The Mammoth Book of Tasteless Jokes (3 page)

What do you call a man at an abortion clinic?

What’s the difference between a television and a pregnant girlfriend?

Hear about the back-street abortionist whose business folded?

Why can’t you fool an aborted foetus?

My girlfriend recently had an abortion.

Two women were sitting in the waiting room of an abortion clinic. One noticed that the other was knitting what appeared to be a little blue romper suit.

The first lady said to the knitter, “Excuse me, but don’t you think it is just a little bit tasteless to be knitting a romper suit when you are about to have an abortion?”

“Not even remotely,” the second lady replied. “It’s a body bag.”

Two lumberjacks, Mark and his mate Jim, were cutting wood when Jim accidentally sawed his arm off. Mark carefully wrapped the severed arm in a plastic bag and rushed it and Jim to the nearest hospital. “Your friend is in luck!” the surgeon told Mark. “I’m an expert at reattaching limbs. Come back in four hours.”

When Mark returned four hours later the surgeon said, “I got through the operation much faster than expected. Your friend said to tell you that he has gone to the pub.” Mark found this news quite hard to believe but he went to the pub, and, amazingly, his friend Jim was enjoying a pint and a game of darts.

A few months later, Mark and Jim were sawing wood again when the accident-prone Jim cut his leg off. Mark placed the leg in a plastic bag and took it and Jim back to the surgeon. The surgeon said, “Legs are a little more complicated – come back in six hours.” Mark returned in six hours and the surgeon said, “I finished early – your mate said to tell you he has gone to the park to play football.” Mark went to the local playing fields and, sure enough, there was Jim, kicking a ball about.

A few months later the hapless Jim had yet another freak sawing accident and was decapitated. Mark put the head in a plastic bag and took it and the rest of Jim to the surgeon. The surgeon said, “Heads are extremely difficult. Come back in twelve hours.” So Mark returned in twelve hours, but was shocked when the surgeon told him, “I’m sorry, your friend died.”

“I don’t understand, you said heads were just difficult.”

The surgeon replied, “No, the surgery went well. I’m afraid your friend suffocated in that plastic bag.”

Tom was in a terrible accident at work. He fell through the floor and ripped off both of his ears. As he was permanently disfigured, he settled for a very large sum of money and left the company. At first he was highly self-conscious about his disability and he stayed at home, keeping himself to himself. A few months later, however, Tom decided to invest his money in a small, but lucrative, franchise business. After weeks of negotiations he bought the company outright. But, after signing on the dotted line, he realized that he knew little about running a business. He decided he had to hire someone who could help him out. After advertising in the local press he received several interesting CVs and eventually set up three interviews.

The first candidate was very promising. He was intelligent, friendly and seemed to know everything he needed to. As the interview drew to a conclusion, the applicant commented, “I couldn’t help but notice, but you don’t appear to have any ears.” Tom was very disappointed by his lack of tact and decided there and then that he was not right for the job.

The second interviewee was a woman and she was even better than the first. At the end of the interview he asked her directly: “Do you notice anything different about me?”

She replied: “Well, you have no ears.”

Tom again felt slightly offended and decided not to employ her.

The third and final interviewee was the best of all three, a young graduate fresh out of business school. He was very smart, he was very easy to get along with and he seemed to have more about him than the first two put together.

Tom was apprehensive, but went ahead and asked the young man the same question: “Do you notice anything different about me?”

To his surprise, the young man answered: “Yes. You wear contact lenses.”

Tom was shocked, and said, “What an incredibly observant young man. How in the world did you know that?”