The Ultimate Guide to Sexual Fantasy (3 page)

Loss of Control

Someone has sexual power over you and makes you do things, being helpless, powerless, in the hands of a robber or a cop, tied up or spanked, being the submissive or bottom, letting your lover call the shots and lead the action, being instructed on how to dress or behave in
an erotic context, being “pimped out” or exhibited, being unable to control your sexual urges. (See Being “Used,” above).

Multiple Partners

A gang bang (one person with four or more partners), sex with a sports team or a rock band, sex party, orgy, “ganging up” on your lover with friends, a threesome (two girls and one guy—or two guys and one girl), being arrested by a squad of cops, being used and abused by cheerleaders, enlisting your lover's help in seducing the girl or boy at the café (or picking up a male or female sex worker), sex with another couple, with a stripper in a club.

Public Spaces

At the office (at work), in a bar, bathroom, movie theater, park, department-store dressing room, alleyway, elevator, parked car, restaurant, subway or train, bus, parking lot or garage, on a rooftop, beach, street corner, onstage, behind the counter, at a sex club or private party, a strip club, in front of strangers—or friends.

Role Play

You (or your partner) are an icon: a cop or highway patrol officer, robber, schoolgirl, hooker, stripper, porn star, doctor, nurse, teacher, human animal such as a pony or dog, human animal owner or trainer, cheerleader, football team captain, babysitter, beach bunny, leatherman, age play (when one is older or younger), sci-fi creatures, aliens, a pimp, delivery person, plumber, traveling sales person, attacker, victim, salesgirl, waiter or waitress, bellhop.

Romance

Dreamy settings and seductions: being seduced by a rock star or actor, making love tenderly to the girl at the office, being rescued by a hot and horny fireman, saving your sexy fantasy lover from danger, a surprise fantasy enactment, seduction by candlelight, a sexy bath together, a dreamy getaway, sex in an exotic setting, a sexy picnic, perhaps with food on your lover's body, stripping or lap dancing for your lover, being sexually irresistible.

Taboo

With a forbidden person like clergy or family, with an animal, same gender, significant age difference, inappropriate urges or timing, rape, nonconsensual sex, in dangerous settings, abduction, knives, blood play, gang bangs, being “used” or experiencing a loss of control (see above) urination, defecation, enemas, necrophilia, gender play (see above).

Voyeurism

Watching people have sex, through the bushes or from outside their house, secretly watching a man or woman undress or masturbate, watching people have sex on TV, seeing another person (like a single woman) watch sex acts, a sex party, watching a sex worker, openly watching a masturbator, watching porn, watching a sex show or peep show, hidden cameras.

Your Current or Past Partner

A memory of a real-life event, imagining a fantasy you hope to do together, imagining your partner behaving differently than usual—such as being dominant or submissive, thinking of what you'd like to do to your lover, fantasizing about an old lover, thinking about your
present partner having sex with your ex (or all three of you together).

When Fantasies Make You Feel Bad

Often we fantasize about scenarios that should never happen (or that we
wish
had never happened)—and some that aren't even possible. We may fantasize about humiliating others or exerting control over them—and not in the context of a consensual scene. We may fantasize about our own experiences of sexual abuse. We may be ashamed to admit what fantasies we entertain.

Fantasies and fetishes are so culturally misunderstood, we may not even understand our own turn-ons. This can make us feel “bad” for enjoying them, leading us to become sexually isolated. Exploring your fantasies might upset you, even turn you off so powerfully you have to wonder what
that
was all about.

Some people don't care to explore their fantasies. Because fantasies arise in our imagination and therefore are connected to our subconscious, they can be startling, unpredictable, and sometimes even shocking. When we become aroused it's easy to surrender ourselves to whatever movie we're running in our heads—but sometimes, afterward, we realize that what got us off went beyond what we deem acceptable in our daily lives. It's easy to feel guilt or shame after a fantasy about a sexual act we find unpleasant or offensive. This can make us feel bad about sex, our desires, even who we are.

If the fantasy is powerful and includes something that in real life would cause us to feel shame or remorse, like degrading ourselves or betraying a loved one, it's easy to become upset. When fantasies involve the
people who share our lives (as they are bound to do), they can make us very uncomfortable.

Sometimes it's not the content of the fantasies that triggers guilt, but rather when or where the fantasy occurs. Fantasies can happen at inconvenient or inappropriate times, such as at work or at the doctor's office, creating a sexually charged mood while the world innocently goes on around us. This may feel “dirty.” Or you might find yourself fantasizing during sex with a partner: Your partner is fully present, yet unaware that you are imagining all sorts of things, even acts with other people, to get yourself off. The illusion is created that somehow you've betrayed your lover. It's important to understand the role of sexual fantasy in sex before beating yourself up about what, how, with whom, or when you fantasize.

We all know that fantasy is not reality. But when we masturbate and imagine troubling things, people, or situations, human curiosity kicks in and we ask ourselves whether these things are what we really want. For some people this is a horrifying thought. It's important to keep in mind that the realm of fantasy is a sanctuary in your mind where you are free to enjoy things that you would never do in real life.

Real-life relationships and your sexual fantasies (no matter how troubling) can work together beautifully once you understand what fantasies are, and how to use them. We can't help but indulge in certain fantasies, such as nonconsensual sex, age-inappropriate sex, or infidelity, nor can many of us resist getting aroused by them. And because we want our relationships to include every little thing that gets us hard or wet, our perceived lack of control over the acceptable boundaries of our fantasies can make us feel like we've stumbled into a danger zone. It's as if what is safe is at odds with what
is arousing. The two notions don't have to be at odds, and the act of bringing them together is a conscious one.

Fantasy Research

Fantasy source material can come from a variety of places. Obviously, there's your own imagination, but for some, hot ideas spring first from real-life sexual experiences. Real-life experiences can provide endless erotic inspiration, yet for many people what really gets the juices flowing (pardon the pun) is experiences we only wish we'd had. What if you
had
gone home with that stranger? Or
really
tried to get out of that speeding ticket?

Other ideas come from movies, music videos, porn, TV shows, books, and of course, erotica. And if you're not single, some of the steamiest ideas will come from your lover.

Remember that if you fantasize about something shocking, like being forced to perform sex, it doesn't mean that you want it to happen or that you are a bad person. But by identifying your fantasy scenario, you can find a safe space where imagination fuels desire.

By learning how to turn yourself on with fantasy, you can do extraordinary things, like make yourself really aroused and teach yourself new masturbation techniques. Or you can fantasize while your partner goes down on you, and learn to orgasm from the combination of oral stimulation
plus
fantasy. If you have established trust and sexual communication with a partner, you can share your fantasies—you can even make some of them come true. And in the following chapters, I'll tell you exactly how.

The Perfect Match

BY
A
LISON
T
YLER

After several months of dating, Miles and I were completely comfortable together. “The perfect match,” I told my best friend. “Really and truly perfect.” I felt okay stripping down in front of him, had gotten over the new-lover jitters, found that I slept better when he was next to me in bed, his strong arms curled around my body. I no longer needed my own space. But I suppose I shouldn't have felt so at ease so quickly. Letting down your guard can be dangerous. I've learned from the past, yet still, I found myself relaxing.

That's when he asked me to tell him my number one fantasy, and the thing was, I liked him.
Really
liked him. This wasn't a fling. It was real. So I did what any other girl would do in my situation—I lied. We'd only been together a short while, and I didn't want to scare him off. I've been in that situation before, cuddled up against a new man, sharing the sort of sexy secrets that make me the wettest, feeling faux safety while nuzzling against a barrel-chested lover. And then hearing the shock in his voice: “You want
what?”
and knowing it was all over.

This time, I was in it for the long haul. I adored Miles. If he didn't want to play dirty, then that was okay. I'd get my kink solo style, touching myself and envisioning all the twisted ways I like to get off. I'd save those seductive fantasies for myself, and get the rest of my needs fulfilled by my man.

But this man wasn't letting me get off so easy. “Come on, kiddo,” he insisted. “What rocks your world? What do you like the best?”

“Oh, you know, what every girl likes.”

“All girls are different.”

“Well, then, whatever
you
like.”

“That's just not true.” He pushed up on one arm and looked at me. “Don't you trust me, Lia? Can't you tell me?”

I shrugged and said, “Sometimes.”

“No time like the present,” he countered.

“Later,” I promised. “You tell me first.”

“Fair enough,” he said, curling back up with me again. “I've got this fantasy that I've been wanting to share with you—”

I could feel him getting hard again, and I pushed back against him so that we were pressed tight together.

“I want to spank that lovely ass of yours until you confess your favorite fantasy to me. Does that sound like something that would work for you?”

The muffled sigh that escaped me told him that he'd struck a chord, and within a second I found myself over his lap, ass in the air, his firm, steady hand connecting rapidly with my blushing backside. Maybe this man
would
be the one to hear out my dirty secrets, I thought, twisting in his embrace to find that I was unable to get free. That made me even wetter. When on the receiving end of a spanking, I don't want to be able to get free. I want to be held in place and forced to take my punishment. Who'd have thought that my handsome new boyfriend would understand this so quickly?

“Tell—” he insisted, reminding me of our game. “Tell now or you won't be able to sit down for a week.”

I didn't want to sit down for a week.

“Tell,” he said, “or I'll get my belt.”

Oooh, a belt!

But finally, as the blows rained down faster and harder, I started talking, feeling more safe and secure than I ever had before. Here was a man who knew I needed a spanking. He just knew it. Without me having to explain. Without me needing to drop hints, to wear short schoolgirl skirts, to be bratty and naughty and tease him until he couldn't stand it. So maybe he'd be able to give me the rest of the things I needed as well.

“It starts like this,” I said, and he pressed his hand against my hot skin and listened while I spoke. He didn't take me off his lap, though. He forced me to confess my fantasies while remaining in the awkward position of a recently punished plaything.

“You put me over your lap,” I said.

“Yeah?” I could hear the smile in his voice.

“You put me over your lap and you take down my panties and let them dangle from my ankles. You set your firm, hard hand against my naked skin and let me guess how much it's going to hurt before you even start.

“How much is it going to hurt?” he asked.

“Oh,” I sighed. “A lot. A good spanking has to really hurt.”

“And then—”

“And then you spank my ass until it's all pretty and pinky-red, and while you spank me, you tell me what a naughty girl I am.…”

“You are a naughty girl, you know,” he said.

“Yeah, I know.”

“But there's more, isn't there?”

“Of course,” I said, thinking to myself:
Of course there's more. There's always more
. “You spank me until I squirm against you, but you don't let me go. And when you're finished—not me, but you—then you take me over to the mirror and let me see my hot, blushing bottom reflected back at me.”

“Like this?” Miles asked, lifting me off his lap and pulling me quickly to the bedroom mirror. I gazed at my reflection over my shoulder, and then I met his eyes in the mirror, and I nodded. Yeah, like that. Just like that.