Read Toxic (Better Than You) Online
Authors: Raquel Valldeperas
After wiping my eyes, I pop open the pill bottle and slide a roxie under my tongue. Close my eyes and savor the flavor. Then I
strip and step into the shower, the hot water prickling against my skin. The sensation slowly melts away as the roxie takes over my senses and blocks out the world. I’m sufficiently numb, barely here at all, and so I get out and dress and walk back downstairs. And I walk right into the perfect family moment. Nathan is sitting on the couch between Emily and Joshua, each of them tucked protectively under his arms. He’s comforting them, reminding them that they are safe and that
he
is safe. That nothing will ever hurt them.
Including me.
I don’t belong here. It’s more apparent now than it ever was. I’m the evil, the danger that Nathan wants to protect them from. I can bring them nothing but fear, offer them nothing but hardships.
With that realization, I turn back towards the stairs, trip on the first one in my haste to run away. Nathan calls my name but I don’t turn or respond. I run up the stairs and into his room to grab my bag. I’m in the middle of stuffing my things into it when his strong hands grab my arms and still my frantic motions.
“Lo,” he whispers, and the softness in his voice makes tears gather in my eyes. They fall and splash against his hands, carve a path on his skin as they roll to the ground. Nathan pushes my bag to the side and pulls me into him, cradling me. The feel of his lips against my skin threatens to make me forget that it’s wrong, that
we’re
wrong. But he doesn’t stop and I don’t tell him to. Soon I’m straddling him and his lips are on my lips and there’s no room for right or wrong or thinking or breathing.
Nathan pulls away, rubs a thumb across my cheek, stares deeply into my eyes. “I won’t let him hurt you,” he says.
I won’t let him hurt
you, I think back. But my thoughts are cut short as Nathan brings his lips back to mine. After a few minutes, he stops and pulls me to my feet and into the room. Reaches for the hem of my shirt and pushes it over my head and onto the floor. I open my mouth to protest and he brings his down to my collarbone.
“Let me help you forget,” he whispers against my skin. I melt. I melt into him because it is exactly what I want. To forget Danny and what he’s done to me, to forget
who I am, who I’m supposed to be.
“I don’t know if this is right,” he says in between the gentle kisses he’s dropping along my bare neck and shoulders. My heart beats hard. I try to keep my chest from rising and falling so quickly, so obviously, but it’s a pointless effort. Instead of walking away like I know I should, I let him place me on the bed and cover me with his body, the length of him pressing against me.
“Tell me
you want this,” he demands, looking into my eyes. His emotions are written across his face. His wants and desires so visible that I feel myself wanting and desiring the same, despite myself. Still, I don’t say a word, just hold his stare and hope that he understands that I want him, too.
His mouth crashes onto mine, so different than the
kisses we shared just moments before. This one is urgent, desperate. One of his hands is anchored by my head while the other grips my waist, his fingers digging into the soft part just above my ass. His lips leave my mouth and I moan, embarrassingly enough, as he trails his kisses down my jaw and neck and chest. He stops at the top of my bra and looks at me.
“Should I stop?”
He’s letting me call the shots, letting me be in control. I think I love him for it. “I don’t…I’ve never…”
Nathan’s eyebrows shoot up and
he lifts his weight off of me, his arms holding him up on either side of my body. “You’ve never what?”
I sigh.
This isn’t what I want to talk about. “I’ve never done this with anyone but
him
.”
“Ever?”
“I’ve been with him since I was fifteen. No one else.”
His jaw clenches. “
Fifteen?
”
I shrug my shoulders.
I don’t want to remember just when I’ve been told to forget. As if reading my mind, Nathan drops his head, nuzzles into my neck. “Let me love you.”
Before I can wonder at his words, at what they mean or could mean or don’t m
ean, he’s kissing me again, his lips leaving a trail of fire everywhere they go. His fingers skim my bare stomach and hip and then back as he lifts me and unclasps my bra. At first I’m too aware of my body and the fact that it’s bare, that my scars are on display, but his eyes move over me hungrily and then his lips follow. He kisses every mark and any reservations I had disappear. It’s my turn to pull his shirt off and my eyes widen in surprise. I trace my fingers over each defined muscle on his stomach, over his chest, down his shoulders and arms. He’s beautiful.
“Where did they come from?” he asks softly, his lips against
the darkest scar on my stomach.
My eyes close and my body bows against him. “My mom, myself, accidents.
Depends which ones you’re talking about,” I answer absent-mindedly. I’m not thinking about scars, inside or out. Right now I can only feel him.
I don’t give him a chance to respond, to pity me, just pull his lips to m
ine and hope he can feel what I need. His hands roam over me, imploring, exploring, restoring. I feel like I’m spinning, soaring, rising on the highest high. And Nathan’s right there with me. I am not alone. Our bodies are so tightly intertwined that there’s no more room for words, for thoughts. He pushes and I bend, he gives and I take. I’m not afraid to move with him, to let him love me. There’s nowhere else I’d rather be. For the first time in years, I wish I was completely sober.
The first few minutes after he leaves my body and we’re lying there wrapped up in the aftermath, I feel satisfied, complete. But then the absence of him starts to seep into every part of me and
the emptiness takes over. I can feel the pieces of us start to unravel, revealing the weight of what we’ve done and the reality of how it will end. How it always ends. How it
needs
to end. His arm around my waist is suddenly too heavy, anchoring me to the place that will always remind me of how selfish I am. I should have walked away. I shouldn’t have let him love me. I’m broken and I can’t be fixed. I turn to stand, but Nathan tightens his grip, holds down.
“Stay,” he whispers into my neck,
and because I’m selfish, I do. This has to be our last night together, the first and last time I will ever feel him like this, and I’ll be damned if I don’t feel it for just a little longer.
It seems like hours pass before either of us speaks. “Will you ever tell me about yourself?”
I think about his question. Actually think about telling him everything; about Mom, Melissa, Sam, Danny, the drugs, the mistakes, the regrets. Memories flash by, so quickly that I can’t tell when one starts and another ends. It’s just a preview of the shitiness of my life, but I want so badly to tell him. Maybe I can start with something small, something that’s been eating away at me since the night it happened.
“
Sam and I were driving home from a party one night. She had just gotten her license. This girl Sophia was in the back seat, passed out on god knows what. She was Sam’s neighbor so I tolerated her, but she always talked too much. One of those girls that has to one up you and claims to know everything. Anyways, Sam had been drinking but I didn’t think anything of it at the time. Danny had just..” I trail off, catching myself before spilling another bag of beans. I’m not ready to talk about that. “Um, we just had too much to drink and next thing I know, we’re lying there covered in blood. It felt like it was forever before I could move. I start freaking out and Sam tells me we can’t call 911.
Not yet,
she said. Then she asked me to help move Sophia to the front seat.”
I pause, letting those words sink in, giving Nathan a chance to stop me from continuing. But he doesn’t.
I can’t decide if that’s a bad thing or a good thing. “I didn’t know what to do. Sam was my best friend, my
only
friend. So I helped her. When the police came we were sitting against the car. We told them we were afraid to move Sophia. I was in so much pain but didn’t realize it, I guess because of the adrenaline. I ended up having to have surgery. Internal bleeding or something.” I point to the scar for this story.
Nathan grabs the hand I’m using to point at my stomach and bring it up to his lips. Kisses it sweetly, gently. “I’m sorry you had to make a decision like that.”
It’s not what I was expecting him to say. It’s so much better. Tears fill my eyes. I feel him shift and then he’s leaning over me. “Look at me, Lo.” So I do. The look in his eyes makes the tears fall. I’m anticipating a lecture about choices or blame, but he leans down and kisses me. It’s so simple yet so perfect. Sweet and gentle and apologetic and sincere. It’s everything I need.
He’s
everything I need
.
But I can’t have him.
I force a yawn to hide the sob begging to break free. Nathan settles down next to me, pulling me close into his warmth. As if he hasn’t surprised me enough tonight, he starts to hum a song, something deep and sweet, and I fall asleep wrapped in everything that’s good.
April 4, 2009
The sun filters in through the slats of the blinds, bright and orange, but that’s not what wakes me up. I’m disoriented, confused as to where I am and why I’m awake. I start to panic, suddenly thinking about Danny and what will happen if he comes back. There’s no doubt in my mind that he’ll hurt them to get to me. I can’t let that happen. My hands tremble as I slide out of the bed and pull a shirt over my head. A shirt that I picked up off the floor. Where it landed after Nathan pulled it off.
Nathan
.
He’s there on the other side of the bed, still asleep. The blankets are bunched up around his hips, one leg under and one leg out. His chest rises and falls steadily. I don’t know how long I stand there watching him, but eventually I can breathe normally. Quietly, I grab my towel from the chair and sneak out of the room. From the stillness of the house, I assume I’m the only one awake. It’s eerie, walking down the hall in this half-lit house. I can’t help but wonder what it was like to grow up here, with siblings and parents and family pictures on the walls.
I’m just about to grab the knob on the bathroom door when it flies open and Emily steps out in a cloud of steam. She stops and eyes me from head to toe. Smiles cautiously. “You okay?”
Even with her hair wet and no makeup on, Emily is a beautiful girl. Her light hair and light eyes shine with something I can’t really describe. And the fact that she’s asking if
I’m
okay… “I’m fine. Are you?”
She looks down at her bare feet and so do I. Wiggles her pastel purple painted toes. “I thought for sure…” she trails off. “I’m okay. I’m just glad you and Nathan are okay. I don’t know what we’d do without him.”
I start to shake my head, at my stupidity, at my selfishness. “I’m sorry I brought that here. I didn’t think-”
Emily’s head snaps up and her crystal blue eyes meet mine. “Don’t do that. Don’t blame yourself. I can see what you’re doing and you’re going to drown in it.” And then she walks away. Down the hall and back into her room, closing the door softly. I watch until she’s gone and then I walk into the bathroom, my mind so far away from the here and now.
I shower quickly, determined to leave before Nathan realizes I’m gone, but when I sneak back into the room, Nathan is sitting up in bed, his back to me. He’s got his head bent, hands in his hair. Whatever he’s thinking about is weighing on him heavily. I’m considering walking back out of the door, leaving my stuff where it is and running, but he turns suddenly and smiles at me. “Hey, what are you doing sneaking around?”
“I thought you were still sleeping. I didn’t want to wake you.” I sit next to him on the bed, still wrapped in my towel. “You okay?”
“Yeah, I’m fine.” He runs a finger across my collarbone, sweeps the hair away from my shoulder. “What are your plans for today?”
I suppress a shiver. It’s hard to think when he touches me. It’s hard to remember that I’m leaving and never coming back. “I just have work tonight, and then a party with Sam.”
He sits up suddenly. “A party? With Sam?”
“Yes?” I saw wearily. “Why?”
“Um, I was thinking that maybe you should be last cut tonight. You know, make more money.”
“I can’t. I already told her to meet me at the bar so we could go together.”
Nathan sighs, rubs his face. “I don’t think it’s a good idea for you to go to a party, Lo.”
“What? Why? What does it matter?” It’s like there’s something on the tip of his tongue but he doesn’t know if he should say it. But then he looks at me and I know I’m not going to like what he’s about to say.