The Mammoth Book of Tasteless Jokes (72 page)
Read The Mammoth Book of Tasteless Jokes Online
Authors: E. Henry Thripshaw
Tags: #Jokes & Riddles, #Humor, #Form, #General
An elderly Welshiman and his wife are lying in bed. After a few minutes the old man lets loose a huge fart and says, “Four points.”
His wife rolls over and asks, “What the hell was that?” The old man says, “A try. I’m ahead four-nil.” A few minutes later the wife lets one go and says, “Try, converted.”
After about ten minutes, the old man farts again and says, “Try, conversion. I’m ahead fourteen to seven.”
Now starting to get into this, the wife quickly farts again and says, “Try, conversion – fourteen all.”
The old man strains really hard, but to no avail: he can’t fart. So as not to be outdone by his wife, he gives it everything he has and strains real hard to get out just one more fart. Straining too hard, he shits in the bed.
His wife asks, “Now what was that?”
The old man replies, “Half-time, switch sides.”
An old woman is riding the lift in Harrods when a young, beautiful woman gets into the lift, smelling of very expensive perfume. She sees that she has the old lady’s attention and turns to her and says arrogantly, “‘Romance’ by Ralph Lauren, £100 an ounce.”
Then another young and equally beautiful woman gets into the lift, also smelling strongly of expensive perfume. She turns to the old woman and says, “‘Chanel No. 5’, £120 an ounce.”
A couple of foors later the old woman has reached her destination and is about to get out of the lift. Before she leaves, she looks both beautiful women in the eye, then bends over and farts in their direction and says, “Broccoli – 70 pence a pound.”
Why do men fart louder than woman?
Woman can’t keep their mouthis shut long enough to build up pressure.
What’s the defnition of a fart?
A turd honking for the right-of-way.
A little old lady goes to the doctor’s. “I can’t stop dropping these silent little farts,” she says to him.
“I can help you,” replies the doctor. “Take these pills and come back next week.”
The following week, the lady returns. “Doctor,” she says, “I don’t know what you gave me, but now my farts stink!”
The doctor says, “Good, we fixed your sinuses. Now let’s work on your hearing aid.”
Two medical students were sitting on a park bench and they decided to play a game. They try to spot physical abnormalities in passers-by and attempt to make a correct diagnosis. After a while, an old man walked slowly past with his legs wide apart. “He has a bad case of haemorrhoids,” asserted the first student.
“No, he has a hernia,” said the second.
They went over to talk to the old man and told him that they couldn’t agree with each other’s diagnosis of his problem.
One said: “My friend thinks you have a bad case of haemorrhoids, and I think you have a hernia. Which of us is correct?”
The old man replied, “Well, I thought it was just a fart, but it looks like we were all wrong.”
How do you make German chocolate cake? First, you occupy the kitchen . . .
What do you call a cheese factory in the Middle East?
Cheeses of Nazareth.
The other day I phoned my local pizza delivery firm and asked for a thin and crusty supreme. They sent me Diana Ross.
How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishiman?
None.
What do you call someone who covers his genitals in chickpeas and garlic?