Uncle John’s Unsinkable Bathroom Reader (4 page)

It’s fairly common for newspapers to make typographical errors, but the New Hampshire
Valley News
managed to make an especially boneheaded one—the paper misspelled their own name. The front-page banner of the July 21, 2008, edition called it the “
Valley Newss
.” “Given that we routinely call on other institutions to hold themselves accountable,” an editor’s note the next day read, “let us say for the record, we sure feel silly.”

Pigs are where bacon comes from. They also have curly tails and say “oink.” For more complex facts, keep reading
.

• Pig squeals have been recorded as loud as 130 decibels, only 10 decibels less than a supersonic jet taking off.

• According to behavioral scientists, the pig is the smartest farm animal, and one of the smartest on Earth after humans, primates, whales, dolphins, and elephants.

• World’s largest pig: Big Norm. He’s 8 feet long, 4 feet high, and weighs 1,600 pounds.

• Pig lingo: Females are called
sows
, adult males are
boars
. A pregnant pig is a
farrow
, a female that’s never been pregnant is a
gilt
, and a neutered male is a
barrow
.

• Pigs have four toes on each hoof, but use only two to walk, giving the appearance that they walk on their tiptoes.

• A pig’s natural lifespan: 15–20 years.

• Pigs have such thick skin that fleas and ticks generally leave them alone—the insects can’t get through to the pig’s blood.

• Synthetics are mostly used today, but at one time paintbrush bristles were made out of pig hair.

• A litter of piglets most commonly numbers between 8 and 12. All-time record for a single litter: 37.

• Although a group of pigs is called a
herd
, pigs don’t need to be herded. They come when called.

• Smallest breed of pig: the Mini Maialino. They reach a top weight of only 20 pounds.

• Myth-conception: If you “sweat like a pig,” you sweat profusely. The truth: If you sweat like a pig, you don’t sweat at all, because pigs don’t have sweat glands. They keep cool by staying in the shade or, occasionally, rolling in mud.

• Worldwide population of domesticated pigs: around 940 million.

• Pigs have an excellent sense of smell. In India, they’re used by police departments to sniff out illegal drugs.

Unintentionally naughty or just plain bizarre—but they’re all real
.

Joint Chiefs Head Will Be Replaced

C
ASKETS
F
OUND AS
W
ORKERS
D
EMOLISH
M
AUSOLEUM

U.S., France Agree to Mideast Truce

Butts Swiped Toilet Paper From Court

Man Battles to Prove He’s
Not Dead

Hearings to Be Held on Statue of Liberty's Crown

College Drinking Games Lead to Higher Blood Alcohol Levels

Helping Hurt Children Is Reward Enough

Man Stabbed With Fish

DOE to do NEPA’s EIS on BNFL’s AMWTP at INEEL after SRA protest

M
AN SOUGHT FOR LEWD ACT

Breast Augmentation Available at Moundview

Sadness Is No. 1 Reason Men And Women Cry

Y
ANKEES TAKE A WALK TO TIE STORE

2 States May See Delegates Halved

Governor, Legislators Disagree About When They Might Agree

MEAT HEAD RESIGNS

S
CHOOLS CAN EXPECT MORE STUDENTS THAN THOUGHT

Clinton Apologizes to Syphilis Victims

0.10 INCHES OF RAIN PUMMELS COUNTY

Man Shot In Groin Area On Love Lane

Volunteers Search for Old Civil War Planes

Prisoner Serving 2,000-Year Sentence Could Face More Time

Meeting on Open Meeting Is Closed

When you hear about how much money sports generates for players, owners, and agents, it can make you feel sick—even fed up with the whole sports establishment. But, for some reason, these guys make us smile
.

T
HE A-B-AWAY
In 1974 textile tycoons Ozzie and Dan Silna paid about $1 million for the struggling Carolina Cougars of the American Basketball Association and moved the team to Missouri, where they renamed it the Spirits of St. Louis. Why did they buy the team? Oddly enough, because they knew the league would be going out of business soon. The ABA, just seven years old at the time, was in terrible shape: They couldn’t compete with the growing and much more popular National Basketball Association (NBA), and ABA teams were losing money or folding altogether. The Silna brothers felt that a merger between the two leagues was probably in the cards, and that some of the more successful ABA teams would become NBA teams, a potentially lucrative opportunity. So they beefed up the Spirits with great young players—Moses Malone and Don Chaney among them—and waited for the league to collapse. In 1976 it did, and the NBA moved in. One problem: they didn’t want the Spirits.

The ABA was down to just six teams by this point (the NBA had 18), but the bigger league wanted only four of them—the Denver Rockets (later the Nuggets), the Indiana Pacers, the New York (later New Jersey) Nets, and the San Antonio Spurs. The two they didn’t want: the Kentucky Colonels and the Spirits. Luckily, that didn’t leave the Silnas and the Colonels’ owners John Y. Brown powerless: For the merger to go through, every owner had to agree with whatever deal was hammered out. The NBA dealt with the Colonels by offering them a $3.3 million “buyout”—and they took it. They offered the same to the Silnas…but they declined. They had other ideas.

On top of the $3.3 million, the Silnas, along with their bulldog of an attorney, Donald Schupak, demanded one-seventh of future television revenues generated by the four former ABA teams. At the time, television revenues for pro basketball games were relatively miniscule—the league had terrible ratings compared to pro baseball and football. So the NBA, after negotiating the lump-sum payment down to $2.2 million, agreed. It was a mistake that they regret to this day.

For the first few years, the Silnas made less than $100,000 per year from the TV deal. That’s not bad for doing nothing, but it was about to get a lot better. The legendary rivalry between Larry Bird’s Boston Celtics and Magic Johnson’s Los Angeles Lakers, starting in 1980, fueled a huge growth in the NBA’s popularity—and in TV revenues. By 1982 the Silnas were making almost $200,000 a year. The league offered the brothers $5 million to buy out their contract. They said they’d take $8 million, but the NBA refused—which was probably a dumber move than when it made the original deal. In 1984 Michael Jordan entered the league; by 1988 the Silnas were getting nearly $1 million a year. In 1992 the league offered them $18 million to end the contract. No way. By 1994 their earnings were up to around $4 million annually. And it gets still better.

Business experts have called the Silna brothers’ 1976 contract possibly the best in history—and not just in sports, but in all business. And the most significant clause in it: “The right to receive such revenues shall continue for as long as the NBA or its successors continue in its existence.”

As of 2008, the former owners of the former team known as the Spirits of St. Louis have raked in about $180 million in total. Over the next eight years, based on the NBA’s latest contracts with ABC, TNT, and ESPN, they’ll be getting around $130 million
more
. That’ll bring their total up to more than $320 million…for an initial investment of about $5 million. “I would have loved to have an NBA team,” says 73-year-old Ozzie Silna. “But if I look at it retrospectively over what I would have gotten, versus what I’ve received now—then I’m a happy camper.”

What happens when a few brave warriors refuse to quit, even when the cause seems lost? Victory…or doom
.

T
HE BATTLE OF THERMOPYLAE
Defenders:
2,300 Greeks
Background:
In 480 B.C. Persia’s King Xerxes I sought to add Greece to his already enormous empire and invaded with an army of 80,000 soldiers. In a rare display of unity (and out of desperation), several Greek city-states banded together to stop them. Led by King Leonidas of Sparta, an initial force of about 5,000 soldiers awaited the Persians at a narrow mountain pass near the northern town of Thermopylae. Xerxes was informed of the size of the Greek army and sent a message to them: Surrender your weapons and you will live. Leonidas replied, “Come and get them.” Xerxes sent thousands of soldiers into the pass. They were repelled and suffered heavy losses. He sent thousands more; they were stopped again. This went on repeatedly for two days…at which point a Greek local told Xerxes about another pass—one that would allow the Persians to encircle their outnumbered foes.

The Stand:
When the Greeks learned of the betrayal, Leonidas ordered most of his army to retreat and gather more forces for a battle farther south. He, his 300 best Spartan fighters, and about 2,000 other Greeks remained to hold off the Persians long enough to give the retreating army time to escape. Attacked by the main force from the pass—and now by 10,000 more from the rear—the Greeks fought with spear, sword, hands, and teeth until every last one of them was dead, including Leonidas. Xerxes had his head cut off and his body raised on a stake. Despite winning, the Persians lost nearly 20,000 soldiers in the battle. A year later, they were crushed by the Greeks in the Battle of Plataea and the Greco-Persian Wars were over.

Defenders:
6,000 Celtiberians (ancient Celtic peoples who had settled in Spain)

Background:
In 135 B.C., the Roman senate sent their greatest
general, Scipio Africanus, to finish off the Celtiberian tribes in present-day Spain. Scipio decided to avoid fighting the notoriously aggressive Celts and ordered his army of 60,000 to surround their largest town, Numantia, instead. They completely cut off every possible supply route…and waited for the 6,000 people trapped inside the town to surrender.

The Stand:
They waited…and waited…and waited. Six months later the surviving residents of Numantia were living on rats and dead bodies—having resorted to cannibalism—and still refused to give up. After another three months, they opened peace talks: Scipio demanded unconditional surrender, the Celtiberians refused, and most of those remaining killed themselves instead. After nine months, Scipio’s 60,000 soldiers had finally taken a town of 6,000 (which he then ordered completely destroyed).

Defenders:
2,000 Hungarians

Background:
In 1520 Turkish sultan Suleiman the Magnificent sought to expand his Ottoman Empire eastward into Europe. In 1552, after more than 30 years of war and advances, a Turkish force of approximately 80,000 soldiers attacked a castle fortress in the town of Eger, one of the Kingdom of Hungary’s last strongholds. Roughly 2,000 people, including 1,500 soldiers, defended it.

The Stand:
The Turks had more than 150 pieces of artillery, including 15 huge cannons. They fired at the castle from every direction for days, and then for weeks…and couldn’t get inside. They made repeated attempts to storm the castle, shot flaming arrows over the sides, even dug under the walls and planted bombs…and they still couldn’t get inside. Finally, after 39 days, during which roughly a third of the Hungarians inside were killed, the Turks just gave up and left. The Hungarians, outnumbered almost 50 to 1, had won.

Defenders:
2,300 Croatians and Hungarians

Background:
In 1566 Suleiman the Magnificent was back at it. The now 72-year-old sultan himself led a force of 100,000 men against a fortress in Szigetvár, Hungary. The enormous procession
left Constantinople on May 1, 1566, and arrived on August 6.

The Stand:
For a month the Turks attacked; for a month they were repelled. In September they made an offer to the leader of the Croatian defenders, Nikola Zrinski: If he agreed to surrender, they would make him ruler of Croatia. He refused. On September 7 Suleiman died, apparently of natural causes, and the following day the Turks bombarded the fortress until it was almost completely destroyed. Zrinski, now commanding just 600 men, made his last stand against tens of thousands of storming Turks. They fought until only seven Croatian soldiers were left alive, Zrinski not among them. Estimates put the Turkish losses at more than 20,000.