Unforgivably Broken (The Broken Series Book Two) (7 page)

My thoughts were hazy as I first became aware of the brightness behind my eyelids. I felt light-headed and I knew somewhere in the back of my mind that I must have been dreaming. I stretched, groaning as the ache in my chest registered with the movement. My muscles were stiff as I fought to clear my head, trying to remember where I was and how long I’d been asleep.

The memories of the previous night flooded me. The absence of Lili’s weight against me was obvious then and I pried my eyes open, blinking to focus as I glanced quickly around the room. I spotted Lili almost immediately. She was sitting sideways on the edge of the bed, her teeth toying with the metal in her lip as she stared at the wall across from her. She didn’t look at me but I could tell by the soft sigh that she knew I was awake.

“Hey,” I said, drawing her eyes to mine. The paleness of her face and swelling around her eyes told me everything I needed to know. “Did you sleep at all?”

She shrugged and her gaze slid back to the wall, away from me. “A little.”

Slowly pushing myself to a sitting position, I reached out to her. She looked at my hand, then my face, before finally scooting closer and crossing her legs, sitting opposite me but just far enough away that I couldn’t touch her. I hated it. I hated that she felt the need to distance herself from me but I could see the resolve in her expression. She was protecting herself.

“Can we talk now?”

Her eyes dropped to her lap and she took a deep breath before looking back up at me. “Is it yours?” She apparently wasn’t hesitant to jump right into the hardest part of what we needed to discuss.

Feeling somewhat defensive, though I had no reason to, I carefully crossed my legs, resting my elbows near my knees as I leaned forward. I ran both hands over my head and pressed my forehead into my palms as I stared at the blanket covering my lap. “I don’t know.”

“But it could be.” This wasn’t a question and her tone changed, causing me to scowl at her.

“Yes, okay? It could be,” I snapped and she narrowed her eyes at me. Her anger fueled my own and though somewhere in the logical part of my brain I knew better, I continued. “What? It’s not like you didn’t know I fucked her.”

The flash of pain across
Lili’s face was so brief that if I weren’t watching for it, I would’ve missed it completely. The hurt was instantly gone and the mask of the invulnerable girl was in place, just as I knew it would be.

“Well, it takes a certain kind of dumbass to sleep with a woman that he divorced for cheating. And only a moron would fuck a whore without a fucking condom.”

“Do you
really
want to start comparing who we’ve been with recently? Because…” I trailed off, stopping myself before I took this any further. Clenching my jaw, I swallowed the anger still bubbling up from the pit of my stomach. She was right and I knew it.

She was silent and I dropped my eyes between us. As I did, my gaze locked on the scar along the side of her foot. It was one of many marks left on her from her escape and it was a reminder to me of my own injury
— a reminder of almost losing her.

“I rarely let myself get as trashed as I was that night.” My voice was barely above a whisper. The hazy memories of that night were painful but I wanted her to understand. I needed her to. “It felt like I hadn’t slept in days and I had been
everywhere
looking for you. I ended up at Silver Moon. I don’t know why, but I was hoping… I don’t know. I was just worried. I knew Adam was…” I didn’t finish that thought, not sure I wanted to go down the path of what Adam was doing.

Finally, I looked up at
Lili, meeting her eyes. “I was terrified. And then he sent me a picture of you and him…” I shook my head, wishing I could un-see the final image Adam sent of him and Lili kissing. “I flirted with the waitress until she brought me the entire bottle of tequila. The next thing I can really remember is Kas screaming my name. I’ve got a few fuzzy memories that came back later but the thing is, I’ve already apologized for this. I can’t… I can’t undo what happened. The mistakes I’ve made…”

I ran my fingers along the hem of my pajama pants, pinching the fabric and tugging at a loose string while the silence built around us. The mistakes I made that night were never-ending, it seemed. For the first time since Lizzie’s announcement, I let myself truly consider the possibility of having another child with her.

Lili’s thoughts seemed to follow the same path mine had. “So, if it is yours, where does that leave us?”

I reached for her, needing her close as I saw the vulnerability of my
Lili return. I hissed as the movement pulled the still tight muscles of my back. I hated having to stretch so much to loosen up now. Lili’s eyes widened, clearly concerned. I held out my palm, curling my fingers to beg for her hand. She let me pull her closer, helping me adjust until I was sitting back against the pillows and she was on my lap again, facing me and as close as I could get her. I could see her eyes shining with the tears she refused to shed and I cupped her cheeks, pulling her face close and pressing my lips against her forehead, her nose, and the very corner of her mouth before holding her just far enough away that I could see her entire face clearly.

“As far as I’m concerned
, it changes nothing between us, Pixie. Nothing. I will love my child but I don’t love her and nothing is going to change that. I…” I couldn’t seem to find the right words and I could see Lili’s uncertainty. I released her face and grabbed her hand, holding it against my chest, directly over my heart. “My heart is still beating because of my son. So many times over the last few years, I’ve wanted to give up. Conner is the reason I keep going. He
is
my heart. If this child turns out to be mine, and I’m not convinced that it is, but if it is, I will feel exactly the same way about him or her as I do Conner. They will each be half of my reason for existing.”

Lili
stared at me, her wide eyes still shimmering as she took in my words. I pulled her hand from my chest, holding it between us in both of mine as I continued. “Conner
is
my heart, Lili, but you
have
my heart.” I squeezed her hand and looked down at it. “
You
hold it. I’m trusting you, giving you this part of me willingly.” I dropped my voice again, the depth of my feelings for her nearly overwhelming me as I began realizing it myself. “And this is the most important piece of me because it includes my son.”

I saw her tears fall between us before I looked back up at her face. “
I’m trusting you,” I repeated, still holding her hand as I tried to find a way to explain. “Conner will always be my heart. He will be a part of me forever. No matter what happens in his life, he will always be my son. But you…” I had to swallow the lump in my throat before I could continue. “You could crush me in a way he never can because you could choose to walk away.”

Lili
leaned forward and I reached out, pulling her to me as she buried her face in my neck. She sobbed softly and I held her tightly, fighting to keep my own emotions in check as I let her work through what I’d said.

“Never
,” she breathed against my neck on a sob. She pulled away just a tiny bit, tilting her chin up to look in my eyes. “I’ll never walk away. You own every piece of my heart, Zane.”

I stayed curled against Zane’s chest much longer than I had intended but the exhaustion of my sleep deprived body caught up to me once my emotions calmed. I didn’t sleep so much as doze off and on, some part of my brain aware that I should move because I was probably hurting him but I couldn’t bring myself to do it. I needed the comfort of his arms.

“What’s going on in that beautiful head of yours?” Zane finally
asked, his voice soft as his fingers trailed slowly through my hair.

Smiling, I pressed my lips against the bare skin of his shoulder. “I’m just thinking about relationships.”

“Ours or in general?”

I moved, carefully crossing my arms over his chest and lightly resting my chin on my hands as I looked up at him. “Both.”

He smiled warmly at my response and brushed my hair behind my ear. The simplicity of the gesture had tears stinging my eyes. His gaze slid back and forth as he watched me, seeing more than anyone else ever could as he read my expression. “And what exactly are you thinking about them?”

“I’ve never…” I started, swallowing the emotions so I could continue. “I’ve never done this before. I’ve never wanted anyone this
way and something you said… stung.” I didn’t want to say it hurt, though it did, but I didn’t want to upset him. I knew we were both feeling on edge and unsure of what was going to happen.

Zane’s brow furrowed as he traced the pad of his index finger along my jaw lightly, encouraging my eyes back to his from where they had drifted. “I’m so
—”

I sat up quickly, effectively cutting him off. “No. Don’t…” I rested back on his legs, taking a deep breath. “I don’t want you to apologize. That’s just…”

“I was rude and completely out of line.”

“But you were right.”

He reached for my face but paused, lowering his hand to mine where it rested against the hard lines of his abs. He slid his hand over mine, not pressing it against his stomach but lightly tracing his fingers along the length of mine. I could feel his gaze urging me to look up but I needed another minute to get my own emotions in check.

“What was I right about?”
he finally asked, his attempt at drawing my eyes up working.

“You’ve already apologized for that night. You shouldn’t have to do it again.” He started to speak but I shook my head, not wanting him to interrupt me. “But I get to be upset about this, Zane. I may not know much about relationships but I know that things like this are… big.
Relationship ending big, if they aren’t handled right. I get to be upset. I get to…” I took a shaky breath, determined to hold it together. “I get to cry because she has a part of you inside her. I get to feel hurt that she’s the one giving you a child. That’s my right.”

“Why are we talking like this is a definite issue?”

“Wouldn’t you rather be prepared for it to be yours and celebrate when it’s not rather than going about life assuming it’s not and getting slapped with the news later that it is? Isn’t it ‘innocent until proven guilty?’” I knew I wanted to be prepared. Well, as prepared as anyone could be in this situation.

He watched our hands as I traced them along his stomach, running them up to cover the still pink and puckered scar over his ribs. “I’m pretty sure Conner’s test was proof enough of Lizzie’s guilt. Fool me once…”
he trailed off, not finishing the saying. I could see his point but I still wanted to be prepared.

I thought about my life, about our future, and how permanently entangled it was with Lizzie. Conner was old enough now that Zane had a separate birthday celebration with him when he had him. Last year, it caused a huge fight because Lizzie hadn’t done much for Conner and she got pissed that Zane planned a party for his weekend and didn’t invite her. She almost didn’t let Conner come. Zane attended the party Lizzie threw also but we usually did something with him as a group. It kept us from really having to interact with Lizzie. But I was with Zane now and that changed everything.

There would be a bond between Lizzie and Zane that I couldn’t compete with no matter how hard I tried. All the doctor appointments and decisions to be made… the birth. Would he want me at the hospital? This baby, this tiny little life that was half him, would be impossible not to love. I didn’t doubt for a second that I could love any child of Zane’s but how did it work in situations like this? Lizzie would have a say in who could be around her child. What if she decided she didn’t want me around?