Things I Can't Forget (18 page)

I can understand how Emily got pregnant. When I’m with Matt, I stop thinking about everything but him. It’s just him, him, him, and me. It’s only about us. It must have been the same way between Emily and Jacob.

I’ve been told my whole life that our God is a jealous God and that he comes first. I’ve done everything He’s ever told me to do up until the past few months. And while following God always felt right, so did helping Emily. It felt right to help her, just like it feels right when I’m kissing Matt or cuddling with Matt or sharing myself with Matt. It felt right to help Brad too, but look at what happened. He betrayed me.

We’re only on the Earth for a tiny amount of time. God says we’re supposed to love our neighbors. But then my preachers at church tell me we’re only supposed to fall in love with other Christians.

And it’s all so confusing.

I want to tell Emily that I understand why she did what she did with Jacob. I may never understand why she decided to get an abortion, but now I know what it’s like to get swept up in love.

But if I were to try to talk to Emily, would she call me a hypocrite and never want to see me again? Because I wouldn’t blame her.

I play with my chicken o’ rings. I poke my green beans with a fork.

I look up at Matt, watching him talk quietly with Andrea, and I want to tell him I love him. But I’m still scared of being with him because my body does what it wants—my hands touch him all over and my lips roam everywhere.

Deep inside, I feel God’s love in my heart, and I know I shouldn’t be with Matt until I can control myself. But I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to do that. Is it healthy to have a love like that anyway? A love where you throw aside all caution and dive right in?

I love him.

But I can’t be with him.

I pick up my tray and approach Matt. Andrea gives me her patented death glare, and he stares out the window.

I scrape my green beans onto his tray. He looks up at me, scratching his neck, his eyes clouded with pain and confusion. I return my tray to the dishwashing window and head outside into the sun to think.

•••

After the Thursday Night Dance, we take the campers to the Woodsong Chapel for devotion.

“Tonight we’re doing something special,” Megan says. “We don’t do this every week, but I just felt like we should tonight. If you have something you can’t let go of or can’t forget about, write it down on the piece of paper I handed you and throw it in the fire. You can also pray for someone using this slip of paper. It’s just between you and God.”

I crinkle the paper between my fingers and thumb. I want God to take it all out of my hands and show me what to do already.

In front of me, the fire roars. A movement stirs out of the corner of my eye and I turn to see Matt strutting down the path toward the flames. He stands there a moment before wadding up his paper and chucking it into the fire. Then he kneels at the altar, shuts his eyes, and prays. His cross charm swings back and forth.

I write on my sheet of paper,
Please
show
me
the
truth
.

No one else has approached the fire yet except for Matt. I follow the same path he took and let my paper float into the flames. I watch it burn into nothing and listen to it crackle. I kneel at the altar and clear my head, focusing on the crickets chirping and the noises of other bugs. Listen to the sound of water running into the creek down by the lake. Smell the pine and cedar. Sometimes nature is the closest thing to God.

I raise my head and find Matt still bowing with his eyes closed. He scratches his ear. The movement reminds me of how fragile he is—that he put himself back out there after Sarah because of me. Wind whips through the fire. I pull myself to my feet. I kneel next to him and grasp his hands.

“Hey,” he says, peeking up at me.

“Hey.”

I bite the inside of my cheek. We shut our eyes, and he gently rubs his thumbs over the backs of my hands. The leaves stop rustling. I can’t hear any kids. I don’t even hear the crackling of burning wood. It’s just me and him.

“Tell me what happened with Emily,” he whispers.

“It’s bad,” I reply. “I did a really bad, bad thing.”

He squeezes my fingers. “You can let whatever it is go.”

“I can’t. It’s so bad.” I swallow a sob.

“You can tell me what happened and I’ll never tell anybody. It’s all you and me. Right here. Okay?”

Heat flushes my cheeks and my eyes sting, but his hands are wrapped around mine. Tonight I burned the words
please
show
me
the
truth.
As long as I’ve known Matt, he’s worn the clothes he wants to wear, he’s sung the songs he wants to sing. He’s friends with whoever he wants to be friends with, including judgmental Kate Kelly. Me.

He’s the truth.

“Emily got pregnant,” I begin, glancing around to make sure no one else can hear me. The nearest campers are several feet away. Matt’s gaze never leaves mine as I talk. “She decided to get an abortion, which is something I would never ever do and I can’t understand how she could do that. But I agreed to help her anyway because she’s my friend.”

Matt rubs my wrist.

I keep going, “I drove her to the clinic and helped her get an abortion…I even loaned her money…” I sniffle and wipe a tear away. “I can’t stop thinking about the baby. I drove her there. I paid for it. I helped, you know, to end a life…”

Matt tucks my hair behind my ear. “You know what I think?” he mumbles, and fear rushes through me because his eyes move away. “You’re a good friend. I’m glad you were there with her.”

“But I sinned. The baby…”

“You were there for Emily. You did something you didn’t believe in because you’re strong. And you care. God definitely forgives you.”

“Are you just saying that?”

He chuckles lightly. “I wouldn’t lie to the daughter of the killer of Vincent Moose.”

I wipe my nose, sniffling and giggling. We grow quiet again. Past Matt, I watch as Ian and Carlie follow our lead, kneeling together at the altar. Ian catches my eye and smiles.

“Are they official now?” I whisper to Matt, who looks over his shoulder at them.

“They’re getting there, I think…” He squeezes my hand, giving me a mischievous look. “No changing the subject on me. You should call Emily tonight.”

“No cell reception,” I reply.

He gives me a look. “There’s a pay phone.”

“I’m not ready.” I can’t believe I told Matt my biggest secret. My biggest shame. But I don’t feel like I’m standing on the edge of a cliff anymore. I feel like I’m standing on the edge of a cliff with his arms around me.

“Is that what you wrote on your paper?” Matt asks, nodding toward the fire. “The abortion? The baby?”

I nod. “Sort of. What did you write about?”

He glances up at the cross nestled in the trees. “I care about you,” he whispers. “And for the longest time, I didn’t date anybody. I didn’t fool around with anybody—”

“But on our first date, you said hooking up is different from dating and—”

“I haven’t hooked up with anyone,” he mumbles. “I never really got over Sarah. I never got over her until that day I saw you again.”

I exhale, wipe my eye, and then clasp my hands together.

His mouth lifts into a smirk. “Do you believe in the sign? The rumor that God tells someone something every year at camp?”

“I want to believe in it…”

Matt goes on, “I think God gave you to me, and he gave me to you, so we can both move on.”

“Move on to what?”

“To each other.”

“To get over what happened to us?”

He grins a little and takes my hand again. Flames flicker on his face as he looks straight in my eyes. “So we can live. You can forgive yourself and I can trust again.”

I bow my head, praying to Him to tell me this is true.

“This isn’t the time or place for this,” Megan says, appearing behind us, interrupting.

“Megan, give us a minute,” Matt says in a strong voice. “This is important.”

“Quickly, then,” she says, and goes back to her seat on the log bench.

Matt is the rock. He makes me want to stand up for what I think is right. Maybe all that matters is that he’s right for me, and I’m right for him.

“I care about you too,” I whisper.

“I’m sorry about what happened with Emily that day. I shouldn’t have stayed the night.”

“I wanted you there.”

He leans his forehead against mine. “Remember when I told you about how you saved me when we were younger?”

“Yes,” I whisper.

He sighs deeply. “I didn’t tell you the whole truth. Before I met you, I was so sad. I wanted to end it.”

Is he saying what I think he’s saying?

“But then I prayed here at camp. I hoped I would get the sign. And then I met you. And you were so nice, and you liked my music, it gave me a reason to keep on for a while. Then Jenn was born and I felt like I had a reason to exist.”

Tears are flowing down my cheeks now.

“I guess what I mean is,” he says, “I’m here because of you.”

heaven

That night after the kids are asleep, I decide to take a walk out to the big field, to look at the stars. I sit down on the grass and sketch by moonlight, drawing the constellations. My paper looks like a game of Connect the Dots.

Ever since Matt asked where Heaven is, I’ve thought about it when I’m outside at night. Staring at the stars reminds me of how tiny I am, how I’m just one person. Being in the darkness makes me wonder if there really is a God and a Heaven and a Hell. Even though I can feel God inside me, a small part of me still worries that when I die, nothing will be there.

The Earth existed before I was born, and it will exist when I die.

What if all that is me is just gone?

The thought of that makes me feel more alone than ever. I miss Emily. I miss Matt. I can’t imagine spending my time on Earth without them. Because eternity is a long, lonely time.

I connect the dots of the Big Dipper. Then I hear the sound of feet crunching grass.

I look up to find him. I stare and he stares back, and then we’re together.

I’m kissing him so fast and hard I get dizzy. Before I got my first real boyfriend, I thought about the kissing, but I never imagined the details—how his lips would be warm and wet and how his calloused fingers would feel rough yet soft against my skin. His hands settle in my hair, weaving through the strands. I hug him tight to me, trying to ignore the feelings building in my body. We kiss again and I can tell his body is buzzing like mine.

When I get back to Bluebird later that night, I finish connecting the dots of the constellations.

Is Matt right? Did God connect us together?

What will Matt say when I tell him I can’t move this fast? I’m falling in love with him, but I can’t let myself get into a situation where he and I could have sex. I just can’t.

monday, july 16 ~ week 6 of 7

Will is grinning at me.

Today I’m using my break to work on an acrylic painting of the big field. And Will just showed up in the art pavilion out of nowhere.

“What’s up?” I ask him, wiping the hair out of my face and going back to my painting.

He comes toward me, dipping his hands into his khaki shorts pockets. “I was just thinking about how if I didn’t have Parker and you asked me to prom now, I definitely would say yes.”

That statement hurts, but it’s a good hurt. “Why?”

He lifts his shoulders. “You’re more relaxed. And confident. You’re pretty. I don’t know if it’s Parker’s makeover that she’s
always
bragging about—”

“I’m happy,” I interrupt.

“That’s probably it then, eh?”

I tuck my hair behind my ears. “I’m kinda glad you didn’t say yes to prom, you know?”

“I get that. Matt’s a good fit for you.”

“Like Parker is for you.”

“Damn straight.”

I point at him with my paintbrush. “No cursing in my art pavilion.”

He grins. “Yes, ma’am.”

At lunch, I’m sitting with my campers, talking about how we’ll make friendship bracelets later, when Matt leans over my shoulder.

“Boo,” he says, making the girls laugh.

I smile at him, feeling the heat from his cheek warming mine. “What’s up?”

He holds his tray above mine and scrapes his green beans onto my plate. “Don’t you want them?”

“I know how much you love them,” he replies with a smile.

“Thank you.”

“No problem.” He squeezes my shoulder and begins to walk away.

“I love you, Matt,” I tell his back. Completely out of the blue. I cover my mouth. Wait for this eternity of a silence to end.

Slowly he turns around and leans down to quickly kiss my cheek in front of all the campers, who all start going “Wooo!”

“I love you too.”

We smile at each other. He throws his backpack over a shoulder, puts his tray away, and heads toward the pool. I’m still beaming when I look up to find Megan staring my way, shaking her head. Whatever.

On Wednesday, Parker and I are sitting on the dock taking a break, dangling our feet in the lake. She’s wearing a white bikini and I’m wearing a new navy blue one I just bought.

“I don’t want camp to end,” I tell her.

“You’re not looking forward to college?”

“I am…but I’ll miss you and Matt and Will.”

“Even if we’re at different colleges, Will and I will be in Nashville with you, and Matt’s less than thirty minutes away, right?”

I nudge a bit of algae with my toe. “Yeah…”

“I can’t wait for camp to be over. Will and I want to take a road trip to Florida the week before college.”

“With his parents? Or your mom or dad?”

She steals a breath before answering. “Just us.”

“Oh.” I jiggle my feet, splashing. “Sounds fun. I kinda wish I could’ve gone with Matt to Cabo during the Fourth of July break. He told me about this art gallery he found there and now I really want to see it.”

Parker narrows her eyes at me, her mouth arranged in a knowing smile. “You’ve changed a lot this summer.”

I sit on my hands. “Is that a bad thing?”

“Not at all. I feel like you’re getting to know yourself better, and that’s a good thing.”

“Oh.”

She swings her feet back and forth. “I spent too long worrying about what other people think.”

I dangle my feet in the water and splash.

“So you and Matt are back together?” she asks.

“I think so…but…”

“But?”

“Can I ask a question?”

“Yeah,” she says slowly.

“I know you said that your relationship with God is private, but I’m wondering, um, if you’re okay with the physical parts of your relationship with Will? Um, that you talked about that day at lunch at the mall?”

She stares across the lake. “It’s kind of between me and Will. Like, any decisions we make, we make together.”

The conversation with Daddy comes to mind. I can believe in God if I want to believe in God. Parker can do what she wants to do with Will. It’s her decision. Just like I have choices to make when it comes to my boyfriend.

“The reason I broke things off with Matt before is because we went too far too fast.”

Parker nods.

“I can’t figure out how to balance how much I love him with what we do, um, in terms of making out or whatever. And I don’t want to upset him by not doing stuff, um—”

“He’s not worth it if that’s all he’s after—”

“No, no—it’s that I want to do stuff with him because I love him. But I’m not ready.”

Parker pauses. “I slept with Will last week.”

I bite my thumb. “You were careful, uh, I hope? Um—”

“Yeah, we were.”

“What was it like?”

“It was uncomfortable. But I felt so close to him.” She folds her arms across her stomach. “I liked it more the second time.”

“Did he like it?” I can’t help but ask. “Was it his first time?”

She raises her eyebrows, then nods. “He can’t wait for this weekend so we can try it again. Boys.” She shakes her head, smiling, and bites her bottom lip.

“Boys,” I agree.

“I’m glad you and I are friends,” Parker says quietly. “Sometimes I wonder if I got the sign this summer. I really needed a friend.” She tucks her chin against her chest.

I splash the water with my feet. Maybe this is where heaven meets the earth. Or maybe because we think we might get a sign, we’re more flexible to change and new experiences.

Maybe it’s all about a willingness to be open.

“Want to swim?” I ask, and she launches herself into the lake, where we spend the rest of our break splashing, telling stories, and laughing.

That night, I’m walking back from the bathhouse when I hear a guitar crooning in the night. I make my way down the trail past Pinecone to the cookout area, where I find Matt sitting on a picnic table, plucking the strings. He has a lazy smile on his face as he’s playing “Rhythm of Love” by the Plain White T’s. I sit next to him and play with his hair until he finishes the song and sets his guitar aside.

“Want to take a walk?” he asks, slipping his hand into mine. In silence, we go up to the big field and stand under the stars. It’s like we’re the only people left on earth.

I wrap my arms around his neck, and the kissing starts slowly. Then he’s gently pushing me down to the grass. His mouth is on mine and I fit my body against his.

“I love you so much,” he whispers, breathing deeply. I tell him I love him back, and he bends to my stomach. He kisses a trail from my belly button down and even though our clothes are still on, I whisper, “Matt, I can’t.”

He nods and moves up to lie next to me. I clear my throat. An awkward silence hangs on the air. I love him and want to show him and I can’t stop thinking of touching his soft boxer shorts.

My fingers move without permission. I unbutton his shorts and unzip them. He cups my face and runs a hand through my hair.

Then I hear laughter behind me. Matt quickly zips his shorts. We sit up and smooth our clothes.

“Well
that’s
appropriate,” Andrea says sarcastically, walking by with Carlie. They must’ve been out at the lake, smoking.

“Now I’m pissed at her,” Matt says to me with a laugh.

“Just now?”

He gives me a look and pulls me to his chest. “Ian told me that Brad and Andrea hooked up behind the cafeteria last night.”

I shove his shoulder, laughing. “Lies.”

“It’s true! They were in Ian’s spot and he got pissed.”

Still laughing, we lie back down in the grass. “You never slept with Sarah, right?”

He curls up beside me and drapes an arm across my stomach, slipping a hand under the hem of my shirt. “No. Why?”

I clear my throat.

He must think I’m asking to have sex because he says, “You don’t want to do it out here in the grass…we should wait until we have a bed. And no parental units around asking me to mow the lawn.”

Honestly, I can’t think of a better place than the big field under endless stars, but it’s not the time. “I, um, Matt?”

“Yeah?”

“I might need a long time. To get ready, I mean.”

He’s silent for a while. He twines his fingers with mine and lifts my hand to his mouth, running his lips along my skin. “How long?” he asks finally.

It could be years. It should be when I get married. What if Matt isn’t the one?

“I don’t know.”

“We can talk about it,” he replies, and I’m glad he wants to discuss it, because it seems like the mature relationship-y thing to do, but I’m terrified.

Adult relationships are confusing and scary.

“Bedtime,” he says. He disentangles himself from my arms and helps me to my feet. He keeps an eye on my knee, making sure I don’t bend it some weird way. It would suck if Matt isn’t the one, because I can’t imagine anything better than him.

But will he wait for me?