Trust Me (Beggar's Choice #2) (31 page)

I change quickly into a bright
pink sundress and pair it with burnt orange ballet pumps. The pink looks good
against my skin which is now a lovely golden brown. I put on minimal make up
and some nude lip gloss and brush my hair into a loose side bun. Grabbing my
bag I slide my sunglasses on and make my way outside where with good timing my
driver Kyle is waiting for me. He’s a good looking man in his 30’s who drives
part time while he attends auditions for anything and everything, and I slide
into the front as has become our custom. He’s got a vanilla latte waiting for
me and I pick up his script.

“Am I testing you on this today?”
I ask, brandishing the script.

“If you can. It’s for a Netflix
commissioned drama,” he says, pulling smoothly out into traffic.

Traffic is moving fast and we’ve
been motoring along for a while as he acts out his scenes for me and I sip my
coffee, when suddenly I hear the announcer introducing the new single from
Beggar’s Choice called ‘If Only’. I’m struck dumb when Sid’s voice comes onto
the radio and then I dimly remember Cameron saying something about Sid fronting
a couple of their new numbers. The song is haunting and utterly beautiful, and
Kyle and I remain silent as we listen to him sing about lost chances and
memories, happiness and loss, and a girl that he can’t forget. However, the
thing that actually strikes me dumb is that the tune is the one that he used to
hum to me when we were in bed together. Finally it finishes and Kyle sighs.

“That was different. I like it,
although it’s quite sad.”

“I know.” I reach surreptitiously
under my glasses to brush away the tears hovering on my lashes. I have just
raised my cup to sip my coffee when everything seems to happen in slow motion.
Ahead there’s a screeching of brakes and dozens of brake lights appear like
fireflies, as two cars swerve and collide together with a screech of metal like
dodgem cars.

Kyle exclaims and reaches his
hand out to try and shield me, and then there’s a terrific bang and the car
lurches sideways like a horse shying, and I gasp as I feel hot coffee scald my
legs. There’s a muted
thwap
as Kyle’s air bag explodes and I have a
clear second to wonder when mine is coming and then there’s a bigger bump, a
grating rending of metal and then something hits my head hard. Pain explodes in
my side like red lightening and then mercifully darkness falls.

Sid

I’m slumped on a settee in a
warehouse in North London when I feel Seth slide in next to me. “What?” I ask
morosely, eyeing the people setting up for the video shoot for the new single.
Worryingly they’re setting up a bed, and I wrack my brain to see if I can
remember the details of this shoot so that I know what I’m in for. I hope it’s
not fucking artistic writhing around on a bed with a model because I’m really
not in any sort of mood for that. I also don’t think that I quite look the part
at the moment, and I absentmindedly stroke the rough beard that I’m rocking
lately.

I become aware that Seth is still
sitting there and I wonder how long I zoned out for this time. “Yes, can I help
you?” I say brusquely and wince. I really need to start talking to people
better, particularly Seth who could hurt me if he was so inclined. Luckily he
doesn’t look like he’s taken offence. Instead he looks nervous.

“How are you doing?” he asks and
I grimace. “Okay, okay,” he’s talking quickly now. “The boys and I had a
discussion and then we voted, and as a majority we think that you should look
at this.”

“What is it?” I ask cautiously,
looking at the iPad he’s proffering. “It’s not porn again is it, because I told
Bram that it doesn’t help with all of life’s problems, but he won’t fucking
listen.”

“It’s not porn,” he says quickly,
and I think he mutters under his breath that he wishes it was, but I dismiss
the thought.

“Well what is it then?”

“Cameron sent it to Charlie,” he
begins slowly, and before I can think about it I’ve snatched the iPad off him
quicker than a fat kid taking a bar of chocolate. “Whoa whoa,” he mutters.
“Wait until you see it.”

“See what? Is it Nell? Is she
okay? He’d better not be sleeping with her.” I’m so anxious I can’t get my
words out quickly enough, and I’m almost stuttering.

“Take it easy,” he says calmly.
“He’s not sleeping with her so calm down. If you think about it for a minute
you’d know that because he’s been sending you bulletins about how she is all
along.”

“How do you know that?”

“One - because he sends them to
Charlie as well, and two - because it’s the only point in the day that you
fucking cheer up.”

“Fuck off,” I say absentmindedly,
cradling the iPad carefully. “So what is this?”

“It’s some studio footage that he
shot the other week. He didn’t send it to you because he didn’t know whether
you wanted to see it or not, given the current state of affairs.”

“Why wouldn’t I? I ask him every
day how she is.”

“I know, but he thinks what Nell
thinks, in that you got tired of her and fucked her off.”

“So why would I bother getting
him to tell me how she is?”

 “He thinks that you feel
guilty, and he’s leaning towards the opinion that you should.”

“She’s getting to him.”

“Of course she is Sid. She’s a
beautiful, warm woman. If he doesn’t fall for her I’d be surprised.”

I become aware that I’m gripping
the iPad too tightly and relax my fingers. “He’d better not touch her,” I say
hotly.

“Sid, if he does what can you do?
You set her free mate. I know you didn’t want to but you still did it.”

“I did it for her.”

“I know Sid, I know, and we all
know that it hurt you to do it. That’s why we didn’t know whether this would
just be salt in the wound or not. Anyway, have a look if you want to.” He pats
me on the shoulder and wanders off and I swipe my hand across the screen. A
video comes up instantly, paused on a shot of what I know is Cameron’s studio.

I hesitate and then press play
and watch as the camera pans slightly jerkily across the studio, zooming over
various technicians fiddling with the controls on the massive recording deck.
Music is playing and then I hear her, that beautiful, clear, warm voice, and I
shiver because it’s as if she’s come up behind me and stroked her finger down
my spine. For a second I close my eyes tightly, wishing so much that she was
here next to me, that warm orange, vanilla scent of her filling my nostrils,
and the warmth of her against my skin. Then I open them quickly, fearful of
missing even a second of her, and then the camera turns and there she is, and I
blink because she looks almost radiant.

She’s in a booth, headphones on
and singing her heart out, and I pause the video just staring at her. She’s
wearing a short, grey shirt dress with orange ballet pumps and her legs are
lithe and tanned. Her hair is longer and she’s gone brunette now, which I
recall from looking at footage of her from a few years ago on one of my mammoth
cyber stalking sessions, is her natural colour. It’s a rich brown colour with
red running through it and it suits her, highlighting the golden tan of her
skin and making her green eyes seem almost golden.

Joy fills me at the same time as
despair. Joy because somewhere in the world she’s existing and she’s happy and
productive and healthy. Despair because she’s not with me and never will be
again. It’s only on my second minute of obsessively analysing her appearance
that I note the signs of strain. She’s lost the much needed weight that she
gained when I was with her and constantly feeding her. Now, she’s a lot thinner
and it shows in her hollowed cheekbones, and I wonder if anyone concerns
themselves with her health, or if she’s alone again. There are dark shadows
under her eyes and her full lips are drawn in slightly as if she’s under some
great strain.

I reach out my hand and trace my
fingers over her lips, distantly noting that my fingers are shaking, and then I
press play watching her finish her song and curtsey mockingly at the applause,
remembering so clearly how she’d done that at her audition. How can someone
that I met less than a year ago have such an effect on the rest of my life?

The video finishes and I watch it
again and then again until movement alerts me to the fact that the rest of the
boys are standing watching me, and I feel my cheeks redden. Attack is the best
form of defence so I instantly snap. “What the fuck? It’s like being in London
Zoo. Haven’t you fuckers got anything better to do?”

Ignoring me Seth settles back
down on the settee, while Charlie and Bram take an arm each.

“You okay mate?” Charlie asks.

“Will everyone just stop fucking
asking me that. I’m fine and no, I’m not using, if
fine
is actually now
a euphemism in our world for being high.” That was uncalled for and I open my
mouth to apologise when I see him flinch, but Seth forestalls me.

“So let me get this straight.
You’re at the lowest you’ve ever been, right? You look terrible. You’ve been
wearing those clothes for at least three days, and you smell.”

“Fuck me. If this is an
intervention you lot should really practise your bedside manners.”

“Answer the question.”

“Yes Seth, I am currently at rock
bottom. Happy now?”

“Actually yes!”

“
What
?”

“I’m happy because you’ve hit
rock bottom and you haven’t relapsed at all. If ever you were going back on the
gear it would be now when you feel so bad wouldn’t it?”

“Well hooray for me. Perhaps you
could buy me a medal.”

“I’ll do one better than that my
friend. I’ll ask you a question instead, and I want you to think really hard
before you give me an answer. If you’re not relapsing when you’re without Nell,
why the fuck would you do it when you’re with her?”

This stops me dead for a second
and then I slump. “I’m not good for her Seth, I’ve said this so many times.
Like I said to Charlie maybe this is my reparation, and if she’s happy and
healthy it’s worth it.”

He reaches over and taps the
freeze frame of her face. “And she looks happy does she? Granted she’s cleaner
and better put together than you which isn’t difficult.” I flip him the finger
and he smiles, but becomes serious again. “If you look closely at that photo
Sid you’ll see that the two of you look like twins. You’ve both lost weight,
dark shadows under your eyes. She’s not happy.” He pauses and then turns fully
to me. “Have you ever considered that rather than being your chance at
reparation she was actually your reward?” I stare at him silently but he
carries on regardless. “You’re a good man Sid. You couldn’t hurt Leah, and I
know full well that you’re paying for her rehab. What makes you think that
you’d hurt Nell when you love her a million times more than you ever did Leah?
Would you die for her?”

“Without a second’s thought,” is
my instant response, but I’m struck dumb by his next words.

“Why won’t you be brave enough to
live for her then Sid?”

Silence falls and I see Charlie
nod emphatically. “You know he’s right Sid,” he says and I do. It’s a
blindingly simple revelation that I wish I’d had a month ago, but perhaps I
needed to go through this in order to trust myself enough with her.

“I’m going to her,” I say
suddenly, and Charlie grins. At this point his phone rings and he pats me on
the shoulder, wandering off to take the call. Seth, Bram and I stare at each
other. Bram opens his mouth to say who knows what, but he’s interrupted by the
strident tones of our new manager Anita. I’d taken the greatest pleasure in
getting rid of Bill when we got back off tour. Anita had come highly
recommended and we’d actually known her for quite a few years. Fiftyish, she’s
a tiny bundle of energy with black bobbed hair, scarlet lipstick and an
extremely caustic attitude. She comes marching over, displeasure written all
over her face.

“Oh no! Who gave this sad dipshit
that video? Boys we discussed this.” Bram and Seth look like little boys for a
second, and then Seth rallies, bravely, in my opinion.

“Anita, he needed to watch this.”

“Yes, and when he’s done
wallowing in angst I’ll lend him my Ladyshave and he can trim the vagina that
he appears to be growing.” Both men gasp like schoolgirls, and I can’t help it
and let out a laugh. “Now for the love of God we need to be filming something
so one of you move.”

Bram stands up reluctantly like a
lamb to the slaughter. “I’ll do it but you’re not touching my chest or my junk
again Anita. It makes my skin crawl.”

She cackles and the two of them
smile at each other in perfect accord. “I can’t promise that Bramley I’m
afraid. It’s the only perk of this godforsaken fucking job.”

They wander off and I look up at
Seth. “I’m going mate. I’m sorry but I need to go now and get her.”

“I know,” he says patting my
shoulder. “You get off. We’ll square it with Anita.” The pair of us wince in
tandem and then smile at each other.

“Thank you. Thanks for waking me
up,” I say softly, and he shrugs embarrassed.

“No need Sid. You’d do it for
me.”

“I will do it.” I stand up and
stretch. “I think I’ll go home first and shower before I do anything else
though.”

He laughs. “Think that might be a
good idea,” he smirks and then his smile dies as Charlie approaches us still
clutching his phone, his face white.

“What’s happened?” I say quickly.
“Charlie, is it Mabe?”

He swallows. “It’s not Mabe. Sid
…” He trails off and I turn to him feeling cold run through me.

“Is it Nell, Charlie?” I ask
through numb lips and then feel my world fall apart as he nods.

“Sid, there’s been an accident.”

Whenever I’ve seen people wake up
after an accident in hospital dramas they’ve inevitably emerged serene, with their
makeup immaculate and either a good grasp of what has just happened, or total
amnesia. Well, I can tell you that it was nothing like that for me. I emerged
jerkily and at intervals, with flashes of consciousness followed by darkness
again.

It reminds me of taking my
swimming exams in school when one of the last tasks was to jump into the pool
in my pyjamas and retrieve a brick from the bottom – yes a brick. I’d voiced my
protestations beforehand, those being why would I be outside in my pyjamas
unless I was sleepwalking, and if I was sleepwalking why would I wish to rescue
a brick? Needless to say my sadist of a swimming teacher had pushed me in and I
remember it most for being underneath the water on the bottom of the pool
looking up at the light dancing on the water, seeing vague figures and hearing
their distant shouts and yet being totally weighed down by that bloody brick.

This is just how I feel when I
wake for the first time. I know I’m conscious but it’s like I’m in a cloud, and
I can’t open my eyes no matter how hard I try. For a minute I can’t recall what
has happened and then with a sharp flash I remember the cars screeching and the
bang. I was in a car accident. My whole body feels heavy and for a split second
because of the absence of pain I actually think I’m dead, but then I hear the
beeps of some sort of machinery and a low, familiar voice muttering beyond the
blur and I realise that I must be in a hospital.

I don’t know how long I lie there
but eventually the words start to make sense, and I realise with a shock that
it’s Sid, although his voice sounds different, almost thick sounding.

“Nell, come on now love. Enough
is enough, it’s time to wake up.”
Typical
I think fuzzily.
I’m in a coma
and he’s still bossing me around
, but then he goes on and my flare of
humour dies. “Come on baby please, I can’t stand to see you like this. Please
just wake up.” I hear what sounds like a sniff and then wetness hits my hand
which is encased by a solid weight, and I realise with shock that he’s crying.
My hard, stern boy is crying, and I want so much to help him, but as if I’m on
a time limit for consciousness everything goes dark again.

When I wake up next I can feel
light dancing on my eyelids, but try as I might I still can’t open my eyes or
move my body. For a horrifying moment I wonder whether I’m paralyzed, but my
fuzzy mind can’t seem to grab onto ideas and I float for a second in my cocoon.
The machines are still beeping away in their hypnotic rhythm and then shadows
pass black over my eyelids and I hear a voice which after several seconds I
realise is Charlie’s. “Come on mate, you’ve got to eat and at the very least
shower. You’ve been in here for a week and I haven’t seen you change clothing yet.”

A week - my God I can’t believe
I’ve been out for that length of time. I’ve never passed out before, unless you
count that time I had all that scrumpy cider at Glastonbury, and I’d only
managed fifteen minutes of unconsciousness then.

Sid’s voice brings me back to the
present and I cling to the low, husky tones like a life raft when I can’t
concentrate on anything else. “I’m not leaving Charlie, not until she wakes
up.”

There’s a pause. “Sid, we don’t
know when she’s going to wake up.” Undercutting his words I hear the unspoken
if
she wakes up
and I think Sid does too because I feel a hand take mine and
hold it tight.
Don’t
leave
me
I cry out silently,
frightened now.

“She
is
going to wake up,”
he says in a harsh, cold voice. “Even if I have to rout out every specialist in
the business, she’s going to wake up and I’m not fucking leaving until she
does.”

“Okay mate,” Charlie says
tenderly. “But at least let me get you some food because you’re going to be too
ill to look after her when she wakes up if you don’t eat.”

There’s a pause. “Okay,” and I
hear the reluctance. “But I’m not leaving the room. She needs me to talk to
her, you heard what Doctor Pacely said, and I’m not letting go of her hand
because it helps for her to feel touch.”

“I get that Sid but perhaps you
could have a shower too. Otherwise we might have to get her a gas mask. I
happen to know that there’s a very plush shower in this five star room that
you’ve got her in. You’re not going far, just in the next room eh?”

“I will but only when you get
back. I’m not leaving her on her own for a second Charlie, ever. She’s had
enough of that in her fucking life.” I hear him sniff and then Charlie says ‘
Sid’
in the gentlest voice that I’ve ever heard him use, and then the stifled sound
of weeping. “It’s my fault,” Sid says fiercely. “She wouldn’t be here if it
wasn’t for me.”

“No, no mate you only did it for
her. It was in her best interests you said.”

Inside I’ve stiffened because
with the force of a tornado I’ve remembered why I was in LA in the first place,
and images flicker with dismal regularity across my mind. Sid leaving me in the
hotel room, telling me not to love him, kissing that woman and then throwing me
out. For a second I actually wish for unconsciousness to come back, but then
they’re talking again.

“It
was
in her best
interests. You know what happened with her brother. I couldn’t put her through
that again.” He knows about my brother. I freeze for a second and clarity
descends like a flash flood. I know now what Bill did and I know why Sid was so
cruel.

“Sid, you’re such a fucking
pessimist sometimes. It doesn’t have to be that way and you know it.”

“I know it
now
but what if
it’s too late?”

“It’s not too late mate. You’ve
just got to hold onto your girl’s hand and keep believing. Now I’m going to get
you some food.”

Silence descends and I drift away
tethered only by that firm hand on mine and his voice, as if in truth he is
really keeping me in this body as he seems to believe. Then I hear Charlie’s
voice again. “I’ve got you something truly, fucking horrific to eat and your
bag’s down there. Mabe packed it for you. Have a long shower, and for fuck’s
sake shave that bloody beard off and use deodorant. You look and smell like a
fucking tramp and Nell won’t recognise you when she wakes up.”

“Okay, but here hold her hand
like this. You can feel her pulse that way.”

“Sid, there are at least five
very scary machines that are doing that at the moment. What makes you feel that
you know better?”

“I don’t know. I just know that I
feel better when I’m holding onto her. Take the piss but I feel a bit like
she’s a fucking kite and if I let go of the string she’ll float away.”

Charlie sounds unbearably
touched, and I know that he’s smiling the smile that he reserves only for Sid
and Mabe. “Okay Sid I’ll hold onto your kite for you. She’s safe with me, now
please shower before I throw up in my mouth.” There’s the sound of movement and
then a door shutting.

Charlie sighs and it’s such a
heavy, weary sound. “Nell,” he says low, and inside I jump because it’s almost
as if he knows that I can hear him.
I’m here
I want to shout but still
nothing happens. “Nell I hope to fuck you can hear me, and I feel really stupid
doing this as if someone with a camera is going to jump out at me, but if it
keeps Sid happy and is doing you some good then I’ll do it forever. Please wake
up sweetheart. I know things ended badly between the two of you, but God he
loves you so much. He’s not an easy person but Jesus when he loves it’s a thing
of beauty because he gives all of himself. Only problem in the past is that the
women he chose didn’t deserve even a little bit of him, but
you
, you
deserve all of it.” He pauses and sighs again. “I’ve never been so happy this
tour you know? Finally, my family was coming together. I’d got Mabe and I’d
finally got my Sid back, and that’s solely down to you honey. You gave him back
himself because he loves you. He loves you so much and I know what he did was
shit, but you’ve got to understand that he did it from the purest of motives.
All he wanted was for you to be happy, and he saw a way for that to happen and
he took it at a great cost to himself. He’s been a wreck this last month, but
he always knew where you were and how you were, and babe he was coming to get
you. It’s just that you picked that moment to hurl yourself around in a car.” I
feel a shudder run through the hand holding mine. “Nell, you are possibly the
only woman that I will ever entrust my brother to, and that’s because I’ve
watched you these last few months, and I know that you love him as much, if not
more than me. I need you to wake up baby. Please wake up because if something
happens to you I can’t see him coming back from that. He won’t have a reason to
do it, and I can’t lose both of you.”

I can hear the real distress in
his voice and I want so much to wake up and tell him to trust Sid because he’s
stronger than Charlie or he realises, but the darkness oozes up again and takes
me under.

I don’t know how long I drift for
this time. Occasionally I rise up and hear voices and feel strange hands
touching me, the scratching of pen on paper and I can smell the sharp tang of
antiseptic, but always constantly that hard, warm hand with the long musician’s
fingers stays on my hand, holding my string so that when I drift, I do it in a
vague, secure way.

I don’t know how long this lasts
for but suddenly I rise up and something is different. I can hear Sid’s voice
pitched loudly, demanding to know how long this is going to last for, and a
stranger who I presume is a doctor. “Mr Hudson, we’re gradually reducing the
medication and she’s off the ventilator and breathing freely, so I anticipate
it being soon, but obviously I can’t be precise. Injuries such as Miss Slater
has can be contrary things, and while one person may wake fairly rapidly, others
will stay sleeping.” I feel someone and I’m hoping that it’s Sid, kiss my hand.

“She always did have trouble
getting up,” he says in a choked voice, and I’m sure that I hear Bram’s voice
say something low in the background. They go on talking and I try as I normally
do to move. I want so much to talk to him, and to my utter astonishment my
eyelids flutter for once and at my inner command they slowly open.

The light is utterly blinding at
first and I close them rapidly, but just as quickly try to open them again. Sid
and the doctor are still talking earnestly in the background, but suddenly my
eyes focus and the first thing that I see are Bram’s hazel eyes peering
incredulously at me.

“Sid!” he hisses.

“In a minute mate, we’re just
going over this again.” I hear the doctor sigh and it makes me want to laugh –
my persistent man.

“No mate, you need to see this.”

“In a
minute
.” I can
actually hear his irritation.

“Oh, okay then, no rush.” Bram is
pretending to be nonchalant but there’s a thread of excitement running through
his voice. “It’s just that I think your woman is trying to wink at me. I knew
she secretly felt something for me.”

“
What
?” There’s the sound
of urgent movement followed by an ‘ouch’ from Bram, and then Sid is bending
over me, his blue eyes flaming brightly in a very tired face. “Nell,” he says
frantically. “Nelly, sweetheart it’s me.”

I really want to roll my eyes and
say d’oh. I’d also like to tell you that I gave a fine, dramatic speech full of
tenderness and meaning. Instead pain seems to rush through me like a train,
culminating in my head which feels like it’s going to explode, and all I
actually manage to say is a weak sounding, “It hurts.”

“I know baby, I know. It’ll get
better,” he says urgently, making way for the doctor.

“Hello Nell I’m very pleased to
see you,” he says calmly, removing my arm from Sid’s clasp and raising my wrist
to feel my pulse. “You’ve had a lot of people very worried about you.”

“My head hurts so much,” I
mumble, feeling like my tongue is too big for my mouth.

I hear Sid mutter ‘fuck’ and Bram
telling him to calm down, but the doctor reaches forward and pushes something
on the bed, and almost instantly a warm feeling runs through me, obliterating
the pain and making me feel like I’m sitting in a warm bath of tea.

“Nothing to worry about. I’d be
surprised if it didn’t. I’ve just given you something to kill the pain.”

“Sleepy,” I murmur and I feel the
dark closing in on me again.

Sid says something that I can’t
understand which sounds extremely panicked, but the doctor responds calmly.
“It’s fine Mr Hudson. This is a normal sleep now. She’s woken up properly so
let her sleep for now because it will be a healing sleep.”

When I wake up again I open my
eyes fully without even having to will myself to do it. The room is dark now
apart from the glow of a nightlight and very quiet, so I presume that it’s
night time. I lie still for a second trying to work out whether if I move that
awful pain is going to come back, but although my head does still hurt it’s more
manageable now.

My hand is resting on something
soft and looking down I see Sid asleep in an awkward position, sitting in a
chair but slumped forward with his head next to me on the bed. The ever present
hand is there tethering my arm to his, and it looks very much like he put my
hand in his hair himself, and I ache that he felt the need for such comfort.

I lie for a while letting him
sleep and enjoying the opportunity to see him so unguarded. He’s always such an
active man with such a fierce concentration that it’s strange to see it
missing. He looks much younger, his long eyelashes lying on his cheeks, but
he’s a lot thinner than when I saw him last with hollowed cheekbones and a
mouth that’s drawn tight with what looks like pain even in his sleep. His hair
is longer and I experimentally turn my hand letting my fingers drift through
the shaggy waves and smelling the familiar sweet scent of his shampoo.