Toxic (Better Than You) (16 page)

             
“I thought we could grab some lunch.”

             
“But we ate breakfast out. Maybe we should just eat back at your house. I can cook us something. You do have food to cook, right?” I know I’m talking too quickly, but I can’t stop the flow of words. It’s like they’re just falling out.

             
“Yeah, I have food to cook.” He narrows his eyes at me. “Are you okay?”

             
“I’m fine. Why? That’s not a very flattering question, you know. Do I not look okay?”

             
“No, you look fine. It’s just…”

             
We stand there as he tries to finish the end of his sentence. Despite the fact that I need to get back to the house, I want to hear what he has to say. For some reason, his opinion matters. His
thoughts
matter. I wish I could hear them.

             
“Just what?” I push.

             
“You know you can tell me anything, right?”

             
No, I can’t. You’ll run. Everyone does.
“Yeah, of course.”

             
He smiles. “Good. Then let’s get back to the house. I’m hungry. And I’m holding you to your word.”

             
Internally, I breathe a sigh of relief. Then I smile back at Nathan and try my damndest to keep my hands steady.

April 3, 2009

             
Dinner at Nathan’s house is different. Full of laughter, full of love, but I’m just on the outside looking in. I make the food, I set the table, I sit at the table, but this is not my family. I haven’t done anything to earn a spot here, or their love. It’s hard to remember that when Joshua begs me to play Call of Duty, or when Emily forces me to go to the mall with her. It’s only been a little over a week and I’m already starting to forget where I came from, who I am.

             
Danny’s been blowing up my phone, one minute telling me how much he loves me and needs me and the next reminding me what a piece of trash I am. It’s confusing, hard to keep up with. I can’t help but feel hurt. After all, he’s the only person I’ve ever been with. He took me in when things got out of control. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t owe him anything. A part of me wonders if it would be better to go back to him, to what I know instead of living in this life that is most definitely not mine. The other part of me says to stay, to stick to the one good thing in my life and pray that Danny never finds out where I am. I’m torn, trying to decide what’s right and what’s wrong.

             
As much as I hate to admit it, I think about Mom every day. I wonder if she’s still using, if Dave’s still around, if Dave hurts her, if she hurts herself, if she thinks about me, if she ever loved me at all. There are times when worry for her consumes me and I want more than anything to forget about her, about the life she gave me. Those are the times that I would give anything for something stronger than a roxie. It’s bad enough that I’ve been rationing them since I got here, only taking two a day. I’m living in a constant state of anxiety.
It’s stress. I’m not addicted,
I tell myself, but I think I’m even starting to doubt that. Maybe I’ll text Sam. Give her a chance to apologize and make it better by filling me up. God knows I don’t have the money to buy it for myself. I’ve almost got enough for an apartment and I’m not going to do anything to fuck with that.

             
Joshua’s laughter interrupts my train of thought, reminds me where I am. Nathan’s watching me, not trying to hide the fact, either. He’s always watching me, like he’s waiting for something. Smiling at him, I turn my attention back to Emily and Joshua who are doing impersonations of some movie I’ve never seen. But it’s funny,
they’re
funny, and I find myself laughing. Feeling happy. Forgetting.

             
I can feel Nathan’s eyes burning into the side of my head, but I ignore him. There’s something going on between us, something that isn’t quite something but definitely more than nothing. Which is why I know that he’s hiding things from me, lying to me. There are nights when he doesn’t come into the bar, but when I get back from my shift, he isn’t here. If I ask him about it, he says he had things to do. But it’s the middle of the night and what
things
can possibly be done then? Isn’t there a saying about nothing good happening after midnight? It scares me to think that he’s got more going, secrets and things I don’t know about. He’s supposed to be the crystal clear part of my life. The one with his head on straight. I don’t think I can handle my problems
and
his problems.

             
But I would. I would take anything and everything he has to offer me and try my best to be worth it. If we weren’t who we are. If I wasn’t Logan with a fucked up things and he wasn’t Nathan with good things.

             
When dinner’s over, we all do our part cleaning the dishes and the kitchen. It’s scary how well we work together, how quickly I fell into their routine. I wash while Joshua dries and Emily boxes up the leftover food. Nathan wipes the table and countertops. It’s all done in less than ten minutes, and since it’s a rare Friday night when none of us has to work, Nathan decides that we should watch a movie. Emily and Joshua agree enthusiastically and take off to pick one out, leaving Nathan and I in the kitchen alone. We stand there staring at each other, the kitchen empty, the silence between us speaking more than words ever could. Car headlights sweep across Nathan’s face from the window behind me. The refrigerator rumbles as ice fills the freezer. Neither of us move. Neither of us speak.

             
It isn’t until the sound of the front door opening reaches us does Nathan tear his attention away from me. It leaves me feeling empty, confusingly so. Like the fact that he notices me makes my life have meaning, significance. I watch as Nathan opens his mouth to say something, maybe to call out to whomever is leaving or coming, but then the door slams and heavy footsteps make their way towards us. I can’t find it in me to look away from Nathan to the entrance of the kitchen where the footsteps have stopped. The way his face changes, from annoyance to pure terror, makes me wonder if I want to know what he’s seeing. I decide I don’t. His panicky blue eyes and tensely set shoulders are all obvious signs that something is not right.

             
“Playing house, Logan?” a voice says from beside me. My insides clench; Danny’s voice is cold and distant. I don’t have to look at him to know that he came here for a fight; a fight he intends on winning. I swallow down the urge to throw up and keep my eyes trained on Nathan’s face whose eyes are still locked on Danny. Slow, sure footsteps make their way towards me and then cold metal touches the nape of my neck. It freezes my heart, my breathing. Sends a surge of dread through my body.

             
“Emily!” Nathan calls calmly, his voice entirely different than his demeanor. “Let’s watch that movie on my TV upstairs!”

             
“Okay!” Emily replies quickly. I can’t help but exhale with relief that she didn’t argue. Their footsteps and laughter fade as they head up the stairs.

When it’s quiet, Nathan takes a small,
tentative step forward. The gun pushes deeper into my flesh. “Stay right there, pretty boy,” Danny warns. Nathan stops in his tracks, his hands clenching into fists by his side. “If you move again, I’ll shoot her in the leg.”

“You don’t wanna hurt her, man,” Nathan says, shaking his head slightly.

Danny laughs, the gun searing into my skin vibrating with the gesture. “You’re wrong. I
do
want to hurt her, which is why you should stay right where you are.”

Nathan lifts his hands in the air in surrender. “I’m not going anywhere. Let’s just talk.”

“I don’t wanna fucking
talk
,” Danny spits out. “I invited you into my circle and then I find out you’re shacking up with my girl?
Fuck you.
” My mind is reeling, his words bouncing around without sense or logic. His arm slips around my waist and turns me into him, chest to chest. Danny’s eyes rove over my face, as if he’s checking to make sure I’m okay. It makes me want to laugh, but I can’t do anything, not even think, and so I stand there limply. Danny’s got his right arm wound around me and his left arm holding a gun to my neck. I’m trapped.

“
Ready to go, Lo?” he asks, his voice telling me that I don’t have a choice. This is my shitty past catching up with me. This is the punishment I deserve for walking away from what was given to me. And I will go back with him, follow him outside of this house and back into reality without a fight because it will keep Nathan safe. It will keep Emily and Joshua safe. They will never witness the kind of darkness that is my life. I’m fucked up for bringing it here in the first place.

I meet Danny’s eyes with renewed confidence, for once determined to do the right thing, and nod. His features relax, the lines between his eyebrows smoothing and the arm crushing me to him softening. The moment the gun falls away from my neck is the same moment that I’m knocked aside, my body falling too fast for my arms to catch me.
My head hits the wall of the breakfast bar before I have any idea what’s going on. A gunshot is fired and I scream. Nathan is telling me to run but I’m glued to the floor. I’m stuck watching helplessly as Nathan and Danny fight on the ground, both scrambling for the gun.

Time slows down. Everything starts to spin. Blackness
seeps into the corner of my vision and I’m tempted to let it take over, to let it make this all disappear. But then warm hands cup my face, bring me back from the in between state I was drifting in. Nathan lifts me into his arms, carries me to the stairs and past Emily and Joshua who has tears on his face. Tears that hurt my heart because I put them there. My body jostles against his as we climb the stairs. The cold doorknob pushes into my leg before the door swings open. Nathan places me gently on the toilet seat, starts the shower. Soon the bathroom is filling up with steam and Nathan is pleading with me to come back. He disappears and then reappears with my bag, goes to leave the bathroom again but glances back at me hesitantly. I know he’s afraid of what I’ll do. I know I should reassure him that I’m fine but I can’t because I’m not.

             
As soon as the door clicks shut behind him, I’m off the toilet seat and on the floor, digging through my bag, holding my breath until my hand closes around the familiar plastic bottle. I exhale and the dizziness disappears, replaced by the sense of comfort only the rattle of pills can bring. Except there’s barely a sound as I pull the bottle out, and I see that it’s because there’s only two pills inside. I rub my forehead, trying to decide what to do. If I take one now and take one tomorrow morning, I’ll have none for work. But if I don’t take one now- I can’t not take one now. I need to be numb. I need to forget. I need more.

             
Sam
.

             
With fumbling fingers, I dig my phone out of my butt pocket and send her a text. Less than a minute later I get a phone call.             

             
“Hey,” she says cautiously.

             
I clear my throat, try to hide the shakiness I can feel in my bones. “Hey, Sam.”

             
“God, Lo, I never thought I’d hear from you again.”

             
“Yeah, well, here I am.”

             
Silence.

             
“I’m sorry, Lo. I’m sorry I didn’t stop him. I didn’t know what to do.”

             
I want to tell her everything, but I don’t. I want to cry, but I can’t. “It’s fine, Sam. I didn’t expect you to get in the middle of that.”

             
“I don’t know if that makes it better or worse.” Her voice sounds tight, like maybe she wants to cry, too.

             
“Anyways, what are you doing tomorrow night?”

             
She sniffs. “I’m, uh, I’m going to a party, but not until late. Why? What’s up?”

             
“Do you maybe wanna come by the bar and hang out? I’m first cut so I shouldn’t be out too late, and then we can go to the party together?”

             
“Yeah,” she exhales loudly, “yeah, that sounds great.”

             
“Alright, great. I’ll see you tomorrow then.”

             
“Lo?”

             
“Yeah, Sam?”

             
“I miss you. I miss us. The way things used to be…before…”

             
“Me too, Sam.”

             
And then I hang up. The tears I was holding back fall, slide down my cheeks, drip onto my hands. I feel so broken, so lost and empty and alone and scared. I shouldn’t have come here to this house, bringing my darkness around Nathan and his family, but I’m selfish. I always was. I needed Nathan’s acceptance of me, and I put everything else aside to reach it.