The Year of Living Shamelessly (38 page)
Read The Year of Living Shamelessly Online
Authors: Susanna Carr
Tags: #Fiction, #Romance, #Contemporary
“Yeah, that’s what I thought you’d say,” Katie said with a wry smile. She opened the truck door and slowly got out. “I’m usually very straightforward with you. I didn’t tell you what I really wanted because I knew you wouldn’t touch me.”
“That’s not true,” he was compelled to say.
She leaned against the door. “You really would have entered a relationship with me knowing I wanted forever?” she asked, her eyebrow arching in disbelief.
Ryder’s mouth opened and closed.
“I thought so.” She slammed the door and walked to her parents’ house. Katie heard the whine of the car window rolling down and knew Ryder wasn’t going to let her have the last word.
“I’m not a family guy,” he called out after her.
“Keep telling yourself that and you might start believing it,” she called back over her shoulder.
“You of all people know I’m no good with families.”
She whirled around. “You think that because you’re basing everything on what your own family did,” she corrected angrily. “And good riddance to them. But when you were with us, I saw how much you valued family.”
“That’s not the same,” he argued.
“If we had made a family, you would have done anything to protect and provide for them. And so would I.” She pressed her hand over her pounding heart. “I would have created the home you couldn’t wait to get back to.”
He continued to stare at her.
“I know that reaching that dream wouldn’t be easy. There would be risks and mistakes and setbacks, but we could have made it work.” She took a deep breath, feeling the tears stinging in her eyes again. “But not anymore.”
“Because the Merrill house isn’t available?” He pointed in the direction of her dream home.
She pointed at him. “Because you’re leaving before anything can happen.”
He hit his steering wheel with the palm of his hand. “That’s not why I’m leaving.”
“Yeah, you’re leaving before you ruin how I feel about you,” she said as she opened the front door. “You think I’m going to stop loving you, and you want to be long gone before that happens.”
“You’ll thank me later.”
“Why?” she yelled back, her hands shaking as she gripped the door handle. “Why would I thank you for showing that whatever I do, it’s not enough? That
I’m
not enough for you?”
I’m
not enough for you?”
“Katie!”
She stepped inside and slammed the door shut. She leaned against the solid wood, needing its support. She knew locking the door would be a waste of time. Ryder wasn’t going to come after her. He was moving out and moving on.
When she heard the growl of Ryder’s truck’s engine as it sped down the street, Katie slid down the door and sat. Ryder was gone forever. Now she could cry.
Why? Ryder clenched his teeth as he drove off, the truck tires squealing in protest. He wanted to run after Katie and comfort her, and it took all of his willpower to leave her alone. After all, he was the source of her pain.
Creating a home together.
Katie’s words wafted inside his head like a curl of smoke, provoking cozy images he couldn’t allow. He really was no good with families. He wished he was, but didn’t let that show, protecting that weak spot of his. It was hurtful enough that his own family didn’t want him around.
But Katie wanted him, and was willing to take the biggest leap of faith by creating a family with him. Ryder winced and slowed his truck. Damn, why did Katie have to lay that on him now? Hours before he was leaving for good.
He did not need this. Ryder rubbed his aching head with a tense hand. He could drive away right now, throw his bags in the truck and leave without looking back.
I fantasized about having it all with you.
Ryder punched the steering wheel with frustration and continued driving. Yeah, he fantasized about that, too. In those unguarded moments, he imagined having Katie at his side, always there no matter what happened.
I wanted forever.
Ryder never allowed himself to dream about forever. His track record proved that no one could handle him for any length of time. Except for Katie, but she saw him differently. For years she had built him up in her mind as some sort of hero, and Ryder should have destroyed that image long ago. But he wanted to be the kind of guy Katie thought he was, and when he was with her, he felt like he could be. It was dangerous to think that.
Because eventually he would ruin everything, and her love for him would die. He couldn’t live with that. Katie’s love was the greatest gift he received, and he was afraid of losing it.
Ryder slowed down his truck when he saw the Merrill house coming up. He didn’t know why he had decided to drive down this street. He parked at the curb and stared at the house, trying to see what Katie loved about it. The house was run-down and he could make a list of problems just from a glance. It could be a solid structure, if someone was willing to invest a lot of money, time and tender loving care.
Maybe Katie saw him the same way. He hadn’t had a lot of success with families, with relationships, but she was willing to take the risk with him. Even more than that, Katie wanted to give him the one thing he didn’t have the courage to go after.
He wished he could do the same for her. If there ever was a time to prove that he could be the guy Katie thought he was, this was it. It would mean throwing caution to the wind, and risking Katie’s love, the most precious thing he had.
Ryder stared at the Merrill house, his heart pounding hard in his chest, as he noticed every problem and every potential in the house.
I would have created the home you couldn’t wait to get back to.
She had been doing that for years, Ryder thought as he turned the ignition. Now it was his turn, and he couldn’t wait.
CHAPTER NINETEEN
Katie lowered her head and winced as the music blared through the speakers. She felt the rhythm vibrate in the floor, through the soles of her feet, and invade her frail body. Her wrung-out heart pounded. It was building and building until it threatened to puncture through the weak armor of her skin.
“I can’t believe you dragged me to this,” Katie yelled over the music as she stood against the wall of the New Year’s Eve party. She would usually try to drag her friends out of the darkened corner, but tonight she wanted to be invisible. She didn’t want to pretend that she was having fun. She certainly wasn’t going to reminisce or look forward.
One of her male coworkers walked by and smiled at her. Katie glowered back. Hmm, she might have dated that one once. She couldn’t remember and she didn’t care.
“Hey, you have no right to complain,” Melissa decided, guzzling down a glass of champagne. “You dragged me to the Christmas Eve party.”
“That was different.”
“Hardly.” Melissa wiped the back of her hand across her mouth. “You’re even wearing the same outfit.”
She looked down at the black turtleneck and leather skirt combo, complete with the black leather stiletto boots. Katie hadn’t had a chance to return them, and when she saw them in her closet she felt they suited her mood perfectly. “If anyone asks, I’m in mourning.”
“Fine, I will be, too.” Melissa gestured at her outfit. The fitted black pantsuit was kind of cute. Sexy and sporty. It suited Melissa, emphasizing her athletic build and tomboyish style.
Katie felt old and dowdy next to her friend. She had no energy and just wanted to go back home and sleep until spring. Katie leaned her head against the wall and let out a long, whiny groan.
“I’m beginning to regret forcing you out of the house,” Melissa said as she grabbed another plastic flute of champagne. “I really thought this would be a good idea. I’m sorry.”
“Sure, now you say that.” Where was the reprieve when she was under her warm covers, huddled in a ball, and all cried out? Melissa showed no mercy and had been adamant that Katie fulfill her obligations. And all this time Katie thought her friend had been a softie.
“You’re obviously not ready to be out in public,” Melissa said and took a big gulp from her glass, wrinkling her nose as the bubbles got to her. “I know you think I’m being hard on you, but the sooner you get back out in the world, the easier it will be.”
“Remind me never to ask you to be my life coach,” Katie said. “In case you haven’t noticed, Melissa, I lost my dreams all in one day. And that day was
today
. I haven’t even had twenty-four hours to come to terms with it. Give me a break.”
today
. I haven’t even had twenty-four hours to come to terms with it. Give me a break.”
“It only feels like you’ve lost.” Melissa patted Katie’s shoulder with bruising force. “It’s really a setback.”
“No, I ran out of time. Out of luck.” Katie rubbed her shoulder. “You know, I went after what I wanted, all cylinders firing. I did not hold back. I was so sure that if I gave it my all, I would achieve the impossible.” She obviously had read too many articles on positive visualization.
“Why are you surprised?” Melissa said, trying to talk and drink champagne at the same time. “Okay, I get it with the house. I’m as surprised as everyone else that there was a buyer.”
“Melissa, that house was a diamond in the rough!”
“If you say so.” Melissa waved off the declaration with her hand. Unfortunately, it was the hand that was holding the champagne. The golden bubbly sloshed from the rim and Katie jumped out of the way.
“But Ryder?” Melissa asked and shook her head. “You knew he was leaving. The whole point was to get him into your bed before he left. You did that. Mission accomplished. Let’s drink to it.” She took another gulp from her glass.
Mission accomplished? It sounded so cold. Katie glared at Melissa. “My time with Ryder was more than that.”
“I know. I hope that you’ll be able to look back and appreciate what you had with Ryder, even though the outcome wasn’t what you hoped for.” The corners of Melissa’s mouth turned down and trembled. She pressed her lips together and determinedly gave a small smile. “Let’s focus on something more positive,” she suggested as she raised her glass for a toast. “Let’s hope that Hilary will be just as successful with her resolution.”
“Hilary made a resolution?” Had she learned nothing from this past week? And all this time Katie had thought Hilary was the smart one out of them all.
“She learned that blondes really do have more fun,” Melissa said as she watched the party around her. “And Jake prefers blondes, so guess what?”
Katie stared at her friend in shock. “Hilary went blonde?
Our
Hilary?” She looked in the crowded party, hoping to see that Melissa had gotten it wrong.
Our
Hilary?” She looked in the crowded party, hoping to see that Melissa had gotten it wrong.
“Platinum, baby.” She took another sip of champagne and smacked her lips. “She’s probably stalking Jake now. You know how Hilary likes to get a head start on projects.”
“I can’t believe she’s doing this. Not after . . .” Katie snapped her mouth shut. She had promised not to reveal Hilary’s lowest moment. “Not after the mess I made with my resolution.”
“But everything turned out fine. Ryder isn’t mad at you anymore and you had your wild affair.”
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