The New Male Sexuality (54 page)

Some individuals and couples skip some of the exercises, doing only those they feel are most relevant to them. Others make changes in the procedures to better suit their situations. For example, an older man with an erection problem may realize that in doing the exercises three times a week, his own body is working against him; after an ejaculation his body isn’t ready to produce another erection for two or three days. If that’s the case, it makes sense to do the exercises only twice a week. On the other hand, many men wanting to develop ejaculatory control learn that progress is swiftest when they do the exercises four or five times a week instead of the three times I recommend.

There is nothing wrong with changing the routine to better suit your
needs provided you are willing to readjust if things don’t work out. If, for example, you skip an exercise and then have difficulty doing the next one, you should consider doing the one you skipped. Similarly, if you change an exercise and it doesn’t produce the intended results, you should consider doing it in a manner closer to what I’ve written.

Before doing any of the partner exercises, both you and your partner should read it over together so that you’ll both know what is being asked of you. Discuss her feelings, your feelings, and what is to come, and work out any disagreements.

Since how long you’ll need to continue doing the exercises is largely a function of how often they are done, you need to reach an agreement about frequency. Your partner should also understand that in the majority of the exercises, you are in total control—of the type of stimulation, of when to stop and resume, and when to end the exercise. You should make clear your willingness to satisfy her manually or orally before or after doing an exercise. Difficulties will arise if she feels she is doing all the work and getting nothing in return. Do whatever is necessary to prevent this from becoming a problem.

One way for you to prevent problems is to take total responsibility for initiating the exercises. Even if the two of you have already planned to get together at 9
P.M.
on Tuesday, it’s up to you to initiate the process at that time. This point is crucial. I’ve witnessed many arguments because the woman thought the man wasn’t initiating the exercises; this fed into her fears that he was putting the whole burden of the program on her. The way to avoid this, and it must be avoided, is to be very disciplined about initiating the exercises.

Another way to maximize harmony and effectiveness is to schedule a regular meeting with your partner—say once a week—to discuss how the program is going for each of you. This is similar to what you’d be doing if you were seeing a therapist. During this meeting, each of you should be able to talk without interruption for a few minutes about anything that is relevant. It will pay to listen with full attention when your partner gives her point of view.

If you’re doing exercises without a partner, a weekly meeting with yourself is helpful. Use the time to think about how things are going, what needs to be changed, and so on.

Some people object that all this scheduling seems rigid and unspontaneous. They’re right. It’s supposed to be that way (although I prefer the words
disciplined
and
systematic
) because that’s what works best when you’re learning new skills. If you were serious about learning new skills in
sports or business, you wouldn’t just go to class or practice when the spirit moved you; you’d probably have some kind of regular schedule. And that’s exactly what’s needed here as well.

But scheduling time in advance for being together does not rule out spontaneity. There’s nothing wrong with doing an exercise when the spirit moves you even though your schedule doesn’t call for it that day. There’s also nothing wrong with occasionally taking a day off from the program and doing whatever the two of you want to do.

It’s important not to restrict physical activities with your partner to the exercises. Make sure you do some holding, hugging, kissing, and any other mutually enjoyable expressions of physical affection. Have fun together in other ways as well.

And learn to be a little patient. Most of the men I’ve seen with sex problems want the problem resolved yesterday! They wish for a pill, shot, or some magic words that will straighten things out instantaneously. One man I saw with his wife beautifully exemplified this attitude. He had been having erection problems for ten years, with all the usual complications—sex had become almost nonexistent, touching had diminished, she had almost given up on ever having good sex again, and he had become increasingly depressed. I gave them a few assignments to do at home. When they came in for the next session, he said this: “We’re talking more and we feel closer. And we’re doing more touching. But it didn’t work. Nothing has changed.” What he meant was that he hadn’t gotten an erection with her. After a decade of no erections, he expected to get one after only a week of work.

Even though sex therapy is brief and highly effective, it takes a little longer than a week or two. See if you can accept this fact. Talk to yourself when you feel impatient and are starting to think that nothing will help: “I know I’m being impatient, and I have to realize that the process takes longer than a few days. Look, in some ways things
are
better. We’re having more fun, and she’s being more cooperative and supportive than before. Things are improving, and I’m sure the problem will be resolved. I just have to be a little more patient.”

Talking to your partner can also help.

YOU
: I feel so impatient. I’d like this to be over.

HER
: I know exactly how that feels.

YOU
: I know this has been hard on you, and I feel guilty for putting you through it. The sooner it’s over, the sooner you’ll feel okay and the sooner I can stop feeling so guilty. I don’t know if it’s
possible, but I would feel better if you could reassure me in some way. Maybe you could tell me that you’re okay about going through this with me. Is that possible?

Above all, find ways to make the program enjoyable. Some of my clients inject a bit of humor into their activities by saying, “I wonder if all this hand stuff will make us go blind.” Others talk about the hows, whens, and wheres of the sex they’ll have once the problem is resolved. Yet others remind themselves of all the benefits of undertaking the program, such as an increased ability to talk about sex, an increased ability to talk about other things as well, a new knowledge of sex and intimacy, feeling closer, and so on.

I know you wish you didn’t have to be doing exercises and that you didn’t have the problem. But since you do have the problem and are going to do the program, why not make the best of it?

CHAPTER NINETEEN

Ketting Your Mind on Your Side

For the first month, these positive statements were just words. I said them, I heard them, but although they made me feel a lot better than the negative statements I had been making, it’s like I didn’t really connect with them. And then, about two weeks ago, I started believing. Yes, I really would be a great lover. Yes, I really would show my partner a good time whenever we made love and have a good time myself. Now these statements are part of me
.—
Man, 38

It may be going too far to say that the mind is everything when it comes to sex. But if it’s not everything, it’s certainly far ahead of whatever is in second place.

Let’s look at two men who both had a problem the last time they had sex—say they didn’t get erections. The first one, Bud, was disappointed but not greatly upset. He had a good time anyway. He’s eagerly looking forward to making love with his partner again today. He tells himself it’s going to be another great experience and imagines kissing and fondling her breasts, which gives him great pleasure. Because he’s feeling so good about the prospects, his mind conjures up a picture of her taking his penis in her mouth, which gives him even greater pleasure. When he and his partner get together in bed, his mind will focus on the pleasurable sensations he’s feeling, thus maximizing the chances that he will get aroused and that the arousal is translated into an erection.

Art, on the other hand, keeps thinking about what he calls his “failure.” He tells himself he may be impotent, that he may not get it up the next time. He too has images, but they’re different from Bud’s. He imagines his wife indicating she’s ready for intercourse but himself being totally soft, which makes him feel terrible and hopeless. He’s working up a nice stew of defeat and failure. As he gets caught in this muck and mire, he has more depressing thoughts and pictures. Finally he imagines his wife getting
furious and telling him he’s not a real man. He gets into such a state of anxiety and despair that he almost jumps out of his skin when she tries to hug him. If he does try to make love, his mind will be busy focusing on the possibility of failure and its consequences rather than on what’s happening at the moment, thus helping to ensure that failure is what he gets.

Two men, two minds. One is headed for pleasure and a good time, the other for anxiety and a miserable time. The difference is not in their penises but in their heads. This fact deserves your attention. The reality is the same for both men: no erection the last time they had sex. But they deal differently with that reality. As psychologist Albert Ellis, the father of what is now called cognitive therapy, has been demonstrating for five decades, it’s not reality itself but rather how you construe or interpret it that makes all the difference.

Your mind can make for beautiful, functional, and satisfying sex, but it can also make sex an agony. Perhaps most important for our purposes, it can create and maintain sex problems and make resolving the problems difficult or even impossible. With your mind on your side, however, it’s much easier to solve any problems.

To get the most from your self-help program, it’s essential to make sure your mind is working with you rather than against you. In a number of places earlier in the book, I have given examples of using your mind to your advantage, such as mentally rehearsing things you want to say and do, and using fantasies to increase arousal. But now we need to get into more detail.

The mind operates in basically two ways: through thoughts (ideas) and through pictures (images). It’s constantly talking to itself with words and images about you. Because these messages are to and about yourself, they are called self-statements. You may or may not be aware of these internal communications, but take it as an article of faith that you spend a good part of every day talking to yourself about you. If you’re not aware of what you’re saying, you soon will be.

Thoughts and images can be mainly positive or mainly negative. In what may be a sad commentary about the state of humanity, a very large proportion of the population goes around making negative statements and showing itself negative pictures. The result is what is called low self-esteem. People who tell and show themselves negative things feel bad much of the time. The bad feelings affect their relationships, behavior, sex life, and everything else.

Men who have had sex problems or who for some other reason don’t feel good about themselves sexually do a lot of what Albert Ellis calls “catastrophizing”
and “awfulizing.” Any disappointment or frustration, any less-than-perfect event—such as a sexual activity that doesn’t live up to every single standard in the man’s mind—is made into catastrophe. Lack of erection becomes “I’m impotent” or “I’m over the hill” or “My wife will leave me.”

Self-statements have a kind of magnetic quality. They attract other statements of the same kind and build on one another. If you regard your latest sexual activity as positive, your mind will tend to call up supporting positive ideas and images. It may recall another very satisfying sexual event from the past, or some sexual compliments you’ve received. This will reinforce and heighten your good feelings. Unfortunately, it works the other way as well. Negative thoughts and feelings tend to conjure up other bad experiences, thoughts, and feelings. One bad experience recalls another and another, until you’re feeling totally discouraged.