Toxic (Better Than You) (13 page)

“He’s not a murderer, Nathan.” Why I’m sticking up for Danny, I have no idea. Old habits die hard, I guess.

“Right, he just hits women for fun.”

Now it’s my turn to sigh. “He thought I was working, and then he saw us on the patio. He jumped to conclusions, got mad. He has a very bad temper.”

“That doesn’t make it right and you know it. Why are you defending him? Why are you
with
him?”

“Because he’s all I’ve ever known. He’s all I have. I’ve told you this.”

“I still don’t get it, Lo. Believe me, I’m trying to understand but it’s so fucking hard.” He steps towards me again and gently cups my elbows. “I called the cops. I didn’t know what else to do.”

My heart starts to beat faster. My palms get that tingly feeling they usually do when I’m nervous. “What’d they say?”

“That there was nothing they could do. Wouldn’t even bother to send out a car. Of course, it didn’t help that you gave me the wrong address, that I could only find out your boyfriend’s first name, and that your mom was barely coherent enough to recognize your name.”

Now it feels like my hearts stops beating altogether. “You talked to my mom?”

“Yeah, I didn’t know what else-”

“You had no right, Nathan. You had no right!”

“Lo, I was just trying-”

“No! Just stop! This is my
life
, Nathan! You can’t just go knocking on doors, snooping around. There’s a reason it’s hard to find me!” I yell, out of breath and looking, I’m sure, like a crazy person.

Nathan opens his mouth like he’s going to say something but then stops, the words just there on the tip of his tongue
. When he finally does speak, his eyes waver from mine. “I was worried,” he says, voice soft and low.

“I’m sorry, Nathan. Nothing like that will ever happen again.”
Not in front of you, at least.

“Give me your phone,
” he says, hand outstretched and waiting.

My eyebrows furrow in question. “Why?”

“Just do it, Lo.” His tone is so serious that I find myself digging through my purse and handing him my phone. He starts to type and says, “I’m putting my number and address in here. If you ever,
ever
, need me, call me. I don’t care what day or time it is.” He pushes the phone back into my hand.

“Why are you doing this?”

Now it’s his turn to look confused. “Doing what?”

“Helping me.”

He closes the small distance between us, grabs my face in between his hands. Angles it up so that our eyes meet. I may be tall, but Nathan is taller, which is the last thought that goes through my mind before his lips come within millimeters of mine. “Because I care about you, Logan. I care about you a lot.”

“
But you shouldn’t,” I whisper.

And then he kisses me, his lips leaving feather soft touches across mine. It doesn’t last more than a few seconds, but in those sweet caresses I catch a glimpse of a future with possibility, happiness, love. A future full of bright b
lue eyes and wide mouth smiles. I know it’s too good to be true, but this sweet, simple moment will always be enough.

Nathan pulls back and smiles at me. “Ready to work? Tonight’s Friends Night.”

And just like that, I’m pulled back into reality. Back to the fact that Nathan cannot be mine, that our futures don’t belong together. Clearing my throat, I step away from him and smile back. “I totally forgot. Yay for Tuesday!”

Friends Night is the worst and the best; the worst because drinks are buy one get one free, which means instead of getting two of the same drink for one price, you can pick one drink and get any drink of equal value for one price. It’s twice the amount of work for the bartender but also, at least usually, means twice the amount of tips. That’s the good part.
The bar attendees just have to bring a friend and pay for their drinks all night, essentially meaning they’re paying for their own drinks all night. It gets kind of confusing, actually. But I need the money so I put on my best smile and work the bar like I’m high on coke. It’s entertaining to see how far a smile and wink can go.

“Glad to have you back,” Kaitlin says as she bumps me with her hip. I smile because I like Kaitlin and also to hide the grimace of pain.

“Glad to be back.”

“Where were you, anyways? Nathan seemed pretty worried.”

“I was, um, sick. Like, puking my guts out, sick. And contagious. I didn’t want to bring that shit here.”

Kaitlin throws her head back and laughs. “God, you could have just left it at sick. No mental images necessary.”

Heat creeps up my cheeks. “Sorry.”

We work in silence for a few minutes, straightening out the glasses and bottles. There’s a lull in the rush so the noise level isn’t as deafening as usual. It’s like the calm before the storm and we take the opportunity to get our shit straight.

“He’s a good guy, you know,” Kaitlin says randomly.

I look up to see who she’s talking about, but she’s looking straight at me. “Who?”

“Nathan.” Kaitlin smiles, like’s that’s supposed to clear everything up.

“Um, yeah, he’s really nice. But why are you telling me this?”

“I’ve seen the way he watches you. It’s cute.”

An unflattering snort leaves my mouth. “He does
not
watch me.”

She shrugs her shoulders. “Whatever.”

A sea breeze sweeps through the bar and I look up to see a group of people walk in. My eyes shift from them to the bar across from mine and catch Nathan’s stare. Just like Kaitlin said, he’s watching me. When our eyes meet, I expect him to look away or pretend like he wasn’t blatantly staring, but he just holds my eyes like he wants me to know something. There’s a flutter in my stomach, my heart skips a beat, but I can’t tear my eyes away. I don’t ever want to tear my eyes away.

But
there’s drinks to be served, money to be made, so I sigh and get back to work. As the night wears on, the soreness in my body starts to scream. It takes effort just to breath, to walk. I’m slowing down and I want another hit so badly that I’m almost blind with need. I hate feeling weak, hate asking for favors, but I know that if I don’t call it quits soon that I’ll collapse right here on this nasty floor. As I make my way to Nathan, I practice what I’ll say so that it doesn’t seem like I’m bitching out. He smiles as I approach.

“Nathan, hey,” I start out, “I was thinking, since it’s kinda slow, that maybe I could cut out early?”

“Are you feeling okay?” he asks with concern.

I wave a hand at him. “Oh yeah, I’m fine. Just feeling a little achy still from the flu. I can stay, though, if you need me to.”

Suddenly, he grabs my arm and pulls me further down the bar where it’s quieter. “What’s the matter, Lo?”

“Nothing, Nathan. God. I’m just really tired, that’s all.”

“Are you going back to Danny’s place if you leave here?”

“Um, yes? It’s where I live.”

“Then no, you can’t leave early. The more time you spend away from there, the better.” He snaps his fingers suddenly. “In fact, if you want to come in tomorrow night, I have some paperwork that needs to be done. You can sit in my office all night. And the next night, too. You never have to bartend again. Do you know how to use a computer?”

“Nathan, first of all, stop rambling. And yes, I do know how to use a computer. What do you think I am, a cavewoman? Second of all, I have to go home eventually. If I don’t…” I trail off, not knowing how to finish that sentence without admitting something I’m not ready to admit.

“Shit, Lo. Just stay here, stay with me,” he pleads.

It’s so hard to look away, but I force my eyes to the floor. “So can I go home or not?”

He doesn’t answer at first, but then he lets go of my arm, which I had forgotten he was still holding, and mumbles, “Yeah.”

So I take off, without saying bye to the girls, without turning in my cash out. I just storm out to my car and drive like there’s a fire breathing dragon chasing me. It’s barely midnight and I’m not expecting Danny to be home yet, which means I’ll have time to relax. Maybe watch a movie. Hell, maybe I’ll paint my nails. But then I remember that I don’t own any nail polish and that shit reeks, anyways.
I’m thinking about inventing a good smelling nail polish, something strawberry scented, when I walk into the apartment. Maybe that’s why I don’t notice Danny’s shoes by the door, or another, smaller and decidedly more feminine pair next to his. I’m walking down the hallway to the room when I realize that something’s not right. The trail of clothes that aren’t mine leading to the bedroom finally lights the proverbial bulb over my head, and I swear to God I suddenly see nothing but red.

The doorknob is cold on my palm, but I barely feel it. It swings open with so much force that it sticks to the wall behind it, but I barely hear it. All I see is some ugly bitch climbing out of
my
bed, and
my
boyfriend lying there in all his six pack glory. The girl is scrambling around trying to find her clothes and I can’t help but laugh. It comes out as a chuckle, and then it’s a full-fledged laugh attack. I’m holding my stomach because it hurts to be laughing so hard. Danny slips out of the bed and pulls his boxers on before coming to stand in front of me. He grabs my upper arms, and I think he asks me a question but I can’t hear him because the sound of my laughing is drowning out everything else.

My head snaps to the side and my cheek stings and I realize that he just slapped me.
I find him in bed with someone who isn’t me and
he
slaps
me
. I’m not laughing anymore. “What’s wrong with you?” he spits out.

What
is
wrong with me?
I’ve known all along that Danny wasn’t a monogamous person, that his being with me was more like a dog marking his territory, but to actually see him with someone else should hurt. It should tear me apart. Except that it doesn’t. At first I was mad, because, can’t he have some decency and fuck them somewhere else? But now I have an excuse, a reason to tell him to go fuck himself and pack a bag.

“I’m leaving,” I say bravely, sucking in some air and standing my tallest. I brace myself for another hit, for my world to be sent spinning, but he doesn’t move. Even as I walk out of his grasp and start collecting my things, he just stands there and watches me.

Finally, when I’m in the bathroom grabbing a toothbrush, he asks, “Where are you gunna go, Lo? You have no one.”

“It doesn’t matter. I don’t need you.”

“Yes you fucking do and you know it. You think you can live without me? Without these?” He grabs a pill bottle out of the medicine cabinet and throws it at my feet.

“I don’t know, but trying is a hell of a lot better than staying here with you.”

“You don’t mean that, Lo. I love you.” Now he’s blocking the door, not letting me out of the bathroom. His big black eyes are watching me with disbelief, like he’s actually surprised that I’m leaving. Or hurt.

But I don’t fall for it this time. I just squeeze by him and drop a kiss on his cheek. Old habits die hard. “You don’t love me, not really.”

And then I walk out of the apartment, leaving Danny yelling my name and his fuck buddy sitting on the couch waiting to finish what she started.

March 25, 2009

             
I don’t know what I’m doing here. What I do know is that I should leave, go back to Danny, go back to what I know. Sitting outside of Nathan’s place at three in the morning is the last thing I should be doing. Even though I tell myself this over and over again, I haven’t moved from his front stoop. I feel safe here, at his house in the middle of the suburbs. Which is
not
where I was expecting his house to be. He runs a bar and lives in soccer mom town? Needless to say, I’m confused. As I’m sitting here contemplating how little I really know about him, headlights swoop over me and all of my thoughts float away.

             
The driver’s side door opens and I stand. Then the passenger side door opens and I falter. Who could be with him? The front lights switch on with their movements and I see a girl about my age start walking towards the front door, towards
me
. Just perfect. But Nathan has seen me and he stops, confusion and worry battling on his face.

             
“Logan?” He says my name reverently. Carefully. The girl looks at him, confused, and then follows the line of his eyes. When she sees me, she cocks her head to the side and says,
“Logan?
Like, Logan, Logan?
”

             
Now they’re both staring at me. God, this is awkward. I should probably say something, but my mouth feels as dry as the Sahara desert. Well, I’m assuming that place is dry because I’ve never been there only heard about it in school but that was a long time ago and I could be wrong. It could be one of those deserts that’s not really a desert at all-
Why am I think about deserts?
I shake my head and take a step towards Nathan.