The Ultimate Guide to Sexual Fantasy (6 page)

Fantasy scenarios can take a premise like “secret hand job” and give it a context—like a movie theater, a restaurant, your desk at work, or an elevator. Take the fantasy further and the secret hand job in the movie theater comes from the stranger sitting next to you; in the restaurant it's from the waitress, and at the office it's from someone who really wants that job you're hiring for. And when you add costumes and props, clearly defined roles, a story line with a beginning, middle, and finish, you have smoothly transitioned to role-playing.

Basic fantasy scenarios come in limitless combinations, and I recommend using your intuition and your arousal as a barometer for determining what will work best for you—use your groin, not your brain. Combine fantasy elements that both turn you on and naturally seem to go together: a sex act, an item of clothing, and a place, a predicament.

You and your partner can participate equally—for example, doing sixty-nine in the back of a car. Or one of you may call the shots, running the show, with the other enjoying the ride (or being “forced” to go along with it).

Here are some suggestions to get you started. You can make your own list of fantasy elements that get you hot and bothered. Or copy the lists below; you and your partner can jot down “yes,” “no,” or “maybe” next to each item to get a clear idea of what you'd both like to play with.

Sex Acts

Masturbation, touching or masturbating through clothing, anal sex, rimming, oral sex, fisting, hand jobs, external ejaculation, ejaculation in mouth, female ejaculation, vaginal penetration, strap-on sex, threesomes, two couples, multiple partners, sex toys, male receptive anal penetration, female receptive anal penetration, particular positions such as doggie-style, being the middle of a “sandwich,” face-sitting and “smothering,” spanking, frottage (rubbing, as in a lap dance), sucking (nipples, clits, toes, cocks), licking (breasts, pussies, balls).

Clothing and Accessories

None (nude), panties, lingerie, men's clothing, neckties, boxer shorts, work clothes, shoes, boots, high heels, leather, lace, rubber, silk, bandages, collars, handcuffs, leashes, clothesline, glasses, ribbons, bows in hair, pigtails, barrettes, short skirts, formal dresses, tiaras, sentimental items like wedding garters, iconic items like letterman jackets, slippers, bathrobes, towels, aprons, strap-ons, sex toys such as vibrators or large dildos, gloves, lipstick, no makeup, long or short hair, hair color (brunettes or blondes), chairs, a couch, a bed.

Places and Predicaments

Household (kitchen, bedroom, closet, bathroom, toilet), cars, garage, motorcycle, fireplaces, barn or woodshed, beach, bars, alleyway, rooftop, caught in the act, punishment, “forced” sex, wrestling, competition, strangers, exhibitionism, in public, in a park, at work, a gas station, machine shop, dungeon, sex party, poolside, watching porn (especially a particular sex act), one nude while the other is clothed, locker rooms, embarrassment, control, fear, romance, seduction, sexy food play, restraint.

Did anything in these lists catch your attention? Spark a memory? Sound familiar? You can pick and choose which elements you'd like to make real and which might work better in the realm of imagination. Many couples would rather experiment with threesomes by pretending there is a third partner in the bed (employing their most inspired fantasy-fueled dirty talk) than by finding a real third partner to bring home. And it
is
much safer to send your husband to an imaginary dog house in your bedroom than to chain him up in the backyard. You can combine imaginary and real situations, people, and props in endless variations to get the most out of the fantasy scenarios that really turn you on.

In Your Head, or in Reality?

How “real” you make your fantasies is up to you. Generally speaking, you have many options when it comes to fantasy play within your relationship. You can:

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Keep your fantasies to yourself, enjoying them for masturbation or fantasizing during partnered sex.

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Share them by whispering your ideas or scenes to each other during sex.

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Confess a fantasy that you'd like to try—this will likely ignite some very hot sex—even if the fantasy remains in conversation.

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Talk openly about your fantasies together, and discuss ways in which you'd like to make them more realistic.

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Design the scenario in which you make your fantasies come true.

Successful fantasy play requires careful consideration of the circumstances, the timing, and your physical and emotional comfort. Most of all, it takes common sense. Let's face it, the idea of playing a sex worker who gets arrested by a gorgeous police officer—and is taken to the station for a sex-drenched afternoon in handcuffs—may sound appealing, but actually getting arrested isn't fun for anyone.

This is true for every fantasy you bring into reality, from playfully wearing panties under a business suit to forcing your boyfriend to have sex with a gang of bikers in a gas-station restroom. Consider all parameters of comfort and safety, and decide together how far you want to take the fantasy. The panties under his business suit may seem cute, but might compromise his behavior at the urinal—or make him go in the stall all day, causing him to feel more uncomfortable than sexy. Or feeling uncomfortable may be part of the fantasy: a subtle humiliation while you're not around to provide it yourself. He may not feel humiliation at all, just arousal, and you needn't worry—but you won't know unless you find out how far into the fantasy he'll stay sexually interested, and what limits will spoil the fun. Similarly, your partner
may enjoy the idea of being “forced” into sex, but may react very negatively to being tied up, pushed around, or taken by surprise. Conversely, he may deeply desire all of these things, and despair that you don't go far enough.

How to Ask for a Spanking

One of my closest friends, a widely published erotica writer, surprised me with a confession when I told her about this book. She was excited to hear that there would be a resource for people who want to live their fantasies, and wished that it had been around for her when, almost ten years ago, she would've given almost anything to have her boyfriend spank her. “I always wanted to be spanked. But it took me two years to get my courage up and ask him—and he was mortified! I stayed with him for another year and I was miserable. When I asked my next boyfriend, he was upset too, because he thought that spanking was ‘degrading' to women, and he'd never in a million years do that—but I told him that when she
wants
to be spanked, it's the opposite! About a week later he came over to my house with a hard-backed brush he bought, though he was still reluctant to use it, but I think that was mostly because he didn't know how.”

All too often, we know what we want but don't know how to get it. You can muster your courage to ask for what you want, but that doesn't mean you'll be met with enthusiasm; or if you are, that your lover will have the information and skill to execute your desires in the ways you want. Opening up can be scary, and being met with shock, surprise, or distaste is even scarier. Learning how to discuss each other's desires, and picking up tips for starting the conversation, is where you'll want to begin.

Get a Little Closer

Whether it's a lighthearted sex game or the revelation of your deepest erotic dreams, sharing fantasies can bring you closer. You get to find out each other's sexiest secret wishes. Like eager teenagers on a first date, you find yourselves on a sexual adventure that takes you into territory far from your old sex routines. Your willingness to try new things (or at least talk about them) engenders trust. That's good for your relationship.

Our fantasies come from deep parts of ourselves. When we share them, we're inviting another into our most private world. It's easy to feel emotionally exposed. You have to trust your partner to withhold judgment about your ability, performance, and (even scarier) your having these fantasies in the first place. Although these fears can be addressed largely by talking about them, moving past them takes willingness to extend trust and the cementing of that trust over time.

Not everyone is going to feel vulnerable sharing and trying out their fantasies. Some will be empowered; most will feel free at last to truly express themselves sexually; and many others will enjoy the verbal fantasy fuck of discussing their nastiest dreams out loud. Letting your fantasies run wild not only makes for pivotal sexual experiences, it can make your sexual relationship strong, vibrant, and alive.

Many people find emotional intimacy incredibly sexy. Couples in long-term relationships often discover that adding fantasies and role play to their sexual routine opens up a whole new universe of satisfying sex, forges a deep connection, and restores the energy of their relationship to the good ol' days of dating and courtship. If you and your partner play with fantasies as you would
with a new sex toy, you can ignite some pretty potent erotic sparks.

Getting to Know Your Lover's Fantasies

Finding out what gets your lover's motor running is as simple—and possibly as nerve-wracking—as just asking. If you regularly talk about sex, this is much easier, but if sex isn't a typical topic for you, then you'll want to read this entire chapter before you go digging for erotic gold. If you're both fairly comfy with sex chat, ask your partner what some of their fantasies are, tell them some of yours, and watch the sparks begin to fly. Or you can each make a list of five sexual fantasies that interest you, and swap them. If your sweetie is a bit shy, but you can tell they're ripe for some new sex play, try looking for cues to what piques their interest—a scene in a film that had them holding their breath, a well-thumbed erotic novel on the nightstand—then ask them, in a sexy way, what they like about it.

Once you've got a fantasy theme in mind, you can begin to plan your scene. First, determine what the fantasy is, and who it belongs to. Is it your fantasy, is it your lover's, or both? If it's yours, you likely have all the fantasy components in your head, and all you need to do is tell your partner the details. If your ideas are too sketchy to put into words, see the fantasy suggestions in the first chapter—in fact, I recommend you read them together. Pick out the main elements—a sex act, an outfit, a role such as dominant or submissive—and tell your partner what it is about the fantasy that turns you on. Once you know who wants to do what, decide just how real you'd like that scenario to be. You can keep it in the realm of imagination, watching scenes in adult
movies or reading erotic stories to each other that depict the fantasies that appeal to you. This way, your fantasy is a vicarious thrill, which is both incredibly hot on its own merits and great for nervous lovers. Also, you get the delight that comes from sharing your fantasy with your sweetie—or the heat of watching their face as they watch (or read) your number one turn-on.

You can take your fantasies a step further and bring hot talk into sex, where one partner describes the action of the fantasy in detail for the other. It's as if you're providing background narration as you go about your usual sex routine. You don't have to sound like a diva or a moaning, groaning porn star to describe your fantasies during sex. Remember that your lusty listener is going to be concentrating on the content of your words, not the inflection or the quality of your voice. Allow yourself to really sink into the story, and feel free to fill up the airtime; this is one time being a motormouth is to your advantage.

Don't know what to say? Describe exactly what you're doing, or what your partner is doing, in as much detail as possible. Allow your descriptions of in-the-moment sex to flower into a scene you know they'll like. For instance, if you're sitting on his face and simultaneously stroking his cock, describe the scene as though there were two of you doing these things to him. Voilà—instant fantasy threesome! Learn all about dirty talk, how to do it, and ideas for what to say in
Chapter 6
, “Weaving a Spell.”

Sexy Surprises

Slow seductions and jointly-planned fantasies are among life's exquisite pleasures, but surprising your sweetie
with something you know they'd like makes for an unforgettable sexual tryst. Make sure your partner has
some
idea that something's coming. Check in to make sure they're not exhausted, having a bad day, or will wish they'd showered before seeing you. Plan ahead for a successful surprise. Shop, get keys, wear the right outfit (or nothing at all).

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Surprise your partner with a light erotic treat such as an “aphrodisiac” dinner or a full-body erotic massage, or read a sexy story (possibly one with your favorite fantasy elements included).

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Slip them a note saying what you want to do with them later. Then do it.

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Leave a sexy present hinting at what's to come—tuck your panties into their pocket, pass them a note with instructions, leave an erotic picture where they'll find it, or bookmark an erotic story you want them to read.

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Surprise them with aggressive sex, or by enacting one of their fantasy sex acts (such as anal sex).