The Ultimate Guide to Sexual Fantasy (2 page)

We don't get much permission in sex education,
much hand-holding or support for taking our own road and finding our own thrills. Certainly there is no “Explore Your Fantasies!” module in most sex ed classes on the planet. But Violet teaches that class here, and if going to sexy school isn't the right fantasy to get you to turn the page, just riffle through your mind's collection of decadent desires and put her in a cop uniform or in the director's chair. Whatever you do, entrust her with something especially precious: your fantasy life.

Carol Queen, Ph.D.

Good Vibrations Staff Sexologist and author of

Exhibitionism for the Shy

Introduction: The Mirror of Desire

Sexual fantasy is one of our great cultural obsessions—it is the mirror of desire, reflecting our own, and our lovers', faces. Books devoted to fantasies fly off the shelves of bookstores, encouraging our hunger for more. More fantasy, variety, something different; more unusual, bizarre, and titillating sexual daydreams; more ideas for shared sex play. We want our sex lives to be exciting and diverse, and we want to be electrified, shocked, intrigued, and stimulated by new and unusual ideas for sex.

The Ultimate Guide to Sexual Fantasy
is for the thousands and thousands of women and men who want their sex lives to be an ever-changing menu of intimate daily specials. We all dream of making our fantasies come true—or at least making them vivid and heart-stopping, like a sexual thrill ride. Few of us tire of wanting to know
our lovers' fantasies, and we continually quest to satisfy them.

I know this is true—because I've spoken to an endless stream of customers who visit the women-run sex toy store where I work. They want to know how to make coupled sex hotter and seek practical inspiration for spicing up their routine. It seems like everyone wants something hotter, newer, more arousing, more inspiring.

Up until recently, the problem was, we'd all read those old books of sexual fantasies, you know, those “tell-all” collections of “private therapy sessions” (yeah, right) and stories with tiresome moralistic or negative endings. Those books never were really supportive of threesomes, bisexuality, fetishes, or any but the most tame role-playing scenario.

With the intention of avoiding the moralistic, dated style of heterosexual fantasy books and tapping into the high quality and adventurousness typically found in more current erotica, I edited
Sweet Life: Erotic Fantasies for Couples
and
Taboo: Forbidden Fantasies for Couples
. I wanted to give these adventurous, loving couples—and singles—more to take to bed, so to speak. Every single fantasy in those books could realistically be replicated at home—or in the car, under the desk, at the restaurant….
The Ultimate Guide to Sexual Fantasy
provides the “how-to” part of that equation. This guide explains how to make any sexual fantasy you can imagine come true. Here you'll find a huge wealth of practical ideas and real advice about sexual fetishes and fantasies. You'll find step-by-step instruction in fantasy negotiation and planning, role-playing, lap-dancing, stripping, S/M techniques, and more. You'll find examples of hundreds of fantasy roles and characters, and a complete guide to resources to help you find costumes,
accessories, props, and toys. There's advice for introducing new ideas—no matter how silly or small, or profound and life-changing—into your shared sex life, as well as advice for coping with difficult or troubling fantasies.

With this guide, you will find out how to incorporate new sex acts, positions, sex in public, or edgy encounters—–safely and pleasurably. Learn how to enjoy anal sex, deep throat, orgasms from penetration, or change the way you come, all by blending fantasy with your regular masturbation routines. Keep fantasies in your bedroom but make them authentic and realistic with the right details, props, and clothing. Take your fantasies out into the world: Have a threesome, an orgy, go to a sex party, try swinging, go to a strip club, visit a call girl or prostitute, or a dominatrix. Make your own porn, take erotic photos, or use the Internet in dozens of delightfully devious ways.

Here, you'll read how role-play can be fun, and hot, and not as goofy to try as you may think. If you already enjoy role-play you can take it to the limits of ecstasy. Overcome shyness and learn to talk dirty, strip, perform a lap dance, give your lover phone sex, or an erotic massage. If S/M and kinky play sound exciting, learn all the things you can do with BDSM in a kinky context, and for once, walk away from a book with concrete ideas about what to do as a dominant, submissive, or captive; what to do with someone all tied up—or simply how to ask for a spanking. Do you or does your lover have a fetish for feet, panties, uniforms, rubber—or something more exotic? Learn how to make fetish and sex work together to become a sex toy hotter and more reliable than one anything you can buy in a store. And there is a huge resource list in
Chapter 13
to keep you moving, get you
going, experimenting, and finding the things that turn you on the most.

The Ultimate Guide to Sexual Fantasy
is a warm welcome to the world of fantasy fulfillment. May you—and your partners—continue changing and loving and experimenting, and may all your erotic dreams come true.

Violet Blue

San Francisco

CHAPTER
1

Choose Your Own Adventure

Have you ever wondered what it would be like to go to a sex party? Thought about a threesome? Imagined tying up your lover for an evening of erotic power—or submission? Perhaps you've always wanted to pretend you were a schoolgirl, or a doctor. Or in your own private moments, perhaps you dream of being seduced by a rock star. Or your partner has confessed to a fantasy of being a sexy firefighter saving pretty girls from danger. Have you ever thought about doing the most forbidden sex act you could think of with that new secretary, in the office, after hours?

Think of sexual fantasy as the cornerstone of your individual sexual expression. An erotic fantasy is any thought, idea, image, or scenario that interests you sexually. It doesn't necessarily have to turn you on, or by
contrast it can be the one thing that gets your blood boiling.

If you think you don't fantasize, think again. Fantasies emerge from your erotic imagination in countless different forms, from fragmented sexual snippets to incredibly detailed narratives. Imagining romance, dreaming of someone you find attractive, masturbating to stories of taboo or even impossible sex, and vividly conjuring scenarios or sexual couplings you hope to make real in the near future are all ways we experience sexual fantasy.

Why do people like to fantasize about sex so much? Ever tried an aphrodisiac that worked? Not many people have. Even the legendary “Spanish Fly” is a myth—but sexual fantasies truly are Mother Nature's 100 percent natural, guaranteed aphrodisiac.

Fantasy can make masturbation intense and focused. You can set aside an hour just for your own pleasure, and include lubricant, a reliable toy such as a vibrator, and a fantasy—conjured by your own imagination, or taken from pictures in a book or magazine, or an adult movie.

Fantasy helps us to feel sexually self-reliant. Masturbating to a reliable fantasy and enjoying how good you can make yourself feel is one of the most empowering things you can do.

Try casting yourself in the starring role of your favorite X-rated film, whether in your head while masturbating, while watching the action onscreen, or in real life, with a lover.

Or get out of a sexual rut, no matter if you're single or in a couple, by finding new fantasies to explore. For ideas, read erotica and sex-tip books such as this one, explore the wide world of porn or romance movies, or visit Internet chat rooms as a voyeur.

You can “try on” sexual activities in fantasy. Think of it as an imaginary dress rehearsal. What would it be like to fellate your well-endowed new boyfriend or spank your new girlfriend's ample bottom?

You can go to extremes without real-life risks; in fact, you can vividly imagine any far-out sexual scenario that turns you on, without risking a thing. You can role-play scenarios that would be dangerous or taboo in real life, such as sex with a stranger, with many strangers, kidnapping, age play, forced sex, and more.

Spice up your shared sex life and reach deeper levels of intimacy with your partner by sharing tried-and-true fantasies and discovering new ones. You can build up to trying out your favorite fantasies in real life.

With fantasy, you can enjoy sexual activities and scenarios you're not experiencing on your own or in your relationship. Sometimes we want something our partners don't. Fantasy portrayals, watching what you want in porn, and well-planned masturbation sessions can get you what you want without upsetting your relationship.

Sometimes when we tell others what we like to fantasize about, our scenarios become others' fantasies as well. And when we brag to friends about real-life exploits, we never know which stories, innocently told over morning coffee, will become that evening's erotic fodder—or the script for your best friend's weekend tryst. We can make our fantasies real, if we choose—or in some cases, if we dare. You'll read more on this topic throughout the book.

Fantasies are your own private, personal sex toys. They send a direct current buzzing from your brain down to your groin. The right sexual fantasy, running in your head like your own private movie, can turn you on
like a switch. When you know what works for you, your own vivid imagination can bring you to dizzying heights of arousal—and take you over the orgasmic edge.

Fantasy and Fetish

While fantasies tend to appear as scenarios—elaborate or simple—fetishes involve the erotic objectification of very specific items, symbols, or actions. Often the fetishized object of desire is something that might not be thought of as sexual or even erotic by someone who doesn't share the fetish.

Fetishes are typically viewed as something for those with far-out tastes—people in the bizarre end of the sexual gene pool—or as something reserved for sexual mavericks. However, because fetishes are target-specific arousal triggers, many people have a sexual fetish of some kind, whether mild or wild. Someone might fetishize certain uniforms or shoes, overlarge cocks or breasts, rubber isolation suits, or even women smoking cigarettes. And while one person may occasionally like his lover to wear a nurse's uniform, another absolutely can't get off unless there are pastries present or balloons being crushed. You can reassure yourself that having a fetish is a normal, healthy expression of self-defined sexuality.

Since fetishes are so specific, they are easy to incorporate into fantasy play. You can read more about fetishes in
Chapter 9
, “Fetishes.”

Popular Fantasy Themes

Get your fantasy-making machinery in motion by identifying some general themes that turn you on. Do you know what turns you on? What shape do your fantasies
take? Are they vivid, vague, seemingly mundane, or a little scary? Don't try to look deeply into their meanings just yet; instead, pick out the main themes. What you're doing is isolating what makes your favorite fantasy a peak erotic experience for you. Keep your mind open, and don't pass judgment on yourself—this isn't about “good” and “bad,” it's about understanding what turns you on. Note the important differences between what is possible in fantasy and what is possible in reality. Here are some popular erotic themes:

Being Restrained

Held down, tied up, mummified, handcuffs, rope, bondage, tied to a chair, tied to the bed, tied to another person or yourself, rendered physically helpless in some way, caged, on a collar and leash, sensory restraint such as a blindfold or gag, held down by another person.

Being “Used”

A slave, a fuck toy, being limp or lifeless, getting passed around by multiple partners, your mouth or genitals used for someone else's gratification, face-sitting, gloryholes, the football team.

Casual or Anonymous Partners

A stranger in a bar, sex with anyone you don't know, with the waitress, with the UPS guy, as a sex worker or a porn star, while masked, as a burglar, a stranger in an adult movie theater, sex party, or bathhouse.

Fetishes

Feet, breasts, butts, dicks, mouths, panties, high heels, boots, overly large body parts, inflation, rubber and leather clothing, urine, feces, smoking, balloons being
squished or popped, pastries, pony play, knives, a particularly meaningful article of clothing, uniforms, Catholic schoolgirl attire, Santa Claus, long hair, pubic hair (or lack of), virgins, fat folks.

Firsts

First time doing vaginal intercourse, oral sex, anal sex, first time as a sex worker, first sexual experimentation, such as with a babysitter, an older sexual teacher, a younger student.

Gender Play

Dressing in drag, strapping it on, a woman having sex as a man, a man having sex as a woman, discovering (or knowing) that “she” is a “he,” a preference for transsexual sex partners, androgynous sex partners, people with male and female genitalia, sissy boys and sissy maids.

Being in Control

Exerting sexual power, having people “service” you, being an S/M top, owning a sexual slave, forcing your lover to do your sexual bidding, using your partner as a sex toy, erotic dominance, sexual initiation (“taking the virgin”), tying up your lover, making sexual rules, shaving your partner, dressing her in a collar or panties, leading the sexual action, ganging up on your lover with others, erotically spanking someone naughty.