THIS Is Me... (13 page)

  After a few tense moments after he entered my room, I struggled with believing
anything
Dr. MacDonald said.  But with Dr. Robinson’s help I eventually relaxed a little and slowly starting listening to him instead of fearing and disbelieving him.
  Learning Z didn't hurt me, or rather,
believing
Z didn't hurt me was a huge relief. I didn't want to believe that of Z.  He had always seemed so honest about our ‘relationship’, and so loving toward me each time we had spoken in the last few weeks, I really didn’t want to believe he was the monster Marcus told me he was.

  After we discussed Z, I was grateful to both my Doctors for helping me understand a little more of the struggle Marcus was having with the fact that I apparently left him. 

  I still don't remember any of the actual details of leaving Marcus, but I believe Dr. MacDonald and Dr. Robinson were telling me the truth, especially since both said there is a letter as proof,
and
that I could ask my grandfather, should I desire to- which I don’t.  So learning Marcus was struggling made the things he told me more believable as lies, for which again, I was very grateful.

  Dr. Robinson is a good Doctor who I really like.  She told me she has been working with Mack since I was transferred to Chicago, and she seems to think Mack is a wonderful doctor as well. 

  I like her and knowing she wasn't friends with that group before I was transferred here helped me believe her claims against Marcus and the explanations she offered me for his behavior. 
  And so I've calmed down and tried really hard to remember the four people who claim to be my ‘real’ friends.  The four people Marcus said weren't my friends but who were actually here to hurt me. 

  And now that I have seen them all individually since that day last week, and they have each told me the same stories of how we met and of how close we are as friends, I'm trying very hard to relax with them through all the endless confusion.
  It was hard when I saw Z again even WITH Dr. Robinson and     Dr. MacDonald in the room, but I felt safe enough to listen to Z explain our relationship again. 

  I felt instantly relieved to hear his story hadn't changed at all since he first told me about ‘us’.  I was relieved that he didn't seem angry with me or angry with Marcus even.  Z just sat beside me, without touching me, as he told me of our beautiful story once again.  And I did believe him, eventually.

  And so I'm back to visits from Dr. MacDonald-
Mack
, the Kaylas and even Z, often.  I'm trying to remember them and they seem to be very patient with me and my questions and with my lack of memories or acknowledgement of all the things they tell me are true. 

  They seem like really nice people, who I actually
want
to know.

                            CHAPTER 17

JUNE 4

  Time is so hard for me now.  When I'm alone the days and nights drag on and on, but when I have all the visitors and the doctors, all I want is my solitude. 
  Not that I haven't enjoyed
re
-meeting these people, but I'm just not used to them like I guess I should be.  Sometimes they act like I remember them, and tell me stories about something I said or did but I don't remember the story so it's a little awkward for me at times.
  Sometimes they talk to me in a way that's totally personal and inappropriate like I'm okay with it, but I'm not.  I don't remember them at all but they behave as I should.  Then again, maybe they're acting normal to me to help trigger my memories. Actually, that's probably exactly what they're doing.  That makes way more sense than thinking they’re just insensitive people who like to confuse me and make me blush.
  God, I wished I remembered them so I could find some comfort in their constant visits.  But as it is I usually feel confused and then kind of depressed again once they leave because they're all such great people and they seem to have a real bond between them. 
  When I asked about their friendship Mack once told me they are
my
foursome and once I'm better and remember them all, our group will be a close ‘Fiver' as he called it. In theory I'd like to be a part of a ‘Fiver’.  I'd like to have people I was close to, but in reality I'm nervous I won't fit in.  I’m scared I’ll be the
very
odd man out in their awesome group of five.
  So when Mack asked me yesterday if we could all have breakfast together before New York Kayla flies back home later, I was taken by surprise and agreed, but I've dreaded it ever since.  I'm not too sure how I feel about them all here at once.  And I'm not too sure how I feel about eating with them all around me, which I know is weird.  But I can’t help it.  Eating with people bothers me, though I don’t know why.

  But I said yes, so I have to suck it up
.
  God, I've spend most of my life sucking it up for my parents and Marcus- you'd think I'd be used to it by now.

                                              *****

  Waiting, it's almost 9:00 and Mack said they would all be here by then.  So naturally, I find I’m totally anxious, though again, I'm not sure why. 

  So far, everyone has been very nice to me.  There has never been a moment of mean, except for that confusing time with Mack and Z and that one time Kayla yelled at me.  Other than those few little incidents they've all been nice to me throughout these past few weeks, especially while I struggle to adjust to my new body, and try desperately to gain my memories back.

  While waiting, I asked the nurse earlier as she helped me bathe and change if I could wear other clothes, but she said I didn’t have any here of my own.  As consolation, she did bring me a beautiful robe to wear over my hospital gown, which does make me feel a little better. 

  I really hate lying in this bed all the time, and I
really
hate lying around all day in this hideous hospital garb.
  I still haven't seen my face or body yet, but I tried to fix my hair so I look somewhat nice for the friends when they arrive.  The nurse last night even brought me brand new mascara which I maybe shouldn't have, but she brought it to me anyway. 

  God, I was so grateful I almost cried.  But when she asked if I needed help applying it, I quickly declined her offer.  I'm not sure what I look like, but I certainly didn't want her to have to be so close to my face while applying mascara.

  Anyway, I have on the beautiful robe, and I managed to put on mascara without a mirror, and my hair is all brushed and down, and now I just have to wait for the friends.

  Looking at the magazine beside me to kill time, I'm struck by the gorgeous actor on the cover and I think of Z immediately. 
  Actually, I think of them all because each of those four friends are very attractive people, but in totally different ways.  If I could remember, I'd think I was probably really insecure around them. They are just
way
better looking than I am- or
was.
 
  God, it must have sucked for me standing with Mack and especially with Z when both men are super attractive, making me so plain beside them. 

  And I can just imagine how I felt if I was ever out with both Kaylas.  We were probably described as 'The Two Tall Hot Chicks...
and their friend
'.  Giggle. 
Seriously?

   When I hear the knock, Kayla is already poking her head in.

  “Hi Suzanne.  Are you ready for us?”  Nope, not now... HOTTIE!
  “Um, sure.  Good morning,” I say shaking.
  When both Kaylas pause and just stare at me, I'm more than a little uncomfortable.  What's wrong?  Ugh.  I hate this feeling of insecurity when it grips me tight.
  Looking at Kayla, I'm still amazed that we're friends outside of work.  She is just so awesome.  And honestly, I can't imagine what the hell she sees in me. 

  The other Kayla is pretty awesome too.  When she laughs she can melt me with her smile.  It's like her smile gets into my skin, and then she says something totally ridiculous, or very sarcastic and inappropriate and I don't know what to do with myself.  I must seem so freakin' boring to them both.

  “Z and Mack should be here any minute.  How are you feeling?  Are you okay?”
  “Yes, I'm good.  Thank you.”
  “Are you
sure,
Suzanne?  You seem a little off this morning.”  Off? 
How?
  I've barely spoken.  What the hell is New York Kayla talking about? 

  “Why did you ask me that?  How do I seem off?  I've barely spoken,” I laugh nervously.
  “Nothing.  Everything is good.  You're fine, Suzanne.”  What?!
  “I know I'm fine- but
you're
freaking me out a little.  What's wrong?”
  Waiting, work Kayla charges past the other Kayla with a smile.  “Nothing's wrong- you're good.  And you look very pretty this morning.  Did you dress yourself?”
  “Yes.  Why?”  What the HELL is going on?
  When I see the other Kayla smile at me while taking her cell out of her purse, I'm worried.  Kayla's smile isn't the good one- the melt me and make
me
smile-smile.  Winking at me as she turns back toward the door with a 'one minute, please' finger in the air doesn't help me either.  Something is definitely wrong.
  “Suzanne!  I asked how you slept last night.”
  “Oh.  Good.  Why?”  Ugh, I can
feel
something is wrong. 
  “Just wondering.  I hope you're hungry.  Mack and Z managed to get absolutely
everything
for breakfast.  When I heard the list I laughed but my thighs screamed.  I think I'm gonna gain 15 pounds this morning but it'll be totally worth it I’m sure.”
  “Really?  Why?”
  “’Cause it'll be so delicious.”  Oh duh.  Why the hell are we talking about food anyway?

  As Kayla begins moving around my room, clearing the bedside table and the hospital table, she keeps smiling at me- like
constantly
smiling, which of course freaks me right out.  I'm not sure what's going on, but work Kayla isn't relaxed like she usually is, and she's working way too hard trying to
look
relaxed while still being really busy around my room.  I wonder when the other Kayla will be back.
  “Suzanne, you're going to be okay, you know.”
  “I think so too.  Why are you acting so weird this morning?  Did I do something wrong?” 
  “I'm sorry if it seems that way.  I'm not trying to act weird, and I'm sorry if you feel that way.  And no, you've done nothing wrong at all.”
  “You ARE being weird and it's making me feel insecure and kind of nervous.”
  “Shit.  Sorry.  I'm good, I promise.  I'm just going to clear everything away for the food, okay?”
  “Sure...” 
  When my door opens seconds later, Mack and Z are standing together in the doorway.

  Jesus!  This is like every woman's fantasy or something.  Giggle.  Two super-hot men standing in your doorway, both looking at you so expectantly.  Both looking totally edible.  Huh.  I wonder if
they're
my breakfast.  Oh shit!  Giggle.

  “Hi Suzanne.  How are you this morning?”  Mack asks rather seriously.
  Smiling, and still giggling a little, “I'm good.  And you?”
  “Excellent.  I hope you're hungry?”
  “I am.  Are you and Z my meal?” 
WHAT?!
 
  “Um, no.”  Silence.  Dammit.  No one is moving.  Shit.
  “
I
can be your breakfast if you'd like,” Z replies with a wink.  Whew… that could've been totally awkward for a minute there.
  Bursting out laughing, I'm grateful he's so playful with me. “Well, come on up here then and let me taste you!”
  “Alright... take off that robe and let’s get to it,” he laughs. 
  Still laughing I hunch over my bed and suddenly touch my face.  Oh GOD!  I forgot.  Jolting, my laughter silences immediately.
  I forgot I'm gross!  Shit, why would I forget that? 
HOW
could I forget that?  Here I am talking, and kind of flirting with these two gorgeous men and I forgot I'm all disgusting.  I'm so pathetic and I'm so ugly.  And I forgot.
  In the silence that follows, I hear Mack speaking quietly to the friends in my room.

  Turning to me he says, “Suzanne, Z and the ladies are going to leave for a few minutes, okay?”

  “Why?  What's wrong?”  Covering my face with my head down, I stare into my lap.
  “Nothing at all.  I just want to talk to you for a few minutes.”
  “Why?  What's wrong?”  Gasping, my breath is getting all weird in my chest.
  “Suzanne, I want to spend a little time talking with you, that's all.  And there is absolutely nothing wrong.”
  “Why are we going to be alone?  What did I do wrong?!” I sound a little loud now.
  “Suzanne... I need you to breathe slowly for me, and just relax, okay?”
  “What's wrong?!  Just tell me!”
  Looking, I see Kayla touching Z's arm as they turn their backs to me.  What the
hell? 
In front of me?
  Seriously? 
So not gonna happen!
  “Hey
SLUT!
  Are you gonna fuck
him
too?!”  Ha!  She jumped.  The Whore! 
  “Suzanne... I need you to look at me for a minute.  Just look at
me
, Suzanne.  Now.”  Ignoring Mack, I seem to panic again.

  “
Z! 
Z, please don't go with her.  I dressed up for you.  I did my make-up and dressed up for you.  Look!  I'm dressed up!  Please look at me!  I'm pretty.  Oh! 
Well,
I'm not
actually
pretty anymore, but I tried.  Doesn't that mean
anything
to you?  I tried to be pretty.  I tried for you!”
  “Suzanne, stop!  I want you to look at me- not at Kayla and Z.  Just look at
me,
Suzanne!”
  “She doesn't love you Z,” I moan.  “She just wants to fuck you. She just wants you to be her 'hot new screw', you know?  That's all you'll be.  Ha!  I remember you now, Kayla.  You're Kayla the whore.  Kayla the man-eater.”