Unplugged (A Portrait of a Rock Star) (19 page)

I had a couple of meetings this morning in the city, then the rest of my day I was supposed to spend at the hospital with Mara.  But the stress of the city and the constant pain in the center of my heart was causing an inevitable detour to the nearest liquor store.

I know I had promised Mara I’d behave, but, goddammit, I didn’t even know if Mara would recover.  And if she did, I already knew she would not marry me.  The thought of her still in love with her late-husband was causing brain overload.  The obsessive thoughts were making me crazy.  I needed something to dim the obsession and numb my pain.  Coke was out of the question. None of my immediate friends did that anymore.  Pot was not nearly effective enough.  Liquor was quick and easy.  Not to mention familiar.

I bought a bottle of Bushmill and a carton of Marlboros and headed up Route 95.  No clue to where I was headed.  I just could not bring myself back to the hospital.  Not yet.

First, I needed to decompress.  Reacquaint with the Tagg Holland I knew so well.

***

With the radio blaring, I drowned out my thoughts with whiskey and Heavy Metal, recklessly making it to Maine by nightfall.  Though I had no idea where I’d set out to go in the first place. Stopped, for the second time to fill my tank, I was too exhausted to continue on.  The station attendant gave me directions to the nearest motel.

I checked in and passed out in my room.  Barely making it to the bed.

The morning brought, along with the sun rising, a new headache.  And the same. Familiar. Aching. In my heart.

Though Mara rejected my proposal, I knew she’d be wondering where I had been yesterday.  Maybe I was being childish, but I could not bring myself to face her.  Sad.  I know.  Since she was the one facing death.

I traveled the eight hours back to New Jersey, but instead of heading to the hospital, I went home.  Of course, not without stopping first for more Bushmill.  I drank away my sobriety and woke the next morning feeling like a train smacked me head on.

I showered, had a butt, then brushed my teeth.  It was time to face reality and visit the girl who broke my heart.

***

I was not prepared, however, for the scene in front of me when I’d walked into Mara’s hospital room.

She was sitting in a chair alongside her bed.  Only one IV tube invaded her frail skin.  “Hi Tagg.”  Her voice was soft, yet it was smooth and no longer sounded like it hurt.

“Wow.  You look a lot better.”  She did.  The bandage on the burned side of her face was just a small Band-aid now.  And some of the bandages on her right hand and arm were removed.  Most of her color was back.  “You must feel better, hunh?  You’re sitting up, and you’re out of bed? How’d this happen?  Not that I’m complaining.” I held up my hand defensively.

She smiled. “The doctor said it’s a small miracle.”  She whispered.  “My throat feels a little better and the medicine they’re giving me for the pain is actually working today.”  I heard her try to laugh.  It was a quiet titter, but her spirits were coming alive.  “How are you, Tagg?  I’ve been worried about you.”

“About me?  Heck, Mara, you’re the one who almost died.”  I didn’t want her to bring up my proposal.  It was still too painful, so I tried to pretend not to know what she was talking about.

“I know, Tagg, but about Sunday.  I wanted to explain why I said no.”

She never actually said no.  This was why I didn’t want to talk about it, then I would have been able to say she didn’t give me an answer yet.  But now I know.  She said no.  “Mara, I told you, we’ll talk about it when you’re better.”

“But, Tagg, I don’t want to string you along, I really think we should talk about this now.”

“Mara.”  I said more sternly than I wanted to, my voice almost mimicking Auggie’s.  “Not now.”  I know she was the wounded one, but I was so vulnerable these days that I couldn’t handle the truth.  I’d rather live in my fantasy world.

“Fine.” I know I’d hurt her again, but she had hurt me.  I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her, but her feelings weren’t mutual.  I wasn’t being petty or reproachful, just honest.

“Hey.” I needed to change the subject and the dismal air that was now surrounding us.  “Are you allowed out of your room?”

“I guess.  I don’t know.  I would love to get out of here.”

“Okay, I’ll be right back; I’m going to ask a nurse.”

I came back with a wheelchair for Mara.  “The nurse said as long as your sitting in this, I can wheel you around this floor only.”  I helped her in to the chair.  Her pink furry robe looked oversize on her tiny stature.

“Where are you taking me?”

“On our second date.”  It was worth a try to keep up the façade that I was not affected by her rejection.  But I could feel a landslide coming and I was holding on for dear life.

She looked up at me with a mocking knitted brow.   “In the hospital?”

I shrugged, but she’d already turned away.

“Well, not really, but I want you to hear something.”  I brought her to the all-purpose room and rolled her next to the piano.  The keys felt cool beneath my fingers as I began playing the intro to Mara's Song.  I closed my eyes and sang the lyrics to my thank you letter to Mara.  My eyes remained closed throughout the entire song. I wanted to close out reality and try to forget my emotions.  And I didn’t want to taint the song with a disheartened edge. Mara's Song was my gift to her and it should be given with all the good intentions it was meant to convey.

I owe you…

I owe you…

Until you came along,

I spent my days wrapped in darkness

Moonless nights all alone

The joke that was my life

had turned out

lonely and so very wrong.

Until I met you

There were no stars up above

I lost my way, headed down

To Hell – a wretched fire

Burning without love.

‘Til I met you…’Til I met you…

There were no songs

That played down deep,

Missing pieces scattered ‘round

‘Til I met you I’d never know

just how beautiful love could sound.

Now all I had

In this whole wide world

I owe to you, my other half

You brought back sun…

You brought back life,

My lonely soul, no longer done.

I owe you… you are the one…

Until I met you

I could not say

Where I belonged

I spent my years,

My life all wrong.

‘Til I met you

There was only dark

My soul shut down

Without a sound,

A long, long way

From home I was,

Until I Met You.

Now all I had

In this whole wide world

I owe to you, my other half

You brought back sun…

You brought back life,

My lonely soul, no longer done.

I owe you… you are the one.

When my song ended I turned to her and simply said, “Thank you.”  However, we were not alone.  There must have been a dozen or more people standing in the room now.  All applauding.  I gave an appreciative smile and said thank you to the small crowd.

Bobby was standing in the front.  “Tagg, I told them that was you.  I said, ‘that’s my friend, Tagg.  He taught me how to play the piano the other day.’  They all wanted to see the piano teacher.”

“Hey Bobby.  You want to play our song for everyone?” I asked.

“Wow, really?”

“Yes, really.”  I motioned, with my two fingers, for him to sit down next to me on the bench.  “C’mon.”

All of Bobby’s hospital friends were hootin’ and hollarin’ when we were done with our duet.  The nurses all applauded.  Bobby beamed.  “Can you teach me, mister?” A little girl squeaked.

“Sure, but how ‘bout I teach you a different song?”

“Okay.”

“First, I need to know your name.  It’s only fair; you know mine.”  I gave the liitle girl’s brown hair a rub.  Her face wasn’t as scarred as Bobby’s, but it was clear that she had also been burned in a fire.

“I’m Alyssa.”

“Hi, Alyssa.  Since Christmas is practically around the corner, how ‘bout I teach you Jingle Bells?”

She was extremely quick to learn the holiday tune and within minutes, I made it a duet and we were playing Dashing Through the Snow.  Every child in the room wanted me to teach them something.

“How about this?”  And I looked at Nurse Betty, before looking back at the children.  “How about I give Nurse Betty my available schedule and she can fill those times in with all of your names?  This way, you will all have a chance.”

“Yay!”  They all delighted in unison.

Nurse Betty came up and whispered to me.  “Mr. Holland.”

“Tagg.”  I interrupted.

“Tagg, please don’t make promises you can’t keep.  These kids have had it rough.”

My heart felt heavy from her implication.  I would never make that kind of promise, if I couldn’t follow it through.  But then again, I did run out on my own band.  “Nurse Betty.”

“Betty.” She laughed.

“Betty, I wouldn’t do that.  And I love this.” I made circular motion towards the children.  “Teaching a child a song, like I did with Bobby, on the piano; I’ve never felt more fulfilled.  I promise, you add those children’s names to my schedule…I’ll be there.”

“Okay, Everyone.”  Nurse Betty clapped her hands twice.  The other nurses stood at the door.  One, stayed behind.  “Let’s line up, kids.  We’ve got to get back.  Say thank you to Mr. Holland…”

“Tagg.”  I humorously demanded.

“Say thank you to Mr. Tagg.”  I shook my head and chortled.  I liked it here.

“Thank you, Mr. Tagg.” A cacophony of children’s voices thanking me, ironically made me feel very at ease.  These children gave their love unconditionally, not because I was Tagg Holland, rock star, but because I was Mr. Tagg… their friend.

“You’re welcome guys.  I’ll see you soon.”

The nurse that stayed behind bashfully walked up to me and whispered.  “They don’t realize what a treat they really got today, having Tagg Holland sing right here at the hospital.”

I whispered back.  “That’s why I appreciated it even more.”  I gave her a quick wink.

“You’re a good guy Tagg Holland.  You’re nothing like the media portrays you to be.”  She walked away, leaving Mara and I alone again.

“I loved that song, Tagg.”  Mara revealed.

“Yeah.  Jingle Bells was always my favorite, also.”  I teased, knowing damn well what she meant.  I used my foot to pull her wheelchair closer to my bench.

“No silly, the song you wrote for me.”  Her face tried to show the pink blush illuminating from beneath her skin, but it was interrupted by the eruption of some tears coming from her eyes.

My hands leaned on the arms of her wheelchair and our faces were only inches apart. 

“The title of that song is called Mara's Song and I wrote it for you.  I meant every word, I owe you everything, for making me whole again.”

“Oh, Tagg.  Thank you…”

“Why are you crying?”

She shrugged.

“Do you know that Mara's Song is going to be on our new album.”

“Really?”

“Yes.  Really.”  Then out of the blue I had an awesome idea.  I’d have to run it by my band first.  “Mara, what would you think if I sold that song as a single, before the album came out, and I donated all the proceeds to burn victims.  You know, a charity for kids maybe, who’ve been burned who might need assistance with the bills?”  I was kind of thinking it through as I was talking.  “I don’t know, it’s just a thought.”

“It’s a lovely thought, Tagg.”  Mara was sincere, yet seemingly sad.  “You really are amazing, you know that?”

I blushed, but still added a little humor, even though it was hard for my heart to find anything funny these days.  “Oh Stop.”  I raised an indolent hand, dropping it at the wrist.  “You’re making me blush.”

Mara wasn’t laughing.  “Be serious a minute, Tagg.  You are amazing.  And you would be a great husband, some day, I know that.  I’m sorry I said no, but even though we love each other, I don’t think it’s enough right now.  You’re just getting back on your feet, emotionally and this is your first relationship since you’ve… reappeared.” She used her fingers as quotes.  “I’m not so sure you won’t run away again.”

“What are you talking about, running away?” I pressed.

Mara exhaled. “Like when you thought I was being paid to like you? You ran.  Shut me out,” she took another moment to catch her breath. “Without even asking me about it.” Mara took another breath and rubbed at her throat.  I could hear the strain in her voice.  It was uncomfortable for her to speak.  “I don’t think I could have faith that you’d stick by me… not yet.” She whispered.

“Mara,” I cried.

She held up her hand, then put it to her mouth.  “One second.” She murmured.  She needed another second.  “Maybe one day,” she continued, “I will be able to trust you.  When you’ve taken care of yourself… first.”

The stabbing pain in my chest was more than I could bear.  “Mara. Stop. Please.” I breathed, my gasps for air quick and ineffective.

“But, seriously, Tagg,” asserting herself, she still went on, though I had begged her not to. “I think you need to find yourself again…or better yet, find out who you actually are.  I haven’t known you long, but something tells me it’s been a long time since your soul had a place to call home…  I don’t want to lose you; I’m not saying that.  I just think you’re rushing into something your not ready for, because you’re going nowhere fast… and you’re scared.”

Mara knocked me on my ass with her words.  She made me so angry… and so, damn, sad.

How the hell did she know if I was ready or not for marriage?  I loved her, regardless of what realm my soul was lingering on.

Mara gave a silent sigh as I watched her shoulders slump forward in her wheelchair.  I know she meant well, but she was killing me.

“I think it’s time I brought you back to your room.  I need to leave.”  I wasn’t above pettiness.

I never claimed to be.