Things I Can't Forget (19 page)

friday, july 27 ~ week 7 of 7

On the last day of camp, we’re waving good-bye to the final group of campers. Cars drive down the dirt road leading out of camp, kicking up dust. The sight makes my eyes water.

Then everyone starts cheering and hugging.

Megan blows her whistle. I wince. I want to make it my business to snatch that whistle and throw it in the lake.

“Today’s clean-up day,” she announces. “Everyone should spend the day cleaning out your closets and packing up your supplies for storage back at regional conference headquarters.”

Ian whispers in my ear. “It takes like ten minutes and then we get to spend the rest of the day hanging out at the pool and grilling steaks.”

“Medium rare, please,” I whisper back.

“You got it.” He pats my shoulder, grinning.

We all go home tomorrow. I look around at these people who have become my friends (and enemies!) and feel a pang of sadness that I won’t wake up to see Matt and Parker every day.

Sure enough, Ian was right. After we’re done packing, we spend the afternoon lounging by the pool. Even Megan and Eric relax, reading. She thumbs through a magazine about motivational leadership or something and his book is called
Build Your Own Swamp
. Will goes to the supermarket and brings back soda and chips and cookies and Ian’s steaks.

I lie on a towel next to Matt and hold his hand. We smile at each other, sharing my iPod—each of us using a headphone. At one point I gaze over Matt’s shoulder to find Andrea and Brad chatting and laughing together. He tucks her hair behind her ear. What…?

After tanning our brains out—well, Matt tans, and I just get more and more freckles—we stand up and shake the dirt off our towels. Brad waves at me, looking sad.

“Want me to beat him up?” Matt whispers, pressing his forehead to mine. When I told Matt what happened, I nearly yanked his arm out of its socket, trying to keep him from confronting Brad.

“It’s okay.” I kiss Matt’s nose, then walk over to Brad and touch his forearm. Life’s too short not to forgive.

“Want to make steak with us?” I ask.

A smile sweeps across his face. “Yeah. Listen, I’m so sorry—”

I interrupt, “You have to keep in touch when you leave. Let me know how you are.”

He gives me a hug, propping his chin on top of my head. “I will. I will.”

That evening while Ian grills steaks and bakes potatoes over a fire, we have a Bonzo Ball tournament. I get knocked out in the first round. Will and Matt make it to the finals, and we’re all screaming and cheering for them. Matt accidentally sneezes and loses concentration, allowing Will to win the tournament as the sun sets.

Before dinner, Ian asks, “Who wants to have one last Critter Crawl?” and Parker shoves him. Right as we sit down to eat, Eric emerges from the trees, carrying three trout he wants to grill.

“I love me some surf n’ turf!” Ian says, and Eric beams.

“I made some spices using plants I found in the woods,” Eric replies.

“I hope it’s weed,” I hear Carlie muttering to Ian, and he laughs and kisses her cheek.

When Megan and Eric leave to make sure the camp’s gate is locked (Ian asks, “Is that what they’re calling it these days?”), the guys decide to play basketball. Andrea and Parker want to watch them, leaving me and Carlie alone.

She looks over and asks, “Can you weave some of your friendship bracelet string into my hair? Like into little braids or something?”

We walk over to the art pavilion, where I dig string out of a packed box and perch on top of a picnic table, motioning for Carlie to sit on the bench between my legs.

“How about pink, black, and blue?” I ask, sorting through the string.

“That’s fine.”

I braid the colors through her blond hair until the silence is about to kill me. She and I have nothing in common, but she and Ian have been good to me, and I’ll never forget how understanding she was during my temporary split with Matt, even though she’s better friends with Andrea.

“Listen,” I say. “Do you and Ian want to hang out with me and Matt sometime?”

“Like a double date?”

“Yep.”

She lets out a little sigh. “I guess that’s what you do when you’re in a relationship, huh? You go on double dates. You don’t get plastered and end up in some random guy’s dorm room.”

“Nope,” I say, laughing. “You go to Chili’s. And maybe the Fun Tunnel.”

I finish her hair, then we go corral our boyfriends before they end up playing ball all night.

On my first night here, the sky faded to a brilliant purple and orange. Tonight, it’s the same colors. Then, I sat in my car and prayed for the sign. God gave me Matt and Parker this summer, but my life still isn’t perfect. Emily’s not here.

I close my eyes and breathe in the sweet summer air laced with honeysuckle. When the stars are shining vividly, I catch Brad and Andrea sneaking off together, and Matt takes my hand and leads me out to the big field, where six mattresses are set up on top of the giant parachute. My body goes tense.

“Is this for us?”

“Parker, Will, Ian, and Carlie are coming too.”

“You didn’t ask me about this.”

His nose crinkles. “It’ll be fun. We’re all friends, just hanging out.”

I whisper, “Can you and I have separate mattresses?”

He furrows his eyebrows, but then he bobs his head up and down. We push our mattresses close together and lie on top of our sleeping bags, staring at each other.

When Will and Parker arrive, they barely throw us a glance because they are too busy making out. Already.

Then Ian and Carlie appear off the trail. She’s riding on his back.

“Hands where I can see ’em!” Ian calls to Matt, cracking up. He and Carlie collapse onto a mattress on the other side of the parachute and start roughhousing, beating the crap out of each other.

“This is totally romantic,” I say, deadpan. Matt turns his face toward mine, laughing.

“Don’t worry. We can share a bed alone anytime we want now. I have my own room at school this semester. Because I’m a junior.”

I circle his wrists with my hands. “I’m, uh, not so sure I’m ready for that.”

“To share a bed?” His eyebrow pops up.

“I told you it would be a while.”

“But we can’t share a bed?” He pulls me closer. “I love lying next to you.” He gently kisses my jaw. “We’ve already spent the night together.”

“I love lying in bed with you too…but it’s not right for me…yet.”

His body stiffens. He pulls away. “Am I not any good?”

“What?” I ask, furrowing my eyebrows.

“In bed,” he whispers. “Am I not any good…?” His voice cracks.

“It’s not that, Ma—”

“What is it then?”

“I just can’t hook up.”

His hands tighten around my waist; he studies my eyes. “Is this because of Emily? You think you might get pregnant or something? I would never let that happen.”

“It’s not about that! It’s about me not wanting to do this yet.”

His eyes go glossy. “Will you ever want to?”

“I’m not sure…”

“I’m not saying I want to sleep with you tonight, but it is something I want to talk about.”

I clasp his wrists. “I need time—”

He drops his chin. “That’s what Sarah said. And then she left.”

“I’m not her—”

“Why won’t you spend the night with me? We don’t have to have sex. I just want to be with you.”

“I want to be with you too.” I rub my cheek.

His expression suddenly changes. “I don’t want camp to end,” he says. “What if things aren’t the same with us?”

I grab his hip. “They will be—I love you.”

“I love you too.”

We listen to Carlie and Ian screeching and laughing. Then they slip away into the night, probably to fool around behind the cafeteria. Parker and Will are kissing like the world will end in five minutes.

I turn over and fluff my pillow, trying to ignore the disappointment I feel flowing from Matt. It would be so easy to give him all of me, and I know we’d both be thrilled and happy.

Free will comes with sacrifice. And sometimes with heartache.

Jesus sacrificed his entire life for us, but you don’t see Him complaining.

•••

The next morning, I go to the Woodsong Chapel one last time. At the beginning of the summer, I wondered if I could still love this place without Emily. I can’t love it like I did when she was around, but I love it in a different way. A new way. I sit there on a log bench, thinking of Matt and enjoying the trees and the sounds of animals and rushing water, before walking back to Great Oak.

I’m signing for my final paycheck when Megan stares me down, as if wanting to ask a question. “Take a seat,” she says, gesturing at the chair across from her.

I suck on my bottom lip, waiting for her to speak.

“Are you going to reapply for a job here next summer?” she asks.

I hadn’t really thought about it. I mean, I’m still trying to decide on a major. “Maybe,” I say. “I’m not sure yet.”

She swings her whistle around a finger. “Maybe you should consider not reapplying. I’m not sure you’re right for this kind of work.”

My mouth drops open. “Really? Why?”

She pulls a piece of paper from her clipboard and examines it. “You had problems starting fires and occasionally did things I asked you not to. You didn’t have the best discretion in front of the campers. I heard rumors you sleep with Matt in the big field.” She taps her whistle on her desk.

I duck my head. Yeah, some of that’s true. But what about all the good I did?

“I worked hard this summer. I can start fires and I’m great at trailblazing and I know about nature and I can pick up crawdaddies now. The campers loved my arts and crafts lessons. I’ve gotten really good at this job.”

“You came to camp on a Sunday morning, when you shouldn’t have been here. What if you’d had an accident? The regional conference doesn’t have insurance for employees on weekends. You could have ruined my career!” Megan goes all red.

“I apologized for that,” I say, wanting to tell her I never broke that rule.

I became a great counselor this summer. Megan can believe whatever she wants. For whatever reason she wants. Parker was right when she said Megan is an OCD perfectionist, and if this is the way she wants to run camp? Fine. There’s more than one way to do things and still end up with a great result. It’s not one way or the highway.

“I’ll apply for the job if I want to apply for the job.” I swallow hard, feeling seven weeks of fury leaking out of me. “I’ll tell the regional conference that I did a great job this summer. I learned a lot. I hope they’ll give me a fair shot.”

She twirls her whistle, as if she’s bored. “I am recommending that you not be rehired. Good luck.”

For a brief moment, I worry that my church will find out. But then I shake those thoughts out of my head. I don’t care.

I fold my paycheck and slip it into my back pocket. “Bye.”

I turn and march out of the cabin and up the path toward my car.

I don’t care what she believes. I know what I know. I lied to save Brad, and I’d do it again to keep him away from a drunk parent. If it costs me a job, so be it. Breaking the rules was worth it to help Brad start his new life.

It’s like with art. You can’t tell someone how to do it, or it’s not her art. You can’t tell someone else how to believe.

It’s up to God to judge, and for me to help the people I love the best I can.

•••

At home, I pull on my sneakers and knee brace and fly out my front door, sprinting as fast as I can. It hurts, it hurts, it hurts, but the hurt makes the pain stop. I run around the block fourteen times, then go back home and collapse on my bed.

The moment I hit my pillow, tears burn my eyes.

Once you get hurt the first time, the pain never, ever goes away. Maybe it dulls, but it’s always there.

The pain from some things in my life—kids at school calling me a Jesus Freak, Megan being mean, hurting my knee—will never go away. Helping Emily get an abortion will never leave me. But I can work to run with life again.

My cell rings. It’s Parker calling to ask if Matt and I want to go out with her and Will tonight. I start tearing up the second she says Matt’s name.

I’m glad I told him how I feel, and I guess even if things don’t work out with us, I stayed true to myself, and that makes me smile a little.

“What’s wrong?” she says.

“Can you come over? Please?” I ask, wiping my nose on my sheet.

“Yeah, I’ll be right there.”

When she gets here, she plops on my bed and pushes the hair away from my face. She opens her bag. “I brought M&Ms.”

She sits next to me against the headboard and I lean on her shoulder, telling her everything that happened with Matt.

“So you told him you won’t share a bed with him?” she asks, choosing a green M&M.

“I didn’t say that exactly—”

“But you’d already spent the night with him?”

“Yeah.”

Her forehead wrinkles. “Did you tell him exactly what the issue is?”

“I just said I can’t sleep over with him.”

She pours M&Ms into my palm. “And then he asked if he’s bad in bed?”

“Yeah.” I eat a red one and a blue one.

She leans her head against my shoulder. “You need to tell him you don’t want to go that far yet and if he’s not okay with that, then you can’t date. But you need to explain what the issue is.”

“What do you mean?”

“You were willing to let him sleep over and fool around before but you’re not now?”

“We got carried away,” I say quietly. “I’m afraid if I sleep over with him, it’ll happen again.”

“He’s probably confused and hurt. You need to tell him what you’re thinking.”

“I sort of tried—”

“If he’s not okay with that, he’s not worth it. He has to respect what you want.”

I wipe my nose again. “What if I want both? What if I want to sleep with him? I know I can’t but I can’t stop thinking of him.”

“Both options are yours.”

“Did Will ask to have sex a lot before you started?”

She narrows her eyes and nods, laughing. “Oh, yeah. Will wanted to have sex before we even officially started dating.”