Uncle John’s 24-Karat Gold Bathroom Reader® (29 page)

“Is
that
a joke?” I asked.

“Shh!” she said, holding the Joker vertically in the palm of her hand, her thumb on one side of the card and three fingers on the other. She picked a paper cup off the table and set it on top of the card. It sat there like it was nailed into place. How’d she do that?

In one day in Mumbai, India, you’ll breathe in as many toxins as there are in 50 cigarettes.

FUNKY JUNK FOOD

Who says food that’s bad for you can’t be creative?

T
HE HOLE STORY
Among the first items available when the Portland, Oregon-based Voodoo Doughnut chain opened in 2003: a Pepto-Bismol flavored doughnut and a cherry-Nyquil-frosted doughnut. (The FDA forced the founders, Kenneth Pogson and Tres Shannon, to remove them from the menu because it’s illegal to sell medicine as food.) Their other creations include Frisbee-sized doughnuts, Cap’n Crunch-coated doughnuts, Red Bull-glazed doughnuts, and doughnuts with playfully dirty names like “the Triple Chocolate Penetration”—a chocolate cake doughnut topped with Coco Puffs and drizzled with chocolate sauce.

HOT DOG!

Hot dogs are a common street food in New York City. Some of the city’s most unique dogs come from Brian Shebairo and Chris Antista’s Crif Dogs. The “Good Morning” is a hot dog wrapped in bacon and covered in cheese and a fried egg. There’s the “Tsunami,” a bacon-wrapped hot dog topped with teriyaki sauce and pineapple; the “Jon-Jon Deragon,” with cream cheese, scallions, and everything-bagel seeds; and the “Chihuahua,” with bacon, sour cream, and avocado. Junk food bonus: Most of the hot dogs are deep-fried.

THE FRYIN’ KING

For the past decade, Abel Gonzales Jr. has been one of the most popular vendors at the Texas State Fair, where he sells inventive deep-fried foods. Among his creations (which win “Best in Show” nearly ever year) are deep-fried cookie dough, deep-fried Coke (balls of batter made primarily from Coca-Cola), fried chocolate (a brownie stuffed with white chocolate, cherries, and pecans, then dipped into chocolate cake batter and friend), deep-fried butter, and deep-fried peanut butter, banana, and bacon sandwiches. Gonzales also sells deep-fried pineapple topped with banana-flavored whipped cream that’s frozen in nitrogen—when you bite into it, it shatters and sends banana-scented smoke up your nose.

Hot dogs take more than 20 years to break down in landfills.

SCI-FI TREASURES

Ever find yourself looking for a good book to read? It happens to us all the time, so we decided to offer a few recommendations in one of our favorite genres: science fiction. These novels might not be household names, but they’re all classics in their own right—imaginative, clever, and great reading
.

L
IVES OF THE MONSTER DOGS
(1997) by Kirsten Bakis

Review:
“An army of civilized, talking dogs—the dream of a mad Prussian scientist—descends on Manhattan after having slaughtered their masters. Although the novel addresses big themes, parts are laugh-out-loud funny. The book unfolds like a rich, resonant dream that you can’t stop thinking about the following day.” (
The New York Times)

ENDER’S GAME
(1985) by Orson Scott Card

Review:
“Earth has been invaded twice by aliens, so the army embarks on a program to breed the ultimate military genius and attack the aliens’ home world. Six-year-old Ender Wiggins may be the person they’re looking for. But how can they manipulate a compassionate child into wiping out an entire species? Deeply emotional and character-driven, brilliantly intellectual, and exciting as all get-out.” (Common Sense Media)

THE MOUNT
(2002) by Carol Emshwiller

Review:
“This quiet, disturbing novel is about what happens when small alien invaders called Hoots take over Earth and begin breeding humans for transportation. Hoots have weak legs that fit perfectly around human necks, as well as superior weapons that easily convert the disobedient to dust. What’s compelling about this beautifully written novel, though, is that it’s no simple ‘aliens oppress humans’ tale. It explores what happens when humans get used to, and even enjoy, their servitude.” (
io9.com
)

GATEWAY
(1977) by Frederik Pohl

Review:
“Like
The Treasure of Sierra Madre
expanded to galactic proportions,
Gateway
tells the story of prospectors searching for hidden riches in remote and dangerous locales. Gateway, a pear-shaped rock in space, is the last safe outpost before the prospectors head off into the unknown. Some come back rich, but most wind up in a black hole or some other ugly cosmic disaster zone from which they never return. Smartly paced and written with just the right touch of parody and light humor,
Gateway
swept the major honors, winning the Hugo and Nebula awards.” (
ConceptualFiction.com
)

Not that it helped: The
Titanic
’s whistles could be heard from 11 miles away.

THE DARK BEYOND THE STARS
(1991) by Frank Robinson

Review:
“Sparrow is a crew member on the
Astron
, a multigenerational ship sent out from Earth on a 2,000-year search for other inhabited worlds. After a series of accidents, during which he loses his memory, Sparrow decides that someone is trying to kill him. He’s plunged into an ever-deepening mystery; no one will discuss his past with him, the computer has restricted his data, and the little he does discover about his history leads only to further secrets. Robinson plants plenty of clues for the reader, scattering them skillfully amid exciting action and dialogue.” (
Publishers Weekly
)

ALL FLESH IS GRASS
(1965) by Clifford D. Simak

Review:
“A first-contact story with the most unlikely of ambassadors: Brad Carter, a failed real estate agent in Millville, the archetypal small town where nothing ever happens. But when aliens (who communicate via purple flowers) place a barrier around Millville, preventing travel into or out of the town, nuclear annihilation looms from an increasingly fearful outside world, while unrest brews among the terrified locals. It’s a unique story that’s both familiar and utterly alien at the same time.” (The Nebulog)

THE MAN IN THE HIGH CASTLE
(1962) by Philip K. Dick

Review:
“In an alternate version of the 1960s in which the Axis powers won World War II, what was once the United States has been partitioned into the Nazi-run East and the Japanese-run West. The Japanese overlords are totalitarian but honorable, and many have a penchant for collecting old U.S. memorabilia—Civil War pistols, 1920s comic books, and the like. Meanwhile, the Germans have landed astronauts on Mars, drained the Mediterranean for farmland, and have almost entirely liquidated the African population in an extension of the ‘final solution.’ Dick’s use of detail to sketch out his alternate reality is nearly flawless.” (Infinity Plus)

The US Coast Guard used to have trained search-and-rescue pigeons. Success rate: 93%.

FIVE THINGS YOU
SHOULD NEVER DO IN
A FOREIGN COUNTRY

In the United States, you don’t place the American flag on the ground. Similar rules of decorum apply in foreign lands...or else
.

1. Never order a “Black and Tan” in a pub in Ireland.

A Black and Tan, typically served in a pint glass, is a combination of English ale and Irish stout. While any bartender in America would be happy to prepare one for you without batting an eye, don’t even think about ordering one in Ireland. When poured together, the two beers refuse to mix (the stout floats on top of the ale)—which serves as a metaphor for the bitterness that still simmers between Ireland and the United Kingdom. “Black and Tan” was also a derogatory term for members of the Royal Irish Constabulary Reserve Force, a black-and-khaki-clad English brigade sent to suppress Irish rebels in the 1920s.

2. Never shake hands with your left hand in Saudi Arabia.

According to Islamic tradition, the prophet Muhammad commanded people to eat and drink with their right hand only. “The
Shayatan
[a demon] eats with his left and drinks with his left hand,” he wrote. The rule still applies in Muslim areas, such as Saudi Arabia, Malaysia, and parts of Northern Africa. The left hand is considered “unhygienic” since it’s typically used to clean oneself after using the bathroom, especially in rural areas where toilet paper can be hard to come by. For the same reason, it’s also considered rude to eat with the left hand or gesture towards others with it.

3. Never place a business card in your back pocket in Japan.

Japan applies rigid traditions to everything from the placement of chopsticks after eating rice to how elderly people should be greeted at the dinner table. Similarly staunch etiquette is applied when exchanging business cards—they should be stored in card holders and must be given and accepted with both hands. If you receive one, you’re expected to immediately look it over and admire it. During meetings, the card should be placed respectfully on the table in front of you. Afterward, it should be carefully stored in a holder and never, ever, placed in a back pocket or written on.

Over easy: A mother hen turns her egg nearly 50 times a day.

4. Never ask for a “fanny pack” in Australia.

In Australia, “fanny” is a slang term for female genitals. The touristy belt bag Americans call a “fanny pack” is usually called a “bum bag” in Australia. Additionally, avoid telling an Australian what sports teams you “root” for back home—“root” is a vulgar term for sexual intercourse, equatable with the F-word. (And if you’re fed a nice meal, don’t say you’re “stuffed” at the end, as in Australia that means “sexually satisfied.”)

5. Never wear a #24 football jersey in Brazil

The number 24 is negatively associated with homosexuality in Brazil. Giving a gift with that number on it (for example, a DVD box set of the Kiefer Sutherland TV series
24
) might lead to a fist-fight if the receiver is sensitive about such matters. The roots of this taboo lie in an illegal but still popular lottery game called
Jogo do Bicho
(“the animal game”), typically organized by local crime gangs. Cards used in the game feature drawings of 25 animals, with deer as the 24th on the list. In Brazilian culture, deer are pejoratively associated with homosexuals. Males born on the 24th day of the month are often subjected to jokes and taunts. Athletes also avoid putting the number on their jerseys.

BOSTON’S FAVORITE CITY: ST. LOUIS

• The Boston Celtics won their first NBA championship in 1957. They defeated the St. Louis Hawks.

• The New England Patriots won their first Super Bowl in 2002. They defeated the St. Louis Rams.

• The Boston Red Sox won their first World Series in 86 years in 2004. They defeated the St. Louis Cardinals.

Warner Brothers Corset Company’s claim to fame: creating the bra-cup sizing system (1935).

JINGLE FEVER

You might not hear them as much anymore, but songs from commercials are a serious part of the soundtrack of pop culture. Here are the stories behind some of the most famous ones
.

P
roduct:
Folgers Coffee
Jingle:
“The best part of wakin’ up / is Folgers in your cup”
Story:
Singer Leslie Pearl had one minor hit in 1982—“If the Love Fits Wear It,” which hit #28 on the pop chart. After that, she moved into songwriting. Among her compositions are “You Never Gave Up On Me,” a Top-5 country hit for Crystal Gayle; and “Girls Can Get It,” a Top-40 hit for Dr. Hook & the Medicine Show. After that, Pearl moved into jingle writing. In 1984 she wrote the most-played and most-famous song of her career: a jingle for Folgers canned coffee. It’s been used in ads for more than 25 years, making it one of the longest-running jingles of all time.

Product:
Old Spice aftershave

Jingle:
Whistling

Story:
Since the mid-1990s, Old Spice commercials have used just six whistled notes, but that six-note melody was originally the ending of an earlier jingle called “The Old Spice Sea Chanty,” written in 1953 and used for decades. (Sample lyrics: “‘Old Spice means quality,’ said the Captain to the Bosun / Ask for the package with the ship that sails the ocean.”) Veteran jingle writer Ginger Johnson borrowed the melody from an old Scottish bagpipe folk song called “Scotland the Brave.” The whistling was performed by jazz musician Jean “Toots” Thielemans, who also provided the whistling in the theme song of
The Andy Griffith Show
and played the harmonica on the
Sesame Street
theme song.