Uncle John’s 24-Karat Gold Bathroom Reader® (19 page)

Read Uncle John’s 24-Karat Gold Bathroom Reader® Online

Authors: Bathroom Readers’ Institute

BOOK: Uncle John’s 24-Karat Gold Bathroom Reader®

9.06Mb size Format: txt, pdf, ePub

RON HUBER (1945–2004)

Claim to Fame:
First person to die in a Segway accident

Details:
Huber, a vintage race car restorer who lived in Scottsdale, Arizona, was in Las Vegas for a go-kart race when he hopped on one of the two-wheeled, self-balancing electric vehicles and took it for a spin. He was only traveling about 5 mph when he fell off the Segway, struck his head on the pavement, and died.

Note:
The second Segway fatality was James Heselden, the
owner
of the Segway company. In 2010 he was riding his Segway around his estate in Yorkshire, England, when he backed it off a footpath to make way for a neighbor walking his dog. Heselden lost control of the Segway and plunged off a 40-foot cliff into the river below.

WILLIE FRANCIS (1929–47)

Claim to Fame:
First inmate to go to the electric chair
twice

Details:
Francis, an African American living in St. Martinville, Louisiana, was only 16 when he was convicted by an all-white jury of murdering the town pharmacist, who was also white. The first attempt to electrocute him failed; the guard and inmate responsible for wiring up “Gruesome Gertie,” the state’s electric chair, were drunk and botched the job. Francis’ lawyers went to court to block the second execution attempt, arguing that it was unconstitutional to execute Francis for the same crime twice, not to mention cruel and unusual punishment. They fought the case all the way to the U.S. Supreme Court, which ruled against Francis. On May 9, 1947, Francis was strapped into Gruesome Gertie a second time and electrocuted again. This time it worked.

Twelve American presidents owned slaves, 8 while serving as president.

FAMILY FEUD:
ADIDAS VS. PUMA

Here’s the strange story of a family-owned business so dysfunctional that business schools teach it as a lesson in how
not
to run a company
.

F
OOT SOLDIER
Not long after the end of World War I in 1918, an 18-year-old German soldier named Adolf Dassler returned to his hometown of Herzogenaurach, in northern Bavaria. Shoemaking was the biggest industry in the area, so it was no surprise when he decided to become a cobbler.

Dassler started small, working in an empty laundry shed behind his parents’ house. There he constructed his first shoes—work shoes—out of leather scraps salvaged from wartime army helmets and other gear. His interest soon turned to athletic footwear. An inveterate tinkerer, he made his first sports shoes for his friends. But as his designs improved, his reputation spread beyond Herzogenaurach, and he soon had more work than he could manage by himself. In 1923 his boisterous older brother Rudolf joined the business. “Rudi” handled sales while “Adi” made the shoes. In 1924 they formalized their partnership by founding the Dassler Brothers Shoe Company. Two years after that, they moved their growing business into a factory on the other side of town.

PARTY POOPERS

When Hitler seized power in 1933, Adi and Rudolf joined the Nazi Party. They certainly benefited from Hitler’s use of sports as a propaganda tool, but they weren’t the most dedicated of party members, something that became clear during the 1936 Summer Olympics, held in Berlin. Hitler intended the Olympics to serve as a showcase for the Nazi doctrine of Aryan racial superiority, but all the Dasslers cared about was getting Jesse Owens, the famous
African
-American track-and-field star, to wear Dassler Brothers shoes in the games. He did, and won four gold medals. Owens’s victories gave the company its first international exposure. Soon athletes from all over Europe began making their way to tiny Herzogenaurach whenever they passed through Germany, to get a pair of Dassler Brothers shoes.

Legendary Notre Dame football coach Knute Rockne had his team’s locker room painted an angry red, and the visitors’ locker room a soothing blue.

CAIN AND ADI

The brothers really had very little in common: Adi loved nothing more than to sit at his workbench and tinker with his shoes. Rudi, on the other hand, was a people person, but also short-tempered and loudmouthed. Their personalities complemented each other during the early years of the business. But as Germany moved closer to war in the late 1930s, their relationship became strained, made worse by the fact that they, their wives, their children, their parents, and their other siblings all lived together under the same roof in a villa in Herzogenaurach.

In December 1940, Adi was called up for military service, but he managed to get an exemption after just three months in uniform, perhaps with help from Rudi, who may have pulled strings from Herzogenaurach. If so, that probably made Rudi all the more bitter when
he
was called up for military service in 1943 and couldn’t get out of it. He was convinced that Adi and his wife, Käthe, had schemed to get him sent to the front so that Adi could have the business to himself. Rudi retaliated by trying to get the factory shut down so that Adi would also be sent to the front, but he failed.

OH, BROTHER

In early 1945 Rudi deserted his post in Poland, fleeing just ahead of the advancing Russian army. He returned to Herzogenaurach, where a doctor friend declared him unfit for military service due to a frozen foot, but he was soon arrested by the Gestapo for desertion. He blamed that on Adi, too. There may actually have been some truth to Rudi’s belief that Adi was out to get him, because not long after Rudi was released by the Gestapo, he was arrested by the Allies, this time on suspicion of working
for
the Gestapo. According to the report filed by the American investigating officer, both Adi and Käthe told investigators that Rudi had worked for the Gestapo. Result: Rudi spent a year in a POW camp. How did Adi spend the year? Rebuilding Dassler Brothers by selling athletic shoes to American GIs eager to buy the same kind of shoes that Jesse Owens had worn.

PAYBACK

Rudi retaliated in the summer of 1946, when Adi was hauled before the local denazification committee. Had Adi been classified as a
Belasteter
, or “profiteer,” he could have lost control of Dassler Brothers—in which case Rudi might have been appointed to run the company—or he could have been stripped of ownership entirely.

Rudi appeared before the committee and did his best to paint Adi in a bad light, in the hope of assuming sole control of Dassler Brothers. And then he rejoined his wife and children under the same roof as Adi and his family. But not in the villa: That had been seized by the American occupation forces, who would be living in it until further notice. For the time being, Rudi and his family, and Adi and his family, and their widowed mother, and their other siblings, would all squat together in makeshift accommodations in a Dassler Brothers shoe factory. All the while, the brothers battled each other in public for control of the company.

SPLITSVILLE

Adi beat the rap in November 1946, when the denazification committee classified him as a
Mitläufer
, a “follower,” or a Nazi who had not actively contributed to the party or profited from his association with it. He would not be barred from running Dassler Brothers.

But by that time neither of the brothers believed they could work together, so they decided to split the company in two. Rudi took the first step, moving his family and his mother (who sided with him) to new lodgings on the other side of the Aurach river, which runs through Herzogenaurach. He and Adi spent the next year and a half dividing the Dassler Brothers assets between themselves. Adi named his new company after himself, combining the first three letters of his first and last names to get
Adidas
. Rudi took two letters from his first and last names to get “Ruda.” Then he decided that Ruda sounded pudgy and un-athletic, so he changed his company’s name to the more powerful-sounding
Puma
.

Neither brother may have realized it at the time, but the Dassler family feud was just getting started.

For Part II of the story, turn to
page 352
.

They gave us the bird: Chickens were first domesticated in Vietnam about 10,000 years ago.

ODD SCHOLARSHIPS

The bad news: College is more expensive than ever. The good news: There are a lot of scholarships—and some really
weird
scholarships—to help soften the financial blow
.

G
rant:
The David Letterman Scholarship
Scholarship amount:
$10,000
Details:
Students majoring or minoring in telecommunications at Ball State University in Indiana (Letterman’s home state) are eligible for this scholarship. They must prepare a creative project: written, filmed, or audiotaped. The winner is selected solely on creativity. Grades don’t matter at all, a stipulation Letterman made himself because he never got good grades.

Grant:
FBI Common Knowledge Challenge

Scholarship amount:
$1,000

Details:
Any current college student can register to take this annual FBI-trivia quiz about the agency’s history and procedures. Students are then sent the quiz along with a list of links to FBI websites that they can “investigate” to find the answers. The four students who score the highest each year get a scholarship.

Grant:
Patrick Kerr Skateboard Scholarship

Scholarship amount:
$5,000

Details:
This award is given out by the family of Patrick Kerr, a 15-year-old boy who died in 2002 while he was skateboarding and ran into a truck. To qualify, entrants have to write essays telling how “skateboarding has been a positive influence” in their lives, along with demonstrating how they promoted skateboarding in their community. The winner gets $5,000; runners-up get $1,000 each, provided by Mountain Dew and the Tony Hawk Foundation.

Grant:
Bernard Steur Scholarship

Scholarship amount:
$1,000

Details:
Most scholarship applications require a written essay or a list of relevant work or volunteer experience. This scholarship for Philadelphia University textile engineering students calls for applicants to submit an article of clothing they’ve designed and knitted themselves, made entirely out of wool. Strangely, the grant’s namesake, Steuer, had few ties to the textile industry—he was a painter.

First U.S. product sold wrapped in cellophane: Whitman’s Candies.

Grant:
Van Valkenburg Memorial Scholarship

Scholarship amount:
$1,000

Details:
Members of the Van Valkenburg family first came to the New World in 1644 and lived in New Amsterdam, present-day New York. In the 1970s, their descendants established a foundation that awards a scholarship to a student who has contributed positively to the Van Valkenburg family legacy (they have to write an essay proving it). Entrants must have the last name Van Valkenburg or a variation of it—Van Valkanburg, for example.

Other name-related scholarships:
Texas A&M University has a scholarship for people named Scarpinato, and Loyola University in Chicago offers a full ride to a Catholic student named Zolp.

Grant:
The Klingon Language Institute Scholarship

Scholarship amount:
$500

Details:
First of all, yes, there’s an organization devoted to the appreciation and propagation of the made-up language from the
Star Trek
TV shows and movies (founded in 1992, or stardate 45493.9). And second, it will subsidize the education of a student who studies languages or linguistics. More good news: It can be
any
language program. (Although enrolling in a college that has a Klingon program—if you can find one—probably wouldn’t hurt.)

Grant:
Duck Brand Duct Tape Stuck on Prom Scholarship

Scholarship amount:
$10,000 per couple

Details:
Duck is a major manufacturer of duct tape—that incredibly sticky, durable, colored tape with a variety of uses, including, it would seem, making clothes. The high-school couple who makes the most creative his-and-hers formal dance ensembles out of Duck’s duct tape (other materials can be incorporated into the garments) wins big. Entries are judged on workmanship, creativity, use of color, and how much Duck Tape you use.