The Secret to Success (6 page)

When we first reconnected, Bob snuck me in his grandparent's house; however, Bob's older brother Bill wasn't too happy about it. When Bob's father died, his grandfather took custody of Bob and his brothers, and he built a nice size room for the boys in the basement. The room had two sets of bunk beds in it. I slept under Bob's bed on the floor—this sounds uncomfortable, but it beat sleeping outside. Bill was pissed because he looked at it this way: there were already four boys sharing one basement. After about a week he squealed and told his step grandmother whom he didn't get along with but he knew if he told gramp, gramp wouldn't put me out on the street. Bob was pissed when he found out what happened; even though Bill was his big brother, Bob's loyalty never changed. He spoke with his grandfather and let him know that he was going to let me stay in Bill's K-Car, which had recently been in an accident.

Whatever his step grandmother cooked for breakfast, lunch or dinner, Bob made sure I got a plate. In the morning he unlocked the door and let me take a hot shower. If you looked the word loyal up in the dictionary, you would probably see a picture of Bob. I learned that a real friendship is not about what you can get, but what you can give. Real friendship is about making sacrifices and investing in people to help them improve their lives.

I am a firm believer that a person does good when he feels good. A lot of people like to downplay power of thinking positively and being a positive person. Being around Bob convinced me that there is real power in positivity. I don't care what the weather was or what day of the week it was, Bob kept a smile on his face and a song in his heart. No matter what the circumstances were, Bob had a positive outlook on life. Whenever I was in his presence I forgot I was homeless. I think the fact that Bob had been through his own personal struggles and managed to keep his head up and remain positive made his witness that much stronger. He wasn't some kid born with a silver spoon in his mouth, but he used the principles of positivity to get through his own struggles. Bob lived in a three-bedroom house with his four brothers, his grandparents and his stepmother, and her three daughters. His grandfather was the sole breadwinner for the household. His mother was a substance abuser and was in and out of his and his brothers' lives, but no one would have ever known that my boy, Bob, wasn't born into royalty. He walked like it, he talked like it, he carried himself like it, and he forced the people who knew and loved him to treat him like it. It was that bravado that transformed my thinking and gave me energy to keep pressing toward my goals. After being in his presence I was convinced that positive people enjoy certain luxuries; they experience deeper joy and go through less stress than pessimistic people do. Through Bob I learned to look at hardships as learning experiences and even on the most miserable day I could hold the promise that tomorrow is a new day that promises to be better.

I truly believe that life and death are in the power of the tongue. I believe we have to be careful about the messages that we allow to enter our minds and the messages we convey to others because words have such power. I am a living witness that words that are spoken to you can bring forth life to your soul or death to your soul. I know this first hand because Bob's words coached me back to life. I remember Bob talking to me about some college down south called Oakwood. He was so animated and excited about it (later I found out that he had never even visited the school). He talked about how he thought it was the perfect college for me and that he thought I should go and study ministry. After Bob got me all excited, I found some literature on the school at church and began dreaming about the possibilities of going there some day.

I learned from Bob the power of words and how they can influence lives. There have been times in my life when close family members and friends spoke words that crushed me. “You are going to be just like your biological father, you'll never qualify for that or you're not smart enough to do that.” Words in the hands of the wrong people can not only crush your spirit, but they can also derail your dreams, skew your self-image, and hurt your heart. Bob's words of life brought me in touch with the two most critical relationships in my life today. The first one was with my first real relationship with a female and the second was my relationship with Jesus Christ.

Unfortunately for Bob and me, the church wasn't the only environment in which we spent quality time. As we got older we spent more of our time hanging out on Mark Twain and less time on the 7 Mile and Trinity. Even though the two were close in proximity, they were like worlds apart. Detroit in the late 80's was a weird city because one block could totally define what type of social economic status a person experienced. The houses on the deep west side of Detroit looked well manicured. They were made with beautiful red brick, had manicured lawns, and new cars in the driveway. If a person traveled further toward the east, he became more aware of the realities of poverty in an industrial powerhouse. When I use the term poverty it is much deeper than just living below the nation's poverty line. Poverty was a mindset. For the first time in my life I was fully exposed and experiencing the realities of poverty. I had family members who lived in Cabrini Green, in Chicago's housing complex, and some lived in the Herman Gardens housing complex. I spent the night at my grandmother and aunt's house on a regular basis and hung out with my cousins.

Gradually, the street values began to have a heavy influence on the two of us. Bob more so than me because Mark Twain was his old stomping ground. Eventually, Bob started drinking, smoking and hustling. I was more into the apparel game and gambling. I helped my customers purchase name brand apparel at discounted prices. I would go into the mall of their choice, find their items, steal the merchandise, and sell it for 50% off the retail value. I always appreciated that Bob did not pressure me into smoking and drinking. When the guys rolled up the Tops and began passing the joint Bob would say, “Don't pass that joint to E, ya'll know E don't smoke.” Even as far as the ladies were concerned, Bob knew that I was a virgin, but he never joked on me about it or tried to convince me that I needed to change my conviction. If I wasn't feeling it, Bob never pressed the issue or used his leverage in our friendship to manipulate me.

Summary: Principles 7

•   Choosing friends is a matter of life and death.

•   Lesson 1: Look for people who believe in something and are passionate about their beliefs.

•   Lesson 2: Be a giver, not a taker.

•   Lesson 3: Always remain loyal.

•   Lesson 4: Maintain a positive outlook.

•   Lesson 5: Never underestimate the power of words.

•   Lesson 6: A true friend respects your values.

“If you associate yourself with Eagles you will learn to soar to great heights.” -
Unknown

I think I made it quite obvious why it is so important to surround yourself with the right people. Your destiny and your dynasty is determined or demolished by those closest to you. Now that we have established the need for you to take a thorough look at those you have selected in your Fave Five or your inner circle, it's time to look at the next step toward your success—your environment. Here is the question you need to ask yourself before you enter any environment, “Is this soil the ideal environment for the type of harvest I am expecting to gain?” When I was a young man, my mother had a garden that I was equally responsible for. My mother taught me several things that I needed to take into consideration before planting my seed in just any dirt. First, I needed to examine the dirt. I needed to be certain to identify the best soil type for the growth of my seed. Next, I needed to select dirt that was disease free and that contained enough nutrients to feed the seed. Those who want success should think like a planter. They should understand that having the right seed is an essential key to success, but they must also understand that the soil that they entrust to the seed is just as vital. Those who understand this concept realize that the operative word for planting is not growth—growth can and will happen in most environments. The operative word is type! In the initial season, the success seeker is not anticipating growth; instead, he should search for the proper environment for growth to take place. Can you honestly say the environment(s) you are in will yield the kind of harvest you are expecting? If not, then you might want to get in position to reposition yourself.

That's what I did over twenty years ago. I repositioned myself. One day Bob came to me and said he was going to give me an opportunity of a lifetime. He said it was only under one condition; I had to be ready to get ready. Although it was a great offer, he said he wouldn't make the proposition if I wasn't ready for it. It took me about two months to clear my head and finally make the decision to take Bob up on his offer. He offered me the opportunity to come and visit the environment that made him the person he was, his church.

I thought changing my circle of influence had improved my life. Then I was exposed to the environment that made Bob into the person he was. The crazy thing is that my growth had nothing to do with the church itself. My growth was connected to the environment the church produced. The church was only a tiny little storefront church on Puritan and Ward with less than 100 members, but sometimes looks can be deceiving; bigger is not necessarily better. The Detroit Center Church created the type of environment that could reform the most rebellious, immature, and misguided young person in the entire world. I know what you are thinking. How soon can I pack my bags, turn in my two weeks notice and relocate to the West Side of Detroit? There is no need to go to such drastic measures. I am going to share the top 4 methods the Detroit Center Church used to help reform my life and prepare me for greatness.

Principle 8
: The right environment is pivotal to your success; embrace environments that positively contribute to your growth
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It hurts just thinking about that Final Four game. It was the NCAA road to the Final Four. Sixty-four teams entered the tournament and somehow they managed to survive and compete for the National Title. It was a nail biting experience, and with less than 13 seconds on the clock they were in striking distance. My team's opponent missed the free throw, the ball hit the back of the rim and my team got the rebound and headed down the court. Once they passed half court the forward dribbled the ball in the corner to set up a play and got double-teamed. With no play open and no help on the backside his instincts kicked in and he called a timeout. As he called the timeout, he realized there were no timeouts left. The ref called a technical foul and with less than 13 seconds on the clock, the other team went to the free throw line to shoot two free throws and won the game. The Fab Five stood on the court in shock as they suffered their second defeat 77 to 71 in the 1993 NCAA finals. I could see the look of disappointment on the face of Chris Weber as he walked off the court. I have never had the privilege of personally meeting Weber, Jalen Rose (whom I named my son after), or any the other members of the Fab Five, but trust me when I say I can relate to the pain Weber felt when falling short of his goal when it was only a few inches away.

Years before Weber ever stepped on the court, I was given a golden opportunity. It was the fall of 1987, on the west side of Detroit. It began like any other random church service. There were a ton of preliminaries, an A and B selection from the choir, and the pastor spoke. Everything was copasetic until the end of his message. I swear he started staring and preaching directly at me as if there were no other members in the church.

“The Lord admonishes us to forgive our debtors as He has forgiven us of our debts. Forgiveness is not a feeling, but it is a command. God is not offering you a pardon, a stay or a pass when it comes to forgiveness.”, he pressed. “We must all be willing, as He has been, to forgive our neighbors. Regardless of the pain we have suffered at the hands of our enemy, no matter the offense, we must free ourselves.”

He stated with a convicting voice, “I know first- hand what it's like to have an opportunity, to be so close to getting over the hump, but somehow falling short right at the end.” I was listening attentively when the pastor got to the part about forgiveness—the part about freeing your enemy so you could free yourself. The way he said it struck a nerve. Forgiveness was so far in the back of my mind, and so was that incident. I hadn't thought about the incident since I left. But when he said, “In order to hold someone down, you must stay down with them.” That one statement alone knocked the wind out of me. Was he suggesting that my success was somehow connected to my willingness to surrender my anger and forgive her for what she did to me?

“I am going to count down from 10 and give you an opportunity to come to the altar and respond to this appeal. And more importantly, I am giving you an opportunity to do more than forgive your enemies. I am giving you an opportunity to get your life back. By setting your enemies free, you unconsciously free yourself.” I am sure no one sitting beside me could see the all out brawl, the internal war that was happening inside of me. On one hand, I wanted to put it past me so I could move on with the rest of my life, but on the other hand, I didn't want to just let her off the hook that easy. She put me through too much pain for me to just forgive her and move on. But I kept thinking to myself,
“Here is your opportunity, your chance to get that monkey off your back. All you have to do is go up there and get it off your chest.”
Just as I was about to stand up and do it, I heard a voice say,
“Think about it, she hasn't forgiven you for what you've done. She never even accepted responsibility for her actions. Don't humiliate yourself.”
All of a sudden, I jumped on my feet, and started walking past the individuals sitting next to me in the pews. Once I made it to the aisle, I looked at the pastor and his eyes met mine. The eye contact only lasted a split second, but it felt like hours. I turned toward the exit and ran out of the front door and on to Puritan Avenue. Bent over and clutching my knees, gasping for air with sweat dripping from every pore, I began to relive the entire event over in my head as if it were happening for the first time. I grew ten feet because of that one sermon.