Uncle John’s 24-Karat Gold Bathroom Reader® (30 page)

Product:
Oscar Mayer wieners

Jingle:
“I wish I were an Oscar Mayer wiener...”

How about you? Approximately 80% of babies are born with at least one birthmark.

Story:
Richard Trentlage was a struggling songwriter in 1963, when he heard about a jingle contest being held by Oscar Mayer. Contestants composed original jingles for Oscar Mayer hot dogs; the winner’s song would be used in commercials. Unfortunately, Trentlage found out about the contest only the day before entries were due. Fortunately, it took him just a few minutes (on a banjo-ukulele) to write: “Oh, I wish I were an Oscar Mayer wiener / that is what I’d truly like to be / ’Cause if I were an Oscar Mayer wiener / everyone would be in love with me.” Trentlage won, of course; his jingle is still in use.

Product:
Tootsie Roll

Jingle:
“The world looks mighty good to me / ’cause Tootsie Rolls are all I see...”

Story:
In 1976 a 13-year-old boy and his 9-year-old sister were hired to sing the Tootsie Roll tune. They weren’t professional singers—their parents were friends of the jingle’s writer. It took an entire day to record the song at a Manhattan recording studio, mainly because the adolescent boy’s voice kept cracking. Finally, the mid-jingle solo (“whatever it is I think I see / becomes a Tootsie Roll to me”) was given to the girl, Rebecca Jane. (Her brother’s name was never released.) The song was used in Tootsie Roll advertising for more than 20 years, but the singers were paid only $50 each for the day’s work and that’s all they ever made.

Product:
Almond Joy and Mounds candy bars

Jingle:
“Sometimes you feel like a nut / sometimes you don’t”

Story:
One of the biggest purveyors of late ’60s bubblegum music was Super K Productions. The label’s lead producer and songwriter was Joey Levine, who was also the lead singer for the company’s anonymous studio creations, the Ohio Express (“Yummy Yummy Yummy”) and Kasenetz-Katz Singing Orchestra (“Run Joey Run”). Levine knew how to write a catchy tune, so in 1969, he formed a jingle-writing service called Crushing Enterprises. The first jingle he sold was for Peter Paul’s line of candy bars. After that, he wrote some of the most memorable jingles of the last 30 years, including “Just for the taste of it—Diet Coke,” “You asked for it, you got it, Toyota,” “Come see the softer side of Sears,” “The heartbeat of America, that’s today’s Chevrolet,” and “Who’s that kid with the Oreo cookie?”

“Four hostile newspapers are more to be feared than a thousand bayonets.” —Napoleon

ARACHNOPHOBIA!

These spider facts are more scared of you than you are of them
.

S
PIDERS ARE SNEAKY!
Ever seen a newborn spider? No? That’s because they’re colorless (and tiny), making them virtually invisible to predators...and you. Hundreds can colonize your home and by the time you realize it, they’re all fully grown.

THEY CAN SEE YOU!
Most spiders have eight eyes and will see you coming. However, if you venture underground, many cave-dwelling species will
not
see you...because they have no eyes. But their other senses are so heightened that they’ll know you’re there long before you know they’re there.

THEY’RE FAST!
In a split second, the jumping spider can jump 20 times its own length to catch prey, but it doesn’t have any leg muscles. How does it do it? By increasing its blood pressure to the point where if the spider
didn’t
jump, it would explode.

THEY’RE CUNNING!
The Bolas spider “fishes” for large, flying insects by spinning a sticky ball at the end of a line of silk. Then it hangs the ball from the web to catch a bug...and reels it in.

THEY’LL TRAP YOU!
The female Darwin’s bark spider, native to Madagascar, spins the world’s largest and strongest web. It can span more than 80 feet (some even cross rivers). Her silk is the strongest biological material in existence—three times stronger than Kevlar, the material used in bulletproof vests.

THEY’LL STAB YOU!
Tarantulas have barbed
urticating
hairs on their abdomens. When threatened, they use their legs to “kick” these hairs into the eyes of their attacker.

THEY WILL DESTROY YOUR MANHOOD!
The Brazilian wandering spider is the most venomous in the world. It’s hairy, five inches long, and if it bites a man, the toxin has a Viagra-like effect. That lasts for several hours, is extremely painful, and if the toxin doesn’t kill him, will render him impotent.

Dam! Beavers can hold their breath underwater for 45 minutes.

KNOTTY BUOY

Apparently, once you’ve earned enough money to buy a boat, you’ve also develop a really corny sense of humor. These are all real boat names
.

Aboat Time

Let’s Get Naughty-Cal

Sailing Solution

Sea Cups

Mr. Tip-Sea

Devocean

Meals on Reels

Rich Craft

Sea Ya

Cirrhosis of the River

Incredible Hull

Campbell’s Sloop

Dream Boat

Water Logged

A Yacht of Fun

What’s Up, Dock?

Row vs. Wade

Channel Surfer

One Moor Time

Naut Fast Enuff

More Than We Can Afford

Knotty Buoy

Ship Happens

Just a Splash

Fin-Addict

Pilots of Penzance

Fraid Knot

Motion Granted

Baits Motel

College Fund

Reelin’ Good

Positive Lattitude

A Fishin’ Sea

Heirless

Empty Nest

Grounds for Divorce

Big appetite: Giant anteaters eat about 30,000 ants a day.

HEARTBREAK HOTELS

Sometimes there’s a good reason that grand schemes fail
.

S
AN-ZHI POD VILLAGE
The Original Plan:
In 1978 the Taiwanese government built a futuristic-looking vacation resort on Taiwan’s northern coast—a place for wealthy visitors from Taipei to escape into space-age luxury. Each “building” consisted of eight yellow, green, pink, or blue fiberglass pods attached to a central cement tower, looking like an armada of UFOs. The towers surrounded a man-made lake; a massive dragon sculpture guarded the resort’s entrance.

What Happened:
Several fatal accidents delayed, and then halted, construction. Stories spread that the project was cursed. Why? The dragon was angry. (To widen the road at the entrance, developers had to split the statue in half.) Then the 1980s real estate bubble burst, and money for second homes dried up. The half-finished San-Zhi turned into a ghost town: The vibrant colors of the pods faded and the buildings began to collapse. Locals claimed that the spirits of the workers who’d died during construction lingered among the ruins, unable to pass on. For more than 30 years, the broken dragon guarded the ruins until the pods were demolished in 2009 to make way for a new vacation resort.

THE IRVING CLIFF HOTEL

Background:
In 1841 Washington Irving, author of “The Legend of Sleepy Hollow,” visited Honesdale, Pennsylvania, with his friend (and town namesake) Philip Hone and climbed a rocky cliff along the Lackawaxen River. The views from the top were so magnificent that Irving declared in a letter to his sister that it should be kept forever as a “public resort” for all to enjoy. (Hone’s response: He named the cliff in Irving’s honor.)

The Original Plan:
The Irving Cliff Hotel Company had a different idea. In 1884 they purchased the land as the site of a grand hotel with broad verandas that overlooked Irving’s celebrated view. With 125 rooms, an elevator, gas lighting, electric bells to call room service, and fresh mountain air, the hotel would lure summer visitors from sweltering Philadelphia and New York City.

No joke: Apes laugh when tickled.

What Happened:
Just after workers roughed in the first two stories, high winds reduced the structure to rubble. Bad omen? Construction resumed and the hotel was completed on schedule, with a formal opening planned for July 1885. But the developers had incurred huge construction debts. Lawsuits prevented the hotel’s opening, as contractors clamored to be paid. In 1887 the property sold at sheriff’s auction for $11,000—less than half the amount owed for its construction. The new owner restored the structure to its former grandeur, complete with fine silver in the restaurant and embroidered linen in the rooms. But as the hotel was being readied for its June 22, 1889, opening, disaster struck again. Fire! The hotel’s water system couldn’t adequately supply the fire department’s pumpers, and the only other water source was the river at the foot of the sheer cliff, far beyond the reach of their hoses. Firemen salvaged what they could—appliances, carpets, chandeliers—but the structure burned to the ground. The fire was suspicious... but its cause was never determined, and nothing has ever been built on the siteagain. It remains to this day a public park with a stunning view, free for all who care to visit—just as Washington Irving wanted.

THE RYUGYONG HOTEL

The Original Plan:
In 1987 North Korean leader Kim Il-Sung decided to build a hotel that would be a monument to his country’s economic growth. The 105-story futuristic pyramid-shaped structure would pierce the sky above the country’s capital, Pyongyang, like a spearhead. Its design included 3,000 rooms, five revolving restaurants, and an observation deck. Rising 1,100 feet high, it would be the world’s tallest hotel.

What Happened:
In 1991 the Soviet Union collapsed, and its financial support of North Korea ended. That left the country strapped for money. Result: Construction of the hotel came to a dead stop. The windowless shell towered above Pyongyang, earning it the dubious distinction of being the world’s tallest unoccupied building, with the nicknames “Ghostscraper” and “Hotel of Doom.” The European Union Chamber of Commerce calls it “irreparable,” specifically citing its curving elevator shafts. Yet plans to finish the hotel keep popping up. The latest is to open it in late 2012, on the posthumous 100th birthday of Eternal President Kim Il-Sung. The exterior got some new windows in 2011, but the odds remain stacked against completion. Reasons: First, it would cost about $2 billion—10 percent of North Korea’s annual economic output. Second, North Korea would have to admit that the Ryugyong Hotel actually exists. For years, it has been air-brushed out of photographs and excluded from maps of Pyongyang. Perhaps that’s for the best, though. In 2010 North Korea ranked #1 on a list of “worst places on Earth” to visit.

Hitler owed $8 million in back income taxes when he seized power in 1933. He never paid.

THE HARMON HOTEL

The Original Plan:
In 2006 MGM Resorts broke ground on the $8.5 billion, 67-acre CityCenter in Las Vegas—the largest privately funded construction project in U.S. history. The “city within a city” project included a casino, high-rise condos, stores, a dining and entertainment district, and several hotels. One of them was the Harmon, a 49-story hotel and condo tower, designed by Lord Norman Foster, the “rock star” British architect who designed the super-modern Great Court, the centerpiece of London’s British Museum.

What Happened:
In 2008 building inspectors found improperly placed steel reinforcing rods, commonly called
rebar
, on 15 of 20 completed floors. (Embedded in concrete, rebar helps skyscrapers bear their massive loads.) Result: The ability of the 49-story structure to withstand high winds and earthquakes had been severely compromised. In January 2009, MGM scrapped the 200 condos planned for the top floors and reduced the plan to 28 stories, kneecapping Foster’s original design.

Further investigation determined that the work had actually been inspected and approved. The official who made the inspections left town, and the Harmon became the poster child for subpar construction. MGM sued the contractor, Perini Building, for shoddy work, and Perini countersued for nonpayment of construction costs. The suits won’t be settled for some time, but MGM has already written off the Harmon as a $279 million loss. For now, the elegant blue glass building remains an empty shell, due for demolition. A giant vinyl wrap curves around the tower promoting
Viva Elvis
, a Cirque du Soleil production at CityCenter’s casino. The hotel once called “one of the most beautifully designed buildings ever” has become a billboard.

What do they suck on, ice? There are leeches in Antarctica.

DISCHARGED!

Sometimes those little numbers on a form marked “for office use only” have a secret meaning. In the U.S. armed forces, they did for decades
.

T
HE NUMBERS GAME
From 1947 to 1974, all branches of the U.S. military placed three-digit letter and numerical codes at the bottom of discharge papers, also called a “Report of Separation” or Form DD-214. The numbers looked like official business and seemed to just be there for processing. There were more than 500 codes, and they all had a meaning, a secret code revealing to military personnel (or soldiers’ potential employers, if they called the Pentagon) the
real
reason for the end of a military career. Here are a few of the codes, declassified and revealed.

263:
Bed-wetter

463:
Paranoid personality

627:
Reached upper age limit