The Year I Almost Drowned (13 page)

away from Harrison which meant he’d be further away from me.

“Yeah.” He looked at me with a serious expression. “They called me yesterday.

It

all

just

happened.”

I didn’t say anything. I sat there with my arms folded against my chest and sulked.

Nana looked in my direction and said “I think we’re going to bed.” She and my

grandfather stood up. My grandfather took their mugs and placed them in the

dishwasher.

“Goodnight. Jesse, we’re so proud of you.” She hugged him and then kissed me

on

the

cheek.

“Be

nice,”

she

whispered

to

me.

“I’m proud of you, son,” my grandfather said and patted him on the shoulder.

“Thank you for coming today. It means a lot to me.” Jesse gave them a warm,

heartfelt

smile.

“Lock up for us,” Grandpa said, and they left the room heading upstairs to their

bedroom.

I got up and poured more coffee into my cup. I didn’t speak and neither did Jesse.

He just sat there with this look on his face, an unreadable expression. I had no

idea what he was thinking. A million thoughts were running through my mind.

How were we going to make this work if we were going to be so far away from

each

other?

“Coffee?”

I

asked

with

slight

anger

in

my

tone.

“Sure,”

he

said,

his

tone

quick

and

short.

I walked to the table and slid the cup in his direction. I sat down and looked at

him. He picked up his mug and held to his lips and sipped it slowly.

“When

were

you

going

to

tell

me?”

I

asked.

“It just happened.” He put his mug down on the table and rubbed his hand against

his

temple.

“It couldn’t have just happened, Jesse. You had to apply.” I was being terse.

He leaned in closer to me, his hands on the table. “I applied everywhere, Finn.

There aren’t a lot of job openings right now, especially for guys right out of

school.”

“Well,

it

would’ve

been

nice

to

hear

before

tonight.”

He frowned and shook his head. “I can’t believe you’re mad about this.”

“You

can’t

believe

I’m

mad?”

I

said

indignantly.

“Well... yeah. It’s an interview. You should be happy for me.”

“You

should’ve

told

me,

Jesse.”

He ran his fingers through his hair. He shook his head and closed his eyes.

“You’re

being

selfish,

Finn.”

“How?”

I

raised

my

voice.

“I need to get a job, Finn,” his voice was quiet. “What difference does it make if

I’m

working

in

South

Carolina

or

North

Carolina?”

“It matters, Jesse. The further away you are, the bigger the distance between us.”

I meant that in more ways than one and he could tell. Jesse was smart. He could

read

me.

“I don’t see it that way,” he said. “It doesn’t matter where I live, Finn. I could be in

Kansas. I’m committed one hundred percent to you, don’t you see that?”

I shook my head. “How can we have a relationship if we’re hundreds of miles

apart from each other? What are we going to do? See each other on holidays

and breaks if our schedules permit. We’ll be lucky if we get more than a few

weeks

out

of

the

year

together.

That’s

not

dating.”

It was true. I was confessing things I had thought about for a while but had been

too afraid to say out loud. I was scared out of my wits. What was happening to

us?

What

was

I

saying?

Why

was

this

happening?

“What you’re saying makes no sense,” he said in a frustrated voice. “It wouldn’t

have been that different if I got a job near here. It’s still far away from your school.”

“It’s different. If you’re near here, it’s like you’re home. If you’re up there, it’s like

you have another life in another place,” I said. “Without me,” I added quietly. “I

want

things

to

stay

the

same.”

“They’ll be the same between us. Our feelings won’t change.”

“It’ll be different, Jesse. Our relationship won’t be the same, not with you working

and

me

in

school.

It’s

going

to

change.”

“Nothing’s going to change, Finn. Can’t you see that?” he asked.

“It’ll

change,

Jesse,”

I

answered.

He sighed heavily. “Do you even know what you want? I know what I want, but

do

you,

Finn?”

“I want it all to be the same.” That’s what I wanted. I wanted it to be perfect without

the

complications.

He stood up and ran his hand over his tense, stress ridden face. “Now I know

how

you

feel.”

“What’s

that

mean?”

“I mean,” he said, putting both of his hands on my shoulders, “relationships take

commitment and sacrifice. I don’t know that you’re in this one hundred percent. It

shouldn’t matter where either of us lives. If we love each other, we can get through

it as long as we meet each other half way.” He let go of me and rubbed the back

of

his

neck

and

then

squeezed

it.

“I’m in this as much as you are, Jesse. It’s just have you thought about this? How

can we keep this going when our lives are headed in two different directions?” I

was so afraid to ask that question because I knew neither of us knew the answer.

“I

don’t

know

how

it

will

work,”

I

murmured.

“I don’t know but you need to figure it out, Finn. If you can’t handle what’s involved

with separation, then I don’t know if you’re willing to commit.” He moved closer to

me and touched the top of my hand and then pointed to himself. “I am, Finn. I’m

so in love with you, I know what I want. But I don’t know if you do.” The way he

looked at me, so despondent, it killed me to see him like that. “I’m gonna go now,”

he said and walked out the door without even saying goodbye.

I didn’t get up. I didn’t move. I didn’t run after him. I just let him go. I wanted to

run after him, to tell him I was in love with him, but I didn’t. I just let him leave.

I didn’t sleep well for the next few nights. How could I? I kept replaying the

conversation in my head over and over again. Was it over between us? How did

I let it happen? Why didn’t tell him I was wrong, that I could deal with long distance

dating? But it would have been a lie. A bold-faced lie. I didn’t know how to deal–

with

any

of

it.

I checked my phone and re-read the one text message sent to me at three o’clock

in the morning from over three days ago. “Finn, I need time to think. I’ll call you

when I’m ready to talk.” That was all he wrote. I was going crazy. We used to talk

everyday. I knew something was seriously wrong. The look on his face when he

left

the

other

night

said

it

all.

I pathetically looked at my phone again for the billionth time. No matter how many

times I checked it, there wasn’t another text or call from him. I don’t know why I

tortured myself that way. I lay in bed for what felt like the longest time. I’d had a

long day at the diner and with the lack of sleep I’d gotten, standing on my feet all

day wore me out. I thought working would get my mind off things, but it didn’t. It

made it worse. Every time I looked in the kitchen, I thought of Jesse. I didn’t tell

Meg or Hannah what had happened between Jesse and me because I wasn’t

even

sure

what

had

happened.

Their voices carried upstairs to my room, interrupting my meditative state. It was

him. He had come! A surge of energy came over me and I sprang up out of bed

and ran to the bathroom, looking into the mirror, checking my appearance. Ugh.

Hideous.

I combed my hair and pulled it into a pony tail. I splashed cold water on my face

and checked my reflection again. Pale. There wasn’t much I could do to help that.

I pinched my cheeks. They turned red for a second and then went back to their

natural state: whiter than white. I walked into my bedroom and rummaged through

my dresser drawer pulling out a teal green long sleeved shirt and dark denim

jeans. I tore off my spaghetti stained sweat shirt and ugly sweat pants and put

the shirt and jeans on. My dad’s sweater was draped around my chair. I snatched

it and put it on over the shirt. I was all set with one exception - the pink fuzzy

socks that covered my feet. Not a good look. I grabbed my brown furry boots and

put them on over the socks. Just as I was about to walk out of my room, I heard

a

knock

on

my

door.

“Finn,”

Nana

said

from

the

other

side

of

the

door.

“Come

in.”

“Jesse is here to see you.” She looked at me and frowned. “My goodness, you

look as tired as Jesse.” That was her way of saying that I looked awful. Who was

I

fooling?

A

better

outfit

couldn’t

help

me.

“I

haven’t

been

getting

much

sleep.”

“I guess he hasn’t either,” she said. I began to walk past her, but she stopped me.

“I don’t know what’s going on between you two. It’s none of my business. But it’d

be

a

shame

if

things

ended.”

I didn’t give her a response. I walked down the stairs and saw him standing by

the front door. He did look tired. But he still looked good. How could someone so

tired still look so handsome? He was dressed up, too. I had never seen him in

clothes like that before–black pants, a light blue button up shirt and a tie. A tie.

Jesse

never

wore

a

tie.

“Can

we

go

somewhere

to

talk?”

he

asked.

“Okay,”

I

answered.

We walked outside and got into his car. It was warm and smelled musky, like him.

He turned the ignition and moved the vents so they were all facing me. The hot

air blew on me. As he drove up and down the hills, nothing was said. Silence.

Absolute silence. No music, no conversation, nothing. It was excruciating. I could

hear rocks and other things on the road hitting the car and the swoosh of the tires

hitting the concrete pavement and other cars passing us by. I had no idea where

we

were

headed.

“Where

are

we

going?”

I

asked.

“I don’t know.” He sighed and hit the steering wheel with the palm of his hand.

I flinched and then recovered. “Well find a place, Jesse. We can’t drive around

like

this

all

night,”

I

said

curtly.

Why

was

I

so

mad?

“Fine,” he said through clenched teeth. He swerved the car off to the side of the

road, his blinker clicking constantly, the heat was still blowing on me. He rubbed

his hands against his face– the thing he did when he was stressed. “I got the job

in North Carolina. That’s where I was earlier this morning.” He wasn’t looking at

me. He was just staring at the windshield, at the infinite nothing in front of him.

“You...

did?”

I

shifted

so

I

was

facing

him.

“Yeah.” He turned his head in my direction. “I start in two weeks.” His expression

was

serious.

“That was fast,” I said. “I’m glad you got a job, Jesse,” I added quietly.

“I

did

a

lot

of

thinking,”

he

began.

“Me, too,” I interrupted. “I’m thinking of holding off going to Harrison and will go

to South Carolina State next fall instead. It’s close and won’t cost much. We

wouldn’t be that far away from each other. That way, we could still date.” It was

something I had thought about the minute he left the other night. It seemed like

the only way we could stay together, that we could make things be the same. I

didn’t

want

any

of

it

to

change.

He looked down, his lips turned down. “You’re not gonna give up on a school like