Totem (34 page)

“You don’t know how much I want you.”

“Then take me,” I whisper to him, too excited to say it in my normal voice.

His eyes open and look into mine. He searches them for a while. He exhales a deep breath and then kisses my forehead.

“Not tonight.”

I feel myself mentally slump. A part of me wants to test him, but then a bigger part of me decides against it. I grab the towel in his outstretched hand. I begin to dry my hair as I move away from Ty. He grabs my hand quickly making me look up at him.

“Hey,” he began. “You ok?”

I let out a faint smile.

“Yea,” I reply. “I’m ok.” I pause to think about how to word my feelings. “I really want you.” I begin awkwardly.

Ty smiles a huge smile.

“I know,” replies Ty. I smile back.

“You are so beautiful.” I let out a sigh. “I know it is good to wait, but I am ready… and the reason I am ready is because it is you.”

I pause and stare down at the tiles. My thoughts swirl around my head. I feel the need to cry building inside of me but I push forward.

“Ty… with you…. I come undone. I look at you and I want all of you. I want your thoughts, your time, and above all, your body.”

              I smile but the tears begin to well up in my eyes and stream down my face.

              “Why are you crying?” Concern creases Ty’s face.

              “I am crying because I am so happy.” I laugh like a crazy person. “I cry because all the emotions and feelings I have for you are flowing out. It sounds silly and I must look crazy, but it is true.”

              Gently, he grabs my face and lifts it up so that I can’t look anywhere else but into his handsome face. His eyes search mine. The sensation of the touch mixed with his longing gaze sends chills through me. Without words, he kisses me softly on the lips. Then, he gently kisses each eye taking some of the tears with him.

              “Kimber, I feel the same. I see you come undone and it makes me want you more.” He lands another gentle kiss on my lips. “I have never met anyone as incredible as you. You make me want to go slow down and speed up all at the same time. I want to give you everything and I want everything you have to offer. I want all of you and that makes me lose control.”

              “Then why wait?” I plead. “Why not tonight?”

              I watch as Ty’s smile turns into a frown.

              “Kimber, there are so many emotions that you bring out of me. I have been able to grasp control of my abilities and the emotions that cause me to change, but with you, I lose control and that can be a bad thing. I don’t want to hurt you. ”

He lets go of my face and wraps his arms around me. I get lost in his embrace.

              “Besides, there are still more things we need to talk about.”

              “Like what?” I ask.

              “Well, for basics… protection.”

              “I’m on birth control.” I blurt out.

              This throws Ty for a loop. I tilt my head up to see the Ty’s intrigued look staring down at me.

              “I’ve been on it since high school.” I pause to gauge Ty’s reaction. There is no change. “I used to get really bad cramps and the doctor prescribed it… it helped.”

              “Ok,” replies Ty with an amused look on his face.

              “I would still want to use a condom as well.” I blurt out again. Then I quickly explain before Ty says anything. “Not that I don’t trust you. I do trust you… I am just afraid of getting pregnant…. And…I don’t want to get pregnant.”

              Ty smirks. I cannot gauge what it means. Patiently I wait for him to respond.

              “Ok,” he smiles. “Ok,” he says one more time. I pull away from him so I can look him square in the face.

              “Ok,” I reply. “Let’s go over the list. We covered contraception. We covered your animal behavior. We already got out the element of mystery with our naked shower time.”

              “Fun naked shower time,” interjects Ty.

              My face flushes. Ty smiles at the site of me a little embarrassed.

              “So what is left? What is there stopping us?”

              “Well, call me a girl, but I want it to be the right moment.”

              He kisses my forehead and then walks out the bathroom. I wrap the towel around me tight and follow.

              “You’re a girl.”

              Ty lets out a chuckle.

              “Fair enough,” Ty replies. “Kimber, I have never met anyone that affected me the way you do. I have been all over the world and seen more than anyone could EVER see in ten life times. As far as I can tell, it seems to be a once in a lifetime event that I find you. So please forgive me if I don’t mind waiting a little longer until the right moment.”

              I loosen up. When he puts it that way, it makes it sound special. I curse my raging hormones. The truth is any woman with a man this beautiful would want the same thing. I try to put myself in his shoes. Technically, Ty should be in his 70’s right now. His life experiences reflect that of his actual age and not the age he looks. For him, time is not a problem he has plenty of it. I gather my thoughts before I speak.

              “I can see where you are coming from,” I reply. “But you also have to see it from my perspective. I haven’t lived 70 years. Nor will I probably live 100 more like you will. For me, time is quicker. It moves fast and I want to experience all I can before my time is up. So you must understand that one day soon, I want to get carried away. I want to get lost in a single defining moment that I will remember my whole life and I want it to be with you.”

              Moved by my words, Ty quickly closes the distance between us and scoops me in his arms. Kisses filled with so much emotion land on my lips and face. I wrap my warms around his neck and he lifts me up in the air. Electricity passes through our bodies at the points we connect. It is one of those pure moments people have where you truly see each other. For us, it only brings us closer. Ty lowers me to the ground. His nose rubs against mine.

              “Not tonight,” he responds through a husky breath, “but as soon as I can.”

              I nod my head. His answer lulls the situation, at least for now. All too aware of my fatigue, I break away from our embrace to finish getting ready for bed. When I walk into the main room, I see Ty lying shirtless in bed with the blankets pulled above his waist. He throws a crooked smile at me as he pats the space on the bed in front of him.

              “Second base?” He asks.

              I smile at the man under the purple comforters.

              “I might let you go to first.” I tease as I crawl into bed.

              Ty leans over and turns off the light. He pulls me into him and kisses the back of my hair. His arms wrap tight around my body holding me close to him. Here is a handsome man who loves me.

              “I have waited this long,” I state.  “I guess a little while longer is ok, but it’s just because it’s you.”

              Ty laughs softly. The vibrations of his laugh go through his chest and into mine. I like these little moments when we somehow become one person. It is in these moments that the time I feel rushing forward briefly stands still. Here, in his arms, I feel safe and secure. Then to make the moment even more perfect, Ty whispers those three words that took me by surprise earlier into my ear.

              “I love you.”

             
I sit in my lofted bed listening
to Andrew and his sixth floor “eye candy” discuss the finer points of fashion. It is Thursday night and the general consensus among the group is to stay in, relax and save up energy for the long Mardi Gras weekend ahead of us. The idea of relaxing is a welcome relief to me. Ty and I have been spending every available minute together. This is the first night that we are apart. Ty has his duties to attend and I am just content to have a night to myself. It gives me a chance to catch up with my friends whom I have so obviously been neglecting the past few weeks.

              Corey moves his hands to express a point. Corey is Andrew’s sixth floor boy who I first interacted with in the staircase during finals week. It was not my best foot forward as first impressions go, but being friends with Andrew, I was given a lot of leeway to make a better one. Corey is handsome in a unique way. His smile is brilliant and a fairy like mischief radiates from his large, green, almond shaped eyes. He has a small frame which is in strong contrast to his unusually large head. It probably would have looked odd on most people, but on Corey, it is whimsical creating a surreal fairy like charm that I can see both men and women being attracted to.

              Andrew is smitten. The two of them have become as much an item as Ty and I. It is the first relationship between two men that I have ever witnessed firsthand, so of course I watch them with more curiosity than normal. What I see is two people connecting. They are still in the honeymoon period of their relationship but they have more passion than most of the men and women I see in a relationship. I watch as Andrew and Corey exchange flirtatious looks while discussing the appropriate attire for Mardi Gras parades.

              “I personally believe jeans and a polo shirt that is either purple, green or gold is the way to go,” comments Corey.

              “What about the polo with a crawfish in the corner with strips of all three colors?”

              “Those are reserved for sorority girls and fratastics… and old people,” giggles Corey making him look more fairy-like.

              “Whatever, I own one of them and will wear it proudly every Mardi Gras,” comments Andrew.

              “See if I hang out with you during Mardi Gras.”

              “And see if I take you out to dinner anymore.” Andrew retorts.

              Corey lets out a laugh. Andrew smiles at him warmly the look in their eyes making it one of those personal moments made awkward by sharing with a third person. Politely, I turn my attention away from them and back to the television. As if on cue, Michelle opens the bathroom door with a towel wrapped around her hair and another wrapped around her small body.

              “Get a room you two,” comments Michelle at the sight of the love fest in front of her.

              “We do have a room,” replies Andrew, “Yours.”

              Michelle rolls her eyes as she flings open her wardrobe doors. She grabs a few clothes then hustles back into the bathroom, emerging only after fully dressed.             

              “I’m starving,” comments Michelle as she begins towel drying her hair.

              “What kind of food do you want?” asks Andrew

              “I don’t know. Probably something greasy,” replies Michelle. “I’m in the mood for fast food.”

              “Like drive through type food?” asks Andrew

              “Yea,” replies Michelle, “Kind of, but more like ballpark hotdog type food.”

              “Bud’s Broiler?” asks Andrew

              “I could do Bud’s broiler.”

              “Alright,” comments Andrew standing up. “Who’s driving?”

              “I’ll drive since I am the one wanting the food. Are you coming Kimber?”

              “Sure,” I respond.

              Bud’s broiler is the quintessential college food I mostly associate with eating after a night of binge drinking. However, college life seems to be a series of bad food choices that have me running extra miles outside or staying an extra hour at the gym. Despite my knowledge of that fact, I cannot resist a chili covered hotdog with a side of cheese fries. I hop down from my tall bed and onto the floor below searching for my flip flops and jacket. After a little preparation, our small group of four leaves the room with a flutter of conversation following us on our walk. Michelle and I wave as we pass the numerous dorm residents we know.

              “Geez, boo boo’s. How many people do you two know?” asks Andrew

              “What,” replies Michelle defensively, “We like to be friendly.”

              “Besides, it’s good to know people,” I chime in.

              In only one semester, Michelle and I have befriended almost half of the residents of the over five hundred living in the dorm. I like walking around greeting people. You never know if your one act of kindness will brighten up someone’s day. Even if it doesn’t, it makes me feel better. I hear the familiar beep of Michelle’s car as she unlocks it with the car remote. Andrew and Corey hop into the back seat leaving me to ride shotgun with Michelle.

              “So the building on the corner just off of campus with the bank has a Bud’s right?” asks Michelle as she buckles her seat belt and places the key in the ignition.

              “Of course, but we could always go to the one across from Delgado too,” chimes in Corey. His lifetime home of New Orleans has allowed him to almost completely memorize the city lay out.

              “Do we want to go to that one?” asks Michelle.

              “Why not take a little ride?” questions Corey.

              “Ok,” replies Michelle.

              She pulls the car out of the parking lot and with a little too much exuberance, speeds down the streets on our way to the Bud’s Broiler across from Delgado. Night has already set in. The street lamps cast shadows through the oak trees. There is a chill in the air signaling to us that winter is not quite ready to give up its claim on New Orleans. Christmas has been well over a month ago yet purple, green, and gold lights line houses. Not all the houses are decorated for Mardi Gras, but the few that do draw a smile upon my lips, exciting my inner child. This will be my first Mardi Gras. I want to jump up and down in anticipation and although there are parades going on tonight, we decided to relax. After all there will be tons in the days to come leading up to Fat Tuesday.

              We pull up to a small standalone building with limited parking. The bright light of the dive diner style restaurant shows through the front glass wall inviting people to the building like moths to a flame. We parallel park on the street in front giving me a good chance to look at Delgado Community College across the street. The stone building itself is impressive as the cone lights shoot pillars up towards the sky casting an ominous glow on the already sculpted building. Old oak tress scattered around in the front provide some tranquility to an otherwise haunting structure. All in all, it is a building set in New Orleans and much a part of the city.

              I turn my attention back to our search for food and the building housing the greasy meal I am about to call dinner. Past the red and gold sign through the wall of windows is a room that resembling a hallway more than a restaurant. Very few tables are found and there is one door by the cash register and one by the order pick up which implies that this is clearly a walk through restaurant.

              “We should definitely take it to go,” comments Corey.

              “Do we want to go back to the dorms?” asks Michelle

              “Nah,” replies Andrew. “How about we eat on the lakefront overlooking Pontchartrain?”

              “Sounds good,” replies Michelle.

              After grabbing our food, we pile back into Michelle’s car and take off towards Lakeshore Drive. Cold air blows briskly off of the lake making it seem cooler than the rest of the city, but that did not stop groups of people from night fishing. Michelle finds a parking spot on the street only steps away from the lake. As we pile out, she rolls down her window and turns up the volume on the radio letting sweet music fill the night sky. We all take a seat on the two benches facing the lake. The only light filters from the street lamps behind us casting its golden hue as far as it can before disappearing in the dark water of Lake Pontchartrain. I look out upon the water. Pontchartrain is vast and resembles an ocean more than a lake. The waves lap the concrete steps receding into the dark liquid. For a brief moment, I get lost in my own imagination filled with all the possible creatures that could inhabit this lake.

              “You’ve been awfully quiet tonight.” Andrew nudges my shoulder with his.

              “I am quiet because I am content.”

              “Things with Ty going alright?” asks Andrew

              “Thing with Ty are going great.” I reply with a warm smile.

              It is the truth. Ty and I are happy. He makes me happy.

              I look down at the bag in my lap and pull out my chili covered hotdog. It is not my usual food of choice for dinner but the sight of the greasy mess makes my mouth water. I bite into my hotdog fully aware a napkin will be needed when I am finished. Secretly, I thank my youth and body’s ability to break down greasy, fatty food.

              “Ty probably would be here tonight if he didn’t have to work.” I comment between bites. “Plus we have been spending a lot of time together. It’s good to be apart a little bit.”

              “True,” replies Andrew as he bites into his hamburger.

              Just then, Michelle lets out a squeal as she leaps out of her spot and runs to her car. My attention turns to her. I watch the top half of her body dive into the passenger window and the volume on her radio begins to increase. The site of her dangling feet kicking the air causes me to let out a tiny laugh. Quickly she pops back out the window allowing her feet to touch ground once again as “Beast of Burden” by the Rolling Stones blasts in the background.

              “I love this song!” Exclaims Michelle as she dances around.

              “Do you love this song or do your parents love it?” asks Corey

              “Both,” replies Michelle ignoring Corey’s bitchy undertone.

              “Well, I guess it’s both for me too.” Corey hops up to dance and serenade Michelle. She lets out a giggle as Corey grabs her hand, his other hand lying strategically over his heart as he pretends to pour all his emotion into the song he sings directed toward Michelle. I laugh as I watch the two of them dance getting lost in the night, getting lost in the moment, and getting lost in the song. Both look so young and carefree. I cannot help but love life trapped in this single moment. I chance a glance at Andrew whose gaze lies upon Corey and I see a carefree man in love.

              “It seems we all have found relationships.” I comment loud enough for only Andrew and myself to hear.

              His eyes drift away from Corey and connect with mine.

              “You two seem happy,” I state. “I can tell that you really like him.”

              “I do,” replies Andrew in a low tone. “I like him a lot…the truth is, I’m just trying not to mess it up. I have a tendency of doing that and with him I am trying to learn from the past. You know, change my ways. I just don’t want to mess it up.”

              “You won’t if you believe you won’t.”

              “I hope you’re right.” Andrew replies with a glance longing my words to be true.

              Quickly he shakes it off. A smile crosses his face as he begins to wiggle on the bench to the beat. I laugh.

              “I am trying not to be a beast of burden.” smiles Andrew.

              He wiggles out of his seat dancing a few moves before extending a hand to me. Graciously I take his hand as he leads me behind the benches to our makeshift dance floor with Michelle and Corey already in full swing. We all get lost in the night, our youth and each other.

             
We stumble up to the sliding door
leading into the dorms laughing and acting silly. Perhaps it is a side effect of all the greasy food. Michelle hops like a bunny as Andrew and Corey playfully bump each other with their hips. I laugh rubbing my cold hands that have become frozen from the wind rolling off the lake. Perhaps we spent too much time out at the lake after eating but you rarely notice the loss of time when in good company. I trod slightly behind the group enjoying the view as we walk into the warmth of the dorm’s front lobby.

              As if my smile couldn’t get any bigger, I spot the silhouette of my hunky boyfriend and for the millionth time my heart takes flight, palpitating deep within my chest, longing to break through and get closer to him.

              “Hey Ty,” calls Michelle.

              He turns around and smiles but the smile does not reach his eyes. My small group walks up to him. I see the mask he places over his face for the others. I know him so well to not be fooled by the guise. Rather I am concerned, but taking a cue from him, I hold strong to my own smile allowing it to grow as I proudly introduce my boyfriend.