The Mammoth Book of Tasteless Jokes (4 page)

The young man replied, “Well, it’s obvious really. You can’t wear glasses if you haven’t got any fucking ears!”

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating a bowl of peanuts. Every now and then he would toss a peanut in the air and catch it in his mouth. Just as he was in mid-toss his wife asked him a question and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear. He tried to dig it out but in his desperation succeeded in only pushing it in deeper. He asked his wife to help him dislodge it but after hours of trying they decided to go to the hospital.

As they were heading out of the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter’s’ young male companion suggested he might be able to get the peanut out. He told the father to sit down and relax, then proceeded to shove two fingers up the father’s nose and told him to blow hard. The father blew as he was told, and to everyone’s huge relief the peanut flew out of his ear. The mother and father thanked him profusely for helping them out. “It was nothing,” the young man insisted modestly. Once he was gone, the mother turned to the father and said, “That’s wonderful! Isn’t he a smart young man? What do you think he’s going to be when he grows older?”

The father replied, “Judging from the smell of his fingers, our son-in-law.”

A man rushes into a bar and orders a double brandy. While the barman is pouring, the man extends his hand at knee height and asks: “Do penguins grow this big?”

“I should think so,” the barman replies.

The man raises his hand. “How about this big?”

“Well, perhaps a king penguin, but I’m not sure . . .”

The man holds his hand at shoulder level: “This big?”

“Not a cat in hell’s chance.”

The man knocks back his drink in one. “Bollocks. I just ran over a nun.”

When did the teenager realize he had bad acne?

When his dog called him Spot.

How do you know if you have bad acne?

a. When the blind can read your face.

b. When your pores have stretch marks.

Adam is talking to God and asks him: “God, why did you make women so beautiful?”

God replies: “So that you would find them attractive.”

Then Adam asks: “Okay. God, but why did you have to make them so stupid?”

God replies: “So that they would find you attractive.”

God found Adam in the Garden of Eden.

“Where’s Eve?” asked God.

“She started bleeding, God, so she went down by the stream to wash,” replied Adam.

“Oh no!” said God, “We have to stop her!”

“Why?” said Adam.

“Because I’ll never get the smell out of the fish!”

Adam and Eve were walking through the Garden of Eden one day when God spoke to them. “All right, kids,” said God, “I have a couple of items left here in my goody bag. Who wants the ability to urinate standing up?”

Eve immediately replied, “Please, God, Me! Me! Me!”

So God in his infinite wisdom granted her the ability to pee while standing. But Eve saw that Adam’s face was a picture of utter despair because he too badly wanted the ability to pee while standing. So Eve was generous and said to God, “He may have it if he wants it so much.”

So, God gave the ability to Adam instead, and he was so happy that he immediately ran behind a bush and urinated standing up.

When he came back, Eve looked at God and said, “Well, do you have anything left for me?” God looked back in the bag. Looking back at Eve he said, “Sorry love, all I have left is multiple orgasms.”

Why did God create Eve?

God says to Adam, “I have some good news and some bad news, what do you want to hear first?”