Uncle John’s Unsinkable Bathroom Reader (50 page)

King –
A widower, a lawyer, or a widower who practices law
. Whoever he is, he makes a poor friend and a dangerous enemy. Upside down: a wish to do evil against others but lacking either the will or the ability.

Ace –
Happiness
. Upside down: news of a death or some other event that brings great sadness.

That’s how individual cards stack up, but if you think that’s all there is to fortune-telling with playing cards, you’re not playing with a full deck. What happens when you have two or three kings side by side? Or when the jack, queen, king and ace of spades or one of the other suits are lined up in a row? The answers to these and other mysteries are on page 494.

Everyone enjoys reading about someone else’s blunders. So go ahead and feel superior for a few moments
.

S
TRADICIDE
In 2008, 26-year-old virtuoso violinist David Garrett had just concluded a concert at the Barbican Centre in London. Nearly as famous as the violinist (who is also a male model and has been compared to David Beckham) is his violin: a 290-year-old Stradivarius valued at millions of dollars. Making his way off of the stage, Garrett slipped. “People said it was as if I’d stepped right on a banana peel,” he recalled. “I fell down a flight of steps and on to the case. When I opened it, the violin was in pieces. I couldn’t speak and I couldn’t get up. I didn’t even know if I was hurt…and I didn’t care.” (While the instrument was being repaired, Garrett was loaned another Stradivarius on which to perform. A three-man security team followed him closely at his concerts to make sure he didn’t drop
that
violin.)

As the two national soccer teams prepared to begin their match, the home team Czech Republic played the Latvian national anthem for the visiting team…which would have been fine if the visiting team was actually Latvia. It was Lithuania. Not only that, stadium officials printed a copy of Latvia’s flag in the official game program. Not surprisingly, the Lithuanians were upset, and the Czech Republic’s government apologized profusely on behalf of its soccer federation; one federation official resigned and two others were fired. But adding insult to injury, the Czech Republic beat Lithuania, 2–0.

In March 2008, Lefkos Hajji, a 28-year-old contractor from London, devised a romantic scheme to propose to his girlfriend: First, he bought her a $12,000-diamond engagement ring and then took it to a florist. There, he bought a beautiful bouquet of flowers and had the ring placed inside a balloon, which was then filled with
helium and attached to a string. Hajji would present the flowers to his love along with a pin; she would pop the balloon as he popped the question. But he never got the chance. Hajji had only gone a few steps away from the flower shop when the string slipped out of his hand. He watched in horror as the balloon—with his ring inside—floated away in the wind. “I felt like such a plonker,” he said. “It cost a fortune, and I knew my girlfriend would kill me.” He searched frantically for two hours but was unable to find it. After he admitted his goof to his girlfriend, she refused to speak to him until he found or replaced the ring. At last report, it was still gone.

In 2008 a woman in Orem, Utah, called 911 to report that she was locked
inside
her luxury car. The battery was dead and the key chain’s remote control would no longer open her door. When officers arrived, they tried to yell instructions through the closed window but the woman couldn’t hear them, so they called her on her cell phone…and explained how to manually slide the locking mechanism located next to her on the door panel.

In Louisiana a woman awoke to her phone ringing in the middle of the night. As she placed the receiver against her ear, a man whose voice she didn’t recognize exclaimed, “I’ve killed them all!” The woman immediately put down the phone and called police, who were able to trace the call to a man named Thomas Ballard. They barged into Ballard’s apartment and questioned him about his “confession.” After a little confusion, Ballard admitted that earlier that evening, he had killed “all the bad guys” in a video game and had intended to call his friend to brag…but accidentally dialed a wrong number.

“If we could sell our experiences for what they cost us, we’d all be millionaires.”

—
Abigail Van Buren

Coco Chanel (1883–1971) was the first celebrity fashion designer. Among her contributions: the little black dress, Chanel No. 5 perfume, and these quotes
.

“Elegance is the art of refusal.”

“How many cares one loses when one decides not to be something, but to be some
one
.”

“Fashion is architecture: It is a matter of proportions.”

“Luxury must be comfortable; otherwise it is not luxury.”

“Since everything is in our heads, we had better not lose them.”

“I invented my life by taking for granted that everything I did not like would have an opposite, which I would like.”

“True generosity means accepting ingratitude.”

“Nature gives you the face you have at 20; it is up to you to merit the face you have at 50.”

“Success is often achieved by those who don’t know that failure is inevitable.”

“Those who create are rare. Those who cannot are numerous. Therefore, the latter are stronger.”

“The most courageous act is still to think for yourself. Aloud.”

“There are people who have money…and there are people who are rich.”

“A woman who doesn’t wear perfume has no future.”

“There is no time for cut-and-dried monotony. There is time for work. And time for love. That leaves no other time.”

“Fashion is made to become unfashionable.”

“A fashion that does not reach the streets is not a fashion.”

“If a woman is badly dressed, people will notice her clothes. If she is impeccably dressed, they will notice her.”

“One can get used to ugliness, but never to negligence.”

“If you were born without wings, do nothing to prevent their growing.”

“Fashion fades; only style remains the same.”

Better living through bathroom technology

O
NE-ARMED BANDIT
Inventor:
David Muir, Jr., of Centreville, Virginia
Product:
The Urinator—a “self-flushing urinal with an integrated gaming and reward system.”

How It Works:
Designed for public restrooms, the Urinator is a slot machine, except that it’s a game of “skill,” not luck, and it dispenses reward coupons instead of cash. The customer inserts a coin and then, if he hits the target on the urinal, an LCD screen drops down to provide entertainment while the urinal dispenses a prize. “It is envisioned that the Urinator may provide tickets for free products upon the attainment of certain amounts of a customer urine output coordinated with appropriate accuracy,” Muir says.

Company:
Weeman of Australia

Product:
“The world’s first little boy’s toilet training urinal”

How It Works:
The Weeman is a bucket-like device with a hinged hook that allows it to be hung from the front rim of a standard toilet, creating a urinal small and low enough for even the youngest boys to use. When your son has completed his business, the hinge allows you—or him—to flip the urinal up (
carefully, carefully
!) and pour the contents into the bowl via a “patented, no-splash or drip self-washing design.” “Best of all,” says the company, “your little boy can enjoy the satisfaction of going to the toilet ‘standing up just like Dad!’”

Inventor:
Jo Lapidge of Canberra, Australia

Product:
The Litter Kwitter, a toilet training device for cats

How It Works:
After you’ve finished teaching your little boy to shoot straight, why not continue on to the cat? The Litter Kwitter is the latest development in man’s eternal struggle to get the cat
to use the toilet, so that man can get out of cleaning the cat box. The method of cat training is similar to the one we described in
Uncle John’s Ahh-Inspiring Bathroom Reader
a few years back: Set the special litter box next to the toilet, and after the cat gets accustomed to using it for a few weeks, move it onto the toilet seat. At the bottom of the litter box is an adjustable opening. Over the next two months, gradually increase the size of the hole as the cat gets better at balancing on the toilet seat, until you reach the fully open position and the cat is squatting over the open bowl. (Lapidge says the invention was inspired by the toilet-trained cat in the movie
Meet the Fockers
.)

Inventor:
Florence Doleac, a French designer

Product:
The Poignee Signaletique, or “Identifiable Door Handle”

How It Works:
The Identifiable Door Handle addresses the problem of how to direct people who don’t speak your language to the nearest restroom. (Uncle John thought the problem had already been solved with the universal man and woman pictograph signs commonly found on restroom doors, but apparently not.) Doleac’s solution: a door handle that looks and feels like a bronzed turd. (Really.) The handle on the outside of the door shows foreign guests where the bathroom is; the handle on the inside of the door is there “for inspiration,” says the inventor.

Company:
Jammin’ Johns

Product:
The Jammin’ Johns Studio Series “Guitarlet” toilet seat

How It Works:
The Guitarlet is a toilet seat with a lid that looks like the face of an acoustic guitar. Jammin’ Johns says they are made by an “actual guitar company that manufactures some of the most popular brands of guitars,” which chooses to remain anonymous for obvious reasons. Also available: the “Screamer,” which looks like an electric guitar, and the “P-ano,” which looks like a concert grand. (Jammin’ Johns’ company slogan: “Music to Your Rear!”)