Authors: James Dawson
This Book is Gay (19 page)
Lastly, I think you'll always have to take turns (unless you're 69ing). I haven't found an effective way to not take turns yet. Just make sure you don't do it in a âRight, I suppose I have to do you, now' kind of way.
Actually really lastly: on reflection, I don't think girl-on-girl sex is any different to any other type of sex. If you just listen to what your body wants, what turns you on, and are never ashamed to ask for it, and if you experiment wherever possible, explore every corner of your desire, even if you only do it once, then you'll learn what you love and what you don't want and, voilà , you'll be enjoying sexy sex in no time!
Oh, OK, actual last thoughts:
- Why do they always put âveins' on dildos? It's gross.
- Note to manufacturers: vibrators do not need to be shaped like penises)
- Something in your arse, withdrawn shortly before a clitoral orgasm can feel AMAZING for some people.
- Lube is great. Don't worry about the sheets; you can wash them. Never run out of lube. Especially if you're doing anything with your arse.
Who ever said that lesbians can't have sex? We beg to differ.
Like gay men, some women prefer to role-play the more dominant or âtop' role, while others prefer to be a âbottom' â a less active role.
HOWEVER, I think it's worth noting that the idea of roles is far from unique to men and women of a gay or bi persuasion. Many straight couples will experiment with power play as well, with one partner being more submissive to the other. Gay people did not invent this concept. Just look at that whole Fifty Shades malarkey.
For some gay people, the idea of âtop or bottom' or âactive or passive' is an important part of being sexually fulfilled.
âIf it's for a quick shag on Grindr, etc., then yes [roles matter]. I don't use those sort of apps to have a chat or make friends. Its always better to be having sex with someone compatible with you in that regard, though. Wanking is something I do on my own, so not really up for just doing that with a partner.'
Jonny, London E2.
âThey [roles] did matter for a while. I spent a few years experimenting with sub/dom. I had a partner who was strictly dom and would play games both in the bedroom and in public. Like, we would be in a restaurant and I would only be allowed to eat my lunch with my left hand, for example, unless she told me otherwise. Or a few times we went to Klub Fuk and she'd flog me in front of everyone or whatever. That's all fun for a while, but I'm a bit older now and it's started to feel a bit silly or boring recently.'
Fi, 29, Madrid.
â[Roles] shouldn't matter, however people are wired different ways. Some people regard certain sexual acts as either preferences or necessities. If someone can only be aroused by being dominated, then it's good that they're open about that in order to find someone who will fulfil that need.'
Stuart, 33, UK.
The sex lives of trans people can be a little more complicated than most, but they need not be.
There is one important thing to remember â people don't fall in love with genitalia.
As most transsexuals living in their preferred gender are upfront about this, either when meeting people or online, their partners enter into relationships knowing full well what rudie bits their new paramour possesses; therefore, it's not an issue. Some people actively seek trans partners â both pre- and post-op.
Some trans people can opt for genital surgery, while others prefer not to, so this will obviously affect a person's sex life.
The same smorgasbord of sexual activities is available to trans people as to gay or straight people. Any hole's a goal (just kidding!) and everywhere feels nice.
Sex between women is very different than heterosexual sex. There's no pre-arranged goal of ejaculation and orgasm. So I think dating women, as a woman, is in that sense easier â the sex is a little more casual. Where does the line between kissing or even talking and sex begin? We in the kink community are aware that there are a multitude of ways people can “have sex” and achieve gratification without touching, and without orgasm. So this is all very fuzzy.
However, I think that applies to the *lesbian* experience more than to the transgender woman experience. Your mileage may vary.
There's also the fetishization of (particularly) transwomen. If you look at the personals on Craigslist, you will see various sections, w4m, m4w, w4w, and so on. But there's also t4m and m4t. The problem with this is that there are men out there who I assume are curious about sex-with-men and so seek out women (which feels safe and normal to them) who have penises (which indulges their curiosity about sex with men). But I am not a man. And my sexual “response profile” is very different than a man. That tissue that men are familiar with, it doesn't work the same on a transwoman. My emotional response is different. So these personals and dating sites particularly for “trans” people (to include crossdressers and drag queens, the post-op, pre-op, and non-op trans people, etc etc), are almost entirely about fetishization. Which I don't want. I want to be treated as a woman.
Jane, Washington, USA.
But, seriously, whoever you are, whatever gender you identify with and however many labels you wear, there are two rules to good sex:
1. Do what feels nice.
2. Communicate with your partner. (How else are you going to find out what feels nice for him or her, and how would they know what feels nice for you?)
Well, first of all, I don't like the word âslutty', so let's rephrase that to it's proper word, âPROMISCUOUS', which basically means âhas sex with multiple partners'. Second of all, anyone who suggests that all gay men are promiscuous is a raging homophobe.
HOWEVER, the fact of the matter is that many stereotypes have a seed of truth lurking under all the horse crap. In this instance, both my own research and that of other writers suggests that gay men do seem inclined to promiscuity. In my survey, ONLY gay men reported having more than twenty partners in their lifetime, with several reporting they had had sex with more than a hundred.
This is not meant to be shocking. It is simply a fact. Remember, as young gay people, we were raised on HETERONORMATIVE VALUES, which means the values of the straight people who are in the majority.
Until very, very recently, same-sex couples couldn't even get married, so OF COURSE LGB* people haven't always played by the same rules as our heterosexual brothers and sisters. The gay scene has its own norms, and one of those norms, it seems, is promiscuity.
Some theories about gay male promiscuity:
1. BOYS WILL BE BOYS:
We (and that's all of us, women too) get the RAGING HORN because of TESTOSTERONE â a hormone. Men make more of it than women. Fact. From an evolutionary perspective, a male could make about fifty babies in the time it takes a female to have one. It is thought that monogamy (having one sexual partner) stems from our prehistoric need to have a male hunter-gatherer handy to help provide for a female's offspring. Basically, the only reason straight men aren't having as much sex as gay ones is because their girlfriends would have them out on the street in a heartbeat.
This theory is somewhat supported by research that suggests men are more likely to cheat than women.
Well, imagine women are removed from the equation â like-minded gay men can have all the sex they like, without the risk of falling pregnant.
This does not excuse bad behaviour. As higher mammals, we have evolved beyond simply reacting to the chemicals in our bodies and we are not ruled by them. No man, gay or straight, HAS to be promiscuous or a shady cheater.
2. NORMALISED BEHAVIOURS:
Promiscuity is perhaps most associated with the larger âgay scenes' â cities and towns where a lot of gay men tend to live. Within gay subcultures, men are supportive and non-judgemental of promiscuity; therefore, it becomes a social norm. Again, this does not excuse bad behaviour such as cheating on a partner or having lots and lots of unsafe sex.
3. MISOGYNY:
Years of sexist dung has embedded the idea that promiscuous men are legends and promiscuous women should be dragged through the village square tied to the back of cart dressed as Moll Flanders (look it up). Men, gay or straight, are not subjected to the same âshaming' as women, although I would argue that this is changing â everyone sees sleeping around as a little tacky, even gay men who are doing so, paradoxically.
I also wonder why, if straight men look like dogs if they treat women badly, gay men are seen (wrongly) as âtough' and can treat each other as badly as they like. Women tend to frown on promiscuous straight men, but are often non-judgemental of promiscuous gay ones.
American therapist Alan Downs talks a lot about promiscuity in his book
The Velvet Rage
, which you could read if you're interested in this sort of thing. He writes only about gay men but believes (some) gay men behave the way they do because of an internalised homophobia that he calls âshame'.
Feeling we're weird and wrong (which goes back to the âdifferent' and ânot normal' labels) has, he says, led us to believe we are unlovable, so we act that out in various ways, one of which is casual sex with multiple partners. He believes we are seeking external validation through physical acceptance by sexual partners. Doctors and nurses in sexual health clinics would probably agree that SOME gay men's attitudes towards sex are unhealthy. For whatever reason, gay men are more predisposed to addiction problems, including âsex addiction', but that is not ALL gay men.
I am less sure than Alan Downs. There is nothing wrong with having multiple sexual partners. GASP â BURN THE HERETIC! I know, right? If all partners are
honest, open and safe
about their lifestyle choices, it makes no difference how many sexual partners you have â but don't go picking on someone else's patch, mind! No one likes a boyfriend- or girlfriend-pinching magpie!
It's about CHOICES, and I believe everyone should be able to live the way they want to live as long as they
don't hurt anyone else
OR THEMSELVES in the process. You can choose to be promiscuous or you can choose not to be. Regardless of how many partners your mates have, regardless of your raging horn, regardless of how many offers you get ⦠the CHOICE is always yours.
And now for the bad news.
The more sexual partners you have, the more likely you are to pick up an STI.
There are numerous ones out there, some worse than others; most are treatable and all are avoidable.
A little slice of good news: statistically, gay women are at a low risk of STIs as long as they make sure any toys are cleaned (and you can put condoms on them too).
Infections that can be transmitted by blood, however, can be passed, in theory, through bleeding gums or cuts on fingers.
No one is ever risk free
(something to think about before you cheat on a partner).
More bad news: statistically speaking, gay men are in a high-risk category. This is mainly down to promiscuity on the gay scene. Hey! Don't shoot the messenger! Again, the more partners you have, the more likely you are to get an STI.
Get ready to feel some hi-intensity psychosomatic itching! Let's take a look at some common STIs:
1. Genital herpes:
Nasty, painful and itchy sores on your penis, vagina, mouth or anus. Basically, a cold sore on the knob or fee-fee. Cannot be cured (you'll carry a dormant version of the virus for life) but can be treated. Once infected, victims may well experience further itchy/painful episodes.
2. Gonorrhoea:
Although this infection is not always symptomatic, the most pressing symptom is a burning sensation when you pee. Some sufferers may also get a delightful pus-like discharge from the penis or vagina. As the infection is bacterial, it can be treated with antibiotics, although doctors are becoming increasingly worried about this infection's resistance to treatment.
3. Genital warts:
Genital warts are caused by a virus called HPV, which is present in about thirty per cent of all sexually active people. It's highly contagious but, of the people who have it, only about three per cent will ever develop a wart on the penis, vagina or anus. Visible warts can be treated with wart-removal cream, cryotherapy (freezing them off), excision (cutting them off â ouch!) or electro- or laser therapy (to burn them off). As if those methods weren't pleasant enough, the virus remains forever and recurrence is possible.