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They ended the meeting with the agreement to meet in a week, during which time Amanda would set up a more intensive visitation schedule and parenting education for Marlys during her visits. Marlys hugged Amanda before she left, tearily thanking her for “being a bitch when I needed a bitch.”

It was the end of the day, so Amanda decided to go straight home instead of bringing her file back to the office. The treatment program was in a strip mall next to Target, and Amanda felt the store calling her. She decided to go to Target and look for some winter clothes on clearance.

She wandered around the women’s clothing section looking at sweaters and wishing that she had a reason to buy a swimsuit that was already on display for winter vacationers. Several people in her office were going to Mexico or Florida on a cruise or just to a resort. Amanda didn’t have the funds or the vacation time to do anything other than take an afternoon off and sit in the hot tub at the Y. Her mood had improved in the past month after she had joined the Y and started running almost every day. It was a good distraction from the stress of her job, and the feeling that her head and all these crazy memories were messing with her. She still drove by the house with the gnomes, but she didn’t have the energy to do anything more about it.

Amanda found a blazer and slacks on the clearance rack that she picked up and thought about trying on. She carried them with her as she continued to wander, when her phone vibrated in her purse.

Dinner tonight?
The message was from Jacob. He had been wrapped up in a trial he was working on, so they had not seen much of each other since the day he picked Amanda up on the street.

Somewhere cheap,
she replied, thinking of her credit card bill that she was still paying down from Christmas and Lucy’s wedding. She wandered to the shoe section and tried to find shoes to match the makeshift suit she was considering. Some spikey boots were on sale, but she wasn’t sure if they were right for court. Her phone buzzed again.

You’ve always been a cheap date, but we’re not going to DQ tonight. I’ll pick you up at 6:30.

K,
she replied, and dropped the phone in her purse. Looking down at her suit, she knew that if she was going out for dinner she didn’t have extra money for clothes anyway. But she couldn’t leave Target without something, so she grabbed a cinnamon scented candle and headed to the front of the store. There were at least a dozen men in line, holding cards or flowers or another small gift. Then she noticed the paper hearts hanging from the ceiling and remembered that it was Valentine’s Day.

* * *

Back at her apartment, Amanda stared at her closet with no idea of what to wear.

He called her a date. A cheap date, but a date nonetheless. And since it was Valentine’s Day, restaurants would be full of couples. Knowing this, Jake asked her to go to a restaurant with him, on Valentine’s Day. Did that make this a date? Amanda had been enjoying their friendship, but she had never noticed him making any moves toward anything other than friendship. The night her mother died flashed in her head, and her face flushed with the memory of being in bed with Jake. Sharp and bittersweet, and she rarely let herself go back to that night, but for a moment it was all there: sounds of summer outside the open window, a whiff of Trix’s lavender fabric softener on the sheets, Jake’s sweaty grip on her bare shoulders. And then there was the shame. Many people probably used sex to comfort themselves after a loss, but she still felt guilty. She was also just simply afraid. Jake told her he loved her, but she didn’t believe him. And then she ran away.

Amanda pulled in a deep breath and tried to calm down. She had been out for dinner many times with Jake, although it was usually a casual happy hour that extended far enough into the evening that they both were starving and ordered food. This felt different. He’d called it a date.

Just because he called it a date didn’t mean that she had to consider it as anything other than another night out with her friend. Amanda went on three dates with a guy in college who clearly had a thing for her, but Amanda was so uncomfortable with his obvious interest that she never allowed him to even hold her hand. After three dates and not a speck of interest in him returned, he gave up. Amanda didn’t want Jake to give up on their friendship, but she wanted him to clearly know that this was a night out as friends.

Amanda turned away from her closet deciding not to make the effort to change clothes, not just for a night out with a friend.

* * *

Jake arrived a few minutes before 7:00 and came up to her apartment just as Amanda was pulling on her coat. He knocked and then opened the door, which Amanda had not locked.

“As you see, I can clearly let myself in, as can any intruder who wants to harass you when you don’t lock your door.” He stood with his hands on his hips in the entryway and glared at her seriously.

“Hello to you too.” She folded her arms and waited for the argument. Jake dropped his hands by his side and shook his head.

“Just want you to be safe,” he said, almost to himself. He seemed to be willing to drop the nagging for now. “Ready to go?” Amanda followed Jake to his car, which Jake had left running so it was warm.

“You look nice,” Jake said a touch formally. Amanda looked down at her sweater and pants that looked a little wrinkled and tired after she wore them all day. She couldn’t remember Jake ever commenting on her appearance before.

“Just my work clothes,” Amanda said a little too brightly. Jake took a road away from downtown, so Amanda asked where they were going.

“Out to the lake,” he said. “There’s nowhere fun to eat in Terrance.” She nodded and looked out the window. Yep, this was a date.

* * *

They went to the Boater’s Inn, a restaurant on Lake Pepin just over the border in Wisconsin. It was a new place that had just received excellent reviews in the
Star Tribune
. It was crowded and there was a wait for a table, so they went to the bar. Amanda ordered a glass of wine, and Jake a diet coke. He led her to a tall table near the window that overlooked the now dark lake. She couldn’t help staring at his drink. Once again, he was abstaining, and it had happened enough times in a row that it was clearly not a coincidence. She pictured the pill bottles in his medicine cabinet he didn’t know she had seen.

“Great view, huh?” Jake said, motioning at the darkness.

Amanda nodded, trying to decide if she was going to mention his teetotaling.

“Being here reminds me that I didn’t get on a boat once last summer,” Jake said. “We should go waterskiing next summer. Michael has a great boat when he’s home to use it.”

She nodded again. “How’s your diet coke?” she asked pointedly.

“Refreshing,” he said. “You ever skied before?”

Amanda wanted to say something sarcastic to remind him that her life had been far too dysfunctional for such pastimes, but she was trying to get rid of the “poor me” attitude, so she just shook her head. They looked out the window in silence for a moment.

“How have you been feeling lately?” The question was blunt, and her tone was clear that she meant more than his general health. He looked straight at her with his eyebrows raised slightly, and his jaw clenched just enough for her to notice. His cancer had become a touchy subject, only because they hadn’t spoken of it since they had become reacquainted.

“I’m good,” he said. “How are have you been feeling?” Her shoulders dropped, and she looked down. Obviously the subject was not open for discussion. He said he was feeling fine, and that should have been enough. But it wasn’t. His reaction meant something was going on.

“My sisters are great waterskiers,” he went on, filling the awkward silence. “Both of them wanted to be part of the Tommy Bartlett Water Show at the Dells.” The Dells— actually the Wisconsin Dells—and Amanda had participated in this Midwestern tradition. The Dells was actually a tiny town and an area in the middle of Wisconsin that had become a family vacation haven because of its many waterparks, minigolf courses, and waterski shows.

The conversation stayed away from Jake’s health and lack of drinking, and they both relaxed. Amanda didn’t order another glass of wine because she felt strange about drinking when he was pointedly not drinking. After nearly an hour they were seated in the dining room, which was soothing beige and white and decorated with sailing paraphernalia. It felt like a breath of summer in the depth of winter.

Amanda had pasta and Jake had a steak, and they both had a nice time. Despite it being declared a date and the earlier awkward discussion, they finally relaxed and chatted easily about the upcoming Twins season, politics, and William and Lucy. William had been updating Jake on Lucy’s progress almost obsessively. Lucy had been emailing less, but Amanda was working hard not to take it personally. She knew Lucy was uncomfortable, stressed and scared, so Amanda had been calling more. Lucy sounded wearily pleased every time Amanda called, so she knew it was her time to be selfless with her friend.

“Will sounds just nervous,” Jake said. “It’s like he’s tiptoeing around Lucy for fear that walking too loud will put her into labor.”

“Nine months is way too long to be pregnant,” Amanda said as though she had some sort of first-hand knowledge. “I hope she goes the second the baby’s healthy enough to be delivered.”

“Do you think you’ll ever have kids?” Jake mumbled, looking at his plate. She thought she misheard him at first, but his discomfort showed that she heard him right. The question surprised her, and it was actually something she had given very little thought in her life. She must have taken too long to answer, because Jacob looked up at her nervously.

“I honestly don’t know,” Amanda finally said. He nodded and looked like he was ready to say something more when someone approached their table.

“Well hello to both of you,” a tall man in a dark suit said without an ounce of genuineness.

Amanda looked up and groaned inside: Skip Huseman. How could they have been so unlucky? He was wearing a red tie and matching pocket scarf, and he stood over them like a watchdog ready to pounce.

“Skip.” Jacob made a point of using his first name again. “Enjoying the evening?”

“My wife and I are celebrating nearly thirty years together. She’s a local girl too, so we always like to come home for Valentine’s Day.” Amanda and Jake nodded, not wanting to say anything that would extend the conversation and encourage him to stay. Skip caught the eye of someone across the room and nodded and smiled.

“Say, Jacob, I’ve been meaning to ask, how is your health?” He said it like a statement, not a question. Jacob flinched slightly, but then turned his head and tried to look unfazed, although he was clearly affected by the question.

“Quite well.” Jacob’s eyes darted to Amanda questioningly, bordering on accusingly.

Skip was nodding. “Cancer can be so devastating. Glad to hear that you beat it.”

Jacob looked down, his jaw muscles working. Then he looked up at Skip. “Enjoy your evening.”

Skip smiled condescendingly. “Oh, we will. Same to the two of you.” Skip made his way back across the room, slapping backs and shaking hands as he went. Jacob was staring into space. She opened her mouth to say something.

“Don’t,” he said, the mood of the night spoiled. He raised his hand to motion to the waitress at the next table. “Check please.”

Chapter Twenty-One

Lucy was enormous. “Forty pounds. I’ve gained forty pounds, and I’ve almost twelve weeks to go.” Lucy, stretched out on her couch with her feet resting on several pillows, didn’t have shoes that would fit her swollen feet, and her ankles disappeared as her calves ended at her shoes.

“You look great, you really do,” Amanda said, sitting on the old Lazy Boy recliner next to the couch. William was up north ice fishing for the weekend, and Amanda had agreed to spend the night with Lucy so she wouldn’t be alone. Amanda had been looking forward to the weekend with just the two of them, the way they used to spend many weekends in college when they were too poor to go out. Amanda had rented or borrowed several movies, and Lucy wanted to start a scrapbook for the baby, so they were looking through pictures of Lucy and William to start the book.

“I’m a whale,” Lucy said. “Everything hurts. I’m bloated. I can’t sleep. I’m so crabby I can’t stand to be alone with myself. I don’t know how you’re going to stand spending twenty-four hours with me.” Lucy tried to sit up with an audible grunt, but just flopped back and closed her eyes.

“What can I do for you? Would anything make it better?” Amanda couldn’t help smiling because Lucy had always been so good natured, but she was so grouchy it was endearing.

“Nothing, unless you can convince little bambino that he needs to be born
right now
.” She pointed and gestured hopelessly at her heaving belly.

“Hmmm. Not much help there.” Amanda shuffled through the large stack of movies to find something funny and distracting. “Let’s watch something that will get your mind off your misery.”

“Impossible. But I know what you can do for me.” Lucy’s eyes lit up. “Tell me about Valentine’s Day.” Big grin.

Amanda’s smile drooped. “What are you talking about? What’s to tell?”

Lucy raised her eyebrows. “I happen to know that Jake was trying to be casual about Valentine’s Day, but he kept asking William about it, and finally he let it slip that he was going to have dinner with you.”

“What did you do?” Amanda asked, hoping to change the subject.

“Don’t change the subject. We had a very nice night at home and William cooked, but we’re talking about you. He’s so weird about you, Amanda. It’s like he’s terrified of offending you, so he overthinks everything.”

Amanda pulled a pillow on her lap and shrugged. “I don’t know. I mean, we’re friends, and I want him to stay my friend. I don’t want anything to mess it up because I can use all the friends I can get. Every once in a while it gets weird and intense, and it seems like he wants something more. But then it just blows over, kind of like he just thought better of it. I don’t know what to think.”