The Perfect Emotion (11 page)

“You look beautiful.” He says as he bends his head to try to look at my eyes.

I don’t respond, but I look up at him. His eyes are deep blue with the moon shining behind him. He runs his hands through his hair and steps a little closer.

“What were you thinking about?” He asks me and I’m grateful that my cheeks are probably already red from the cool air. I blink and turn my head to the side.

“Nothing.”

“I know that’s not true.” He pauses. “I was remembering last semester when I came back here.” His boldness shocks me for a moment, but then I look at him and he winks. We stand quietly for a moment before he continues. “Please Kate, talk to me.”

“I can’t. I’m sorry,” I say at barely a whisper.

“Why?” I start to turn to head to the doors, but he moves in front of me. “Why? Just tell me that at least.” His tone is soft and gentle. My heart and pulse are racing and I don’t know if I can take this pressure anymore.

“Because I just can’t.  Don’t you get it?”  My tone is more curt than I’d like it to be.  I’m almost frantic to avoid this conversation. 

“No, I don’t get it.  Tell me.  Tell me anything.  Tell me something.”  His voice and tone are still calm, but I’m getting more worked up.

“I used you! There that’s why.” I turn my back on him and press my eyes closed together. Here’s the moment when I tell him everything. I don’t know that this is the exact moment my therapist had in mind, but he encouraged me to tell him exactly what happened in order to move forward. He told me that I should not even start talking to Reed until I was ready to be open and honest with him. I have to get this out first. “I took advantage of you. I was desperate to feel good, to avoid dealing with the bigger issues in my life and to just escape. I was selfish and greedy. I didn’t even care either because I just wanted the relief so badly.” I’m practically yelling now. He needs to know and the thought that he’ll just walk away now that he knows is painful, but well deserved. “Don’t you get it, what I did to you, I used you Reed. I was selfish and greedy. I needed to get lost in something good, away from Kyle, my mom and I used what you had to offer. I took advantage of you in the worst way possible.”  The words leave my mouth faster than I ever thought was possible.  I’ve lost all tactfulness and as I pause here now I feel the burden being lifted from my chest.  I press my eyes closed tightly again and the tears slip past my eyelashes down my cold cheeks.

“You don’t think I know that, fuck, Kate.  I know that.  I’ve done it myself before.  Never again, though.  And this is different and you know it.  I told you though I’d take what I could get of you.  I just wanted to be with you.  I think I’d have done anything to be closer to you.”  I’m still turned from him and I can feel him getting a little closer by the echo of his voice.

“And now?”  Daringly I ask, but I’m afraid of the answer.

“Yes and now.”  I hear Reed’s footsteps behind me getting closer.  Then he wraps his arms around my abdomen from behind and presses his face in the crook of my neck.  His breathing is hot on me and the way his lips move up brushing my ear causes me to arch my back. 

“You don’t understand tho-.”  He cuts me off gently.

“I do understand.  Trust me, I more than most get what it’s like to want to use someone to escape something else.  I’ve done it before, numerous times.”  I remember the fact that he has way more experience than me and it hurts for a brief second.  “But never with you.  Never.” 

“You were there for me and then I just took advantage of you.  I’ve never done that before and I still feel horrible.  I just, I just… I can’t do this.”  I’m trying to hide the quiver and trembling burning up my throat and the tears that keep leaking down my face.

“I’ve been waiting for you,” he whispers.

“I never asked you to,” I say with little conviction. 

“And yet, here I am.” I slowly turn myself into him and bury my face in his chest. Even through his coat I can smell that familiar pine and masculine scent.

“I’m sorry.  I’m so sorry.”  I sob uncontrollably for a moment.  “I was so hurt and twisted, but it’s no excuse for taking advantage of you like that. That’s not even the worst part… the worst is I cared about you. I still care about you.” His arms are wrapped around me tightly and then he kisses the top of my head. That one gesture has me leaning in more and my body goes weak craving more from him.  I pull myself back though instead because I don’t want him to think that I would do that to him again. I know I have a long way to go in my therapy, but I’ve come so far already.  Being able to say the things that are in my head out loud to him is a huge step in the right direction.  My therapist is right too because I already feel lighter.  I’m not even sure what this means for us, but if there is any more to this then I know I still have more to tell him.

“Hey, hey, it’s ok, beautiful.  Don’t you think for one minute I did anything that I didn’t want to do.  Katherine, I told you I just wanted to be closer to you, any part of you.  That I’d take whatever I could get.  I knew what that meant.  I had never felt this way before… I still haven’t.”

“I owed you more than that though.” I tell him this because it’s true and it’s all I’ve thought of the last three months.

C
HAPTER 8

We stand there for what feels like an eternity holding each other.  The lump I had in my throat has gone down, but the tears still flow freely.  Reed kisses the top of my head again and again and oh how I wish it were my lips.  My arms are locked around him with my freezing hands on his back, but I can’t let go.  Letting go of my grip would mean facing him and facing him means next steps.  Next steps that I’m still not sure I want to take.  Questions float through my mind…
does Reed want me
being at the forefront.  Hearing him say he waited for me seems like a dream.  Slowly, Reed starts to loosen our bond.  His hands reach up around my neck and onto my cheeks forcing me to look at him.  His eyes scan my face and his thumbs rub away the streaks of tears.  My face is hot from being buried in his chest and his hands are ice cold on my skin, like fire and ice.  I’m forced to look into his eyes, the same eyes that have held me captive every night for the last several months. The blue is deep and glassy.  It’s a mixture of happiness and sadness all rolled into one.  I can’t tell if he had tears in them from our reunion or if the cold has caused them to tear. 

“Have you had anything to drink?” He asks and this is not what I thought he’d have to say after our long embrace.

“No, just water.”  The confusion is evident in my tone.

“Good.” His hands run through my hair pulling my head back slightly giving him the perfect angle to kiss me. And that’s exactly what he does. It’s forceful when his lips crash against mine at first and he pushes me up against the outside brick wall of the dorm building. The lighting is darker because it’s off to the side. His hands are tangled in my hair, but before we hit the wall he takes one hand out to lighten the force. I move my hands up into his hair running my fingers through his long strands roughly. Our tongues have yet to touch, but our lips are moving fast. He gently bites down on my bottom lip pulling at it a little. And then just as quick as he crashed into me he slows his pace down. This is what I remember most… kisses being slow and tender. His tongue licks in between my lips and gently coaxes my tongue. I moan when our tongues collide and pull his head towards me afraid he might back away. The way his tongue rolls around mine and explores every area of my mouth creates a familiar rush of nerves to run through me. I squeeze my thighs together to try to stimulate the pleasure in my core, but Reed moves his leg in between me pushing me harder against the wall. I gasp in between our lips and he mumbles out a “Thank God.” His tongue starts to pull out, but his lips stay attached to me. He kisses me several times on the lips and then moves to my jaw flicking his tongue up to my ear. He licks and sucks at the place between my ear and jaw that drives me crazy with lust.  I arch myself back and give him better access. 

“I’ve missed you so much, beautiful girl,” he whispers in my ear in between the licking, sucking and kissing.   When he flicks his tongue at my ear lobe I squirm from the sensation.  Months of remembering and longing for this make the reality more real and intense.  My body softens and curves to his easily, as if the distance never came between us

“I’ve missed you too.”  The words leave my lips without filter and even though I sound breathy and needy I know Reed hears the care, concern and affection laced in there.

“Please baby, please just…” He pulls back and moves his hands to the side of my head to look in my eyes again. “Just don’t push me out again. Let us figure this out. Please. I want you, Kate.” My lips are parted, my eyes are wide and my breathing is erratic. I hear his plead, but I’m afraid to agree… afraid it will be too much for him to deal with all of my problems. I just continue to stare in his eyes when he continues. “I want to be there for you, be there with you. These last few months have been hell for me. You are all I have thought of and wanted.”

“I’m so afraid,” I say and then bite my bottom corner of my lip.  His thumb moves over to where I am biting and he pulls it loose from my bite. 

“I am too, but I don’t want to be without you.” I blink and the emotions I feel hearing him say he wants me even if I’m a little damaged cause the tears to brim again. I know we have a lot to talk about and work through, but I can’t lie that I want him too. I’ve wanted him for so long and I don’t want to deprive myself of him any longer… three months of punishing myself has been long enough. Three months of giving him time to move on seems adequate. He’s here and he’s waited for me. I surrender.

“Yes…”  I cry harder, but I force myself to continue through my sobs.  “Yes, I want you too, Reed.  I’ve thought of nothing, but you these last few months too.  I’m so scared though.”

“Katherine, look in my eyes, beautiful.”  I open them up and look up into his blue eyes that I can easily get lost in.  “I’m scared too, but we will work through this together.  Just give us the time.  Give me the chance, okay?”

“Okay.”

“God, baby, you make me so happy.  Thank you.”  He kisses my forehead, then my eyes, my nose and then my lips again. He pulls away from the wall and wraps me tightly in his arms. I feel weak and emotionally exhausted, but more than anything I feel happy too.

After standing outside in the cold longer than necessary I pull my arms back and rub my hands together to try and warm them.  Reed reaches for them and encases his hands around them and then brings them to his mouth and blows hot hair on them. 

“Where are your gloves?” He asks mockingly.

“They wouldn’t fit in the pockets of this coat and I really didn’t think I’d be outside this long.”  He smiles at me.  “They are my favorite though.”  I shiver and my teeth start to chatter a little.

“You’re freezing. Will you come over to my house?” His eyes are sparkling now with the way the moon is shining in them and I can still see a deep sapphire blue in them. “I’m not ready to let you go yet. I want to be with you.” My eyes go wide before I respond.

“I’m not sure if that’s a good idea… plus my mom is coming up to get me tomorrow for break.”

“I just want to be by you and hold you.  Nothing more I promise.”  He moves in and hovers his lips in front of mine and then says, “Except kiss you.”  Then his lips press into mine and his tongue lightly runs in between my lips.  When he pulls back I exhale with a smile.

“The kissing is a requirement.”  He quickly moves back to me pressing his lips into mine again and lifting me from the ground walking away from my dorm. My legs are dangling off the ground in between his moving legs. Slowly he starts to slide me down his body and when my feet hit the ground he stops us from moving.

“There will be plenty of kissing I can assure you. You have no idea how hard it’s been not to kiss you every time I’ve seen you, especially after we play tennis.” He’s turned me to face forward and we walk side by side.  Naturally, our hands find their way to each other and once our fingers lace around each other Reed moves them inside one of his coat pockets.