Unplugged (A Portrait of a Rock Star) (18 page)

Retrospectively, I should never have ended my intimacy with the musical instrument.  I silently vowed, right then and there, to make it part of my life again.  Of course I’d have to purchase a new piano, guitar and violin, all of which were lost in the recent fire.  I think I discarded the saxophone long before I moved into my Somers’ Point house.

As November Rain was coming to an end, a little boy came in and stood at the edge of the piano.  “You’re really good, Mister.”  The little boy’s smile was almost heartbreaking.  The whole right side of his face was covered in white burn scars, but his huge blue eyes and the deep dimple on his left cheek revealed a handsome face in spite of his disfigurement. 

“Well, thank you very much.  Do you play?” I was curious to his interest.

The boy’s eyes grew wide.  “Me?…Oh, no sir, we don’t have a piano at my house.  We can’t afford one.”

“Would you like me to show you how to play something?”

“You would do that?” His big blue eyes looked like tiny swimming pools.

“Of course, but first I need to know your name.   Mine is Tagg.”

“Hi Tagg.  I’m Bobby and I’m ten.”

I got up and pulled one of the folding chairs, that were standing against the far wall, up to the piano.  “Sit down, Bobby, I’ll show you how to play Heart and Soul.”

A tall, dark-haired nurse, holding a scowl on her face, entered the room. “Bobby.  Young man, you just can’t wander around the hospital whenever you feel like it.” 

“Oh, Nurse Betty, Tagg was gonna show me how to play something.  Can I stay?  Please, Nurse Betty?”

Nurse Betty showed recognition immediately in her expression.  “Tagg Holland?”

I smiled and nodded.  “I was just about to show Bobby here how to play Heart and Soul.”

Nurse Betty walked over to one of the couches and sat down.  “Okay, Bobby, but only for a few minutes.

It took me all of about ten minutes to show Bobby his part of Heart and Soul, but when I played my part along with him, it was as if I bought him the hottest new video game.  “Wow.  I can’t believe I played that.  I sounded awesome.”

“You did, Bobby.   What we played was called a ‘duet.’  It’s pretty cool, isn’t it?”

“Yeah.  Can we play it again?”

Nurse Betty chimed in before I could answer.  “One more time Bobby, then we have to get you back to your room.  Doc’s going to be checking on an empty bed if we don’t get you back there.”

“Okay, Bobby, let’s make this a good one.  Ready sport.”

Heart and Soul.

Let me just say, those fifteen minutes with Bobby was better than any two hours I’ve ever spent on stage.   The time it took to teach him how to play something on the piano was not only inspiring; it fed both my heart and my soul.

Mara’s tubes were securely inserted and the rest of her testing was complete.  For now.  When I saw her sitting up in her bed, it thrilled me to see she was awake and slightly coherent.

“Mara, sweetheart,” I knew nothing to say except one thing.  “I love you.”  I kissed her on the unbandaged side of her face.  “You must be in so much pain, love.”

She nodded only slightly and blinked her eyes.

“You can’t talk?”  My stomach started turning again.  I couldn’t bear to see her like this.

“It hurts,” was what came out as a raspy whisper.

“From the smoke inhalation?”

Another nod.  Another raspy answer.  “And the coughing.”

Now I nodded.  I took her hand and sat down in the chair next to her bed.  “I’m so sorry for all of this, Mara.”

“Stop.” She barely whispered.  “Stop being sorry.”  I barely heard her.

“Don’t talk, sweetie.  I need to say this, so don’t feel compelled to speak, please.”  I inhaled for courage.  “For those brief moments, when I was searching for you in the fire, I thought I had lost you for good.  As low as I’ve felt in the past, I have never felt as dead as when I thought you were.  And, although I should have never left you alone, guilt was not the only thing driving my desire to die." I took a deep breath to regain some composure.  "Mara, I would not want to be in this world, if you were not a part of it.  It hasn’t been long that I have known you, but from the very beginning, it wasn’t hard to tell that you are my reason for living.  God sent you to me.  I know that.  Whatever damage has been done to you, whatever you can or cannot do, I will make it my life’s work to care for you." I got down on my knees next to her bed.  "I love you, Mara Giordano-Carson and I want you to be in my life forever.  I want you to be my wife.  I don’t have a ring right now, but it’s my heart I am offering to you.  I can buy you any ring you’d like, but it is my heart and my soul that are yours for the taking.  Please Mara, marry me.”

Mara squeezed my hand as tight as her fragile little fingers could muster.  She blinked and I saw a tear fall from her eye.  Mara winced from the pain the salt left on her scars.  I tried to deny the almost imperceptible turn of her head.  Once to the right.  Once to the left.  I didn’t want to believe that she was saying no to me, so I put my finger to her lips.  “Shh.  I don’t need an answer today.”  I tried not to show my disappointment.  Mara’s been through enough, so I kissed her.  And let it be.

If she didn’t want to marry me, then she had her reasons.  I had to respect that.

 But my heart was quietly shattering.

“Tagg,” barely came out of her injured voice.

“Mara.  I didn’t mean to put you on the spot.  The last thing I wanted to do was cause you more pain.  Please try not to talk.  It’s okay.  I promise you.  We’ll talk about it when you’re better…or not… it’s totally your call.”  My smile at her was genuine.  I wanted her to be happy, no matter the cost to me.

Caroline came in.  “Hey Tagg, how’s she doing?”  Then she caught the sight of Mara sitting up in bed.  “Oh baby,” Caroline practically leaped over to the other side of the bed.  “Oh baby, baby, you’re up.  How are you feeling?”  Caroline brushed Mara’s face with the back of her fingertips.  Mara gave a vague nod and a tiny flutter with her eyes.

“It hurts her throat to talk.”  I told Caroline.

“Oh sweetie.”  Caroline wanted to take Mara’s right hand, but refrained, because it was wrapped in bandages and Caroline didn’t want to aggravate it anymore.

“Caroline.”  I carefully let go of Mara’s left hand and walked to the end of the bed.  “Her left hand is not burned.  I’ll leave you two alone for a while.”  I turned my attention towards Mara.  “I’ll be back in a little bit.  I’ll give you some time with your mom.  Love you.”

“Tagg.” Mara gravely murmured.  “I love you.”

I smiled.  “I know.”

***

Mom and Dad were walking toward Mara’s room.  “Hey Tagg, are we not allowed in yet?”  Mom asked, because I was not in the room with Mara.

“No, we are.  Her mom’s with her now.  I just needed a minute.  You can go in.”

Mom put her hand on my arm.  “Okay, honey.”

“Kenya, you go ahead, I need to talk with Taggart.”

“No Dad.  You don’t.”  I really was not in the mood for Auggie and his opinions.  Or his fisticuffs.

However, he insisted on following me into the all-purpose room.  I sat at the piano again and played the melody to Mara's Song.

“You’re still a wizard on the piano, I see.”

“Mmm.”

“Taggart, listen, I’m sorry I got heated before. I shouldn’t have struck you like that.  I just wanted you to see the importance of the commitment you made.”

Striking your kid was normal, wasn’t it? “I know my commitments, Dad.”  My gaze stayed on my fingers while I continued to play.  “I’m not going to let anyone down.  I will fulfill my obligations.”  I hoped he heard my sarcasm.

“Good.  And you’ll be happy to be back on stage again.  I know you will.”

“Yeah.”  Right.  I wasn’t in the mood to argue with Auggie.  I had just asked the woman, who had me head over heels, to marry me.  And she rejected me.  What happened after that held no meaning for me.  It was all insubstantial after that.  Except, of course, for Mara’s recovery.  That was of utmost importance.

“Why aren’t you ever happy, Taggart?”

I ceased my piano playing.  My dad’s reproachful attitude was causing my indignation.  He was so adamant about my following in his footsteps that he was becoming relentless about it.  Like I wanted to be some sixty-year old rock star still looking for the greatest lay.  That was his life.  His dream.  If he wanted to live vicariously through me, he should have never retired.  He had a better rapport with the guys in my band than I had; I should have just let him take over when he originally made the threat.

  I spun around on the piano bench to face him.  “You know what Augustus?  You may have never bonded so strongly with someone that no one or nothing mattered in comparison, but I have.  And that someone, whom I connect with, whom I love so significantly, is so near death, that I cannot help but die right along with her.  And unless she recovers, one-hundred percent, nothing else in my world holds any value.  I know you can’t understand that kind of love, flitting from one woman to another, but that’s how it is.  I’ll go along with this stupid tour and ridiculous comeback album, because it’s the right thing to do, but my heart is not in it, nor will it ever be.  Nor was it ever.  So just drop it.  Will you?  Keep your condescending, arrogant opinions to yourself.”  I turned back to the piano and continued Mara's Song.

Auggie walked out.

The next day, I did show up at the studio to continue work on the album.  But, like I told Auggie yesterday, my heart was not in it.  My heart was in that hospital room with Mara, hooked up to all kinds of machines and bandaged from head to toe.  Mara didn’t want me hanging out with her.  She wanted to sleep and thought I’d be bored sitting there watching her.  Like I’d ever be bored in her presence.

After recording, I went car shopping and found an appropriate car immediately.  Not that Mara’s little Beetle was bad, but it wasn’t fast enough for me.  The 2011 Audi R8 Convertible was.  Jet Metallic Blue.  Cream Interior.  I had Ronnie come with me.  Since I was paying cash, I was able to take the car home that day.  Ronnie followed me up to Oak Ridge.  I told Caroline that I’d pick up some books that Mara might like to read when she’s up to it.  Caroline also thought she might want her favorite Eeyore pajamas, but I thought the doctors may not exactly recommend that.  I agreed to pick it up, nonetheless, along with her pink fluffy robe and fuzzy slippers.

Ronnie parked Mara’s Beetle at the back of the driveway and plopped himself on her front porch.

“I’ll get you something to drink, if she has anything.”  I asked him.

“Don’t worry about it, Tagg, if I want anything, I’ll get it myself.  It’s nice here, by the way.  I don’t get to see many farms down where I live.”

“No, not many farms down the shore.  I’ll only be a little bit.”

“No prob.” Ronnie put his feet up on the porch railing, crossed his hands over his stomach, put his head back and closed his eyes.  As if he hadn’t a care in the world.

I should be so lucky. 

I unlocked Mara’s door and let the antique screen door swing shut behind me.  I gathered the items Caroline had requested and I found a bag to put it all in.  On the coffee table, I spotted a familiar book.  Her journal.  The one entitled, ‘My letters to Brad.’  I didn’t want to invade her privacy and sneak a peek, but I was curious.  Similarly to the first time I opened it, I used my pinky to open it.  Then I just sat down and pulled it up to my lap.  The last entry was Thursday night.  Four nights ago.  The night before she came down by me.  Four nights after our first official date, when we’d declared our love for each other.

I wasn’t going to sink so low as to read it.  Mara trusted me, but I was in a quandary about whether or not to at least sneak a sentence or two, just to get a glimpse of Mara’s true feelings.  Her rejection had alerted some doubt in how she felt for me, and the diary may just hold the answer.  It was addressed to her late husband and if she were still writing to him, than didn’t it stand to reason that she still loved him?  And, if she still loved him, then could she really love me?  However, my conscience won over my curiosity.  I closed the book and placed it back on the coffee table.

The screen door creaked open.  “Tagg, you almost done?”

“Yup.”  I grabbed the stuff, locked the door and left.

I put on the radio in my new Audi and pretty much tore out of the driveway.  I put the XM radio on classic rock and cranked it up.  We had listened to Van Halen, AC/DC, Led Zeppelin and The Rolling Stones before Ronnie said anything.  “You’re quiet Tagg, and you look upset.  Not that you have a tendency toward happiness much.”

My sideways glance was meant to give fair warning, but Ronnie had already been laughing at his own joke.

Ronnie lowered the radio’s volume.  “Really Tagg.  What’s wrong, besides Mara being hurt and all?  Unless, that’s it, but I don’t really think that’s all that’s on your mind.”  He paused.  I didn’t answer.  “Tagg, we used to be best friends.  We could talk about anything.  I’m still here and I’m the same guy.  So, why are you still shutting me out?”

Since Ronnie had turned the radio down, I concentrated on the sound of my breathing.

“Fine.  Keep it bottled up.  Go hibernate for another decade or so.”  And then he turned the music back up. To a blaring volume.

That was fine with me.  What was I going to say?  ‘My girlfriend doesn’t want to marry me and she still writes letters to her dead boyfriend?’  No.  Rejection was hard enough to admit.  But acknowledging the fact that Mara was still in love with her beloved Bradley was nearly inconceivable.

The speedometer read almost one hundred as I accelerated down the Garden State Parkway.   I was petulant and the gas pedal was my scapegoat.  I thought the faster I went, I’d be able to escape my thoughts, but in a car, no matter how fast I pushed it, that wasn’t going to happen.  What I needed to do was run.

“Tagg, it’s late.  Why don’t you crash here tonight?  Auggie’s house is another thirty minutes away.  You can leave in the morning.”  Ronnie offered as we turned down his street.

“Thanks, but I’m not tired.  I can’t sleep anyway.  I’ll see you on Wednesday at the Studio.  Thanks…Ron?”

“Yeah?” Ron answered before he got out of the car.

“When I’m able to talk about it, you’re the first one I’ll come to.  I just need some time to think, okay?

“Just don’t take five years again.”  I was able to give him an awkward smile.

When I got to my Dad’s, he and my mom were having a glass of wine in the kitchen.  “Mom, you’re still here?”

“As long as you are, I will be.  I don’t want the two of you killing each other.”

“Oh.  Well then, I guess you’ll be leaving tomorrow.  I’m heading back to Sparta after I see Mara.”

Dad just gave a loaded look at me.  He wasn’t going to speak to me any time soon.  That was clear.

“Why, honey?”  Mom inquired, obviously searching for my side of the story.  She’d probably heard Auggie’s side all day.

“Sparta’s a lot closer to Livingston than Rumson is.   I just want to be where my stuff is, that’s all.”

“I guess that makes sense.”  Resigned, Mom seemed disappointed in my response.  She may have had her differences with my father, but she always made sure my relationship with him never faltered.

I disappeared and reappeared in about two minutes, now dressed in sweats and my running sneakers.  “Where are you going, honey?”

“For a run.”

“Now? It’s almost eleven.”

 “Yeah, now.”

“But it’s so dark, Tagg.”

“I’m aware of that, Mom.  I’m just taking a run on the beach.  I’ll be fine.  I’m a big boy now.”  This big boy just wanted to break down and cry again, but he didn’t.  “Don’t wait up.”

***

As soon as my feet hit the sand, I took off running.  My walk to the beach counted as my warm-up.  I didn’t bring my Ipod this time, hoping the breaking waves on the dark empty beach would be a calming substitute.  The moon provided all the light I needed.  I let the black ocean slip by me as I ran and ran, faster and faster, until I’d reached top speed.  I felt the sand kick up at my calves as I let all my thoughts fade away in the distance behind me.  With each stride, I let a piece of me go.  The rejected proposal.  Mara’s letters to Bradley.  My resentment toward my father. The dispassion I felt towards my profession. The woman who was looking to murder me. And the biggest thing on my mind, the only thing that really mattered. The one thing I couldn’t outrun.  Mara’s broken body.  My legs weren’t fast enough to erase her pain. The fire that penetrated her flesh, and her bones, and scarred her forever.

Not distance.  Not speed.  Not anything I could do, would ever take away her wounds.  And, she had me to blame. 

She gave me life… 

I gave her sorrow.