Uncle John’s 24-Karat Gold Bathroom Reader® (44 page)

THE LAWSUIT:
St.-OHarra was treating Righetti to a birthday dinner in 2010 when their appetizer arrived: a plate of
escargot
—snails in garlic butter. When St.-OHarra used his cocktail fork to pierce a steaming snail, it exploded, spraying melted butter and tiny chunks of snail all over both men. St.-OHarra’s face and shirt were covered. According to his lawsuit, a bit of butter got into his eye, causing “temporary vision impairment.” And a squirt of butter landed on Righetti’s nose, causing “humiliation.” (What occurred is known as “escargot explosion,” and although it is rare, it is not unheard of.) After wiping themselves off, the two men finished their main courses, but were unhappy with the lack of remorse shown by the staff, which St.-OHarra described as “friggin’ rude.” Said Righetti, “Do I need this on my birthday?” They filed a claim against the Seafood Peddler’s insurance company. When it was rejected, they sued. St.-OHarra, a former law student, decided to act as their lawyer in small claims court. He sought $7,500 for medical expenses and pain and suffering.

The foil used to wrap one day’s production of Hershey’s Kisses would cover 40 football fields.

THE VERDICT:
Citing a complete lack of evidence to back up their claims, the judge dismissed the case “with prejudice,” which means that it can never be filed again. The real winner was the Seafood Peddler—after the lawsuit made headlines, the restaurant reported a surge in escargot sales.

THE PLAINTIFF:
David Martin, of California

THE DEFENDANT:
A Ca-Shi in Studio City

THE LAWSUIT:
In February 2011, Martin went to the restaurant for the $28 all-you-can-eat sushi special. When the first plate was brought to him, Martin ate the raw fish that comes inside the sushi rolls, but not the rice that surrounds it. Then he ordered another plate and did the same thing. When Martin ordered a third plate, restaurant owner Jay Oh told Martin that because he wasn’t eating any of the rice, he would have to pay for each order of just the fish, at $25 per serving. Martin replied that he was unable to eat the rice because he is a type-2 diabetic (his body can’t handle all the carbohydrates). Neither man would budge, and Oh charged him the full amount. Two weeks later, Martin filed a $4,000 discrimination suit, claiming “humiliation, embarrassment, and mental anguish.” He argued the restaurant wanted him to “fill up on rice.” Oh countered, “Rice is a part of sushi. If you only eat the fish, I would go broke.”

THE VERDICT:
Even though Martin’s attorney claimed the suit was “not about the money,” he offered to drop the whole thing for $6,000, more than the initial amount cited. Oh refused. He knew he would have to pay a lot in court costs, but vowed to fight the charge. At last report, the two still plan to duke it out in court.

Odds of dying in a house fire: 1 in 1,413. Odds of being murdered: 1 in 18,000.

THE PLAINTIFF:
Aaron Schnore, a Manhattan screenwriter

THE DEFENDANT:
Johnny Utah’s, which bills itself as the only bar in New York City with a mechanical bull

THE LAWSUIT:
There’s a sign on the door of Johnny Utah’s warning people to not ride the mechanical bull if they’re drunk. Schnore, 38, didn’t heed that sign, but he signed the waiver releasing Johnny Utah’s from liability should he get hurt. He got hurt. According to Schnore’s lawsuit, because he was already drunk when he signed the waiver, the contract should be invalid. Schnore’s lawyers also argued that the mechanical-bull operator “pumped it and pumped it until he could throw him,” which amounted to “assault and battery.” Johnny Utah’s management countered that that’s the whole point of the mechanical bull—to try and throw the rider. Alleging that he received “serious” injuries (Schnore landed awkwardly on his arm), he sued the bar for an undisclosed amount of money.

THE VERDICT:
A New York State Supreme Court judge dismissed the case, basically saying that if you sign a waiver when you’re drunk, you’re still held to that agreement.

PROTEST SIGNS

Real homemade signs spotted at real protest rallies
.

I’m mad as hell.

But mostly in a passive-agressive way.

3 words that will save the economy: Gay. Bridal. Registry.

Thank you, Fox News, for keeping is infromed.

Drink the Kool-Aid already!

CONGRESS SHOULD DO STUFF.

I support my state senator. (Wherever he is.)

I already regret choosing to carry a sign around all day.

Can’t we all just get a bong?

More good news from nature: Flies spend 30% of their time vomiting.

RANDOM BITS ON
ELTON JOHN HITS

Here’s hoping these facts don’t burn out like a candle in the wind
.

“Y
our Song”:
John’s first album,
Empty Sky
(1969), flopped in both the U.S. and the U.K. Still, he got a gig as the opening act for Three Dog Night. One of the songs he performed on that tour was “Your Song,” which he planned to include on his next album. Only problem: So did Three Dog Night, who planned to release their version as a
single
. At the last moment, though, the band changed their minds. Why? They thought John did the song (which he co-wrote) better. It turned out to be John’s breakthrough hit, reaching #8 in the U.S., his first of 59 top 40 hits.

“Bennie and the Jets”:
A surprise hit on R&B radio stations, this song earned John an invitation in May 1975 to perform as the lead act on
Soul Train
, only the second white artist ever to do so. (The first was David Bowie.)

“Candle in the Wind”:
This song, first written to eulogize Marilyn Monroe, has been released as a single three times, each more successful than the last. The studio version from the album
Goodbye Yellow Brick Road
didn’t even make the charts when it came out in 1974, but a live version reached #6 in 1987. In 1997 John performed a new version at the funeral of Princess Diana with special lyrics by his longtime writing partner, Bernie Taupin. A recording of that song (John performed it only once) spent 14 weeks at #1 and became the bestselling single of all time. (Proceeds went to charity.)

“Rocket Man”:
When this song was released in the Soviet Union, it was retitled “Cosmonaut.”

“Empty Garden (Hey Hey Johnny)”:
It’s about Elton’s friend John Lennon, who was murdered in 1980. In an interview on
Inside the Actors’ Studio
, John said that he hardly ever plays the song live anymore because it makes him too sad. But he noted that he has performed it at Madison Square Garden in New York, where he dueted with Lennon in 1974 on the Beatles’ “Lucy in the Sky With Diamonds”—Lennon’s final concert appearance.

One acre of peanuts produces enough peanut butter for 30,000 peanut butter sandwiches.

“Don’t Let the Sun Go Down on Me”:
Elton John wanted an all-star chorus for the backing vocals. He managed to land Carl Wilson and Bruce Johnston of the Beach Boys, the Captain and Tennille, Dusty Springfield, and members of America. The mix sounded terrible, so all were jettisoned except Wilson, Johnston, and Tennille. (The horn section was provided by Tower of Power.)

“Goodbye Yellow Brick Road”:
John has performed in all 50 states. The 50th: Vermont (2008), home of Ben & Jerry’s Ice Cream, which commemorated the event with a flavor called “Goodbye Yellow Brickle Road”—chocolate ice cream, peanut butter cookie dough, butter brickle, and white chocolate chips.

“Levon”:
In 2010 John and his partner David Furnish became parents to a boy born on Christmas Day to a surrogate mother. They named him Zachary Jackson Levon Furnish-John. “Levon” is a John song, which includes the lyric, “He was born a pauper to a pawn on a Christmas day.” (The song, in turn, was named after Levon Helm of The Band, although the song isn’t about him.)

“Honky Cat”:
The only hit song in history that features a duck call solo (performed by John’s drummer, Ray Cooper).

“Don’t Go Breaking My Heart”:
Kiki Dee and John recorded this duet in 1976 as an homage to Motown greats Marvin Gaye and Tammi Terrell. It was John’s first #1 single in the U.K. Other stars with whom John recorded the song: Miss Piggy (on
The Muppet Show
), Minnie Mouse (on
Totally Minnie
), and RuPaul (on John’s
Duets
album).

“That’s What Friends Are For”:
John sang on this 1985 hit single benefiting AIDS charities along with Dionne Warwick, Stevie Wonder, and Gladys Knight. He was the producers’ third choice for the slot, after George Michael and Rod Stewart both turned it down.

The spout on the milk carton didn’t appear until the 1960s. Before that you cut them open.

THOUGHTS ON ’ BOTS

We asked our Acme Quote Generato-tron to come up with a page... and it presented us with these quotes about robots, of course
.

“Robotics is about us—the discipline of emulating our lives, of wondering how we work.”

—
Rod Grupen

“The robot is going to lose. Not by much. But when the final score is tallied, flesh and blood is going to beat the damn monster.”

—
Adam Smith

“Robots do not hold on to life. They can’t. They have nothing to hold on with—no soul, no instinct. Grass has more will to live than they do.”

—
Karel Capek

“I visualize a time when we will be to robots what dogs are to humans, and I’m rooting for the machines.”

—
Claude Shannon

“I wish a robot would get elected president. That way, when he came to town, we could all take a shot at him and not feel too bad.”

—
Jack Handy

“Man is a robot with defects.”

—
Emil Cioran

“Unless mankind redesigns itself by changing our DNA through altering our genetic makeup, computer-generated robots will take over our world.”

—
Stephen Hawking

“Someday a human being, named perhaps Fred White, may shoot a robot named Pete Something-or-other, and to his surprise see it weep and bleed. And the dying robot may shoot back and, to its surprise, see a wisp of gray smoke arise from the electric pump that it supposed was Mr. White’s beating heart. It would be rather a great moment of truth for both of them.”

—
Philip K. Dick

“Part of the inhumanity of the computer is that, once it is completely programmed and working smoothly, it is completely honest.”

—
Isaac Asimov

“You end up with a tremendous respect for a human being if you’re a roboticist.”

—
Joseph Engelberger

GROANERS

What’s black and white and dreaded all over? This page of bad jokes. (You’ve been warned.)

What do you call
a cow with two legs that are shorter than the other two?

Lean beef.

Why did the
orange-juice factory worker lose his job?

He couldn’t concentrate.

Patient:
“Doctor, doctor—you gotta help me! I feel like a deck of cards!”

Doctor:
“Sit down, sir. I’ll deal with you later.”

Which bird
is the most contented?

The crow. He never complains without caws.

Doctor:
“How is the kid who swallowed the half-dollar?”

Nurse:
“No change yet.”

What do you call
a nun who walks in her sleep?

A Roman Catholic.

The New York doctor
advised his patient to walk two miles a day. A month later the patient called and said, “I’m in Boston. What should I do now?”

The Leaning Tower of Pisa
and the tower of Big Ben were thinking of starting a family, but they called it off. One didn’t have the time; the other didn’t have the inclination.

Did you hear about
the shipload of paint that wrecked and marooned all the sailors?

What do you call
a dog with no legs?

It doesn’t matter; he won’t come when you call him.

Doctor:
“I’ll have your eczema cured in a week.”

Patient:
“Please, doctor. Don’t make rash promises.”

How do you know
if a cat burglar has been in your house?

The cat is missing.

Definition of “vitamin”:

What you do when a friend comes to your door.

Customer:
“Why is this coffee so muddy?”