The New Male Sexuality (27 page)

What Is This Thing Called Relating,
and Who Needs It, Anyway?

I’ve heard it from every woman I’ve been with: “Talk more on a personal or feeling level.” But whenever I think I’m doing it, they say I’m not.—
Man, 46

My wife was definitely right about this. You have to spend time sharing thoughts and feelings to be able to clear the air and just keep up with one another. I didn’t believe this when I was younger, but things are much better now that I do.—
Man, 56

Although relating or connecting is not what men have been trained for, we have a great deal to gain by improving our abilities in this area. This is not only what women want but also what almost all experts say is essential for good sex.

I think, however, that there’s a lot more to it than just more or better sex. Here are some of the benefits you might derive.

Get more of what you want, feel more in control of your life, and feel better in general.
A great many men are not getting their needs met in their relationships and in sex, either because they aren’t sure what their needs are or because they can’t express them appropriately. Not getting one’s needs met leads to frustration, anger, and a sense of hopelessness. It can make a world of difference to be able to express yourself and have some control over your relationship.

Often when a couple comes to therapy, the man says he doesn’t have any needs and that he’s there only because of his partner’s complaints. But at some point I’m able to help him look more closely at himself, and it turns out there are all sorts of things he’s missing. One man, for example, was very dissatisfied with his career. But he put off discussing this with his wife
and doing anything about it because he feared she might not be supportive. So he continued to do work he disliked and felt very discouraged about ever being able to change. When he finally was able to talk to her, she was both understanding and supportive. Another man had some ideas about adding spice to his sex life but for years didn’t bring them up with his lover because of a vague anxiety that she might not agree. The partners of these men are often shocked at what they hear: “I had no idea you felt like this. Why didn’t you tell me sooner?” If you want to get more of what you want, good communication is essential.

Enjoy better
health. There’s a host of evidence that we men keep too much bottled up inside and pay for it with unnecessary stress and stress-related diseases and problems.

Improve
your relationship
. Your partner will appreciate what you’re doing and be happier as a result. Women complain more about their men’s unwillingness to talk and listen than any other thing. Fully 98 percent of the several thousand women in Shere Hite’s study
Women and Love
said they wanted “more verbal closeness with the men they love.” Specifically, “they want the men in their lives to talk more about their own personal thoughts, feelings, plans and questions, and to ask them about theirs.” Almost every single woman I’ve talked to, in therapy or out, agrees.

When you do relate more, not only will you have the satisfaction of making your partner happier but you’ll also reap the many benefits of being with a more contented person.

Avoid serious relationship distress
. When people in relationships feel unable to connect easily and comfortably, the results are almost always unpleasant and sometimes dreadful: irritability, angry blowups, constant tension, affairs, and even divorce.

When men don’t listen or talk, the results can be shattering. Brian had been married to Sharon for twelve years. The relationship wasn’t the same as it was at the beginning, but Brian thought it was solid. Then he came home one day to find a note saying Sharon had moved out and wanted a divorce. Brian felt like he had been hit by a thunderbolt. When he came to see me a week later, he kept repeating that he had had no idea Sharon was so unhappy. He was absolutely shocked at her leaving. As he talked, it became clear that Brian hadn’t been paying attention. Sharon had countless times expressed her dissatisfaction: her desire for more time together and better communication and, in the last few years, for marriage counseling.
Brian had heard her complaints—he was able to tell me about them—but they hadn’t registered. And Brian isn’t alone: In one study of divorce, fully
25 percent of the husbands were surprised when their wives said they wanted a divorce.

Because of the way men have been trained, many of us are almost unconscious in our relationships
. If you want a decent relationship and good sex, it’s important that you learn not to be unconscious. Rather, work on being present, on listening to the complaints and suggestions you get, and on expressing your own. When you do this, you and your partner will probably understand each other better and be able to work out some difficulties that previously seemed insurmountable. This will allow you to feel close and hassle-free more of the time and avoid some of the blowups you’ve had in the past.

Be in a better position to work on and resolve any sex problems you or your partner have
. Almost all sex therapists agree that before a couple can work productively on a sex problem, they need to feel close and get their relationship in as good an order as possible. Otherwise, trying to resolve the sexual complaint can be difficult or impossible.

Increase your ability to deal with other people.
Many men report that the skills in these chapters have benefited them in dealing with their children, with people at work, and with relatives and friends.

I hope I’ve said enough to spark your interest. We men have a lot to gain from improving the ways we connect with the people we love. I realize that the process of accomplishing this will take time and effort, and you’ll feel awkward and uncomfortable at times. I wish I had a way around this, but I don’t, and neither does anyone else. But from my experience, both personal and professional, I’m fully convinced the costs are well worth it.

In this and the following chapters on relating, I use both sexual and nonsexual examples. If you’ve understood what I’ve said earlier about the association between good sex and good relationships, you know why the nonsexual illustrations are here.

Here are the requirements—I think of them as the “glue” for keeping relationships vital and happy. Without them, there is no relationship or none worth having.

1. Spending quality time together regularly so that you can relate
. This time is just for the two of you and does not include time you spend with
children, relatives, and friends. When couples are courting, they typically spend a great deal of time together, getting to know each other and having a good time. Although I can’t confirm it, I have heard that some men were even willing to miss
Monday Night Football
in order to be with their sweeties. Then something strange happens as they move in together or get married. They start taking each other for granted. They spend less time focused on one another and more time doing other things. Typically men get more involved in their work and the friends and hobbies they took time away from during the courtship. The result in many relationships is a sense of distance on one or both sides, less happiness, and often less sex as well.