This Book is Gay (21 page)

As this is a guide to ALL things gay, it would be wrong of me not to mention the things most brochures would gloss over. In big cities all around the world, there are places that cater to gay men's seeming obsession with sex.

Saunas, or ‘bath houses', are dotted all over the country, and they are perfectly legal. People (many saunas run lesbian nights) pay some money to enter and then have a bit of a sauna and some random sex.

Again, this is fine as long as you're
safe
.

That said, NEVER ONCE did I hear ANYONE say, ‘This is my husband, Derek. We met at Chariots in Vauxhall and it was TRUE LOVE.' Saunas are regarded as a little sleazy, and people often visit these places in secret. It is also true that sexual health clinics often have to treat people who have been to saunas and come away with a little more than healthy, glowing skin …

The advent of the sex app has also removed the need to pay an entry fee. In big cities, people often use the apps to invite a load of people round for a ‘party' or a ‘chillout'. These are code words for an orgy, simple as. Very often, there are drugs involved (which is silly because nothing makes a cock go floppy like many drugs – therefore, guys also have to bosh a load of Viagra. How EXHAUSTING). SOME sources suggest such parties are partly to blame for the sharp rise in HIV, syphilis and hepatitis on the gay scene. Geez, remember when ‘parties' were about jelly and ice cream and sausages on sticks? Sigh. Let's go back to that. CLEARLY, going round to some random's flat with a load of guys you don't know is a bit on the safety dubious side. And, dear God, wear a condom. Wear two.

Homosexual people love a lot of sex, but we also love a lot of love. Every day, all over the world, you'll find gay men and women deeply, TOTALLY in love, and they have something better than just sex. They have intimacy, warmth, passion and LOVE – the NEED to be with their partner. Also:

You can have all the sex in the world, but it (quite literally) isn't filling the same hole. I believe we all want to be loved.

This chapter was all about sex, not intimacy. You can't find intimacy in a dark room or on Grindr. More valuable than bum or muff fun is holding hands, kisses and hugs. I'm sure some of you are miming sticking two fingers down your throat, but IT'S TRUE. Lots of LGBT* people don't even have sex but can totally identify as gay, bi or straight because of who they seek intimacy with and who they LOVE. By all means, enjoy sex, but if you go looking for sex because you're hungry for love, you'll starve.

Q: What does a lesbian bring on a second date?

A: A moving van.

It's one of the oldest stereotypes in the gay book (literally in this case, which is quite meta if you think about it). Perhaps without men to make a mess of things, women are just far better at commitment. In any case, stereotypically, gay women are thought to jump to the cosy cohabitation phase at record speeds.

Of course, this, like any stereotype, has an iota of truth. All kidding aside, many LGBT* women
and
men do choose monogamous, committed relationships. This might be something you would like to happen now or further down the line but, however you identify, you have lots of choices about your future.

This decision actually opens a can of worms about norms, nature and nurture. Some questions to consider:

Why do we seek commitment?

How do you make love last?

Do gay couples emulate straight norms?

ARE WE BIOLOGICALLY PROGRAMMED TOWARDS MONOGAMY OR PROMISCUITY?

Even though very few mammals in the natural world form committed, monogamous pairings, humans do seem programmed towards it. Even the hardiest singletons seem to settle down in the end. There are a multitude of benefits to being in a relationship:

• Love
  – Sometimes the thought of being without someone is just too awful to stand. Being in love is like having a best friend supersized. Just make sure one person doesn't become your whole world – that's never, ever healthy.
  
• Companionship
  – Life is long and lonely if you do everything alone. Independence is vital, but so is company. Sooner or later, your friends may well settle down, and where will that leave you?
  
• Comfort
  – Yeah, going out on the pull is awesome, but so are cosy walks in the park and reading the papers in bed on a Sunday morning.
  
• Sex
  – Finding new sexual partners is a thrill, but having one partner who knows what they're doing tops that. Also, monogamy is much less risky health-wise, obviously.
  
• Security
  – Some people just feel happier and calmer knowing there's someone special in their life – someone who knows your Starbucks order without having to ask.
  
• Financial
  – If we're being cold about it, the system is set up to benefit couples of all orientations. Combining incomes always makes practical sense.
  

However, all these things combined don't mean anything if you're with the wrong person.

Always.

I'm afraid it's not all hugs and snuggles. Same-sex relationships are open to all the same pitfalls as straight ones – cheating, lying, jealousy, abuse, emotional blackmail, bickering, controlling behaviour. What has always surprised me is how people will tolerate these things purely because they are scared of being alone or can't be arsed with the hassle of gays bars and Grindr.

We've already talked about how you can meet people and where to go on dates, but how do you convert dating into something more long term? We're talking THE LOCKDOWN.

This is the point at which you change your Facebook status, tell your mum, delete Grindr, etc. We're talking about having a PROPER girlfriend or boyfriend.

The lockdown is a critical point in a new relationship – I call it the ‘poo-or-get-off-the-pot' moment. Basically, you have to decide if the person you're with is worth giving up the potential Gosling/Jolie waiting just around the corner. How do you know?

Well, this is why you date. People who try to rush you into lockdown need to CTFO. If you're taking yourself off the market, then, as with house buying, you need to carry out the full architectural survey before purchase.

Especially on the gay scene, surrounded by a constant stream of pecs, dicks, tits and mimsies, it's hard to settle for just one, but remember – if the person you're with is kind, funny, loyal, giving and loving, then these are things you won't find in a pair of big arms off Grindr or a cute ass at a bar.

Both positions have pros and cons:

Of course, some couples have decided to have their cake and indeed eat it. We're talking
open relationships
. A 2010 study of six hundred gay male couples found that about fifty per cent were in an open relationship, so it's not uncommon on the gay scene.

An open relationship is one with a cat flap allowing other people to drift in and out of the bedroom. Sometimes this might mean threesomes (or moresomes) with other people, or both partners being able to play away from home. All the intimacy with your partner, all the variety with extras.

Perfect, right? Cakealicious! Marie Antoinette would approve. (FYI, a lot of people think Ms Antoinette was #TeamBi.) You might question why everyone isn't doing this.

There is a very strong argument to suggest that monogamy is a societal or religious construct – remember how I said most mammals DON'T mate for life, and you can pretty much track the rise of monogamy around the globe with Christian missionaries (the same route, by the way, they took to tell people that same-sex activity was wrong).

It's thought that monogamy is the best way to provide a stable home for children, although this is a horribly outdated perspective in a country with a divorce rate like ours.

So why is ANYONE monogamous?

For one thing, it's the IDEAL. We didn't grow up hearing about the bit after the wedding where Prince Charming tells Cinderella he wants to be able to see other people. Certainly for gay couples with families, you can see why a degree of stability is best. Finally, as I've said before, I don't think it's ever entirely possible to keep emotions out of the boudoir …

At least part of the reason seems to relate to control. It's simply a bit ICKY to think of your beloved poking his or her bits in someone else's face. The mere thought is enough to put most couples off:

‘[My boyfriend and I ruled out sex with other people] because our relationship was too unstable and new. We were both getting jealous and suspicious over nothing. Neither of us like the idea of the other doing things [with other men], even though we both felt we should.'

N, 27, Sydney, Australia.

‘I've thought about [having an open relationship] a lot and like the idea in theory, but the fact is it wouldn't be totally safe, and I hate the idea of exposing my boyfriend to STIs. Of course I see other guys and fancy them, but you just have to accept that you made a choice to commit to one guy.'

Ben, 23, Manchester.

‘There's no way I'd have an open relationship. I've been with my partner for eight years, and we have ups and downs but I love her and don't want to have sex with anyone else.'

Jenny, 31, Dublin, Ireland.

For some, cheating is cheating and that is that. Jealousy and paranoia are enough to make a peen shrivel like a salted slug or a vag slam shut like a clam – NOT SEXY. For most, having sex with other people is a deal-breaker and you may have to respect that or find a more compatible partner.

However, all people – gay or otherwise – must recognise that there is one universal truth of the universe:

Allow me to explain. We don't ALL want to cheat on our partners or be promiscuous, but – and please correct me if I'm wrong (although I know you're lying) – when we see someone we fancy, we can't help but fancy them! Short of scooping out our eyes with melon ballers, there's little we can do about this.

So it becomes a question of impulse control. If we all accept it's perfectly natural to have urges, we are, I'm sure, sufficiently evolved not to have to act on them.

For some couples, though, the idea of having to suppress urges is crazy, and so they allow each other the freedom to act on their desires.

In most open relationships, there are certain RULES. These often include:

No repeat performances (only one-off hook-ups).

Although, with so many rules, one does have to question how much ‘freedom' couples really have.