The New Male Sexuality (51 page)

You might also want to consider actually
sleeping
or taking a nap with her, which can be a nice and cozy way of getting more comfortable. It’s possible that sleeping together might lead to sex, which is fine if that’s what feels right at the time. But make sure your conditions are met and that sex is what you want. If not, just sleep.

Have a talk with her about protection against conception and disease before you get anywhere near genital contact. It’s a mistake to assume that this is the woman’s responsibility. Since both of you will have to deal with any consequences that occur, it’s the responsibility of both partners.

When your conditions are met, when you are aroused, and when you want to, feel free to engage in the sexual activities you like (as long as she also likes them). Keep in mind what was said about sexual choices. Intercourse isn’t required. If you have had erection or ejaculation problems in the past, it is best not to have intercourse the first few times you are sexual with her. Do other things that feel good to both of you.

Give feedback about your experiences with her. Tell her—during and after sensual and sexual activity—what you like and don’t like, and encourage her to do the same.

Express your feelings. If you have feelings that get in the way of your sexual responsiveness or your ability to relate to her in any way, you would do well to discuss them with her. It will help her to know you, and it may totally or partially resolve the problems.

Don’t do anything you don’t want to do. If she suggests sex before you feel ready for it, let her know how you feel, no matter how difficult this may be. If she suggests activities that aren’t your style, let her know immediately: “I’m sorry, but I really don’t want your dog in bed with us.” Take care of yourself.

Keep intake of alcohol and other drugs to the absolute minimum
you can tolerate. The last thing you need is some chemical screwing up your mind and nervous system.

IF YOU’RE HAVING ERECTION OR EJACULATION PROBLEMS

No one envies a single man with a sex problem. It’s a difficult situation to be in. Different men react in different ways. Some don’t date at all, thinking it’s better to go without love and without sex than to be humiliated. Others date lots of women, but only for brief periods—as soon as they think sex might come up, they find someone else to go out with. Still others try to have sex. Sometimes everything works out and the problem is solved, but this isn’t typical. More often than not, the problem recurs and the man is devastated (whether or not his partner is). And there are still other men who try to fix the problem before dating by using self-help books or going to therapy.

There are several things a single man with a sex problem needs to keep in mind. Perhaps the most important is that having a sex problem doesn’t make you an undesirable person. It just means you have something that needs work, no different from any other problem. Because men with sex problems tend to do a lot of negative and destructive self-talk, it’s important to read and master the information in
Chapter 19
. It also does you no good to keep away from women. Believe it or not, this will tend to make the problem worse.

There are several options. One is to have surrogate therapy for the problem (see
Chapter 23
). Another option, probably the one most frequently chosen, is just to date and see what happens. Some men with erection problems find that getting into sex slowly with a partner who really turns them on is helpful. After a few times with her, the problem often disappears. These men can benefit from following the suggestions I give in this chapter. Unfortunately, this method is not likely to help a man with a long-standing inability to control the timing of his ejaculations or a long-standing erection problem.

Still other men won’t go out, at least not beyond a second or third date, until they believe they’ve done something to resolve their problem. The twelve suggestions given earlier in this chapter on sex with a new partner will help, as will doing the appropriate masturbation exercises in
Chapters 20
and
22
. And so will the following suggestion.

Consider Telling Your New Friend About the Problem

If you’re like most of the men I’ve seen in therapy, this idea will make you uncomfortable. Despite that, there are a number of good reasons for thinking about it. Before I get into them, however, let’s dispense with one piece of silliness. I’m
not
at all suggesting you introduce yourself like this: “Hi, I’m Fred, and I have an erection problem.” That’s not the way to do it. But somewhere on an early date (not the first one, though), when it looks like the two of you are moving toward becoming sexual, you can find an opportunity to tell her.

One advantage to telling her is that you’ll eliminate the women whom you fear the most and whom you shouldn’t be with in the first place: those who, for whatever reasons, can’t handle the problem. The last thing you need is to be with someone who’s unsympathetic or even hostile to your situation. Telling her before you get anywhere near a bed will ensure that you don’t end up with such a person. Of course, it may feel very bad that this woman you’re so attracted to says she doesn’t want to see you again. Just keep telling yourself that there are plenty of other women you’ll be attracted to and who will not be put off by your problem.

The other advantage of telling is that you’ll feel a lot better. You won’t have to try to hide the problem if she already knows about it, and you’ll know you’re with someone who can deal with it. The men I’ve worked with who have told women they’re dating about their sexual problems have felt incredibly relieved. For example:

I feel wonderful! I was scared to death before I told Jane about my situation. I was sure she was going to tell me to get lost. But she was wonderful. Said there were plenty of things we could do without an erection and she was looking forward to doing them. I can’t tell you how good I feel!

It’s understandable that men are very uncomfortable with the idea of telling a woman they’re attracted to and don’t know very well that they have a sex problem. The main reason is fear of rejection. As one man put it: “Oh, that’s just terrific. Here we are just getting to know each other, just starting to think what sex together might be like, and I’m supposed to say, ‘By the way, I can’t get it up.’ It makes perfect sense that she’ll tell me to get lost.”

It is possible that she will tell you to get lost. The chances are probably small—most women I talked with would not react like that—yet they are
real. But you have to realize that none of the options is good. To tell her is difficult, and you may end up rejected. But not to tell her isn’t exactly a bed of roses. You’ll be worried about her finding out—and how is it possible that she won’t?—and about her reaction to the discovery. This worry will make it harder for you to enjoy sex and to function as you’d like. And if you get rejected in bed, it may be much more difficult to deal with than if you got rejected before you had sex.

It’s important to realize that getting rejected doesn’t decrease your worth as a human being, a man, and a lover one bit. You do have a problem, but it’s resolvable under the right circumstances. If she decides she can’t deal with it, that’s because of something in her. A common reason why a woman might not be able to deal with this sort of problem has to do with her own insecurity. In talking with women over the years, I’ve often raised the question of what they would do if a man they were attracted to mentioned a sex problem before they had sex. The vast majority of the women said it wouldn’t be an issue as long as he took responsibility for the problem and would be willing to get help if it didn’t clear up on its own.