The New Male Sexuality (50 page)

If you find yourself in the awkward position of having said you’ll call and then realizing you don’t want to, it is probably a good idea to call or, better yet, write a short note. For instance: “I enjoyed our date last week, but after thinking about what you said, I don’t think we should get together again. You said you wouldn’t be ready to settle down for a long time, and I’m looking for a steady relationship now.” If it’s something potentially more embarrassing or hurtful—you just don’t care that much for her, or she’s not as ambitious, smart, or pretty as you want—a little white lie can be used: “I enjoyed out time together but realized later that the chemistry just isn’t there” or “I think we’re just too different to make it as a couple.” This way, you’re doing what you want, not seeing her again, but you haven’t left any loose ends or bad feelings.

Not saying you’ll call when you aren’t sure you will is just one example of being honest and not making false promises. Although honesty isn’t always the best policy—there are some circumstances where it’s best to keep one’s mouth shut—it should be the first policy we consider.

SUPPOSE YOU’RE A VIRGIN

Despite the common myth that all males over the age of eighteen or nineteen are sexually experienced, there are in fact many men in their twenties and some in their thirties, forties, and even older who have never had sex with a partner. Although the reasons vary—shyness, fear of women, fear of sex, fear of closeness, not feeling a need to have an intimate relationship or sex, being preoccupied with work or other things—one thing these men have in common is a sense of inadequacy because they haven’t had sex with a partner. When they decide they’d like to become sexually intimate with a woman, they often feel conflicted about a number of things, one of them being what they should say about their situation. They feel women will be turned off by their lack of experience, but at the same time they don’t want to lie; even those who have considered the possibility of lying fear their lack of experience will show.

Yet again, I think honesty is the first thing to consider. It’s not necessary to announce, “Hi, I’m a virgin,” but if it becomes appropriate or if you’re asked a relevant question—such as “What have your past lovers been
like?”—why not tell the truth? It’s doubtful that your new friend is going to be horrified by your response. And if she is, you don’t need her anyway. Although I can’t guarantee it will happen to you, some women find a male virgin interesting.

Some men are virgins because their attempts at intercourse haven’t worked out (ejaculation before insertion or inability to get or maintain an erection) and they’ve given up. If this is true for you, the material in the rest of this chapter and in
Chapters 20
to
23
may help.

For some men, the problem is that they are very shy and find it extremely difficult to meet women or to ask them out. Although dealing with this issue is beyond the scope of this book, there are several good works on shyness and developing social skills available. A therapist can also help.

If the reason for your virginity is a fear of women or the closeness that sex might bring, you should consider professional therapy. Most of the time these problems can be worked out and you can learn to enjoy a close relationship.

Whatever the reason for your virginity, try to remember that it’s not a disease or something you have to be ashamed of. It’s just a fact, and if that fact bothers you, there are a number of options that can help you get what you want.

SEX FOR THE FIRST TIME WITH A NEW PARTNER

The first time a couple has sex is a poignant moment. Two people come together to share an experience and themselves, often in conflict or confusion within themselves, and perhaps with differing goals and expectations. Each hopes for at least a tolerable experience and fears a humiliating one; each yearns for acceptance and fears something less. Both are concerned that they will be found wanting in some way: that their bodies, behaviors, or personality will be compared to some superior standard and be found inadequate.

Men usually feel responsible for how the lovemaking goes. They wonder if they can do all they believe they should do: get the partner interested and aroused, get and maintain lasting erections, and provide the kind of ecstasy they assume their partners desire. They hope their performance will be, if not fantastic, at least passable.

Their partners often go through very similar types of questioning and
agonizing. The woman wonders if the man will find her body attractive, if she’ll be able to please him, and if he will find sufficient interest and pleasure to want to return.

It’s totally understandable that people should be uneasy when they have sex with someone new. Even in these so-called liberated times, sex still means something special. It’s not something you do with just anyone. In sex you allow a unique access to yourself—to your nudity, to the feel and smell and taste of your body and its fluids. And it can go even further. You may allow access to your emotions, at least to your interest and excitement. In doing so, you run the risk that this may be the start of real contact with the other person, a kind of intimacy, with all the possibilities and dangers that intimacy implies.

Because of the tension that accompanies first-time experiences, they are often unsatisfactory. Many men do not get or maintain erections, or they come quickly and then feel bad about these “failures.” Other men function adequately but don’t derive much pleasure. A great many women do not have orgasms the first time they have sex with a partner, a fact for which many men blame themselves. A woman I know says that the first few sexual encounters with a new partner are so bad she considers them “throwaways.” The only reason she engages in them, she says, is that she can’t figure out how to get to the fifth or sixth time—and good sex—without going through the first and second times.

It doesn’t have to be this way. Although there is no way of dissipating all the strangeness and tension involved in first-time experiences, there are ways of making them better and more satisfying, with far fewer “failures” and bad feelings.

No Sex Before Its Time

The single most important point is this:
Don’t rush into sex. Go slowly and get into sex only when you’re comfortable with your partner and your conditions are met
. This is the notion of gradual involvement applied to sex. There’s no good reason to rush into sex on the first or second date, or even on the fifth or ninth date. Sex should occur only when you and your partner feel comfortable with each other and really want to engage in physical intimacy. This is especially true for men who’ve had problems in sex.

In case you’re wondering how women feel about this idea, I’m happy to tell you that the vast majority of women I’ve talked to over the years have agreed that taking one’s time getting to sex is what they prefer.

If you’ve read
Chapter 3
, you know there are lots of things you and your new friend can do besides the old foreplay-intercourse routine. As your comfort with each other develops, you could, for example, engage in more intimate forms of touching (hugs, kisses, massages, necking, petting, sleeping together, dry humping, hand jobs, and so forth). There’s certainly no shortage of activities.

It’s clear from everything we know that sex goes best if it’s done when both partners feel it’s what they want. If one or both feel pressured into the activity, it will be something less than wonderful. It’s well known that women often feel pressured into having sex. What’s not so well known is that so do men. Men feel pressured by their notions of manhood: that a man should make sexual advances very quickly in a relationship, and that a man should never rebuff the sexual advances of his partner.

Of particular relevance here is what you can do if your new partner pushes for sex before you feel ready. This situation is no longer unusual. A woman may make a sexual advance because she truly wants sex with you or because she’s trying to deal with the insecurity generated in her because you haven’t made one. Regardless of her motives, you’re going to have to do something.

Probably the most common choice is to go along regardless of how you feel. I don’t recommend this, because it can easily lead to bad sex and bad feelings. It is far better to get into your assertive and expressive mode and let her know how you feel. Here’s one example of what you might say: “I’m flattered you want me to stay the night. I’ve enjoyed our times together and am very turned on to you. But getting into sex this fast doesn’t work well for me. I’d like us to take our time, getting to know each other better, and get to sex when it feels right for both of us. Can you understand what I’m saying?”

Here’s another: “I’m a little shy and it takes me a while to be comfortable enough to have sex. But I really enjoy you and want to spend more time with you. Does the idea of [insert activities you want to do, such as trading back rubs, doing more kissing and petting, and so on] tonight do anything for you?”

Suggestions for Sex with a New Partner

Get to know her and give her the opportunity to know you. Give yourself time to determine if you really want sex with her.

Be sensual with her before being sexual. Hold hands, hug, kiss, snuggle, or do anything else that feels good. Always stop when you want to,
when you feel anxious, or when you get a signal from her that she wants you to stop.

Do whatever is necessary to feel comfortable with her and get your conditions met. You might want to talk with her about both your expectations and hers. You might also want to talk about the kinds of physical contact you enjoy. Establish a habit of discussing your preferences and try to get her to do the same. This will serve you well when you become sexual with her.

Always stay within your comfort zone. Refrain from activities that make you tense.

Consider a session or two of massage or body rubs before you get to sex.