Uncle John’s 24-Karat Gold Bathroom Reader® (48 page)

SICK DAY

In February 2009, Amber Carter, a 4th-grade teacher in Bellefontaine, Ohio, took a half-day of sick leave and went home early. The following morning the school’s principal visited Carter’s classroom to tell her students that their teacher would not be returning to Western Intermediate School. The afternoon Carter supposedly went home sick, she was arrested for prostitution at a Super 8 Motel after she accepted cash from an undercover cop posing as a customer. How’d she get caught? “Suspicious Internet activity.” Police say they received an anonymous tip after Carter posted ads for her “services” on Craigslist using a school computer.

(SHIRT) COLLARED

Two men pulled a home-invasion robbery in Charlotte, North Carolina, in March 2011, making off with jewelry, a wallet, and other valuables. But as they fled, a T-shirt fell out of their getaway car. Not just any T-shirt, either: This one had a photo of one of the robbers on it (along with the slogan “Making money is my thang”). When police displayed it on the local “Crime Stoppers” TV show, the man depicted on the shirt, 25-year-old Jonathan Huntley, turned himself in. Extra dumb: The photo on the shirt was a mug shot from a previous armed robbery arrest—for which Huntley had served seven years in prison. He had only been out for four months when his mug shot shirt got him arrested again.

20th Century Fox has a trademark on “the spoken word ‘D’oh’” (but not the
written
word).

THEY’LL NEVER EXPECT THIS!

In August 2010, Shane Alexander, 20, and Jason Vantress, 30, went to a Portland, Oregon, Fred Meyer supermarket and started cutting the tags off items and stuffing the goods into their backpacks. The things they took included clothes, shoes, tools—even a couple of blenders. A clerk saw what they were doing and quickly notified police, which wasn’t very difficult...since there were 60 uniformed officers already in the store. Turns out it was “Shop with a Cop” day, an annual event during which officers assist underprivileged kids with back-to-school shopping. Alexander and Vantress were arrested seconds later. “As is so often the occasion with crooks,” said Officer Pete Simpson, “they think they’re smarter than the average bear. And they’re not.”

IT’S A LONG WAY TO THE BOTTOM, TOO...

In January 2009, Joseph Houston, 29, of Brewster, Massachusetts, went to Boston to see a concert by the heavy metal band Metallica. During the show Houston had too much to drink, pulled down his pants, and exposed himself to the family sitting in front of him. Then he urinated on one of them. Then, with his pants still down, he started fighting with one of them. When police tried to get him to leave, he fought with them, and he was finally arrested.

Legendary Bonus #1:
Houston’s mug shot—which ended up on the Internet—shows the T-shirt he was wearing that night: It was a take-off on “Metallica,” and said
Alcoholica
on it.

Legendary Bonus #2:
Mr. Houston was an officer with the Brewster Police Department. (Mr. Houston is no longer an officer with the Brester Police Department.)

“One disadvantage of having nothing to do is you can’t stop and rest.”

—
Franklin P. Jones

Christopher Reeve’s trainer for
Superman
(1978): David Prowse, who played Darth Vader.

FACES OF DEATH

Who will you encounter after you kick the bucket? The Grim Reaper? Or maybe an entirely different specter? It might depend on where you live, since none of the world’s religions seem to agree on who—or what—will be waiting on the other side. Here are some of Death’s strangest personifications
.

N
ame:
Yamaraj
Origin:
Hindi culture
Details:
Also known as Dharmaraj, or Yama, for short, his name literally means “the Lord of Death.” In artistic depictions, he’s a portly man with a mustache and, legend says, skin that’s “the color of a rain cloud.” He rides the plains of existence on a water buffalo, and upon a person’s death, ropes the departed soul with a lasso and carries it to Yamalok, the Hindu underworld. His assistant, Chitragupta, keeps track of all the good and bad deeds of every human on the planet, and after checking the records, Yama determines how each soul will be reincarnated. If the person was good, they might return as a tiger. If not: a mosquito.

Name:
Giltine

Origin:
Eastern Europe, primarily the Baltic states

Details:
Before they adopted the more Western depiction of Death as a hooded skeleton with a scythe, people in the Baltic region had Giltine, a grotesque woman with a crooked, blue nose and a sharp, poisonous tongue, whose name means “to sting.” According to folklore, she was once a beautiful young woman... until she was trapped in a coffin for seven years and emerged a monster. Then, the legend goes, she collected poison from graveyards and used it to lick the dying to death.

Name:
Izanami

Origin:
Japan

Details:
According to Japanese mythology, a god named Izanagi-no-Mikoto and his goddess wife, Izanami, helped bridge the gap between Heaven and Earth, creating humanity and the islands of Japan in the process. Izanami died while giving birth to a fire god; overcome with grief, Izanagi-no-Mikoto went looking for her in Yomi, the land of the dead. He found her, but after discovering that her beauty had been ravaged by death, he fled back to Earth. Enraged by his betrayal, Izanami vowed to take the lives of 1,000 humans per day, becoming the Goddess of Death. Izanagi responded with a vow of his own: to offset her wrath by creating 1,500 people per day.

The ancient Romans used asbestos napkins. To clean them, they threw them in the fire.

Name:
Santa Muerte

Origin:
Mexico

Details:
Literally “Saint Death,” she is usually portrayed in Mexican folk art as a female skeleton wearing a dress and a large floral hat. The concept emerged from a combination of Meso-American native religions and the Catholicism that dominates the country today. Belief in the skeleton-deity has been condemned over the centuries, with the Catholic Church of Mexico going so far as to dub believers—even if they are also Catholic—a “cult.” Nevertheless, millions of Mexicans reportedly worship Santa Muerte, celebrating her during the huge cultural festivities called
Dia de los Muertes
(Day of the Dead) on November 1 of every year and erecting altars to her in their homes. The faithful believe that Santa Muerte not only assists souls in the afterlife but can grant favors to the living, protect them from bodily harm, and make others fall in love with them.

Name:
Papa Ghede

Origin:
Haiti

Story:
Voodoo practitioners believe that a short, cigar-chomping man in a top hat is waiting for them at the crossroads of Earth and the afterlife. That man is Papa Ghede, who legend says is the living corpse of the first man who ever died. He’s aided by four other spirits who handle everything from guarding graveyards to giving voices to the dead during seances. Ghede loves rum and is known for his crass sense of humor and great wisdom, which includes an extensive knowledge of everything that happens in the worlds of the living and the dead. He also reads minds and sometimes even inhabits humans, inspiring them to make love. If that isn’t enough, Ghede is also the patron saint of those who die young. Worshippers offer him rum, cigars, or sacrificed crows to prevent him from taking sick children to the underworld.

Coca-Cola can partially neutralize the pain of a jellyfish sting (but vinegar works better).

UNDERWEAR
ON A MISSION

Remember when your underwear’s only job was to cover your privates (and not embarrass you in the emergency room)? Times have changed
.

T
HE EMERGENCY BRA
What It Does:
Lets you breathe easier
Details:
If you’re ever caught in an emergency where the air becomes difficult to breathe, and you’re wearing one of these bras invented by Dr. Elena Bodnar, president of Chicago’s Trauma Risk Management Institute, you’ll breathe easier. The bra’s cups are made of a special air-filtering material and can be removed and used as face masks—one cup for you, one for a friend. They secure to the head with special straps, “freeing a survivor’s hands to keep balance while running and removing objects on the way out of danger,” Dr. Bodnar writes on her website. Her invention won her an IgNobel Prize (a parody prize that honors silly achievements in science) in 2009. For men unwilling to cross-dress for safety, she also sells an Emergency Dress Shirt with a special panel of the same material. Press the panel against your face, tie the sleeves around your head, and
voilà!
You’ve got a face mask.

BALLISTIC BOXER SHORTS

What It Does:
Reduces injuries from improvised explosive devices

Details:
There really isn’t much to these shorts. They’re regular boxers, made from two layers of thick silk fabric woven together and treated with an antibacterial agent. But while the shorts can’t stop bullets or shrapnel, if the wearer happens to encounter IEDs or land mines, they are surprisingly effective at blocking dirt and sand particles, minimizing the size of wounds and keeping them clean and easier to treat. The antibacterial agent also helps prevent secondary infections. In April 2011, the U.S. Marines rush-ordered more than 27,000 pairs of the undies after learning that British forces who wore them had fewer injuries than their American counterparts. Also under consideration: steel or high-density polyethylene cups, and underwear with pockets for Kevlar inserts.

During WWII, a London slang term for German bombs was “Bob Hopes.”

“WHAT WOULD YOUR MOTHER DO?”

What It Does:
It’s “abstinence underwear,” designed to discourage teenagers from having sex.

Details:
The underwear has anti-sex messages like “Dream on,” “Zip it,” and “Not tonight” printed on the waistband. “Why not help our teens make wise choices while they navigate the dating scene?” the company asks parents. “We just want to provide you with cute reminders to help you make an impression—somewhat discreetly.” To date, the company only sells underwear for girls; the jury’s still out on whether they’re truly effective at stopping teenagers from having sex. “If couples are getting to the point that their underwear is visible to the opposite sex,” one skeptic told the London
Daily Mail, “
they’re obviously not going to stop because of a ‘Zip it’ slogan!”

SHOCK JOCK BRAND BOXERS AND BRIEFS

What It Does:
Enhances the male “package”

Details:
Who says you have to play baseball to wear a cup? This line of underwear comes fully equipped with “Active Shaping Technology”—a soft cup with “authentic-looking male features” that the company says will add to a man’s appearance. Because the cup is made of a soft, fleshy-feeling material, it won’t stop baseballs...and it won’t stop the object of your affection from laughing at you when they discover you’re wearing a falsie. But then, maybe Shock Jocks are a form of abstinence underwear too.

Bonus:
Andrew Christian, maker of Shock Jock, also sells a line of butt-enhancing underwear called Flashback, which uses hidden straps to “lift and shape” the junk in your trunk. (No word on whether a line of combo Shock Jock/Flashback underwear is in the works.)

“If you can make people who are dead set against you laugh, that’s the first step toward winning them over.”

—
John Waters

Your body contains about 30 billion fat cells.