T.J. Klune - Bear, Otter, and the Kid 1 - Bear, Otter, and the Kid (22 page)
hours later Im sitting in the main office, trying to fill out some paperwork for the produce guys. Its dead tonight, and Ive already sent a cashier home. I had told Anna that she could go if she wanted, too, but she told me she needed the hours. The night manager came on, and I took that as an opportunity to barricade myself in the office and pretend to be busy. I told myself it was because I
was
busy, that I wasnt trying to hide from anyone, but a part of me felt like a fraud. Im shoving some papers in a filing cabinet when I hear an easy chuckle behind me.
I turn and see Otter propped against the doorway, as he seems prone to do. Hes dressed in jeans and black boots and a tight black shirt under a leather jacket that does little to hide the fact that hes powerful underneath all that unnecessary clothing. I look appreciatively at this and think that straight guys can tell when another guy is attractive, so this cant be
that
gay but most guys dont finish the thoughts with wanting to see just how powerful a body there is without all that clothing.
“Whats so funny?” I say as he chuckles again.
He grins. “You look hot in an apron.”
I rush over, hissing. I push my way past him and peer over his large
shoulder, making sure no one heard him. “Dont say stuff like that,” I say, glowering at him. “Were at my work!” At least I had kept my dirty thoughts to myself!
He arches his eyebrow. “Why not? You can just tell them that Im your best friends gay older brother whos back in town.” He flips up the collar on his jacket and pulls an imaginary comb out of his back pocket and starts rubbing it over his head. I glare at him for a moment longer before chuffing in annoyance.
“What are you doing here?” I grumble as he crosses his arms across his chest.
He looks surprised. “I told you I was coming here when you got off. I said I was going to pick up something for din—”
“Otter?” a voice says from behind him.
God hates me.
He turns and sees Anna standing near the doorway. I cant see his reaction, but he doesnt hesitate as he moves forward to pick her up in a hug. She smiles but not before she glances at me over his shoulder. Much is said in this look, but I cant read any of it. I wonder, not for the first time, what Anna knows, or at the very least what she
thinks
she knows. I try not to shudder at the thought.
“Howre you?” he asks Anna, and I groan inwardly.
How do you think she is!
I want to scream at him.
We broke up, like, three days ago because of you! Think for one fucking second!
She surprises me when she says, “Im fine,” and she sounds like she means it. She steals another look at me, and I turn my gaze to the wall, which has suddenly become very interesting. “What are you doing here?” she asks Otter.
He shrugs. “Just thought Id stop by. I was in the neighborhood and wanted to pick up some food. I think Ive eaten everything in the house.”
She laughs and I cringe. “Thats cool,” she tells him. “Its good to see you, Otter. Im glad you decided to stick around for a while this time. Have you thought about how long youre going to stay?”
He shakes his head. “I hadnt really thought about it.” He glances over his shoulder at me. Its a quick look, lasting no more than a second. A blinkand-youll-miss-it kind of thing. “I guess Ill stay as long as Im wanted.”
Anna squints up at him ever so subtly. “We always want you around, Otter. Isnt that right, Bear?”
I mumble something to the effect.
“Forgive him,” she says to Otter. “Hes been locked up in this office all night, trying to avoid me.”
“Im not avoiding you,” I bark at her. “Ive had work to do.”
She grins sweetly at me. “Sure you have.” Otter glances back and forth between the two of us and arches his eyebrow. I try to keep myself from reaching out and pummeling the both of them.
“Do you have plans tonight?” Anna asks Otter. “Maybe we could get coffee or something when I get off of work. You know, catch up for old times sake.”
“Rain check?” he asks her. “Ive got some… stuff to do. But definitely sometime soon, though, okay?”
She smiles again and nods. “Of course.” She glances at me again. “Bear, arent you off now? Why dont you keep Otter company while he shops?” My hand is on the stapler, and Im getting ready to chuck it at one of them (I dont care who it hits) when she gives Otter another hug and turns and walks away. Otter watches her go for a moment and then turns back to me.
seems… good,” Otter says as we carry the groceries up the stairs.
I fumble with my keys as I try to open the door. “I guess so,” I grumble back to him. I find the right key and open the door, flipping on the light to the living room. He walks in and sets the bags on the table and then turns to me and takes the bags from my arms and puts them beside his. He then pulls me into his arms, and I try not to protest too much. I lay my head on his shoulder and sag against him. He puts one hand on my lower back and the other wraps around my shoulders. I feel safe when Im with him like this, but this is something I wont tell him as I can barely say it to myself. It is a foreign feeling to be able to be so conflicted about something, but that discord seems to go away as soon as Im resting comfortably on him. Weve only been doing whatever it is were doing for a few days now, but it doesnt matter. I feel safe.
He pulls back slightly. “Howre you doing?” he asks me.
“Truthfully?” I ask, and he nods. “Its been a very weird day.” “Is this the first time youve seen Anna since you guys broke up?”
I hesitate. I hadnt meant to say this out loud. I hadnt meant to bring this up at all, but the thought has been dancing around my head since I saw her earlier today. I had barricaded myself in the office to avoid her, but not because I thought she could glean anything from my face. I did it because I know Anna can read me better than almost anyone. I hid from her so I wouldnt have to look at her looking at me.
I shrug. “Just some things shes said,” I grumble.
“Would it be so bad if she did? If she knew about „this?”
I pound the table with my fist, surprising myself and Otter. “What is
this
?” I ask him hotly. “What are we even doing, Otter?”
“I dont know, Bear,” he says truthfully. “I keep asking myself that
same thing.”
I wince at this. “You do? Do you… do you think its a bad thing?” He chuckles softly and comes down and kneels before me, putting his
hands on mine in my lap. “Hey,” he says.
“Hey, yourself,” I say back, unable to look away, waiting for him to
answer.
“I dont think this is bad at all,” he says seriously. “I told you that I
would take whatever you were willing to give, just as long as at the end of it
all, Im still your friend. Thats always going to be a priority here, and I
hope you understand that.”
“I do,” I tell him. “But could you really be okay if we were just friends?
You know, after….”
He thinks for a moment and then says, “Bear, I truly think so, yes. Ive
told you that, and Im always going to be honest with you, no matter what.” I smile thinly. “Even if its bad?”
He laughs. “Even if its bad. You should always hear the truth from
me.”
“Can I tell you a truth?” I ask, taking a deep breath. He nods. “Im
scared, Otter. About all… this. What if its not who I am?” I look away. “I
dont want to hurt you.”
“Do you think you could?”
“I dont want to,” I whisper, clutching his hands. “Ive just got you
back, and I dont want to do anything to drive you away. But I tried
something last night and today, and it worries me.”
“And what was that, Bear?”
So I tell him. I tell him how last night Id made sure Ty was asleep and
then had turned on the computer and had gone online. I tell him how I had
tried looking at… guys and stuff. I started with famous people. Then I went
to dating sites and looked at pictures of men. Then it progressed to pictures
of porn. Of guys doing things to each other that I had never even thought of.
Then I finally struck up the nerve to click on a video and, making sure the sound was down, proceeded to watch the entire thing. Nothing. I was never
turned on, even for a moment.
Then today, at work, while on my shift and in between fretting about the
Kid and Anna, I had looked at some of the guys that come into the store.
There were short ones and tall ones, fat ones and skinny ones, older guys
and younger guys, muscles and no muscles. And not a single one of them
turned my head. It wasnt until Otter showed up looking like he did that I
had even felt something remotely stirring.
While I tell him this, his expression never changes, and I want to hug
him for it. He could laugh or snort or look disgusted by me, but he does
none of that. He doesnt move until Im finished, and even then he looks
thoughtfully up into my eyes, and I feel that longing again, and I wonder if
Im broken or defective or something. Im about to say as much to try and
crack a joke when he rises up and presses his lips against mine. Im shocked
at first, but close my eyes and bring my hands up and take his head in my
hands and rub my fingers through his hair. I sigh into his mouth as it opens,
and he probes me with his tongue. I feel his big hands rubbing my legs
gently, and then he breaks away from my lips and kisses the line of my jaw
until he reaches my neck, where he nips and bites gently. My back arches
languorously at the sensation, and Im about to return the favor when he
pulls away.
“Did you feel something then?” he asks.
I nod, eyes wide.
“So what does that mean?” he says as he brushes a hair out of my face. I hesitate before saying quietly, “I dont know.”
He sits back on his butt and crosses his long legs in front of him and
looks down at his hands, lost in thought. I drink him in while I can. His
blond hair is getting longer and falls over his face. He takes a big hand and
pushes it back. He takes a deep breath, and I see his chest rise gently
through his shirt. The way hes folded up right now makes him look so
compact, but I know its just an illusion. His nose is kind of crooked, like
his smile, but it doesnt detract from anything. In fact, it makes him even
more appealing. Blond stubble lines his cheeks. I cant see his eyes, but I
know what they look like, gold in green. He reaches up and scratches the
back of his head, and I can see how strong his arms are, even through the
jacket. I try to remember what they feel like around me. I try to imagine
them against my bare skin. His hand rubbing slowly on my chest. It would
stop at my heart, just to feel it beat, but then it would move on, a finger
running softly (but not
too
soft) over my nipples. I would feel the heat of
him against me, and the gold-green would shine, and his mouth would fall
onto mine, and there would be stars….
With a half-strangled yelp, I leap from my chair and fall on top of him.
Quicker than ever (its like hes always
expecting
me), his arms come up
and fold around me. I press my lips against his, and my eyes are open, and
his are open, and we gaze upon each other, and he sits up straighter and
pulls me closer, and my hands are here, there, everywhere, and I dont want
to stop so I rock against him, grinding myself into him. He gasps slightly
and fights back with renewed strength. I can feel him underneath me and
suddenly theres an ache inside me, an itch just begging to be scratched. Its
almost enough to toss all my inhibitions aside. Almost. Breathing heavily, I
sit back, his arms resting around my waist, his paws on my ass. He looks at
me through half-lidded eyes, and I cant help but laugh through my panic.
He shakes his head to clear the fuzz out and chuckles.
“What was that for?” he asks. He grins up at me appreciatively. I shrug, trying to ignore how hard I am. “Its weird, Otter. I obviously
feel something for you, but why is it that nobody else does that to me?” He pulls me forward and kisses my nose. It tickles and burns. “I dont
know, Bear. Maybe I shouldnt try and discern why you dont feel
something for other guys. It means I get to keep you all to myself.” I groan and punch his arm. “That doesnt help at all.” I look down at
him, and he smiles crookedly back at me. His eyes show me how he feels
about me, and I want to cower, but I try and push it away. Why is it that he
can do this to me? Its not humanly possible for me to be… like
that
for just
one person, is it? Thats not how biology works. But then again, Ive never
felt this need with anyone before.
It wasn’t even this bad with Anna
, I think
darkly. Its like hes lit a fire under me and then set me down on the sun.
Once again, I think back to what Anna asked me at the end of our fight and
wonder if this is what she saw. Shes seen me around Otter enough times,
but was it something I did? Ive obviously never acted toward him like this
before. How could she see it? And how can nobody else?
“Bear,” Otter says, breaking me out of my reverie. “Youre thinking too
hard again. Stop trying to figure everything out all the time.”
I roll my eyes. “I was just thinking about something Anna said,” I say
without meaning to. It seems that I cant keep my thoughts from traveling to
my mouth for anything.
“What did she say?”
I get off him, move to the counter, and start unpacking the rest of the
groceries. Im trying to stall for time, trying to make something up in my
head that would sound remotely plausible, but it would be a lie, and I cant lie to him, no matter how hard I try. I may withhold the truth, but I could not look at him and be dishonest. It would seem hes got quite the hold over me,
and I blush quietly.
Otter comes up behind me and takes the food out of my hand and sets it
back down. I grip the edges of the countertop and try not to sway as a wave
of vertigo sweeps me. I know if he asks me, Im going to tell him what she
said. Part of me wants him to. Part of me doesnt. Saying things for others to
hear has never gotten me anywhere.
“What did she say, Bear?” he asks.
Shit.
My knuckles turn white as I say, “She… she asked if you ever flirted
with me.”
“When was this? When you guys were fighting the last time?” Theres
no recrimination in his voice like I expected there to be. I think now he
knows I didnt tell him everything.
I hazard a glance at him, and I see his face is kind. This emboldens me
slightly. “Yeah. She asked me that and… and something else.” “What else?”
“She asked if—” The words choke in my mouth, and I dont know if I
can speak further. I dont want to have him freak out or anything. Two guys
should never be having this kind of conversation. It should have never come
to this.
Then why is it so hard, Bear?
that damned voice whispers.
If it
shouldn’t be like this, then why are you so afraid? Do you think he’ll be
grossed out? That he’ll walk out the door again and not come back? That
you’ll have gone through all of this for nothing? Maybe he will; maybe he
won’t. But if you never ask, if you never say what’s in your heart, then you
might as well give up now. You’ll never amount to anything.
I try to listen, but I cant help it.
“Never mind,” I say forcefully. “It doesnt matter.” I go to push past
him to go anywhere but where I am, but he grabs my arm and stops me in
my tracks. I curse him silently and try not to struggle.
“You should know by now that doesnt fly with me,” he says sternly.
“Whatever it is, you might as well tell me. Itll make all of this a lot easier.” I sigh, annoyed. “Otter, you dont have any idea how hard this is for me!
You think that just because Ive acted this way around you that its an easy
thing to do.” I blink angrily as tears threaten to rise. “You dont know what
its like,” I continue harshly, “questioning everything Ive ever done. This
makes no sense to me! Why am I only wanting you? If Im supposed to be…
that
, then why doesnt anything else catch my eye? What the hell does
that make me?”
“I wish I could tell you,” he says gruffly. “I wish I had an explanation
for you so that we were both satisfied. You only want me that way, great. It
should make me feel on top of the fucking world.” He takes a ragged breath.
“But it doesnt. It makes me wonder if I was right all along, that I influenced
you somehow. That I
made
you this way.”
I roll my eyes. “I think thats really fucking retarded.”
He laughs shakily. “I know it is,” he tells me. “But whats the
alternative? You cant just be… gay for one person, Bear. It just doesnt
work that way.”
“Im not gay,” I say quickly, immediately feeling like an ass. “I never said you were,” Otter reassures me. “Youre just you. I could
never ask for any more, nor would I expect any less. Besides,” he says,
chuckling softly to himself, “I hate labels. You dont need to be labeled
anything.”
I think hard, but just for a moment. “If I tell you what she said, can I ask
you something?”
He nods. “Anything. You know that.”
I turn to face him, not exactly wanting to, but more afraid
not
to see his
face when I speak next. I have to know what he thinks.
“Anna asked me if you ever flirted with me,” I say. “I told her no
because I never really thought you had. But then she asked me something
else, and thats why I think she knows. Thats why she called you after we
fought because she saw something in my eyes or heard me say something
that sounded untrue.”
“Okay,” he says, still holding onto my arm.
“She asked me if….”
SAY IT, YOU ASSHOLE!
“She asked me if you
were in love with me.” It comes out in a rush, and it feels so good to say this
to someone else, to get this off my chest. Its only been a few days, and I
had tried not to dwell on it too much, but it must have been there more than
I thought because I immediately feel a weight lift from me ever so slightly.
“I didnt know what to do, so I kind of freaked out and kind of yelled at her.
She said I was lying.” My breath is coming in hitches now, but I wont stop,
I cant stop. “She then asked if I was in love with you, and I panicked, Otter.
I panicked. I said no right away, and I dont know what it means because I
felt guilty right away, and I wanted to take it back because it sounded so
final
.”