Read Uncle John’s 24-Karat Gold Bathroom Reader® Online
Authors: Bathroom Readers’ Institute
Uncle John’s 24-Karat Gold Bathroom Reader® (45 page)
Waitress:
“It was ground yesterday.”
Why don’t snails smell? They don’t have noses.
The cold hands of Death just couldn’t get a grip on these tenacious survivors
.
G
ESUNDHEIT!
Darco Sangermano was having a great time celebrating New Year’s Eve 2010 in Naples, Italy—until a stray bullet pierced his skull. Sangermano collapsed to the ground, but remained conscious and was rushed to a nearby hospital. As physicians were trying to determine how to go in and remove the bullet, Sangermano sneezed...and the bullet fell out of his left nostril. He only needed a few stitches to close the entry wound. According to Dr. Sid Barrone, “The bullet went through his temple, behind his eye, entered the nasal cavity, and then became lodged in his nostril before he sneezed it out. Amazing.”
THE SQUEEZE
Matthew Lowe broke his back, ruptured his stomach and bowel, shattered his pelvis, and fractured both hips, his right arm, and several ribs. But the 25-year-old British factory worker is alive. While he was working next to a steel-processing machine at Compass Engineering in Barnsley, England, Lowe’s clothes got caught in the high-powered conveyor system and he was pulled into it through a five-inch opening, about the width of a CD case. “The machine crushed my body, ripped my clothes to shreds, and spat me out,” he said. Although Lowe’s outward appearance hasn’t changed much, he’s “lost count” of the amount of metal that doctors have put inside him in order to keep his organs functioning. The factory was cited for numerous safety infractions, but Lowe made a full recovery and has since returned to work as a supervisor.
HE WAS NEARLY KILT
A Scottish mountain climber named Adam Potter had nearly reached the summit of Sgurr Choinnich Mor (“Big Rocky Peak of the Moss” in Gaelic). Shortly after he stopped and told his team to prepare for the final ascent, he slipped in the snow and fell down the 1,000-foot rocky cliff. His friends watched in horror as he bounced from craggy outcrop to craggy outcrop—his gear flying everywhere—before disappearing from sight. A search-and-rescue helicopter came in but couldn’t find Potter’s body anywhere. They did, however, spot a man at the bottom of the cliff standing up, reading a map. Maybe he knew where Potter was. When the rescuers landed, they were amazed to find out that the man
was
Potter. He was cut up and had a lot of bruises but was otherwise okay. “It was quite incredible,” said one of the rescuers, “he must have literally glanced off the outcrops as he fell, almost flying.” For his part, all Potter thought about on the way down was that this would delay his upcoming trip to Mt. Everest.
In 2011 Rifca Stanescu of Romania became the world’s youngest grandmother. Age: 25.
COLD-COCKED
A 24-year-old construction worker named Esidras Valles was working on the roof of a one-story building in North Bergen, New Jersey, when a 40-pound air conditioner fell on his head...from 15 stories up. Valles had a gash on his head that required a lot of stitches, but he made a speedy recovery. Lacking any medical reason for why Valles wasn’t killed, Dr. Bruno Molino said philosophically, “You can consider him fortunate and unfortunate.”
LIFE’S A HITCH
In 2010 Eric Provost was driving his SUV near Canby, Oregon. He’d just picked up his six-month-old son Evan from the babysitter and was heading home. While talking to his wife on his headset, Provost, who teaches fifth grade, saw an object bouncing in the road. Before he could react, the object—a large, metal trailer hitch—smashed through the windshield and hit the steering wheel so hard that it bent it back. Had the hitch hit a few inches higher, it could have taken Provost’s head off. Still, it slammed into his chest and arm before flying into the back of Evan’s rear-facing car seat. Amazingly, the hitch did not dislodge the car seat, but bounced up and punctured the SUV’s ceiling before finally landing in the back. Provost skidded to a stop and knew instantly that his arm was broken. His wife, who had listened to the entire event on the phone, was terrified. He told her he was hurt but okay, and that Evan didn’t get a scratch. From his hospital bed, Provost later joked, “If someone out there is missing a trailer hitch, it’s in the back of my car.” He also had a message for his students: “I am still the toughest guy you know.”
More than half of all doctors in Finland are female.
The only horse-racing terms most of us know are “giddyup” and “mint julep.” But it turns out the Sport of Kings is full of colorful lingo. Here are a few favorites
.
BUG BOY.
A rookie or apprentice jockey, so called because of the asterisks, or “bugs,” that appear next to a rookie’s name on racing forms. The more “bugs,” the less experience the jockey has.
MORNING GLORY.
A horse that runs well in morning workouts but seldom wins races.
IN THE VAN.
In the lead, running at the front of the main pack of horses. (Van is short for “vanguard.”)
IN THE RUCK.
Running at the back of the pack. (Ruck is short for “rucksack,” another word for “backpack.”)
IN THE ONE-ONE.
Running just behind the leading horse and slightly to one side. Because there’s less wind resistance in this position than there is “in the van,” the “one-one” is considered the best place to stay until the leader can be overtaken.
IN THE DEATH.
Running just to the right, or “outside,” of the race’s leader. It’s considered a bad position because this horse has to cope with more wind resistance than the horses behind it, and, because the track is curved, a horse in the death has to cover more distance than the leader.
HANGING.
Tending to veer toward the inside or outside rail during a race, often interfering with other horses.
ON THE PAINT.
Running very close to the inside rail.
SPEEDY CUT.
A leg injury caused when a galloping horse’s hoof cuts the skin on the inside of its opposite leg.
GRABBING A QUARTER.
When a galloping horse’s hind hoof clips the back of a front hoof, often causing a stumble or injury.
MAIDEN.
A horse that hasn’t won a race yet.
The average person in the UK drinks as much tea as 23 Italians.
GRADUATE.
A horse that’s just won its first race.
MUDLARK.
A horse that excels in running on muddy tracks.
SPIT BOX.
The receptacle into which a horse’s urine and blood samples are placed for drug testing.
CUPPY TRACK.
A loose, bumpy, unstable track surface that breaks away under a horse’s hooves and slows it down.
SHADOW ROLL.
A piece of lamb fleece attached to the noseband of a horse’s bridle to prevent it from seeing the ground and being startled by its own shadow.
FLATTENING OUT.
When a horse drops its head while running, usually due to fatigue.
SPITTING THE BIT.
When a horse tires during a race and becomes hard to control.
WASHY.
Description of a horse that’s drenched in nervous sweat before a race.
OUCHY.
Description of a horse that’s sore after a race.
PURPLE PATCH.
A run of good luck in several consecutive races.
WALKOVER.
A race in which all the horses except one were withdrawn before the start time. By regulation, the remaining horse must still gallop the distance to win.
BLANKET FINISH.
Similar to a photo finish, but the two leading horses cross the finish line so close together that a single blanket could be spread across both of them.
Jim Gaffigan on movie trailers:
“Why is it whenever you’re watching a preview you always feel like you have to comment on it to the person you’re with? ‘Yeah, I’m not gonna see that movie. I’m gonna wait for that on video.’ I mean, when you think about it, it’s just a commercial for the movie. You never sit at home watching TV and say, ‘Yeah, I’m not buying
that
cereal. I don’t like raisins. What’s your take on that?’”
Should it have stayed that way? The New York Stock Exchange started out as a coffeehouse.
What do millionaires do to show off their wealth? Some buy exotic pets, big houses, or fancy cars. But 300 years ago, a fad erupted among wealthy Brits to buy
people
—not to make them servants (they already had those), but to have them simply wander around the yard
.
H
ERMITAGE, SWEET HERMITAGE
By the late 1700s, the Industrial Revolution was in full swing. A by-product of this new technology: the Romantic Era, in which English writers, painters, and the well-to-do railed against modernization. Poets like John Milton and William Wordsworth wrote about the virtues of solitude and anti-materialism. The “humble hermit living off the land” became a symbol of the Romantic ideal (though few were willing to try it themselves). At the same time, a trend was growing among the rich in England: They constructed “architectural follies” on their grounds—elaborate buildings that were primarily decorative, such as Roman temples and Egyptian pyramids, towers, grottos...and hermit houses, or
hermitages
.
What was a hermitage like? They were pretty small. The one at Hagley Hall in Worcestershire was a closet-sized stone cave covered with roots, moss, and foliage. A Milton poem was hung on the wall, just in case visitors didn’t understand the connection. Many hermitages also included macabre decor, such as floors made of knuckle bones. Marston House in Surrey was surrounded by a bone fence topped with real horse heads. And no hermitage was complete without a decorative human skull for contemplation.
KEEPING UP WITH THE JONESES
Soon, simple caves and grottoes just weren’t enough to make the nobleman stand out from his peers; he needed his own actual hermit (preferably a filthy, bearded old man) to live in the hermitage. However, finding an old man who was living a truly non-materialistic life in the woods was difficult, even back then. And convincing him to move to a huge estate was nearly impossible. (There was a reason they lived in the woods.) The next best thing: Hire a peasant from the village to fill the role. Ironically, only the wealthy could afford to maintain a garden hermit, who was supposed to symbolize the landowner’s interest in non-material pursuits.
What makes belugas different from other whales? They can swim backward.
ON LONE
Most of the time, a rich person would simply put an ad in the newspaper looking for a hermit. But in a few cases, folks who were down on their luck offered themselves up for the job, as evidenced by this
London Courier
newspaper ad from 1810:
A young man who wishes to retire from the world and live as a hermit in some convenient spot in England is willing to engage with any nobleman or gentleman who may be desirous of having one.
It’s unknown if that man ever became a hermit, but those who were hired were usually contracted to live in the hermitage for seven years. For example, an English politician named Charles Hamilton advertised a seven-year contract for a hermit to come and live on the forested land at Painshill Park in Surrey...
...where he shall be provided with a Bible, optical glasses, a mat for his feet, a hassock for his pillow, an hourglass for timepiece, water for his beverage, and food from the house. He must wear a camlet robe, and never, under any circumstances, must he cut his hair, beard, or nails, stray beyond the limits of Mr. Hamilton’s grounds, or exchange one word with the servant.
Hamilton offered a payment of 700 guineas (more than $500,000 in today’s money), but there was a catch: The hermit wouldn’t get a penny unless he followed every detail in the contract. Hamilton did find a man willing to shed his wares, but the hired hermit lasted for only three weeks—he was fired when he was found drinking at the local pub.
MASTERS OF PUPPETS
Indeed, finding a good hermit could be quite difficult...unless you were the queen. In the 1730s, Queen Caroline, wife of King George II, offered to let a poet who was grieving the death of his wife live in her hermitage at Richmond Park near London. The poet, whose name was Stephen Duck, accepted and became one of the most famous hermits of the Romantic Era. Duck grew a long beard and wrote poetry in his garden hermitage, having all the access he wanted to the queen’s library. He received thousands of visitors each year (not exactly a life of solitude), but never did seem to find solace. In 1756 Duck drowned himself in the River Thames.