The Pool of St. Branok (35 page)

“After that terrible thing … I was a child. I needed help.”

“I thought you were too young for it to have a great impact.”

“You must have thought I could take it as easily as you did.”

“I believe you understood that it was not our fault. We harmed nobody. But it is in the past. It’s the future I’m thinking of. I love you, Angel. It is important for me to know now that you love me … that you will come back to England with me.”

“This has all happened too quickly.”

“It has been happening over the years.”

“Well then, why did you stay in Australia? Why didn’t you come and find me before … I married Gervaise?”

“Because I did not know until I saw you again. It all fell into place then. I knew you were the only one.”

“And what of Gervaise?”

“What of him?”

“He is my husband. We are happy together. Do you think I can just say to him, ‘It was nice knowing you but I have finished with you now’?”

“Gervaise will recover from the loss in time.”

“How do you know?”

“Because I have met many like him. He is kind, gentle, loving and weak. He would be the same with any woman as he is with you. You are not first in his life. What is most important to him is gambling. That is what he really cares about. If he lost you and won at roulette or found gold … he would recover. If I lose you I never shall. Nor will you. We are different. Our feelings go deep. We were meant for each other from the day we met. Angel, I must know …”

“What must you know?”

“That you will come to me. We will explain to Gervaise together. He would not stand in our way.”

“Do you mean he would simply pass me on to you?”

“He would want you to be happy. I would compensate him. I would make over my gold mine to him, and you and I could return to England.”

“What a preposterous suggestion.”

“I suppose I am rather preposterous.”

“I can’t think you are serious.”

“I am deadly serious. He would agree to a divorce. We could marry and settle in England.”

“How do you think we should be received at home? Your grandfather …”

“My grandfather is a man of the world. I am very like him in many respects. He would understand. I do not anticipate any trouble there … and if there was I should overcome it. I am not dependent on him or anyone.”

“Oh, Ben,” I said, “you make everything sound so easy.”

“Be honest with me. Do you enjoy being with me?”

“Of course I do.”

“More than with anyone else?”

I did not answer.

“Silence is construed as yes,” he said.

I was thinking of it … being with Ben all the time … and going home. It seemed like paradise to me. It was the first time that I had admitted to myself that I had been so uneasy and apprehensive ever since I had met him again. I had tried to convince myself that it was due to the adventure we had shared—but it was not that. I wanted to be with Ben. If I were free … if only I were free!

But I did love Gervaise. Who could help loving Gervaise? He had always been to good to me, and because of the weakness I saw in him, I wanted to protect him. Surely that was love. Perhaps it was possible to love two men at the same time.

Gervaise’s love for me was tender and patient. That of Ben fiercely possessive and passionate. I knew in my heart that it was Ben I wanted. I also knew that I would never leave Gervaise.

Yet I allowed myself to indulge in fantasies. Going home with Ben … I could imagine his facing them all … making them see it his way. Ben would always win.

As we approached the house, he gripped my arm. “Please, Angel, you must realize this. If you don’t you will spend all your life regretting.”

“I am sure that if I did what you suggest I should do the same. No, Ben, I could not. I think you have not given this enough thought.”

“I have thought of little else since you came here. I can’t be happy without you, Angel. Can you … without me?”

“I am going to try, Ben. I was happy enough before …”

“Before you realized you had made a mistake?”

“I did not think of it as a mistake.”

“When you knew that there would be no serenity in your life? There never will be, you know. This will always be there … like a shadow over everything. There will be debts … always debts. There is no other way.”

“I am going to try to change it.”

“You can’t change people, Angel. They are as they are.”

“I think one can overcome disabilities.”

“Some perhaps. But not this one … not when it has such a firm hold, when it is part of that person. I have seen it often.”

“I daresay we all have our faults.”

“I more than any.”

“Well then …”

We went into the house. It was silent. Jacob and Minnie would be with the revelers. Thomas was probably in bed and Meg would be dozing at Morwenna’s bedside.

We stood in the hall and he put his arms around me.

“I want you here with me,” he said, “now. I want reassurance. Angel, I will give up everything … everything here … I swear … if you will be with me tonight.”

“Oh … no, I couldn’t do that, Ben.”

He held me tightly.

“It’s important. Dearest Angel. I want to be sure. I must be sure … tonight. I will give up everything if you will say yes. We will go home … we will be together always.”

He was kissing me and a terrible longing possessed me—not only for home but for him. I had made a mistake. I had taken good looks, courtly manners, kindliness, tenderness for love. It was not like that. Love was a wild thing that came to you when you least expected it … suddenly; and then once it had taken hold of you, you were captured.

Life is strange. One must be in the right place at the right moment. And that was where it had failed me. Gervaise had been there when it should have been Ben; and I had mistaken the shadow for the substance, the dross for the gold.

It was too late. Too late. Those words kept echoing in my ears.

But was it too late? Living life to the full was taking opportunities. Nobody knew that better than Ben.

He was now saying: It is
not
too late. We do not have to accept this. We can change it all.

I was afraid. I felt my resistance weakening. I loved Ben. I wanted Ben. My reasoning told me that this was impossible and what he was suggesting was wrong, very wrong. One could not throw aside morality just because one had made a mistake and realized it.

I was calling on all my powers of resistance; but with Ben’s arms about me and his face close to mine, I was afraid … desperately afraid that my passionate need of him would rise above my scruples.

Perhaps it might have done. We were in this house … all but alone … together.

There was a sound above us. I heard a call. The spell was broken.

Thomas stood at the top of the stairs.

“It’s Mrs. Cartwright,” he said. “Meg thinks it’s the baby at last.”

The ordeal had begun. I hastened to Morwenna’s room. Meg was very anxious and Morwenna was in great pain.

“I hope Mrs. Bowles won’t be long,” she said. “Thomas has gone for her. She is all ready and waiting so she must be here soon. Everything’s ready. I’ll go and get the water hot. They always seem to need that. If you’ll sit with her …”

Morwenna looked very pale and every now and then she writhed in pain. She was trying not to cry out. I did not know what to do. I prayed that Mrs. Bowles would arrive soon.

It seemed a long time before she came but it was, of course, not really so. She was prepared for this. Had we not been waiting more than two weeks for the arrival of the baby?

Mrs. Bowles turned us out of the room, keeping only Meg with her. Meg had helped bring another baby into the world very recently and Mrs. Bowles had found her useful.

Justin and Gervaise had arrived at the house. Minnie and Jacob had come too, to see if there was anything they could do.

And the vigil began.

We sat silently, waiting … fearfully.

The time dragged on and it must have been just after midnight when Mrs. Bowles came down to us.

She said: “There’s something not quite right. I want a doctor. You’ll have to get Dr. Field.”

“Dr. Field!” cried Ben. “He’s ten miles from here.”

Mrs. Bowles replied tersely: “It’s necessary.”

“I’ll go at once,” replied Ben.

He left immediately.

After he had gone we sat on in fear. I was sorry for Justin. He looked quite unlike the man I had known. He just sat staring ahead of him.

“It’ll be all right,” said Gervaise. “There are often these little complications.”

I wanted to shout at him: What do you know of these things? Why do you always say everything will be all right? I felt irritated with him. I think it was because I had, in my thoughts, been unfaithful to him. I despised myself for this and when one does that, one likes to blame the person one has wronged. Then I was desperately worried … and there was no room for any feeling but concern about Morwenna.

That was the most wretched period I had ever lived through. We sat waiting fearfully, wondering what was happening in the room above, starting at every sound, waiting for Mrs. Bowles to come and tell us what was happening, longing for a sight of her and fearing what news she would bring.

Meg was with Mrs. Bowles. I wanted to help but they thought that there would be too many people in the room. There was little I could do in any case, said Mrs. Bowles. If she needed me she would call. But we must wait for the doctor and pray that he would come soon.

I shall never forget poor Justin. I had not really thought he cared so much. Secretly I had wondered a great deal about his motive in marrying Morwenna and I had sometimes felt it was due to her expectations for it seemed certain that Morwenna would one day be a considerable heiress. The Pencarrons were very wealthy apart from their mine which was a most profitable concern. And everything would be for her. But it seemed now that he was genuinely distressed.

He had so longed for a son.

The hours were slipping by. It was not until dawn that Ben arrived with Dr. Field. The doctor had made himself available and they had ridden hard through the night.

He went to Morwenna at once and the waiting began again. We sat there tense and expectant.

Then Meg came down. “The doctor wants a word with Mr. Cartwright,” she said.

Justin rose at once and followed her out of the room.

And we sat on … waiting.

Gervaise said: “What’s happening, do you think?”

“I’m frightened,” I told him.

“It’ll be all right,” he replied. “It’s bound to be all right.”

There was silence and the waiting went on. The tension was unendurable.

I said: “I am going to see what is happening.”

Gervaise laid a hand on my arm. “You mustn’t distress yourself, Angelet.”

I turned away and ran out of the room.

I found Justin. He was sitting on the stairs outside the room in which Morwenna lay. His head was in his hands. I went and sat beside him.

“Justin,” I said, “what is it?”

“The doctor asked me. It’s all going wrong, Angelet. He said he can save the child but it could cost Morwenna her life …”

“Oh no,” I said.

He nodded. “It could be a matter of the mother or the child … and he said that we could never have another child.”

“Oh, Justin … how terrible.”

“I said he must save Morwenna …”

“I know how much you wanted this child, Justin.”

“The doctor said … they were both in danger … but he thought he might be able to save one.”

We were silent. I thought of how Morwenna had longed for this child. She was going to be very unhappy.

I felt a great tenderness towards Justin. I was almost on the point of asking him to forgive me for mistrusting him.

And as we sat there we heard the sudden cry of a child.

Justin started up and we looked at each other.

Justin’s lips formed the word: “Morwenna.”

Oh no … no … I thought. It could not be. Justin had said save the mother.

I had heard of such choices before. Why had we come to this benighted spot! If Morwenna had been in London all the care possible would have been hers; she would have had the most practiced doctors, and the best nurses would have been attending her.

We sat on … I could think of nothing to say to him, but my silent sympathy must have been as clear to him as words would have been.

I don’t know how long we sat there. We heard the child cry again. Justin put his hand over his ears. He just sat there … in silence.

Then the door opened and the doctor came out.

“Mr. Cartwright,” he said.

Justin sprang to his feet.

“Your wife is sleeping. She will sleep for several hours. She will need nursing for a while. Mrs. Bowles is quite experienced. She will know what to do. You have a son.”

“But I thought …”

“I admit to my surprise. I did not think it would be possible to save them both. I believe your son is going to be a tenacious young fellow.”

Justin and I just stared at each other; then he put his arms round me and hugged me.

That day stands out in my memory as one of perfect happiness.

There was no place for anything but rejoicing. That which we had thought lost was restored to us. Morwenna was weak but all she needed was careful nursing. As for her son, he was a lusty young baby. The little difficulty in arriving was not going to upset him.

Mrs. Bowles preened herself; she was the heroine of the hour in her own opinion; she it was who had presided; she had known when to send for the doctor; she had known all along that everything was going to be all right.

I saw Morwenna later that day. She lay there, her eyes shining: she was beautiful in her complete contentment; and when Mrs. Bowles laid the baby in her arms she looked like the Madonna.

“I have never thought to be so happy,” she said. “Angelet, you must write at once to Mother and Pa and tell them they have a grandson.”

I was too emotional to speak; as I had sat on the stairs I had said to myself over and over again: How am I going to tell the Pencarrons? And now there was only joyful news to impart.