The New Male Sexuality (25 page)

Men amaze me. One day he’s watching the Forty-niners on the tube and I’m reading a book in another room. Suddenly he appears and asks, “Do you want to fool around?” How did he get there? We haven’t been having any problems, but we also haven’t been close in days. I like sex, but this is way too abrupt. I’d have needed some nice talk or touch in the last few days, or even some talk about sex, or else some of that stuff now. But no, he had somehow made the leap and was ready for immediate action. And then, I suppose, he would have gone right back to the game. I can’t do that!

Having an ongoing romantic/erotic connection means at least three things. One is regular sex. Your sexual encounters don’t have to be tightly scheduled, but it does mean that the last time you made love shouldn’t be so long ago that you can’t recall when it was. You want to keep the momentum going. Another part of an ongoing connection is regular romantic or erotic talk. This means that you remind yourself and your mate of the erotic component of your relationship with words when you’re not making love—sexual compliments and appreciations, happy recollections of what you did sexually last time, last week, or last year, excited anticipations of what you’ll do next time, sexual innuendos, and so forth. The last part of the connection is regular erotic touching. This means that at least some of your kisses and hugs are intended to be and feel sexual. There is a big difference between a peck on the cheek or a closed-mouth kiss and a sensual open-mouth kiss with tongue play. There is a big difference between a hug where only chests and heads connect and one where pelvises talk to each other.

A beautiful woman I know who has enjoyed a wonderful sex life for many years with her husband had this to say when I discussed this topic with her: “Tell the men connection is the most important thing. Not just chitchat and catch-up talk, but talk and touch that’s laced with eroticism. Keeps the juices flowing. Then there’s really not much making needed in making love. Everything is already in place.”

Unlike us, women use words to bridge the gap
. A common conflict in couples is conveyed by the example I gave earlier in the chapter where the man reaches out sexually after a rift and the woman can’t respond because they haven’t talked first. Yes, it’s the old talking thing again. Women generally are more comfortable reaching out with affectionate touch and words. Then, after some closeness is established, maybe there is sex. Men, on the other hand, being less comfortable with words, tend to reach out sexually.

Each way works some of the time; neither way works all the time. You and your sweetheart have to find what’s acceptable in your relationship. If you know she would rather talk but that’s hard for you right now, maybe you can say something about it (“I know you’d probably like to talk now, but I think I would feel more like talking after making love”). If that sounds like it would never work, listen to this sixty-six-year-old woman:

All my life I was convinced I was right on this, that it’s impossible to make love without having closeness first. But my second husband, who’s quite able to express himself, explained that sometimes we talk too much and being sexual might be a better way. He was so persuasive that the next time we had a fight and he reached out sexually, I went along. As our lovemaking went on, I started to respond in my usual ways. We had a very good time and afterward had a helpful talk about what had caused the fight. From that and subsequent experiences I learned that sometimes making love is the best way to get close.

Women are more aroused by words and touch than by what they see
. Although the human species generally depends heavily on sight, and although women are also capable of being aroused by what they see, this is more common with men. With men, it’s as if the optic nerve is directly connected to the penis.
Male fantasies, for example, include more visual content than female fantasies, and men tend more to focus on minute details of their fantasized partner’s physical appearance.

One young and articulate woman put quite clearly the differences between men and women:

I swear we’re from different planets. Men see a pair of legs or boobs they like and they’re turned on and ready to go. They don’t care if she’s a nice person or if they’d want to be with her longer than screwing would take. I’m not like that and neither is any woman I know. There’s no kind of body or body part in itself that can make me want sex. I have to get to know the man and see what else is there. If I keep getting stuff I like, then I start to turn on.

I realize that in recent years women have enjoyed going to clubs where men engage in stripteases for them. But women go for different reasons and have different reactions than men. For them it’s a “fun night out with the girls” that has very little to do with sex. One woman said, “It was wonderful, hooting and hollering and being coarse.” In response to the question of whether she got sexually aroused, her surprised response was, “Why would I?” This is not the answer one would expect from a man at a strip show.

Because they are so visually oriented, men generally prefer young, physically attractive women. In sexual materials that appeal to men, the women are almost without exception young and beautiful. Women seem more flexible with respect to age and physical characteristics. In romance novels, for instance, the hero is often older, sometimes much older, than the woman. Other qualities, such as those that indicate the man might be a good mate, seem more important.

We need to understand that seeing a naked male body, even an aroused naked body, doesn’t necessarily turn women on the way seeing a naked female body turns us on.

One night Burgess, one of my clients, stood on the bed and did a sexy dance and strip for his partner, Alicia, who was sitting naked on the floor. He got very excited looking at her and dancing. As soon as the dance was over, he grabbed her and tried to enter her. He was surprised by her shocked response. They were not in good shape when I met with them a few hours later. He told her, “I was very aroused dancing for you. And you seemed excited, too. I don’t understand the problem.” She replied, “I liked your dance—it was fun. I assumed we would make love. But no way was I ready for you to come in me right after the dance. What about a little foreplay?” Looking at and dancing for her was all the foreplay he needed. She needed more.

Affectionate touching is very important to women
. This is seen in how much they touch their women friends and how much they touch and want to be touched by you. They like touching of all sorts. It’s a way of expressing many things—caring, support, love, lust—and they like to be touched here, there, and everywhere. Women are perturbed that touching is so often seen as sexual by men. As one woman put it: “I’d like to just snuggle sometimes without him thinking we have to go on to sex. Why do men take every kind of physical contact as a sexual advance?”

Men are often a bit different in the touching department. Touching is merely a means to an end, and they go for the important goals—genitals and orgasm—as quickly as possible. This is a good impulse to learn to resist. It will help both of you if you learn to enjoy nonsexual touching and sensuality. I’m sure you love a back rub. There are many other kinds of nonsexual touch that you can also learn to enjoy.

Women often take a man’s way with touching as predictive of other things, and they are much more likely to be receptive to lovemaking if there has been a lot of nonsexual touching first. As one forty-one-year-old woman said: “Hey, if a guy can’t snuggle, what’s the point of having sex with him?” Experiment with hugging, cuddling, bathing together, foot rubs and back rubs, stroking and brushing her hair, and so on. Like the women quoted below, your partner will appreciate it—and you probably will, too.

I go for sensual guys, the ones who enjoy kissing (and not just passionate kisses), holding, hugging, and caressing. I love to touch and be touched, and I just can’t be with a man who can only slap you on the back or fuck you. With a guy like that, being fucked is what it feels like, and I don’t need that.

Affection is what I crave. Touching is important
all
the time.

Women tend to prefer a gradual approach to and in sex.
While many men don’t need much in the way of foreplay and are ready to stick it in almost instantaneously, most women are usually not this way. They tend not to like immediate and exclusive concentration on genitals. A lifelong bachelor summed up the sex difference this way: “I’ve concluded that in sex, women are more interested in the foreplay and afterplay, while men, or at least this man, is more interested in what happens between those two events.”

In a study of sexual fantasies, women were much more likely than men
to focus on nongenital caressing and touching and much more likely to take their time getting to explicit sexual activity. For the men, on the other hand, intercourse or other genital activity was right there at the very start of their fantasies.

Women also like gradualness and tenderness rather than the rough, almost violent encounters that are a staple of pornography.

I absolutely cannot tolerate men who go for my breasts or crotch right away. What does it take to get them to understand that’s not a turn-on to me or any other woman I know? None of us are prudes by any means, but we like to move gradually into sex, not be smashed into it.

As the song goes, women like men with a slow hand and a gentle touch. You have nothing to lose by starting slow and easy. Allow her interest and desire to build. As arousal develops, more vigorous activity can follow.

Women like men who express themselves during sex
. Although men are supposed to be the big talkers when it comes to sex, many women report that their partners rarely say or express much of anything. A great many women comment that after years of being with the same man, they have no idea what their husband likes most in sex or if he even enjoys it. As surprising as it may sound, scores of women have told me that their men are so unexpressive in sex that the only way they know he’s had an orgasm is when he stops moving.