Uncle John’s 24-Karat Gold Bathroom Reader® (22 page)

A day after the 9/11 attacks on the World Trade Center, Jackson reportedly received a call from a well-connected friend in Saudi Arabia telling him that that was just the beginning—New York would continue to be bombarded by terrorist assaults. Jackson believed his friend and sprang into action. Yelling down the hall of his hotel (he’d rented out the entire floor), he ordered everybody out, including his entire entourage and Brando.

Jackson then released his staff to find safety on their own. He and Brando, meanwhile, purportedly called Taylor, who was staying in a different hotel, and met up with her. That’s when things got weird. For some reason, the trio believed that it wasn’t America that was under attack—they thought that because they were internationally famous American icons,
they
were the targets.

KENTUCKY-FRIED 8

They hatched a plan to flee. They couldn’t fly—all planes were grounded in the days after 9/11, and not even these three could get permission for a private jet—so they decided to escape New York in a rental car. The plan: drive directly to Jackson’s home in Southern California. Three days later, they’d traveled 535 miles, as far as Ohio, and by that time, planes were flying again, so the road trip was called off. The lasting legacy, according to friends of Taylor: She and Jackson grew closer on the trip, bonding over their common irritation with Brando’s insistence on stopping at nearly every KFC and Burger King they passed on the highway.

It takes 6 months to produce an episode of
The Simpsons
. An episode of
South Park
: 5 days.

ON SECOND THOUGHT

After Elizabeth Taylor died in 2011, this road trip story was relayed by hundreds of magazines and blogs after first being shared by
Vanity Fair
. It sounded extremely far-fetched, but it seemed like it could have been true. After all, weird things can occur in the wake of a tragedy. But the fact of the matter is that the road trip didn’t happen. Why?
Vanity Fair
’s sources for the story are highly suspect. While Taylor’s loyal personal assistant of 25 years, Tim Mendelson, shared the story with
Vanity Fair
, it was first told in the 2004 edition of J. Randy Taraborrelli’s book
Michael Jackson—The Magic and the Madness
. Taraborrelli was a close friend of Jackson’s...as well as his personal, authorized biographer. He was charged with spreading stories, whether true or not, that made his client look good.

A HOLE-Y STORY

There are several other factors that cast doubt on the likelihood of the adventure. For one, Jackson, Taylor, and Brando weren’t all that close. Brando didn’t introduce Jackson at the Madison Square Garden for free; he was paid $1 million to do it. As for Taylor, she and Jackson
had
been friends for years, but they’d had a rift in the late 1990s, reportedly over Taylor’s discomfort with Jackson’s “sleep-overs” with children. Still, Jackson wanted her at the shows, so he gave her what she asked for: a $660,000 diamond necklace.

It also would have been difficult for Taylor to be in Ohio in the days after 9/11 because she was repeatedly spotted in New York City during the post-9/11 recovery effort. Several media reports and photographs count Taylor among the celebrities who reported to Ground Zero to help out and talk with first responders. As for Jackson, he was accounted for, too: He and his children stayed with friends for two weeks in Franklin Lakes, New Jersey. Then he chartered a flight home.

Tough, but dumb: South African giant bullfrogs occasionally attack lions.

STRANGE CELEBRITY
LAWSUITS

Step 1: Get famous. Step 2: Get a lawyer
.

T
HE PLAINTIFF:
Richelle Olson, a charity organizer from Palmdale, California
THE DEFENDANT:
Sacha Baron Cohen, star of the movies
Borat
and
Brüno

THE LAWSUIT:
In 2007 Cohen was filming
Brüno
, a mockumentary in which the British comic plays a gay Austrian fashion reporter and puts himself into real situations and interacts with real—and unwitting—people. Olson had never heard of Cohen or his alter-ego Brüno. She knew only that a celebrity was scheduled to call the numbers at a bingo game for the elderly she was organizing. Cohen, the celebrity bingo caller, arrived provocatively dressed as Brüno and “used profanity and sexual innuendo.” Aghast, Olson tried to take away his microphone. Cohen, claimed Olson, fought her, and in the scuffle she fell on the floor and hit her head. Cohen’s camera crew then attacked her “to intentionally create a dramatic emotional response,” from which she suffered two “brain bleeds” and lost the ability to walk. She sought $25,000. After the defense showed video of the incident that proved neither Cohen nor his crew ever touched Olson, she changed her story to say that she had been “emotionally attacked,” which is actually what caused her to fall and hit her head.

THE VERDICT:
Judges don’t like it when litigants change their story. Olson not only lost the case, she was ordered to pay Cohen’s court costs, $17,000. The bingo scene was cut from the final film.

THE PLAINTIFF:
1980s New Wave band Devo

THE DEFENDANT:
McDonald’s restaurants

THE LAWSUIT:
Who knew Devo’s red “Energy Dome” hats were copyrighted? McDonald’s apparently didn’t...until the band tried to sue the company in 2008. Reason for the suit: Devo was upset about a Happy Meal toy that promoted Fox’s
American Idol
. The toys included Disco Dave, Country Clay, Rockin’ Riley, Soulful Selma, and the subject of this lawsuit, New Wave Nigel, who wears a Devo-style red hat that looks like a futuristic flower pot. According to Devo member Jerry Casale, “They didn’t ask us for permission. Plus, we don’t like McDonald’s or
American Idol
, so we’re doubly offended.” He added that it’s “ironic” that a giant corporation would use a hat that was designed to “mock industrial and consumer culture.”

Over 60% of all home computers are infected with malicious software, or “malware.”

THE VERDICT:
The suit was dropped...by Devo. In a 2009 interview, Casale said he wasn’t allowed to talk about the case, but then added, “McDonald’s was so frightening with the legal process that I realized how true power works: What they say goes.”

THE PLAINTIFF:
Lindsay Lohan, actress and former child star

THE DEFENDANT:
E-Trade Financial Corp.

THE LAWSUIT:
E-Trade’s popular ad campaign features babies who talk like adults about how easy it is to trade stocks online. In its 2010 Super Bowl commercial, seen by 100 million people, a male baby is arguing with a female baby over another female baby named Lindsay, who is called a “milkaholic.” The ad aired at a time when Lohan’s struggles with substance abuse were well-covered in the tabloids. Lohan accused E-Trade of capitalizing on her “infamy” without her permission. Her lawyer said, “These babies weren’t just cute babies but were actually portraying Lohan and her friends.” An E-Trade official called the suit “without merit,” adding that there are “a lot of people named Lindsay.”
THE VERDICT:
Despite what the company said, it was pretty obvious to all concerned that E-Trade was in fact referencing Lohan. The case was settled out of court, and although it wasn’t reported how much Lohan received from E-Trade, her publicist said she was “very happy” with the amount.

4 REAL SCHOOL NAMES

Butts Road Primary School

Goodenough College

Universidad de Moron

Pansy Kidd Middle School

Like father, like son: John Wilkes Booth’s father sent a death threat to Pres. Andrew Jackson.

BATHROOM FINDS

If you’re reading this in the bathroom right now, look carefully around the room. There may be something very valuable within reach, and we’re not just talking about this fabulous book in your hands...
.

F
ound in the bathroom:
A Chinese brush pot
what it was doing there:
Holding toothbrushes
Story:
Gordon Murray was a pretty savvy antiques collector. He’d started buying antiques as a boy in Aberdeen, Scotland, in the 1950s, and even owned his own shop. Still, even he slipped up now and again. For example, he ran across a small unremarkable Chinese brush pot, used by scribes to hold their writing implements. Not knowing what else to do with it, he put it in the bathroom and used it as a
tooth
brush holder, where it did service for years. In 2010 Murray decided to put some of his curio collection up for auction, and tossed his Chinese pot into the mix, figuring it was good for maybe a few hundred dollars. He was way off. Buyers kept bidding the price up...and up...and up. How much did Murray’s antique toothbrush holder ultimately bring? £30,000 ($49,000).

Found in the bathroom:
A diamond

What it was doing there:
Hiding

Story:
In 2007 guards at Theo Branch Jail in Orange, California, removed a drain screen in the prisoners’ shower and found a 2-karat diamond. They weren’t surprised: A prisoner told them they’d find it there. And the prisoner, Bret Langford, knew what he was talking about: He was in prison on suspicion of stealing it.

The story begins two years earlier. Langford matched the description of a guy who, according to the owner of a mall jewelry store, strolled into his store and grabbed the $25,000 diamond, then dashed out. When police searched Langford’s car, they discovered the diamond’s certificate of authenticity stuffed inside the gas tank flap. They assumed they’d find the diamond, too—maybe in the gas tank—but the search revealed nothing. It turned out that when the cops pulled him over, Langford had swallowed the diamond, and after he was taken to jail, he regurgitated it. During the following 10 months, he’d played a cat-and-mouth game, keeping the diamond tucked in the layers of his prison wristband and swallowing it whenever he knew he was going to be searched. One day, however, as Langford was preparing for a shower, guards staged a surprise inspection, allowing him just enough time to toss the gem into a shower stall, where it rolled right into the drain.

Scientists have discovered how to make diamonds out of tequila.

As with many things in a prison, the drain was very securely attached to the floor, and after 14 months Langford realized he’d never be able to retrieve the diamond. But maybe he could use it to make a deal for a lesser penalty in his upcoming trial and avoid a “Three Strikes” sentence of 25 years to life for his third conviction. (At 18, he’d been convicted of stealing $250,000 worth of gold from the dental supply house he worked for; not long after that, he was convicted of domestic violence.)

Langford, now offering his services to the government, claimed that the owner of the jewelry shop owed him $75,000 and that he’d taken the loose diamond as partial payment. When the store’s video-surveillance footage didn’t support the police’s grab-and-dash scenario, the district attorney cut a deal: Tell them where to find the diamond and get a reduction on the charges. Langford sang, the jeweler got his diamond back, and the judge sentenced Langford to time already served.

Found in the bathroom:
A very rare book

What it was doing there:
Bathroom reading

Story:
In 1859 naturalist Charles Darwin published his ground-breaking
On the Origin of Species
after decades of observation and reflection on the process of evolution and natural selection. His publisher, John Murray III, cautiously printed only 1,250 copies. Although understandable, considering that the cover price was 15 shillings (the equivalent of $83 in today’s money), his reticence was unwarranted: Buyers depleted the publisher’s entire stock within a few days. Fast-forward to 2009. A man, fresh from a commemorative exhibit of the book’s 150th anniversary, stepped into his father-in-law’s bathroom and perused a shelf stocked with an assortment of bathroom reading. His heart nearly stopped when he saw a familiar cover and discovered that his wife’s dad owned one of Darwin’s first editions. He asked how his father-in-law had gotten it and why it was in the loo. The man shrugged, saying he bought it for a few shillings in a rural used bookstore back in the 1950s. They immediately took it to Christie’s auction house, and were stunned to find out that the few shillings purchase was now worth “maybe as much as 60,000 pounds” (about $100,000). But even the experts at Christie’s were stunned when the bathroom book brought in nearly twice that. (One more surprise: The word “evolution” never appears in the first edition. Darwin didn’t use the term until he revised the text for its sixth printing, in 1872.)