The Mammoth Book of Tasteless Jokes (96 page)

The operator says: “Calm down, I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”

There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: “Okay, now what?”

How do you get thousands of poor people out of New Orleans before a food? You don’t.

Which part of New Orleans was the frst to surrender to the Hurricane Katrina food waters?

The French Quarter.

The FBI say that they have proof that Al-Qaeda was responsible for the New Orleans foods. They are stepping up their hunt for a Suicide Plumber.

Why are hurricanes normally named after women? When they come they’re wild and wet, but when they go they take your house and car with them.

A black guy swims into a bar . . .

A man walks past an ice-cream shop that advertises, “Every favour ice cream in the world.”

“Bullshit,” thinks the man and walks in. “Okay, give me three scoops of cunt-favoured ice cream, please.”

“No problem, sir,” replies the assistant, giving the man three scoops of ice cream in a cone.

“This doesn’t taste like cunt, it tastes like shit!” says the man, grimacing.

The assistant replies, “Of course it does. Try taking shorter licks.”

A paraplegic goes to an ice-cream van. The vendor asks him what flavour he’d like. “It doesn’t matter” the customer replies: “I’m going to drop it anyway.”

A teenager and his twin sister were approaching their end-of-term school prom night and neither of them had a date. So one day, the girl approached her brother and said, “You got a date for the prom yet?”

“No, why? Have you got someone lined up for me?”

“Not exactly. Why don’t you take me?”

“Take you? You have to be joking, you’re my sister!” he grimaces.

“Well, are you taking somebody else out?”

“You know I don’t have a date, sis.”

“Neither do I. But we both want to go to the prom, don’t we? So we should go with each other.”

The brother can’t see anything wrong with her reasoning, so he told his sister that if neither of them has a date by Wednesday evening, he would take her to the prom. Wednesday evening rolled around and neither sibling had a date, so the brother told his sister that he’d take her to the prom on Friday.

At the dance, both of them have a great time. The brother was glad that his sister talked him into taking her. Then, while he was standing at the bar, his sister said, “Hey, bro, let’s dance.”

He looked around to make sure that nobody heard her, “Look, sis, I’m not going to dance with my own sister at the prom, okay?”

“Don’t be so shy. Look, John is dancing with his cousin. So why can’t you dance with your sister?” The brother reluctantly agreed, and they danced a slow number. The rest of the prom passed and it was time for them to go.

Both of them have had a good time. In the car, the sister looked over at her brother at the wheel and said, “I don’t want to go straight home.”

He gave her a curious look. “What did you have in mind?”

“Oh, I don’t know. Just drive around.”

He agreed, and after they had driven around a while, she looked over at him again and said, “Want to fnd some place to park?”

“Jesus!” said the brother, “Are you mad? You’re my sister, I’m not parking up somewhere with you!”

“Who said anything about parking up? Let’s just pull over somewhere and talk for a while, okay? It’s been a busy year for both of us; how long has it been since we’ve had a chance to talk to each other?”