T.J. Klune - Bear, Otter, and the Kid 1 - Bear, Otter, and the Kid (14 page)

Ty squints at me. “But that was his choice, right?” he says, once again sounding more mature than I ever will. “I mean, if Otter didnt want to go away, then why would you tell him to?”

“I dont know, Ty.”
Yes, you do.
“Did you
want
him to go away?” he asks me, suddenly suspicious.

“No, Kid. I didnt. But I also didnt want him to stay here just because he… he felt he should.”

 

“Well,” the Kid says, sitting back on his elbows, “at least he came back. Talking to Otter on the phone isnt the same when you know hes far away.” “Sure, Kid.”

 

“So then why are you still mad at him?” he asks me casually, ignoring Anna completely.

“Ty,” I say sternly. “No more tonight. You have school tomorrow, and its time for you to get ready for bed.” He groans and gets up. He walks over to Anna and hugs her, and she whispers something in his ear, and he smiles. I push him along after assuring him I will be in the bedroom to say good night after he brushes his teeth. He walks out of the living room, humming a little song to himself.

I lean back against the couch, unsure of where to go from here. I wish that Ty had waited to have this fucking conversation until we were alone. Better yet, I wish that Ty had never wanted to
have
this fucking conversation. I curb the anger before it can well up because I know that regardless of how smart the Kid is, hes still a kid. This isnt really about him, anyway; its about me. Its about me, and how Id been caught in a lie. Its about the night that I had spent the last three years trying to forget. Its about how that little voice in my head knows exactly where to dig up what Ive been so hell-bent on burying. Its about how theres this girl, this beautiful girl whom I love with all my heart. Its about her because I know that Ive been caught in a net of my own making. I turn to look at her, and I can see her eyes are shiny with tears that have yet to fall. She angrily wipes her face and opens her mouth to speak when Ty calls from the bedroom to tell me hes ready. I curse softly, but dont I practically run out of the room? Dont I just
run
?

The Kids already in his bed when I enter the bedroom. I close the door gently behind us and move over to his bed, sitting down near his legs and leaning back on my hands.
“Is Anna mad at me?” he asks quietly.

I am quick to answer. “No, Kid. Shes not. And I dont want you to think otherwise, okay? She could never be mad at you for anything.” “Are you mad at me?”

 

I sigh and look over at him. “No, Ty. Im not mad at you, either. Its just been a long day.”

 

Hes silent for a moment and then says, “Im sorry I heard you and Otter fighting. I wasnt trying to listen or anything. You were just loud.”

I smile thinly. “Well, then, I should be the one apologizing. I never meant for you to hear that. I didnt mean… for a lot of things”
“Bear?” he says. “Can I tell you a secret?”
“Sure, Kid,” I say, leaning down to put my forehead against his. He smells like Colgate and shampoo, and I want to squeeze my eyes shut and just stay in this moment, but the Kid needs to tell me a secret, and he expects me to look at him when he speaks.
“I dont want Otter to go away again. Is that selfish?” he whispers.
“No, its not. It means you love him very much, and that will never be selfish. Can I tell you a secret?” He nods and looks up into my eyes.
“Whats yours, Bear?”
“I dont want Otter to go away again, either.”
He throws his arms around me and pulls me down to him. “I know. I know. And Ill keep your secret if you keep mine,” he whispers in my ear. I nod into his shoulder, fighting to keep my emotions in check. I stay wrapped in his little arms until he releases me a few moments later. “I love you, Papa Bear,” he says, kissing my cheek.
“I love you too, Kid.”
I get up and turn out the light, closing the door partway behind me, leaving it open just a crack, like I always do. I lean against the wall for just a moment, my breath hitching in my chest. I feel lightheaded and want nothing more than to turn back around and crawl into bed with him and go to sleep. But Annas still in the living room, waiting for me to come back out. I cant keep her waiting any longer.
Shes sitting where I left her. I can see the tears have dried from her eyes, but her resolve is still firm. Theres no way this is going to just be dropped like some small part of me hopes. As soon as I walk into the living room, she jerks her head to the side, motioning to the small balcony that is attached to our apartment. I follow her, knowing she doesnt want the Kid to hear what is said. But if she starts yelling, Ill start yelling, and its not going to matter because the whole goddamned neighborhood will hear us. I shove my hands in my pocket and follow her out, and she shuts the door behind me and picks a spot that is as far away from me as she could possibly be and still technically be considered in our apartment.
“Well?” she asks, her voice low and dangerous.

“Well, what?” I say, stalling. I meet her eyes nervously and shrug. “You lied to me, Bear.”
“Im sorry.” And I am. More sorry than shell ever know.
“Why did you?”
“Anna….”
“No!” she hisses, her eyes flashing. “What happened to you that night?

Why did Otter leave? What did you do to him?”
I laugh harshly. “What
I
did to
him
? Why does it have to be me doing
something to him, for Christs sake?”
“Fine, then!” she almost shouts. “What did you
both
do?”
“You were there when I told Ty,” I say angrily. “What more do you
want me to say?”
“I want you to tell the truth!” she moans, starting to cry.
I ignore the tears. “That
is
the truth! I didnt want him to stay here out of
some fucking loyalty to me! He would have gotten bitter and left regardless!

If he was going to leave—and I
know
he would have eventually—it was better for Ty that it happened then. And you want a further truth?” I snap at her. “You want to know
more
, Anna? I couldnt have lived with myself knowing that he martyred himself like that. I could never have him hate me! It was easier for me to hate him! So yes! Yes, I chased him away! Are you happy now? Are you fucking satisfied!”

“Why couldnt you just tell me this?” she cries.

“Cant you hear how pathetic I sound?” I storm at her. “Why the hell would I have ever admitted to what I had done to
you
when I couldnt even admit it to myself? It was better to blame him for leaving, rather than have him blame me for staying. I was damned either way!”

She wraps her arms around herself and shakes. “Bear, Otter would have stayed not because you wanted him to, but because
he
wanted too. Dont you see that? He would have done it because he loves you and Ty. And that would have been enough for him.”

“Thats why he had to leave,” I say as my voice breaks. “Otter should never have just
enough.
He should have….” But I cant finish. “He should have what, Bear?” she says sadly.
“Never mind,” I say. “Forget it.”
This makes her anger flare up again. “I
won’t
forget it, Bear, and damn

you for saying so! When will you fucking learn that this was never just about you! This affects all of us!”

 

I laugh bitterly. “You all say that, but you could never understand.”

“Only because youre too fucking proud,” she snarls. “You want to talk of martyrdom, go take a look in the mirror.”
“I know that, Anna!” I cry at her.
“Then why are you so quick to judge those people who would do it for you?” she hisses. “How can you push those people away so easily?”
“You think it was easy?” I glare at her. “You think I havent regretted it every waking moment?”
“How would I know?” she says nastily. “You lied to me from the beginning.”
“I didnt know what else to do, Anna! Everything was falling apart around me, and I was
making
it happen!”
“What were you so scared of? Why couldnt you let somebody just help you because they wanted to?”
“Havent you been listening to a goddamn thing Ive said?” I growl.
“So thats it?” she asks, furiously pawing at her eyes. “Thats the whole story?”
“Yes, for Gods sakes,” I mutter as I wring my hands.
“Youre lying.”
“Anna, please….” I reach out my hand, but she ignores it.
“Is he in love with you, Bear?”
“No!”
“Youre
lying
.”
I bring my hands up and press my fists against my ears, trying to shut her out, trying to shut myself in, and its more than I can bear. I know what shes going to ask next, and I know what Im going to say, and I know I have an opportunity to be honest, to say something that my heart has been dreading. I know all of this, and it does little to fortify me against the way I shake, the way the tremors rip through my being. I bang my fists against my ears, hoping for some clarity, some light to magically appear and shine down and say, “
Yes, yes, it’s okay to say yes.
” But nothing happens, and its still dark, and I am left quaking.
“Are you in love with him?”
Oh God, oh my God. Bear….
“No!” I shout.
“
You’re… lying
.”
The plates shift, the earth moves.
How did we get here?
I think, my mind all hot and panicky.
How the hell did we get to this point? How could I have ever let it get so far?
She glares at me, then hangs her head. “You know,” she says, chuckling bitterly to herself, “for the longest time I thought it was Otter that had done something to you, but now… now I dont know. I never thought it would come to this. I always thought that we would….”
My heart pounds in my ears. “Nothing happened,” I say hoarsely, hating how false I sound, even to myself. “Nothing happened.”
“Oh, Bear,” she says, raising her hand to her cover her mouth as she begins to sob quietly. “Oh,
Bear
,” she says again, and I can hear it in her voice, and this finally breaks down all the walls I have hastily constructed since we stepped onto the balcony. I rush to her and wrap my arms around her and hug her close and bury my face in her hair.
“Please,” I beg. “Please. God, please.”
She slides away from me, saying, “No, Bear, no,” and those words are like a dagger through my heart. I can feel her pulling away from me, feel her retreating, and fear smashes through me, glassy and sharp. I mutter please over and over and over again and try to grab her hands, her arms, her shoulders, anything to bring her back to me, but she tells me no, no, no, and I can see shes going to leave me, just like everyone else has ever done. It is happening
now
, and she is going to leave me
now
, and I will be alone forever because one day I know Ty is going to leave me, too, because everyone… always…
leaves
.
She chokes back further tears and pushes me away again, and I collapse against the wall and hug myself, trying to feel anything other than this pain. She steps back and wipes her eyes and brushes her hair out of her face.
“So, thats it?” I gasp out. “Youre going to leave me too? Just like that? Ive chased you away just like everyone else.”
She appears startled for a moment, and I see recognition on her face, and I sense a sliver of hope as she walks over to me and puts her hand on my arm. But her words cut through this.
“Bear, I will never leave you or Ty. I will never be like
her.
But… it is… its not going to be like it was anymore. You will always… have me as a part of your life. Just not like this. Never like this again.”

“Why?” I moan.

 

“Bear, you… you have to figure it out for yourself.” She leans against me, and I put my arms around her and cry into her hair.

 

“I dont know if I can do this without you,” I sob.

She rubs the small of my back. “You wont have to. Its going to be different, but I will never abandon you.” She grips me tight and whispers

fiercely into my ear, “
Ever
. Do you hear me, Derrick McKenna?
Ever
. I do love you. Youve broken my heart, but it was mine to give.”

 

Then shes gone.

I hear the door shut as she leaves the apartment, and her sobs renew as she runs down the stairs. I stagger inside and fall to my knees on the ground and lean forward and press my face into my hands and shake as an earthquake racks my body, my heart, my soul.

S
OMETIME
later—I dont know how long—theres a knock at my door. I rub my face and jump to my feet and rush to the door.

Its Otter.
“Hey,” I say, sniffling.

“Hey, yourself,” he says back, worry marring his face. “Anna called me.”

 

“She… Otter… I… I—”

I dont know what she has said to him or what Im trying to say, but I dont care because Otter suddenly fills the world, and hes all I can see, and

he enfolds me into him protectively, shielding me while I split and shatter and fall into myself. And even if hes not there to pick up the pieces later, I will always remember that he has at least given me this moment, this moment to break.

I
WAKE
, my face feeling stiff and cracked. Id been dreaming, but for once in a very long time I cant remember what it was about. I dont know what that means.

I squint my eyes open, and I see that Im on the couch in my living room, covered in a blanket. I start to wonder what Im doing here when the previous night comes washing back over me, and I groan. My mouth tastes horrible, and my head has a spike running through it. My clothes feel stiff against my body. I sit up and the motion is enough to make me gag. I still for a moment, waiting for the waves of dizziness to subside.

So just what are you going to do now?
the voice whispers jauntily.
Look at you. You’re pathetic.
“Leave me alone,” I spit through gritted teeth. “Just leave me the hell alone.”
Why? A conscience is never supposed to go away just because you want it to. That would just make things too easy. How could you ever learn anything that way? Oh, Bear, this is just going to be so much fun!
“Please,” I whisper.
Grow the fuck up
, it says coldly.
You’ve gotten this far with people shitting everywhere you walk. It’s time to grow up and stop feeling so sorry for yourself. Oh, I’m Bear. Listen to me. I’m so full of angst! Whatever shall I do? Life is so HARD!
It laughs.
Blah, blah, blah. At least he has the balls to say what he feels. At least Otter—
Otter.
I look wildly around the living room, but Im alone. I jump up and throw open the curtains that I dont remember shutting and see that it is way too bright outside for it to be early morning.
Shit.
I run to my bedroom, yelling for Ty to wake the hell up because we are
late.
I throw open the bedroom door, already planning in my head how we need to get him up now and brush his teeth (no time for a shower) and there should be something clean for him to wear in the closet….
But theres no one there.
I go to the kitchen and no one is there, either, and I start to become unnerved when I see a note on the kitchen table with a familiar scrawl: