This Book is Gay (18 page)

1.
Handies:
Perhaps the most important skill you will master as a gay or bi man is the timeless classic, the hand job. The good news is, you can practise on yourself. The bad news is, each guy has become very used to his own way of getting himself off. Learning how to find a partner's personal style can take ages, but it can be very rewarding when you do.

Something they don't teach you in school is that, in order to be able to cum at all, you or your partner may need to finish off with a handie. A lot of people find it hard to cum through other types of sex. This is fine, and certainly not something you have to apologise for.

A GOOD HANDIE is all about the wrist action. Rub the head of his cock back and forth with your hand. Try different speeds and pressures until he responds positively.

A BAD HANDIE is grasping a todger and shaking it like a ketchup bottle.

Finally, my misunderstanding about rubbing two peens together wasn't far off the mark – rubbing them together in one hand feels awesome – MEGACOMBOHANDIE (trademark pending).

TIP: If your partner is circumcised (‘cut') you will want to try a drop of lube – remember he hasn't got as much skin to move around as uncut guys.

2.
Blowies:
Oral sex is popping another dude's peen in your mouth or, indeed, popping yours in his. There is only one hard and fast rule when it comes to blowies – WATCH THE TEETH. Lips and tongue, yes; teeth, NO.

As with handies and breakfast eggs, all men like their blowies served in different ways. The term ‘blow job' is massively misleading, as you won't actually be blowing on his penis – it's more about sucking (although I stress you're not trying to suck his kidneys out through his urethra). It's more about sliding your mouth up and down the shaft of his cock.

Letting a guy cum in your mouth is a safe sex no-no. Get away from the volcano before it erupts. In fact, be aware that many sexually transmitted infections (STIs) are often spread through oral sex.

3.
Bumming:
It is a universal truth that many men like sticking their willies inside things. I suspect it must be biological. Well, in the absence of a vagina, gay and bi men make excellent use of the back door.

Wanna know a secret? Straight people have anal sex all the time too. Another one? Straight men like stuff up their bums just as much as gay ones. Why? As mentioned before, the prostate gland (located just up your bum) feels amazing when massaged. Lots of men, gay or straight, like how this feels. Anal sex ISN'T a ‘gay thing'.

Pre care:
As pleasant as bumming can be, we must hold in mind that the primary function of the back passage is to do poos. Poo is not sexy. Therefore, those of you planning to have anal sex will need to dedicate a portion of time to ensuring poo doesn't creep into sexyfuntime.

The best, healthiest method is to make sure you've been to the loo before attempting bum sex and have had a jolly good clean afterwards. Poo is not held in the rectum, so there shouldn't be an issue. Some people choose to douche. You can buy a douche online or from an adult shop. Basically, this involves squirting a little bit of water into your back passage to clean the area out. It's a DIY colonic irrigation!

It goes like this: squirt the lukewarm water up your bum, hold for a few moments before releasing into the toilet. Repeat this process two or three times or until the bum water runs clear. Note: Bum water is not drinking water.

A lot of people don't douche. For one thing it's not very spontaneous, and for another some sources suggest more harm than good can come from washing away the bum's mucus lining (which protects the bum lining from tearing thus preventing some STIs).

I recognise this doesn't sound VERY sexy, but this is the reality of bum sex, I'm afraid, and a little forethought will make your sex sexier.

Roles:
This is where dude–dude pairings can get tricky. At the end of the day, if you want to have anal sex, one of you is going to have to go ‘top' (the one who puts his willy in) and the other ‘bottom' (the one who gets the willy up his bum). Gay men seem to spend a lot of time talking about this. It's actually not a massive deal, as most guys are ‘versatile' and will happily switch roles depending on mood, although there are guys who prefer to be strictly top or bottom.

Is the top ‘the man' and the bottom ‘the woman'?

NO. The whole point of being gay is that it's two guys. Being a bottom makes a dude no less manly than his top partner. Look at it this way: he's literally ‘taking it like a man'.

How do you know if you're a top or bottom? It's easy – if the thought of having a big hard thing poked up your bum is arousing, you are probably a bottom. See? Easy.

Some guys are quite upfront about their preference, as this saves time further down the line and the potential awkwardness of winding up in bed with two confirmed tops desperately trying to convince each other why they might like to think otherwise. That said, most of the time, this can be figured out as you go along and, as mentioned above, there's no rule that says you have to have anal sex every time you have sex. Far from it.

Lube:
Unlike the vagina, the anus does NOT lubricate itself. You NEED lube if you're going to attempt anal. This is for two reasons. One, anal sex hurts. The anus does not have the capacity to stretch in the same way a vagina does. This means it's a tight hole (which feels nice for the top), but it also means it can be
very
uncomfortable for the bottom. This is why lots of men don't like being bottom. With the right
water-based
lube, however, it can be hugely enjoyable – a good kind of pain like a deep tissue massage.

Two, lube makes it less likely your condom will split. The anus is a pretty fragile membrane, which means it's easier to get STIs through anal sex than vaginal. You really do
need
to wear a condom for anal sex.

P.S. A bit of spit, Brokeback Mountain–style, is NOT a substitute for a proper water-based lubricant, which you can get free with condoms from gay bars, doctors and clinics or buy pretty much anywhere. Vaseline and baby oil are oil-based and actually decay condoms. Don't use these as lube.

Finally, it's worth noting that some gay and bi men don't like anal sex at all. It could be that it kinda hurts, or it could be the fact that it's the hole poo comes out of, but some guys (and girls) just don't go there, and that's fine. NOT having bum fun doesn't mean you can't identify as a gay man, OBVIOUSLY.

1. Fingers:
Far more effective than a penis in many ways, a hand can do the job of five penises in one. When gay women refer to having sex, this is usually what they mean. Lesbians can stimulate the clitoris and vagina and bring their partner to orgasm with their fingers, sometimes both partners can do this simultaneously.

2. Oral:
That clitoris really does like being licked and kissed. Again, girls can take it in turns to perform oral sex or, if feeling adventurous, they can perform it at the same time.

3. Toys and strap-ons:
Some women like these, some don't. Much has been written about why gay women would seek to play with a replacement penis, but I say who the heck cares – if it feels nice, go for it! Moreover, a man is more than a penis – just because a woman wants something a bit penis-shaped doesn't mean she fancies broad shouldered, beardy, no-boobed men.

Toys, dildos, vibrators and strap-ons all fulfil the same purpose – a prosthesis to insert into the vagina. As with gay men, one woman isn't the ‘man'. Two women having same-sex sex are both (yup) women!