The Year of Living Shamelessly (34 page)
Read The Year of Living Shamelessly Online
Authors: Susanna Carr
Tags: #Fiction, #Romance, #Contemporary
He held up both hands, as if to stop her from saying it. “No, you don’t.”
Now she was getting angry. Katie crossed her arms and glared at him. “Who are you to say that?”
“You think you love me because we slept together and—”
“You may think that I’m innocent and naïve”—which was something she planned to disabuse him of at her earliest convenience—“but I know the difference between sexual satisfaction and love.”
“You can’t be in love,” he said angrily. He started to pace, rubbing his hand hard along the back of his neck.
“Why can’t I?” She didn’t understand why her words caused him such agitation. “Because you don’t love me back?”
“I didn’t say that.”
That answer gave her a flash of hope. But he didn’t say he loved her, either. “Because it’s inconvenient for you?”
“No!” He kept pacing.
“Then why?” she asked as she watched him pace back and forth. “Why can’t I love you?”
He stopped in the middle of the room. “Because I’m not lovable!”
She stared at him. Of all the things she had expected him to say, that was
not
it. He hunched his shoulders and looked down. She had never seen Ryder look so vulnerable. Lost and alone.
not
it. He hunched his shoulders and looked down. She had never seen Ryder look so vulnerable. Lost and alone.
“That’s not true.” Her voice was almost a whisper. She wanted to reach out and hold him, but he would not accept that. He would think it was out of sympathy or pity. “You know it’s not true. I love you.”
“Stop saying that!” Ryder closed his eyes and held up his hands, which trembled as he held back the turbulent, painful emotions. “Stop saying that. You think you love me, but just wait. It won’t take long for me to ruin that. In a couple of months you’ll wonder what the hell you were thinking.”
“I’m not the only one who loves you. Jake would take a bullet for you. When we were fighting this morning, Jake was angry at
me
for going after you, remember? He was protecting you.”
me
for going after you, remember? He was protecting you.”
Ryder looked away. “That was wrong of him. He’s your brother and he should look after you.”
“He’s your best friend and he’s loyal to you. And don’t forget my parents,” she added. “They adore you. I swear, you can do no wrong in their eyes.”
“Which would change the instant they found out about us.” He shook his head as he considered what he thought he’d lost. “It’s a good thing I’m leaving before I see their disappointment.”
“They’re not happy that you’re leaving,” she insisted. “And my mom thinks it’s about time I go after you.”
“She does?” Ryder looked stunned. He opened his mouth as if to say something, then closed it again. Finally he asked, “And your dad?”
“He knows how I feel about you, and I think he approves,” she said truthfully. “Otherwise he would have said something.”
Ryder leaned against the fireplace. “I don’t get it.”
Katie felt like she finally did. He thought the love the Kramer family showed him was conditional. After being abandoned by his only parent, maybe Ryder thought he would get it right the second time around. He did his best to never make a wrong move with the Kramers. He displayed a fierce loyalty, protected his adopted family with a vengeance, and was there whenever they needed him.
It must have been torture once he started to desire her, Katie realized. And then worse when she reinvented herself and threw herself at him time and time again. She didn’t want to think about how much he had struggled as she kept testing his restraint.
Ryder must have been torn between the affection her family had already demonstrated and the possibility of something more with her. He really took a risk in choosing her with no guarantee that it would work out. Katie was humbled by the knowledge.
“I didn’t fall in love with you because of what you do for me and my family,” Katie wanted him to know. “Love is not something that is earned. I fell for the man you’ve become.”
“I didn’t earn it?” he asked and she saw the fear in his eyes. She hadn’t meant to tap into one of his deepest fears. He had no control over the love he received. If it was given to him without him doing anything, it could just as easily be taken away.
She slowly walked to Ryder, not wanting to crowd him. She stopped right in front of him and she took it as a good sign that he didn’t step away. “Just accept that I love you.”
“You’re taking a big chance on me.”
“You’re worth it.” She stood on her toes and brushed her mouth against his. She felt the tension coming off him, shimmering in the air.
He reached up and stroked her hair. She felt his hand trembling and continued to kiss him gently. He was nervous. He wasn’t sure if he could trust her love.
And maybe he had good reason. She had gone after him because of a New Year’s resolution. The main goal was sex, not love. Now she was going to have to try to demonstrate her feelings without sex.
Oh, she didn’t know if she could do that. Katie stepped away from Ryder, and it took a huge effort. She hadn’t thought she was a very sexual person until she’d made love to Ryder. Once he gave her pleasure, the world had become sensual. She didn’t know if she could put a hold on that.
She looked into his eyes, wrestling with her plan. He was going to leave town in two days. She still wanted to fulfill as many fantasies as she could with Ryder before the New Year.
But he already thought that she was confusing love with sex. She knew the difference. He would be shocked to know that she did not have to be in love to have good sex. In fact, she had had sex for the hell of it and enjoyed it. But he didn’t need to know that.
All he needed to know was that she loved him, and that she was of sound mind when she said it. That meant no sex. Even if it killed her.
“Why are you looking at me like that?” Ryder asked.
“I’m . . . I’m trying to work up the nerve to ask you to stay here just for today. I know you have a lot of things to do, but I also know you came here to find some peace and quiet.”
“I always felt safe here, you know?” Ryder looked around the room. “Like I belonged.”
“You do. So stay here,” she said, hating how choppy her words were. Could he tell that she was trying to hold back? “Just for today. I won’t crowd you. Promise.”
“Okay.”
“Good.” And that meant no touching, kissing, drooling or staring at Ryder. She could do this.
“As long as I can stay the night,” he said with a gleam in his eye.
“Even better.” He wanted to spend the night. Here. With her. When she had just promised herself no touching, kissing, drooling or staring. How was she going to survive that?
Okay, new rule. She would be the good girl Ryder thought she was. She wouldn’t
initiate
the touching and kissing. That would be better. And she’d let Ryder make the first move and every one after that.
initiate
the touching and kissing. That would be better. And she’d let Ryder make the first move and every one after that.
It was going to be a really long night.
CHAPTER SEVENTEEN
December 30
He was officially domesticated, Ryder thought with a content smile. If Jake saw him now, he would claim that Ryder was completely wrapped around Katie’s finger. Ryder wouldn’t argue, although he would like to think that Katie was bound to him just as tightly.
Ryder looked down at Katie, who was snuggled against him on the couch. She looked so small and delicate tucked against his side. She wore a baggy sweatshirt and pants, but he couldn’t think of a time she looked more feminine. Her scent teased him and he was drawn by her softness. He couldn’t stop touching her. Katie’s long black hair was draped over his arm and he was tempted to wrap the length of hair around his hand until he could palm the back of her head. Then he could kiss her just the way he wanted, for as long as he felt like.
He could do that right now. Katie wouldn’t refuse him anything, and that knowledge heightened his senses, his need for her building. It was going to take hours to sate this kind of hunger.
He was surprised that Katie wasn’t impatient to get him back in bed. Her body hummed with need, he could tell, and she was generous with her long kisses and sensual caresses, but she was holding back. In fact, she had been so sweet and attentive. Accommodating. Quiet and shy.
Something was up.
He wasn’t going to say anything just yet. Why mess up a good thing? But Katie’s biddable behavior niggled at him. Was she trying to show him what he’d be missing once he left? Most likely. But he was already taking some good memories with him, and most of them starred Katie. Some of those moments would have been insignificant to her, and others she would want him to forget, but he treasured the imperfect times just as much as a day like today.
These were the final moments he had with Katie. He thought he would experience a sense of frantic urgency. If anything, he thought Katie would try to cram a lifetime into a few hours until it felt like they’d run a marathon. Instead, the lazy winter day stretched into a warm, sensual night and drifted into another snowy day. As he held her close he thought about everything he would be leaving behind when he moved away. His friends, the sense of community in Crystal Bend—despite the small-town gossip that drove him crazy—even the weather. He wouldn’t be able to enjoy lazy winter days like this when he moved to Dubai.
Ryder sighed and pulled her closer. He liked the sense of being cocooned in the house, away from the rest of the world. It gave them a chance to be a couple, no matter how little time they had. As he looked down at Katie he remembered the good times they’d shared in the past. Like when she had quietly let him in the back door at the Kramers’ house when he had an angry ex-girlfriend chasing him down, or the numerous occasions when she’d pulled him out of bar fights if situations got out of hand. Katie was the only one who listened with understanding when he poured out his true feelings about his absent mother, and she could always offer a witty insight that made him smile at his own situation.
And now, Katie was making every one of his wishes come true, but secretly he hoped her docile behavior didn’t last much longer. He missed the challenging, teasing temptress. The one who could handle him at his worst. At least he knew she couldn’t be this submissive for so many consecutive hours. If she didn’t unleash the bratty, naughty, unpredictable side of herself soon, he would have to do something drastic. A curl of wicked anticipation flickered deep in his gut.
Either way, it was a win-win situation for him.
Good-girl sex wasn’t bad, Katie decided. There were some benefits, like letting Ryder do
all
the work, from the seduction to holding her when she fell asleep in his arms. He really pulled out all the stops, and it overwhelmed her. She enjoyed every moment.
all
the work, from the seduction to holding her when she fell asleep in his arms. He really pulled out all the stops, and it overwhelmed her. She enjoyed every moment.
However, she had to be on her very best behavior all day and all night. It was hard for her to remember that when the love of her life was kissing her so passionately that her toes curled. And being ladylike in bed meant no grabbing, biting or taking. That had been tough.
If Ryder had noticed her reserve, he hadn’t mentioned it. He had made love to her so thoroughly that he probably attributed her quiet behavior to sleepiness.
She wasn’t going to regret her decision to be the sweet, innocent good girl Ryder thought she was. It wasn’t her fantasy, but maybe it was his. Ryder certainly made the most of their night together and she had no complaints. After all, one of her wishes had come true: he had spent the night in her bed.
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