Uncle John’s Unstoppable Bathroom Reader (6 page)

Widest waterfall in the world: Victoria Falls in Africa (almost a mile wide).

FLUBBED HEADLINES

These are 100% honest-to-goodness headlines. Can you figure out what they’re trying to say?

I
NFERTILITY UNLIKELY TO BE PASSED ON

CRITICS SAY SUNKEN SHIPS NOT SEAWORTHY

S
TUDY
F
INDS
S
EX
, P
REGNANCY
L
INK

A
IR
H
EAD
F
IRED

Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted

S
URVIVOR OF
S
IAMESE
T
WINS
J
OINS
P
ARENTS

State Says Cost of Saving Money Too High

LUNG CANCER IN WOMEN MUSHROOMS

Man Steals Clock, Faces Time

Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board

ELIZABETH DOLE HAD NO CHOICE BUT TO RUN AS A WOMAN

DEER AND TURKEY HUNT FOR DISABLED PEOPLE

Axe For Media School’s Head

Summer Schools Boost Scrores

Study Says Snoring Drivers Have More Accidents

W
OMEN
B
OWLERS
V
OTE
T
O
K
EEP
T
HEIR
S
KIRTS
O
N

Hillary Clinton on Welfare

IF STRIKE ISN’T SETTLED QUICKLY, IT MAY LAST A WHILE

A
STRONAUT
T
AKES
B
LAME FOR
G
AS IN
S
PACECRAFT

N
EW
S
TUDY OF
O
BESITY
L
OOKS FOR
L
ARGER
T
EST
G
ROUP

COLD WAVE LINKED TO TEMPERATURES

Pataki Proposes Allowing Pickups on State Parkways

Montezuma Mourns Banker Slain in Attack with Flowers

R
EAL
E
STATE
E
XECUTIVE
S
OLD ON
C
ITY
M
ARKET

P
ECAN
S
CAB
D
ISEASE
C
AUSING
N
UTS TO
F
ALL
O
FF

The meaning of “cool” as in “that’s really cool, man” has been in use since the 1880s.

UNCLE JOHN’S STALL OF FAME

Uncle John is amazed—and pleased—by the creative way people get involved with bathrooms, toilets, toilet paper, etc. That’s why he created the “Stall of Fame.”

H
onoree:
The Reverend Susan Brown, minister at the Church of Scotland’s cathedral in Dornoch, Scotland
Notable Achievement:
Giving the roll with a hole a holy role.

True Story:
When she performs a marriage, Reverend Brown always gives the same wedding gift to the newlyweds: a twin-pack of toilet paper. Why toilet paper? And why a pack of
two
rolls, instead of one or three?

It’s symbolic, Reverend Brown explains. “There are two rolls together, just like the couple. And the toilet paper is soft, gentle, long, and strong, which is what I hope their marriage will be.” Reverend Brown married Madonna and director Guy Ritchie in December 2000; they got toilet paper, too.

Honoree:
Dr. Tom Keating, also known as “Bathroom Man,” a former teacher from Decatur, Georgia

Notable Achievement:
Taking his daughter’s restroom complaint and turning it into a personal crusade to clean up America’s school bathrooms.

True Story:
In the late 1980s, Dr. Keating’s daughter, an eighth-grader, complained to him about the messy state of the bathrooms at her school. First he addressed the problem at her school…then he started checking the restroom conditions at other schools. It turned into an obsession, and soon Keating had founded a group called Project C.L.E.A.N.—Citizens, Learners, and Educators Against Neglect—which works with students, teachers, and administrators to improve the condition of their restrooms.

In a typical school visit, Keating tours the restrooms, notes all the problems—messiness, vandalism, missing toilet paper and other supplies—and works with school officials to come up with a strategy. Then, with the help of students, bathrooms are painted, lighting is improved, damage is repaired, and any fixtures prone to vandalism—such as soap and toilet paper dispensers—are replaced with vandal-resistant models.

Carpenter’s pencils are square so they don’t roll off roofs.

“It all comes down to respect,” Keating says. “Kids have to respect their school restrooms as if they were their own, and faculty, staff, and administration have to respect the students as young adults who can be trusted to take care of their basic, biological needs in an acceptable setting.” And there’s a bonus—Keating believes that cleaner bathrooms can lead to better grades. “Students will pay closer attention in class if they’re not worried about ‘holding it in’ until school is over,” he says.

Honoree:
Monell Chemical Senses Center, a research facility in Philadelphia

Notable Achievement:
Turning sour smells into sweet success

True Story:
In November 2002, the U.S. National Research Council called for a massive increase in the amount of money the Pentagon spends on nonlethal weapons. So the army is now looking into malodorants, substances so stinky that the military can use them to disperse crowds, empty buildings, and keep enemies away from sensitive areas. And Monell is at the cutting edge of research. They cook up the stinkiest smells they can think of, then let volunteers of all nationalities and cultures sniff them to make sure they have worldwide dis-appeal. Monell’s worst odors:

• “Who Me?” which smells like the odorant added to natural gas (if you’ve ever smelled a gas leak, that’s the smell), combined with the smell of rotting mushrooms.

• “Bathroom Malodor,” a nasty, poopy smell that’s mixed with the smell of rotting rodents. The lab also sells this smell to makers of bathroom cleansers, who use it to test the effectiveness of new products.

• “Stench Soup,” a combination of “Who Me?” and “Bathroom Malodor.”

So which of these three smells is considered most offensive by the most people? “Bathroom Malodor,” hands down—nothing else comes close. “We got cursed in a lot of different languages when we tested that,” says researcher Pamela Dalton.

Most valid credit cards owned by 1 person: 1,397.

IT’S A WEIRD, WEIRD WORLD

Proof that truth really is stranger than fiction
.

W
HITE ON!
“A University of Northern Colorado intramural basketball team has been inundated with T-shirt requests since naming itself ‘The Fightin’ Whites.’ The team, made up of Native Americans, Hispanics, and Anglos, chose the name because nearby Easton High refused to change
its
nickname from ‘Reds’ and drop its American Indian caricature logo. The team plans to donate profits from the shirts to an American Indian organization. The shirts show a 1950s-style caricature of a middle-aged white man with the phrase ‘Every thang’s gonna be all white!’”

—
USA Today

OUT TO LUNCH

“At a hospital in Nashville, Tennessee, on election day, nurses went into the room of a 72-year-old woman to prepare her for open-heart surgery, only to find the woman wasn’t there. Instead they found a note which read, ‘Gone to vote, back in 30 minutes.’ An election official later confirmed an elderly woman with IVs coming out of her arms had indeed come in to vote.”

—
Bloomington-Normal
Pantagraph

FISHY BEHAVIOR

“A student at Carnegie Mellon University in Pittsburgh, Pa., has arranged an ‘external study’ in lieu of regular classes, consisting of his dressing as a lobster, building a shelter on campus from scrap lumber and living in it. Fine-arts major Bill Kofmehl III, also known as ‘Lobster Boy,’ moved into the shelter February 1, vowing not to speak to anyone for three months. He did, however, occasionally climb to the roof in his lobster costume and make noises through a cardboard tube and a bullhorn.”

—
Chicago Sun-Times

Hey, sweetie: Aspartame is 200 times sweeter than sugar; saccharin is 500 times sweeter.

HONEY, I’M HOME

“Trish and Vincent Caminiti of Bayport, NY, returned from a three-week vacation to find that 20,000 bees had established a hive in the walls of their home. According to neighbors, the swarm arrived in a dense, black, 10-foot-wide funnel cloud that buzzed so loud some thought it was an aircraft. The swarm then entered the home one at a time through a hole only a half-inch in diameter in the wall of the house.”

—
Strange Tails

DON’T BE CHICKEN

“The Associated Press reported that some Pittsburgh parents recently held chicken pox “parties” for their kids. The parties involve having one kid with a current outbreak of the disease mingle with other kids to infect them, too, so that they would acquire a lifetime immunity. These parents apparently want their kids to avoid standard immunizations because of the side effects.”

—
News of the Weird

TALIBAN(G)

“Hoping to defend his nation’s honor, former Taliban foreign minister Wakil Ahmed Muttawakil challenged U.S. president George Bush and British prime minister Tony Blair to a duel, suggesting that they fight former Afghan leader Mullah Omar with Kalashnikov assault rifles. Needless to say, they didn’t take him up on the offer.”

—
National Post

DUCK!

“Workers from White’s Mobile Home Supply were hanging axles under a trailer when lightning struck nearby. They came out from under the home only to be greeted by a sight they’ll never forget.

“‘About 20 to 30 seconds after the lightning struck, stuff started falling from the sky,’ owner Ron White said. ‘At first they thought it was tennis shoes. Then they realized it was ducks.’

“The workers collected 20 mallards from the mobile home park. “‘Lightning can hit ducks, but it is rare,’ said Arkansas Game and Fish Commission biologist Mike Checkett. ‘I think this is something they’ll remember for the rest of their lives.’”

—
SFGate

Water can flow through a plant at 4 mph.

ICKY LICKY STICKS

We were saving this page for our next
Bathroom Reader for Kids Only,
but then thought that everyone should be warned. These are 100% real
.

S
NOT SHOTS.
Green bits of supersour, fruit-flavored bubble gum (also available: Blood Balls—gumballs filled with powdered candy that colors the mouth red).

CRAPPIN’ CRITTERS.
These are models of cows, sheep, and other animals, which emit chocolate-brown jelly beans.

TOXIC WASTE HAZARDOUSLY SOUR CANDY.
Hard candies packaged in an industrial drum. After sucking through the supersour outer layer, you get a sweet center. But then—
yow!
—you get an even more painfully sour hidden center.

EVERY FLAVOR BEANS.
Inspired by
Harry Potter
, these look like ordinary jelly beans…until you take a bite. Some of the 38 flavors—like banana, root beer, chocolate pudding, and buttered toast—are tasty. But there’s also sardine, horseradish, grass, black pepper, dirt, vomit, and booger.
Warning:
The horseradish and coconut beans are both white.

ICKY LICKY STICKS.
“Tasty sweet liquid candy packaged in grotesque human body parts! A wart-covered foot seeps cherry toe jam candy, a bloodshot eyeball oozes cherry eye mucous candy, and a runny, wart-covered nose leaks sour apple snot candy.”

INSECTNSIDE.
Made to look like fossilized amber—it’s really a clear amber-colored toffee candy…with a
real
cricket sealed inside.

OH RATZ.
It’s a gummy rat, which you’re supposed to dip into candy powder contained in a tiny plastic garbage can.

SOUR FLUSH.
Candy powder in a plastic toilet bowl.

RAT PIZZA.
A gummy pizza with a gummy rat on top. (They also make Worm Wiener, a gummy worm in a gummy hot dog bun.)

CHOCKA CA-CA.
A piece of chocolate fudge that comes in a baby diaper. Packaged in a gift box—pink for girls, blue for boys.

The automobile was invented in 1886; the used car lot (17 cars) was invented in 1897.