The New Male Sexuality (26 page)

So learn to express yourself. If you’ve been missing your lover and thinking about how much you want to kiss her, fondle her, make love with her, or whatever, tell her. If you don’t know what you like best, experiment and find out. I can’t tell you how many women complain that they can’t find out what their lovers want in sex.

I like for men to tell me what feels good to them and what they like for me to do sexually. It not only helps me know what to do but it also makes it easier for me to tell them what I like.

I try to find out by asking, but no matter what I do, all he says is, “It feels great.” It’s like talking to my five-year-old; no matter what I ask, the answer is always “Fine.” I’d like to know specifically what he most likes and doesn’t like.

Many women interpret this lack of a differentiated response to mean that the man is withholding information or that he isn’t interested enough to give a relevant answer. So pay attention and express your desires and pleasure. If you like what she’s doing to you right now or what she did to you yesterday, tell her. Use words, sounds, and movements to convey your enjoyment.

I like a guy who lets it all hang out in bed—and, come to think of it, elsewhere, too. I like it when he laughs during sex, or screams in ecstasy—it makes me feel good about the effect I’m having on him—or lets all his emotions come out when he’s coming. Some guys are like robots or dead people. I can’t even tell if they’re having a good time.

Women like men who understand that women’s orgasms are more problematic than men’s
. One reason that men like sex so much is that their having an orgasm is virtually certain.
Only a small number of men have problems having orgasm in partner sex. For women, on the other hand, difficulties reaching orgasm are a major complaint.

Part of the discrepancy is explained by the fact that the traditional script, where intercourse is the main event, favors men. This is a way in which men come easily but most women do not. Even with oral or manual stimulation, men orgasm more quickly and easily than women.

Women like men who understand that their partners can’t necessarily come with two or three minutes of stimulation. They like men who take an interest in their orgasms and are eager and happy to do what is necessary to get them there.

One reason I fell in love with my husband is that he was the first guy ever who said when we were first in bed, “Please tell me how I can give you pleasure.” I thought I had gone to heaven. I’d never been orgasmic with a man before, because even though I knew what it took, I didn’t know how to tell them. He gave me the permission, and it’s been wonderful ever since.

Some guys are real nice and make it clear they want me to enjoy the experience as much as they do. They’re willing to take their time and do what I need. Other guys, though, expect me to come as quickly as they do. They’re real impatient, and I always have the sense they aren’t enjoying giving me a good time. That’s not my idea of fun.

Women want to be emotionally and physically close after sex
. Since women view sex as part of an emotional connection, they want to keep connecting after the sex is over. They want to cuddle, to talk, to stay connected in some way, at least for a moment or two. Even if the sex was planned as a quickie, it’s important to take a little time to stay connected. Otherwise, the women are likely to believe that, having gotten what you wanted, you no longer have any interest in them. This feeling is certain to lead to trouble.

Some men are uncomfortable with this. They want to go directly to sleep or jump up and do something else. A smart lover will avoid these impulses most of the time. Even if you’re very tired, even if there are things to do and places to go, there’s always time for a moment or two of cuddling and sweet nothings, as these women point out:

Going to sleep right away is okay sometimes, but usually I need a little loving after sex. I want to savor the experience. Makes me feel very close and peaceful in a way that sex itself doesn’t.

For me, the buildup and the afterwards are at least as important as the actual sex. It’s just a wonderful sense of connection that I have to have.

Women like men who are honest.
Despite the fact that many men have lied to get sex, it is not acceptable, at least not to any women I’ve talked with. It’s not okay to say you’ve had a vasectomy when you haven’t, that you’ll use a condom when you won’t, that you love her when you don’t, that you’re disease-free when you’re not or don’t know if you are, or that you’re not married when you are.

Lying in order to have sex comes from the childish idea of conquest—scoring no matter how or what the cost. If you’re not the right person for her, why not just accept that fact and move on? If the circumstances aren’t right for her now, why not see what can be honestly done about them, or just wait for another opportunity?

I want a man to level with me and let me make up my own mind. A number of men have lied, especially about not being married or involved with anyone else, and I always felt bad when I found out. It’s a terrible feeling. On the other side, last year on vacation I made it with a married man I met in Paris. I was charmed by him, especially his
honesty. I thought it out after he told me he was married and decided I wouldn’t mind spending the next two weeks with him. We had a great time.

Honesty is crucial. I will never, repeat, never, see a guy again if I learn he’s lied to get me in bed.

Women appreciate men who take an interest and participate in the preparations and protections that make good sex possible.
It’s as much your responsibility as hers to get the children to bed, to ensure privacy, and to make sure that no unwanted conception occurs and that no disease gets passed on.

Some men act like they’re doing you a big favor by giving you their cock for a while, so everything else is up to me. I no longer put up with that. A good lover shares the load. He asks or says something about contraception, and if we decide I’ll use something, he takes an interest in it and helps pay for it.

That’s one of the main things that attracted me to my husband. He was one of the first men I’d been with who brought up protection and had condoms with him. After I decided to go back on the pill, he offered to pay. When I asked why, he said that since I was taking them for our mutual pleasure, he wanted to do his part. Can’t help but like a guy like that.

Women like men to admit to their own sexual concerns and problems
. Women are much more willing, in almost all areas, to admit ignorance and to look for ways of making things better. But since so much rides on a man looking like he doesn’t have questions or problems, especially in the sensitive arena of sex, it’s very difficult for us to admit even to ourselves that there’s a problem.

Yet it is crucial to be able to acknowledge difficulties. If you’re having trouble with desire, arousal, erections, or the timing of your orgasms, why not say so? It’s not that she won’t notice if you keep silent, so why not get the issue out on the table and have a discussion about what should be done?

I don’t mind if a guy has problems. Hell, we all do, and I’ve got my share. What I can’t stand, though, is when he pretends that he doesn’t
or tries to blame them on me. I want to say, “Hey, be a man. Say what’s what and let’s see what we can do about it.”

The only time that men’s sexual problems become real problems is when the man uses it as a way of distancing himself from me by withdrawing or berating himself, refusing to accept my acceptance of the situation.

In short, women appreciate men who are honest, responsible, present, and attentive; who talk and listen; who go after their own desires and yet are sensitive to their partner’s desires; and who know how to have a good time. I take up most of these topics in greater detail in the chapters that follow. If you pay attention to these chapters, you’ll be well on your way to being a good lover for your partner and yourself. And in
Chapter 16
I deal with ways of physically stimulating your partner.

CHAPTER NINE