Toxic (Better Than You) (14 page)

             
“Hey, um, sorry to just show up like this. I’ll leave. I shouldn’t have come,” I say quickly, my feet carrying me towards my car down the street.

             
“Hey, Lo, wait,” Nathan calls after me, but I don’t stop walking. In fact, I pick up my pace. I probably look like a psycho. To say I’m mortified is an understatement.

             
“Logan, damn it, stop running!” And then I’m tackled. The force of Nathan’s body sends me to the ground but he turns us so that I land on top of him instead of the ground. The breath is knocked out of me nonetheless, and I sit there staring up at the starless sky for an inordinate amount of time.

             
“Did you come here for help, Lo?” Nathan asks, both of us still on the ground. I wish I could see his face, because I don’t know if I should admit to or deny his claim.

             
“I didn’t mean to be an inconvenience,” is what I settle with.

             
As if on cue, the girl’s face appears above us. “Nathan? Are you gunna hold her down all night or invite her in?”

             
“I don’t know, this is pretty nice,” Nathan muses.

             
The girl rolls her eyes and grabs my hand, pulling me from Nathan’s warm arms. “Come on. It’s late and I’m sure the neighbors aren’t super happy about this little early morning meeting.”

             
She holds my hand and leads me inside. I throw a look over my shoulder at Nathan, one that hopefully lets him know how utterly and completely confused I am. Who is this girl? Why is she being nice to me? How do they live in such a nice house?
Oh my god, does Nathan still live with his parents?

             
The inside of the house is nicely decorated, with dark furniture and earth toned walls and accents. It’s calming, nothing like a bachelor pad is supposed to look like.
He lives with his parents!
The girl leads me into a kitchen complete with state of the art stainless steel appliances. There’s even a fruit basket on the counter. It’s like I just walked onto the set of some ridiculous family sitcom.

             
A warm hand settles on my back and leads me to a chair at the kitchen bar. Nathan walks to the fridge and pours me a glass of…
is that orange juice?

             
“I’m gunna go let Cora know we’re here,” the girls tells Nathan. He nods his head and she walks away.

             
Who’s Cora? What is going on?
“Nathan, what’s going on? Who is that?” I point over my shoulder. “And who is Cora? And do you live with your parents? I don’t think they’d appreciate my being here.”

             
“That’s my sister Emily, Cora is the babysitter, and no, we do not live with our parents.”

             
Babysitter?? That’s it? No explanation?
“Um, okay, well, thanks for the orange juice,” I say hesitantly, “but I think it’s time for me to go.”

             
“Where are you gunna go, Logan?”
God, does he have to say my name like that? And look at me with those eyes?
But he asked the right question because I have nowhere to go. I open my mouth to answer, but nothing comes out. “You don’t have to go. In fact, I want you to stay.”

             
Now he’s standing in front of me, my knees pushed up against his thighs. I can feel the warmth of him through our clothes. There’s one other thing I would love to feel through our clothes-
Stop!
“I walked in on Danny with another girl,” I throw out, trying to stop my mind from going places it most definitely should not go.

             
“
That’s
what made you leave?” he asks with a smile.

             
“Believe it or not, I do have some self-respect. He can’t do that shit in my bed. It’s disgusting.”

             
“Who can’t do what shit?” a voice asks from the entrance to the kitchen. I spin around quickly and find Emily with another girl who looks the same age. They’re both pretty, Emily with the same coloring and features as Nathan, and the other girl with midnight black hair, olive skin and big black eyes. I suddenly feel very plain.

             
“Nothing, Emily. Stop being so nosy. Thanks again, Cora.” Nathan waves a hand but doesn’t move from in front of me.

             
Emily rolls her eyes and says, “Whatever, Nate,” while Cora says, “No problem, Nathan.”

             
I feel like I’m in some sort of parallel universe. Or like I just walked onto the wrong set and don’t know my lines. What I realize all of the sudden, so quickly that I’m surprised I haven’t thought about it before, is that I haven’t had a hit since before my shift. That should worry me, but for right now, I’m okay.

             
The front door opens and closes with a few barely heard words from Emily and Cora, and then Emily is walking back into the kitchen. Nathan stays quiet, both of us watching her as she roots around in the pantry and comes out with a package of cookies in her hand. When she sees us staring, she stops and looks between us. “What?” she asks, annoyed.

             
Nathan clears his throat. “Do you think maybe we could have some privacy?”

             
“Yeah, you could, if you went somewhere else. This is the kitchen, you have a room. A very big room with a very comfy bed.”

             
“Don’t be immature, Emily.”

             
“Don’t be ridiculous, Nathan.”

             
“Fine. You win.”

             
Nathan grabs my hand and pulls me from the chair, around the corner and up a set of stairs. Down a hall, past several closed doors and into the last room on the left. I should be wondering why we’re in his room, why he’s closing the door, but instead I’m focusing on his hand, how it fits perfectly in mine, how it feels so right to be holding it. His fingers are long and gentle, his palms calloused and rough.
I bet those fingers could do a lot of good things. I bet he could-

             
“Lo? You okay?” he asks as he unclasps our hands. I want to tell him to come back, to never let me go, but I know how stage-five-clinger that sounds. “Does Danny know you’re here?”

             
“No. He has no idea.”

             
“Good, that’s good. You can stay here for as long as you need to.”
What?
I look around the large room, at the four poster bed, the domed ceilings. Into the mirror behind Nathan. Not for long, though, because I don’t like what I see. “I mean, not
here,
here,” he says, indicating the bed. “You can stay in my old room down the hall.”

             
I narrow my eyes at him. “You’re
old
room? Whose room is this?”

             
He sighs and steps back, not meeting my eyes as he says, “It was my parents. They’re…gone.”

             
“Was the bar theirs too?”

             
He nods. “My dad’s.”

             
“I’m sorry,” I offer sincerely. Mom might have been a terrible parent, but at least I had one. Nathan shrugs his shoulders, acting indifferently towards the conversation, but I can see that it bothers him. In the lines of his face, in the way he runs his hands through his hair like he does when he’s upset.
How do I know what he does when he’s upset?
“Um, I need to shower.”

             
“You can use this bathroom. Emily shares the other one with Joshua and it’s probably a disaster.”

             
“Your brother, I’m assuming?” Nathan nods. “How old is he?”

             
“Twelve. We don’t like to leave him alone at night so Cora stays with him when we work.”

             
“How old is Emily? And what does she do?”

             
“She’s twenty, even though she acts like she’s fifteen most of the time. And she bartends at a wine bar down the road from us.”

             
There are so many other questions I have, but I’m slowly being brought back down to earth, feeling the effects of leaving Danny, of not having a hit in a very long time. Nathan and I stare at each other. I’m the one to break the connection, looking down at my shoes. “Anyways, about that shower…”

             
“Right. Go ahead. Do you need clothes?”
Is he offering me his clothes?
“I’m sure Emily has something that would fit you.”

             
“Oh, um, no. I have a bag in my car-”

             
“I’ll go run and grab it. Go ahead and get in and I’ll just leave it by the door.” He starts to turn towards the door but I reach out, grab his arm, stop him. Look directly into his eyes, hoping I can convey how thankful I am.

             
“Thank you, Nathan.”

             
His fingers brush my cheek, push a loose strand of hair behind my ear. “I’m glad you came, Lo.” And then he’s out the door, leaving my skin tingling from his touch.

             
With trembling hands, I rush into the bathroom, turn on the shower. Swing my purse over my head, dig through the pockets until my hand closes around a little glass tube. It’s my last one. I’ll have to crush more. Or just swallow them. Doesn’t really matter. Right now it’s here and it’s what I need so I open it, bring it to my nostril. I’m about to breathe it in when there’s a knock on the door. Even though he can’t see me and there’s no way he knows what I’m doing, I feel like I’ve been caught red-handed. I’m not breathing, not daring to move, just waiting for him to walk away.

Several minutes have passed and I’m sure he’s long gone, but I still snort the powder fast, maybe too fast, and hide the evidence.
Keeping a careful eye on the door, I undress and step into the steaming water. It’s scorching, just the way I like it, and eventually the bathroom becomes so steamy that breathing is difficult. My body feels like a balloon. Maybe the steam will be enough hot air to help me float away. Maybe it’ll be enough to make me forget Danny; how he touched me, hit me, loved me, hurt me. The water runs over me, through me, cleanses me, renews me, but it doesn’t make me forget. Nothing will ever make me forget.

I step out of the shower the same person, if only a little bit higher. There are no sudden epiphanies, no realizations about being better than my situation. If anything, I feel guilty for bringing my filth into Nathan’s already hard life. As I throw o
n jean shorts and a bandeau top, I think about where else I can go. It’s not until my shirt is over my head and my arm through the sleeve holes that I recognize it as Danny’s. And then I laugh because of course I would grab this shirt. It’s my favorite, and as much as I hate to admit it, Danny is as much a part of me as I am of myself. I shake a pill out of the bottle in my bag and slide it under my tongue. Just for good measure.

Nathan’s sitting on the bed facing the door when I come out of the bathroom. He’s out of his work clothes and instead wearing a worn Billabong shirt and jeans. It surprises me how good he looks.
I’m suddenly self-conscious of my little shorts and baggy shirt, afraid that I look disheveled or trashy. But when Nathan’s eyes rake over me slowly, starting at my bare feet and ending at the wet hair piled on the top of my head, I’m self-conscious for a whole different reason. Everywhere his eyes land feels like a gentle caress, leaving shivers running underneath my skin. Suddenly I’m hoping he stands and pushes towards me, pulls me into him, takes what isn’t his but I’d be more than willing to give. Suddenly it doesn’t matter that I’m dark and he’s light.

Nathan clears his throat and drops his eyes.
The moment’s over. “Sorry I took so long,” I say, voice breathy and shaky and so obviously betraying how I feel. “Do you need to shower?”

He shakes his head. “I used the other bathroom.” He stands and walks toward
me, hands in his pockets and meets my eyes. “Are you hungry?”

Yes
, I mean to say but instead say nothing at all. I can’t function when he’s this close to me. I still can’t think of anything but undressing him and letting him make me feel.

“I know this really cool place,” he says, and
walks out of the room. It takes a minute before I follow him down the stairs, out of the house, to his car. It’s different than following Danny. It’s different than anything I know because for the first time, I’m doing something I
want
to do. I know I’m still the same fucked up girl. I know that life cannot get easier for me, but in this very moment, riding in the car with Nathan as the sun threatens to light up the sky, I feel happy.

March 25, 2009

             
“So how did you meet him?”

             
“I don’t wanna talk about him.”