T.J. Klune - Bear, Otter, and the Kid 1 - Bear, Otter, and the Kid (23 page)

I want to look at him, but I cant. Not yet. “I was still so mad at you for leaving and coming back. I was angry because it seemed like that even though you were back, we were still fighting, and I had all this hatred in me. I didnt know how long you were going to stay. I didnt know if I would wake up, and you would be gone again. I didnt know why you couldnt answer me when I asked you about what Anna had said, that you had thought you lost the only happiness you could ever have. I thought it was me. I thought I had done something wrong to make you walk away like that. But even then, I couldnt stay away. Ive never felt this torn or conflicted about anything in my life!

“I keep asking myself what would have happened if youd never come back. What if Otter had decided not to come back ever again? And that scares me, because I know I would still be where I was. I dont know if thats good or not. It wasnt so bad where I was at. I loved Anna. I
love
Anna. Its just not the same as it used to be, even after these few days, and that upsets me. Shes been there for me more than you ever were, but here I am, having this conversation with you instead of her. Im sad because I have to lie to her. I know she cares about me, but I dont know if she could ever understand this. How could she when I dont?”

I hear Otter grunt, and I know hes about to break, to interrupt me and comfort me in the way that he always does. I shake my head just once in warning, knowing if I dont finish now, I never will. He sighs but doesnt speak.

“I have to lie to Creed. I cant tell him that Ive spent the last three days wrapped up in his brother. I cant stand to see him look at me like that. Hell be hurt because he would think that I couldnt come to him with this, and hell be right. Hell feel cheated out of something. Hell feel like I could never trust him. And then theres the part about this being
you
. Youre his brother, and Im his best friend. I can never do anything that would hurt him.”

The words come faster now.

 

“And then theres the Kid. Did I tell you that he asked if you were gay?

Thats kind of what started the whole fight between me and Anna. We told him the truth, but how can I ever tell him that about me?
I don’t even know what I am
. How can I be expected to raise him right when I cant even figure myself out?

“And you. Oh God, it all comes back to
you
. You scare me more than any of the rest. Im scared that youll listen to me now and think badly of me. Im scared that Ill never be able to give you what you want, that youve built up this image of me in your mind that I will never be able to live up to. Im scared that youll see this and leave, and Ill be alone again.”

I take a deep breath. “But Im scared most of all that Anna may be right. You told me it was like the fight for me is all youve ever known. I think about that a lot and someplace inside me, some secret place that I can only look at for a little bit at a time, I know youre right. I know this because Ive been fighting for you to come home. Ive been screaming and dying and praying for you to come home, and its taken so long, but now its like you never left, and I cant seem to fit that together in my mind.”

Tell him
, it whispers.
You’ve gone this far. What’ve you got to lose? Everything
, I think.
“Ive never told anyone this, but anytime that Ive felt sad or alone or

angry or upset, I would pray to God to just make you come back. That I would do anything He wanted me to do if only you would walk through my door. You were the only thing that made me feel safe when the earthquakes threatened to break me. I needed you to come home because when youre not here, I dont have a home. So, thats why I got so mad at Anna, so afraid at what shed said. She had gotten closer to the truth than even I had, and I didnt know what else to do.

“I cant promise you very much, Otter. I want to, but I cant. I can promise to take this one day at a time. I can promise to try and tell you everything. I can promise to try and make you feel the way you make
me
feel. I want you to be safe and protected, and I want to be the one to do it because sometimes, oh God,
sometimes
, the fight for you is all Ive ever known. And Im so very tired of fighting. Im tired, Otter, but if youre here with me I know it could all be okay. I know I can take another step.” I stop, drained, exonerated, terrified.

I take a chance and look at Otter. I dont see horror or pity like Id feared. No. What I see is a fierce pride, a wild-eyed look that takes my breath away. He moves quickly and picks me up, and before I can protest hes carrying me down the hall to my room. I have time to think how strange it is that I fit so perfectly right where I am. He sets me gently down on my bed and steps back and takes off his jacket and flings it to the ground and pounces on top of me. His mouth smothers me, and I open my eyes, and all I can see is him and me, and we are all thats left in the world. His hunger spills over, and I press back, opening his mouth with my tongue and groaning lightly. Im tired of waiting and wondering, so I reach for the bottom of his shirt and pull it above his head. He struggles to take it off, and we both hear it rip, but we dont stop, we dont care, we just keep pushing on. My shirt is gone, vanished as if by magic. He lies down on top of me and attacks my mouth again, and I smell burning because wires are shorting out in my brain again. His skin is warm against mine, and then its hot, and then its blazing. I gasp as he lowers his head from my mouth and drags his tongue down my chest and flicks it wickedly against my nipples. I rock my head back, gripping the edges of the blanket.

Then he performs another trick, and suddenly my pants are gone and any clothing that was underneath them is gone. I fumble for his belt buckle, and I hear someone whispering, “
I need you
,
I need you
,” and I dont know which one of us it is, but it doesnt matter. His pants slide off, and his cock springs free, and before I can do anything, he stretches his entire body against me. I think the friction will be enough to make me crazy. There are so many things I want to do, but I dont know how. I reach for him, but he grabs my arms and holds them over my head and says, “No, Bear, no. Now is for you. This is only about you,” and I nod, and his mouth lowers again, past my chest, and my hands go to his hair as he kisses my stomach, my side, my hip bone.

Then my dick is in his mouth, and
it feels like this? Oh God, how could I not know it could ever feel like this?
I babble incoherent nothings and push myself further down his throat. My eyes roll back into my head, and I count the stars that are shooting past, and theres one, and theres two, and then theres an entire sky filled with stars, and it gets so very bright. I arch my back again and say, “Otter, oh my Otter,” and then he rises and kisses me again sweetly, beautifully, painfully. His breath is ragged in my mouth, and my breath is the same back, but thats okay because its just him and me, Bear and Otter, and at this moment, I dont care what anyone thinks, what anyone knows. I dont care what has happened in the past or what could happen in the future. The only thing I care about is feeling his heart beat against mine, and I think how funny it is that theyre beating in time with each other and how it seems that were one person and one mind and one everything.

But I want to go further, I want to crawl inside of him and stay there forever, and I say as much, or as close to that as my mind allows. He nods, sweat dripping from his brow onto my chest. He licks it off and then pulls me up and over him and lays on his back and says something about his pocket,
it’s in his pocket.
I reach down and find a tube of something (
when did he get this?
), something I dont know because my mind is fried and unable to form any kind of comprehension. It feels cold against me when he rubs it on, and I feel slick and boiling, and my skin is alive and rumbling, and he is alive beneath me, and I put my hands on either side of his head as he raises his big legs up closer to his chest. I feel him grab a hold of me and guide me, and I gaze at him, and he smiles back at me, that same crooked smile, and I know this is Otter. This is Otter, and hes home. He leans up and kisses me gently, and I find his tongue, and then tightness suddenly envelopes my dick, and its warm and weird and wonderful, and I press gently because I dont want to hurt him, but he growls at me, a low,
hungry
growl, and I push until my hips are against him. He moans, and I put my forehead against his because the fight for him is all Ive ever known, whether Ive always known it or not, and then he pushes back, and I rock against him, and he rocks against me, and my eyes squeeze closed, and as he says my name over and over and over again in my ear, all I can see are the stars again, and every single one is gold, and every single one is green, because every single one is the color of his eyes.

S
OMETIME
later (okay I wont lie. Its not that much later; I didnt last very long), Im lying on top of him, my head propped up on my hands near his chest. Hes pushed up against the wall behind my bed, his hand once again in my hair. Im trying hard not to think about what I just did, what that makes me, and for the most part I succeed. It helps that he is staring at me, his eyes filled with wonder. I cant help grinning like an idiot, and my face burns, and I bury it against him, and he laughs softly. Its starting to get cold in the room, but hes radiating against me, and I sigh, seemingly content for the first time in a long time.

“So… that was good,” he says, amused.
“Yeah?” I say, sounding like a child hoping for praise.

“Yeah,” he says, and I smile against him. Theres white noise in the back of my head that Ill have to deal with sooner or later, but for now its staying quiet. For now, its letting me have this moment.

“So what does
this
mean?” I ask him. And then I lick him, a quick dart of my tongue.

He laughs again, a great rumbling sound I feel crawling out of him. “Bear,” he says chidingly, “it means whatever you want it to mean. We can write our own rules now. It doesnt have to be something that already exists. We are whatever you want us to be.”

I think for a moment.
Whatever
I
want us to be? I don’t even know what I want
me
to be.
The noise in my head grows a little louder.

 

“What do you want us to be?” I ask him, trying to ignore the sudden unease I feel.

“I want for us to be happy,” he says softly. “And to do that, you need to be happy. With this. With me.” He smirks. “I cant force you to do that, as much as Id like to. I can hear the gears turning in your head from here.”

I slap him playfully, trying to make light of it, but it gives me pause.
Now there are two people who can read me like a book
, I muse. “I dont know,” I tell him with a straight face. “We may have to do this quite a bit more before I am completely happy.”

He rolls his eyes and pulls me up his chest, and I dizzily enjoy the short friction-filled ride up his body. He kisses me gently and then lays me on his shoulder, a place Im already starting to think of as my spot. This is mine. “Well do it until youre 100 percent satisfied,” he whispers in my ear, sending chills running down my body like ice flowing within me. He hums happily as he feels me shiver.

Were quiet for a while, just him and me, each lost in our own thoughts. The noise in the back of my mind seems to have stopped its rise, and I touch it gingerly, testing the waters. It doesnt ripple as much as I thought it would, but still I dont submerge myself into it. I dont need to. Like the ocean, it has waves, and the tide is still low, but it laps dangerously at my feet. I close my eyes and glare angrily at it, wishing what stretched before me was a desert. I imagine a wind blowing sweetly through my hair, but with it comes disjointed voices, saying things like
what are you doing?
and
is this who you really are?
and
oh God, Bear, oh my God
. I try to ignore them and focus on the heat I feel beneath me, but the wind has brought seeds and while they still havent sprouted, theyve started to take root. I grimace bitterly against them, angry at myself for doubting this, for doubting
him
.
He’s the only thing I’ve got!
I shout at the sea.
Don’t you think about taking this away from me!
I start to feel better as the ocean recedes, but then a voice calls out:
It won’t be us that drives you away, Bear. Pretty soon you’ll want to come for a swim, but it won’t be us that makes you.

“Hey,” he says, breaking me from my insanity. I look up at him, trying to mask my face so he wont see any of my thoughts. He kisses my forehead and says, “You get to ask me something now.”

“Huh?” I say, unsure of what he is speaking of.

“You said that if you told me what Anna said that I had to tell you something. What do you want to know?”
Oh. That.
I lie back down in the crook of his neck and inhale briefly. He smells like Otter, and its the best thing Ive ever known. I feel him chuckle as my breath tickles him as I exhale.
Go ahead
, the ocean says.
Go ahead and ask him. Maybe he’ll save you from drowning.

I think Ill ignore it, that I will tell him that Ill ask him something later. When I open my mouth to speak, of course, what I really wanted to say falls out. Its my curse.

“What did you and Jonah talk about when he called?” I whisper into his neck, and I feel him tense.
“You heard that, huh? I thought you had,” he says, his voice even.

I push off of him, needing to see his face. When I do, its smiling weakly at me, and his hand brushes my hair again. “I didnt mean to,” I say quickly. “I just… shit. I dont know. I—I wanted to make sure you were okay. I saw the expression on your face when you answered the phone and….” I trail off, unsure of how to continue.

His grin widens, and it almost looks normal again. “You wanted to make sure I was okay? Im a big boy, Bear. I know how to handle those things.”