T.J. Klune - Bear, Otter, and the Kid 1 - Bear, Otter, and the Kid (19 page)

As he drives to the airport, hes filled with nervous excitement. As hes on the plane, hes filled with quiet dread. As the plane lands, hes filled with large doses of panic. As he drives the rental car, hes absolutely terrified. As he pulls into the driveway and sees my car, hes about to pass out. As he opens the kitchen door and sees me alone, he thinks it looks like Ive been waiting for him. He cant help but grin. He doesnt hesitate. He drops his bag and rushes quickly to me and wraps his arms around me. He inhales and feels my body against his, and he feels my arms start to rise up around him, and hes already planning in his head to move back, and he doesnt understand how in Gods name he had left in the first place. He knows I am still dating Anna, and he knows hell never have me the way he wants, but at least he can be near me. He thinks its all going to be okay. Then I pull away from him, and its like a kick to the balls, and he doesnt know what to do.
He follows me into the living room and tries to think of things to say. By the time hes settled on something sort of witty, hes in the living room, and his parents are standing with happy surprise, wrapping their arms around him. Creed stands up and pounds his back happily. Ty jumps up, and Otter catches him in outstretched arms and spins him around. Otter looks at me, but Im not looking at him. My jaw is tense and my brow furrowed, and so many things run through his mind, and he cant focus clearly. Throughout the night, he asks me questions that I ignore or answer to someone else. Eventually he stops and just looks at me. No one else notices anything wrong. Otter thinks its his fault that Ive become so cold. Its his fault Ive changed.
Throughout the week, he feels like hes on a roller coaster and cant get off. He wakes in the mornings, sure this is going to be the day that he will get to see me. He goes to bed at night dejected. The morning comes, and it starts all over. He sees Anna when she comes over and is overjoyed to see Ty with her. He waits expectantly for me to follow, but I dont. He doesnt know then that he wont see me again for another year and a half.
Two days later, hes talking with Jonah on the phone. Jonah is happy Otter decided to go home for the holidays. Jonah tells him he cant wait to see him. Otter tells him it is cold and raining in Seafare. Jonah tells him how much hes missed him. Otter tells him of a movie that he wants to see when he gets back. Jonah says he got him a Christmas present that hes just going to love. Otter is about to tell him that he has to go, when he stops. He thinks again that he could love this man if he gave him the chance. He thinks that he could find some semblance of happiness if only he let himself. He tries to get back into the conversation, but hes tired, and his heart is just not in it. Jonah hears something in his voice and asks him about it.
“Its nothing. Im just tired,” Otter says. He has a headache now.
“Did you get to see your friend?” Jonah asks. “The one with the kid?”
“Uh. Yeah. Yes, I did. A few days ago,” Otter says, wishing Jonah would stop talking.
“How is he?”
“Fine. Hes fine.” And I am, and he knows this, and it hurts him. Not because he wanted to see me suffer but because he can claim no credit to my current situation. After all, hes the one thats run away.
“Otter?” Jonah asks. “Did you….” He hesitates. “Did you ever date him?”
Otter laughs harshly. “No. Hes straight. Why would you ask that?”
“I dont know. Anytime youve ever mentioned him, you get this weird tone in your voice, and I guess I just assumed.” Jonah sounds relieved, and Otter finds this strange. But he opens his mouth and suddenly finds himself about to tell him what really happened between us. He utters the first word but then stops. He blinks, confused. Why had he stopped? Why had he started? He thinks he wont tell Jonah now because he doesnt yet trust him completely. He thinks he wont say anything because it doesnt matter. But he knows the real reason in his heart. He doesnt tell Jonah because its a secret,
our
secret, and to Otter, this is almost sickly romantic.
The day comes when Otter has to go home. Hes exhausted because hes spent the entire previous night trying to compose a letter to me. There are different versions: some are pages and pages of ramblings and others are a sentence long. Nothing seems to come out right. Finally he comes up with something that he is satisfied with. Its not perfect, but he doesnt want to babble. It says:
I know you were hurt and have every reason to be angry, but just know that there hasn’t been a day that has gone by that I haven’t thought about you and Ty. Maybe that’s my punishment, knowing you are doing well and knowing I had nothing to do with it. For what it’s worth, I’m proud of you, for having done so great despite people breaking their promises to you.
It was good to see you, even if it was only for a moment. I am glad I got at least that. I’ve missed you, Papa Bear.
He thinks it says everything he wanted to say. He thinks it says everything he cant. He thinks it sounds like a love letter. He thinks he wrote too much. He thinks he didnt write enough. He thinks it sounds stupid. He thinks it will never get read.
He thinks it sounds like a good-bye.
Hes taking Ty home. Part of him wanted to leave a lot earlier so he could go upstairs and force me to talk to him. He doesnt, scared of what I would say, scared of what
he
would say. He tells himself that he would not do that, not in front of Ty. So he waits, leaving late enough that it will give him time to drop Ty off and get to the airport. He watches Ty run up the stairs, and he lifts up my windshield wiper, putting the letter on my car. He pauses for a moment, willing me to fling open the door and run down the stairs and jump into his arms saying, “Please, Otter, please dont leave me again. Please stay with me and promise to stay forever.” He shakes his head and gets back into the car and drives away. Its raining. He turns in the car to the rental desk. He gets on a plane. The plane takes off. The plane lands. He gets off the plane. Its sunny outside.
Eight days later, he and Jonah have their first fight. Theyve had a couple of petty squabbles in the past few months, but its always been resolved quickly. Otters in his bedroom, staring down at my picture, cursing himself for being so weak. Since he has come back from Oregon, that old familiar sadness has become ever more prevalent. Hes spent the last week alternating between hot and cold. He sighs again and doesnt hear the front door open. He doesnt hear Jonah until Jonah is in his room. Hes startled when Jonah says his name and feels his face redden as he hastily shoves the picture into his closet.
“What are you doing?” Jonah asks him. “Why are you sitting on the floor?”
Otter stands up and tries to smile, but it feels fake. “Nothing. I was just looking at… some stuff. What are you doing here?”
Jonah shrugs. “I got off early and wanted to see if you were hungry. I tried calling you, but you didnt pick up. The door was open when I got here. What picture was that?”
“Its nothing.”
“Are you sure?” Jonah asks, sounding concerned. “You look upset.”
“Lets go eat,” Otter says, avoiding Jonahs gaze. He shuts his closet door to Jonah and gives him a quick peck on the lips. “Give me a moment to wash up.” He walks past him and goes into the bathroom and shuts the door. He looks at himself in the mirror. His face is pale and his eyes are bloodshot. He tells himself hes got to get it together. He tells himself to grow up. He washes his face. He brushes his teeth. He fixes his hair. When hes done, he looks better, but he doesnt feel better.
He walks out of the bathroom and freezes when he sees Jonah standing in front of his closet. The door is open, and my picture is in his hands. A dark feeling rises up through Otter then, at the sight of the picture in someone elses hands. Its a feeling of jealousy, of possessiveness. He almost runs to Jonah and snatches the picture out of his surprised hands. Jonah recoils when he sees the look on Otters face.
“Dont touch this,” Otter snarls at him.
“Who is it?” Jonah demands. “Why did you act so guilty when I walked in?”
“Its none of your business who this is!” Otter shoots back. “And I wasnt acting guilty!”
Jonah crosses his arms and stands defiantly in front of Otter. “You acted like I was your mom whod just caught you jerking off!” he says angrily. “I come in and find my boyfriend staring at a picture of another guy and then trying to hide it!”
Otter is seething. “I wasnt trying to hide anything!”
Jonah shakes his head. “Ever since you came back from Oregon, youve been acting like someone died. What the hell happened to you up there? Does it have to do with him?” he asks, grabbing the picture from Otters hands.
Jonah never knows how close he comes to being laid out. Otters first instinct is to punch Jonah in the face, and he raises his arm up halfway and is about to cock it back when he stops.
I can’t do this
he thinks, horrified at his upraised arm.
I’m not that kind of person. What the fuck am I doing?
He drops his arm back down to his side. Hes still angry, but the fight is falling out of him. He feels a familiar wave of despair start to wash over him, and he wants Jonah to leave so he can go to sleep. Hes tired and hurting and not in the mood to deal with anyone.
But Jonahs not done. “Is this that kid?” he asks, and Otter winces. “It is, isnt it? Its that kid from your hometown!”
“So what if it is?” Otter says warily.
“Did you sleep with him when you went back?” Jonah asks, his voice hard.
“No,” Otter says, wishing Jonah would leave. “I told you, hes straight.”
Jonah drops the picture on the bed and starts pacing in front of it. “Ive heard that before,” Jonah says bitterly. “Fucking straight guys who want nothing to do with you after you suck them off. Is that what this asshole did to you?”
Otters moving before he realizes it. Hes standing in front of Jonah. His teeth are grit together, and its all he can do to keep from ripping his fucking head off. “Hes not like that,” Otter hisses. “Dont you ever speak badly about him again.”
“Or what?” Jonah shouts at him. “Are you going to kick my ass? What the hell did you do?”
“Nothing! We never did anything!” Otter bellows, his voice breaking. “We never did anything.”
Jonahs face softens considerably. “And that was the problem, wasnt it?” he says slowly.
The dam breaks then, and Otter spills forth. He tells Jonah about the first time he knew he had felt something toward me and how wrong it had made him feel. I was sixteen, and he was twenty-four, and I had stayed over with Creed one night when their parents were out of town. Creed got stupid drunk and passed out early on the couch in the living room. Otter and I stayed up the entire night, talking about anything and everything. He says there was a moment when I was trying to think of an answer to a question he no longer remembers. I had leaned forward and put my face on my hands and scrunched up my eyebrows in concentration. Otter says it wasnt until he was in bed later replaying the conversation in his head that it had hit him. No longer was I like a little brother in his eyes.
He tells Jonah of this and more. But he does not tell Jonah about the kiss, for it is still his and mine and no one elses. He thinks it will stay that way for as long as he lives. He knows that I will never be his, and he knows he may never even see me again, but at least he has this memory.
Jonah is silent for a long time after he finishes speaking. His face is a mask. Finally he asks if they should break up. Otter knows they should, because he cant promise anything to Jonah. But he allows himself to be selfish. He hugs Jonah violently and begs him not to leave. Jonah shudders against him and says he will stay, even though he knows its against his better judgment. Otter does not release him for a long time.
The next week, he puts the picture in a storage unit he had rented out when he first arrived. He kisses it once before he leaves.
Six months later, he moves in with Jonah.
Hes happy. Work is good. Jonah is great. Life is good. He has a great tan. He has good friends. He has great sex. He makes good money. He has a great boyfriend. His life is very full. He could not ask for anything more. He talks to Anna and Creed every now and then, and he doesnt ask about me and no one says anything to him. But thats okay. He is not thinking about me that much anymore. Im still in his thoughts, but its white noise in the back of his head. Hes okay with this. The equilibrium works. He tells himself hes making it work. He tells himself it has to work.
Everything is good and great for a while. And then it stops.
He finds himself dissatisfied with work. Hes always considered himself an artist. He knows he does great work, as hes been told this by many people. Hes very humble with his talent, but he knows he has the potential to become even better. He also knows that sometimes artists dont achieve the end goal that they set for themselves. Sometimes its too high, sometimes its just not possible. He begins to see this as he looks over projects he has going on in various stages of development. Theyre all shit. Theyll all have to be scrapped. He has to start everything all over again. When he tries this, he finds he doesnt have any ideas. He has no inspiration. Everything he touches is insipid, its mundane, its boring.
Jonah begins talking of rings and commitments and forevers. There are whispers that California will soon legalize gay marriage. Jonah never fully proposes, but the intent is there, and Otter finds himself crazily hoping that gay marriage will be banned. He wants to find whatever ballot its on and vote against it. He wants to find whatever judge is considering it and protest outside their office. He wants to rally all the conservatives to make sure that gays will never be able to get married. He considers joining the Tea Party. He concocts evil plots in his head. He begins to lose his interest in sex, but thats okay because Jonah is working a lot lately, and he doesnt seem to be that interested anyway.
This goes on for months. Otter thinks hes going insane.
Thats when the real crazy stuff starts to happen
Hes at work, poring over prints for a promotion hes helping to run through Jonahs firm. Nothing turned out like he wanted it to. He curses softly and rubs his eyes. He can feel a headache coming on. Hes about to pick up the phone and call Jonah when someone walks by the studio storefront. People travel on this sidewalk all day, so hes unsure why this person catches his eye. Unsure, that is, until he sees him full-on. One minute hes dialing the phone and the next hes dropped it onto the floor, where it breaks. He bolts for the front door, his heart pounding, his mind racing. Hes just seen me, you see, just seen me walk pass the door. Its not a coincidence, and he knows it. If Im there, in San Diego, walking past this particular place, then Im there for him. He shoves open the door and looks wildly around. He sees me further down the road walking away. He shouts, “