Unprotected (5 page)

Without much resistance, they talked her into getting a blizzard and returning to their place to watch one of the rented movies.

Amanda had her contact lens case in her pocket.

Chapter Three

Amanda and Jacob settled into a friendship and a routine. Amanda was hired at the Dairy Queen, so she worked five days out of seven, either the 11:00 to 5:00 shift or 4:00 to close at 10:00 p.m. Jake had decided not to get a job because he was taking two classes at the local college.

At the end of the day, Amanda and Jake always found each other. Usually they watched movies or David Letterman in his basement. Amanda slept every night on his couch. Trix set out sheets for her, which she spread on the couch because she assumed Trix did not want her to drool on the upholstery.

Michael had returned from his long road trip. He was very friendly and didn’t act at all surprised that Amanda was spending every night at their home. One Sunday night the four of them even played hearts together. At midnight that night, Michael was the first to get up and say he needed to go to bed. Jake cleared their soda glasses and pretzels off the table. Trix seemed to give Jake a look, and he went in the kitchen and busied himself at the sink.

“Amanda, sweetie,” Trix began.

Trix looked serious, and Amanda internally began to panic. She had spent the last two weeks on their couch, and Trix was about to tell her she needed to live in her own depressing home.

“Honey, we love having you here, but the couch is no place for you to sleep every night …”

“I know, I know. I’m sorry … I … I … don’t know why I’ve stayed every night,” Amanda stammered and felt her throat get very tight.

“Honey, stop right there.” Trix grabbed both of Amanda’s hands and looked up at her. “I’d just like to get you more comfortable. Would you consider sleeping in Jessie’s bedroom? Jessie has probably only slept there a dozen times in her life since we bought this house after she started college. It’s big and there’s a bathroom and you could be very comfortable.” Trix stared at her so openly that Amanda couldn’t stand it. Once again tears threatened, but she bit them back.

Trix must have seen her chin quiver. “Oh, honey,” Trix said, pulling her to the couch and sitting her down. “I just can’t hug you right standing up because you’re so tall.”

Jake knelt on the floor in front of them. “Just say yes, Amanda,” he said. “I think we’ll all feel better.”

She could only nod and smile. Jake took her hands and pulled her up, leading her to his sister’s bedroom. He flipped on a switch, and she looked around the room, which was nicely decorated but felt like a guestroom because it was without anyone’s personal items. Amanda smiled when she looked at the bedside stand, upon which Jake must have placed a bozo the clown doll holding a tiny sign that said, “Welcome Amanda.”

* * *

After Amanda got her first full paycheck from Dairy Queen, she felt like she needed to buy something for Jake and his family. She had known these people just under a month, but she knew that Trix liked certain antique dishes, Jake collected football cards from the sixties and seventies, and Michael was a huge Twins fan.

One Sunday after Amanda had lunch with her mother and spent a very uncomfortable afternoon trying to give her a pedicure, Amanda told her mom she had to work so she could leave early and shop for the gifts. She walked around the town looking at different stores, trying to decide what to buy that would be casual but appropriate.

She had almost allowed herself to “move in” to Jessie’s room. Instead of carting her huge duffel bag back and forth, she unpacked a little and filled two drawers. She kept her toothbrush in the bathroom drawer that had actually become “Amanda’s bathroom” to the rest of the family. Amanda caught herself saying “the rest of the family” in her thoughts a few times. It implied that she was part of this family, but her daily trips to the hospital always reminded her that she wasn’t.

Amanda had considered at least a hundred gift items, including Twins hats, full sets of football and baseball cards, different dishes that looked like antiques but she just couldn’t judge quality, bobble head dolls, joke items, flower baskets, sentimental cards, and even a few religious items since they did have a Last Supper reprint in the kitchen. There was nothing appropriate for her situation, which was hardly surprising but made her struggle no easier.

A saleswoman in a gift store followed Amanda through the aisles trying to be “helpful.”

“Are you looking for a gift for a certain occasion?” The saleswoman, Nan, according to her nametag, stood with her hands clasped ready to ferret out the perfect gift.

“Just looking, thanks.” Amanda said with her head down.

“It’s the time of year for graduation parties … we’ve had so many people buying plaques and inspirational books. So much more personal than cash.”

“And there’s nothing a graduate likes more than a pile of plaques,” Amanda said before she could catch herself. “I’m not shopping for a graduation.”

Nan recoiled slightly, but pushed on. “Birthday? Belated Father’s Day? Would you like to see some of our albums?”

Amanda could smell her Wind Song perfume, and she wanted to pluck the clip-on earrings dangling on the bottom of her wrinkly earlobes. “I need a gift for the family I’m staying with while my mother is dying in the hospital.” It wasn’t even the full story, but it was enough for Nan. She was aghast and clearly had no words to comfort anyone in such a horrendous situation, no gifts that were appropriate.

“Perhaps a lovely flower basket from next door …” Nan said as she wandered away.

It always came back to pity.

* * *

Amanda walked in the door to the Mann house with nothing. Wondering if she would ever get over the feeling that she needed to ring the doorbell, she edged in the front door hoping that she could get into her room before anyone would “catch” her letting herself in. Michael came in from the patio just as Amanda was going up the stairs.

“Hey there, Amanda,” Michael said. He had been staining the deck, so his khaki shorts were covered in reddish brown stain, and his hands looked like he had slaughtered an animal. He went to the sink and poured himself a glass of water directly from the tap. “Filthy stinking hot out there. I swear that deck is hotter than an Alabama shithouse.”

Amanda just smiled, not knowing what to say.

“And I almost lost my life to a huge family of wasps living under the railing. Luckily I had some foaming insect-killing stuff out with me because there was a thing on the news just last night about how wasps make their nests on decks, among other places. I foamed that bad boy and ran for cover quick.” Michael swabbed his high forehead with a paper towel, found an apple in the refrigerator and snapped off a huge bite.

She giggled a little at the thought of him spraying a cloud of foam and running for his life.

“I’m inspired to consume a large slab of cow in honor of my accomplishments.” He rifled through the freezer and pulled out several odd shaped blocks of meat wrapped in freezer paper. “We will eat steak,” he said, pounding his chest with two blocks of meat. “ Wanna help me make dinner?”

Amanda paused, knowing that the kitchen was clearly Trix’s territory. “Is that really a good idea?”

Michael laughed. “Are you worried that I’m making dinner or invading Trixie’s turf?” Once again, Amanda was at a loss for a catchy reply. He was far too quick and clever, and Amanda loved his humor and felt like a clod at the same time. “Don’t worry, kid. She loves it when I make cow.”

So Amanda and Michael made dinner together. Michael took a quick shower first while Amanda thawed the steaks and washed the potatoes and salad fixings. Michael made a large production out of making dinner, using many pots and dishes wastefully, seemingly unaware that everything he used would eventually have to be washed.

Trix came in halfway through their meal preparation. She had been gardening and sun tanning by the looks of her. She was wearing a bright red tube top, short denim shorts, and a red sun visor. Trix always looked perfectly coordinated and just right for the occasion. Her toenails matched the red of her tube top, and she was practically a walking Ralph Lauren ad with Ralph sunglasses on top of her visor. Trix had apparently not gotten the news that too much sun was dangerous, for she was deeply tanned with freckles covering her shoulders and face. She stood with her hands on her hips and watched Michael and Amanda bustle in the kitchen together.

“Amanda, you look like you know your way around a kitchen,” Trix said, and Amanda knew this was high praise.

“You tear lettuce like a pro, Amanda,” Michael added. “Who taught you how to cook?”

Trix gave him a searing look that was impossible for Amanda to miss. Trix bent over backwards to avoid any mention of Amanda’s family unless the moment was right, at which time she was never afraid to ask her directly. Trix saved the moment like a pro. “Amanda’s like me, Michael. Gals like us operate on pure gut instinct. No teacher required.”

Amanda had appointed herself in charge of the salad, so she found the bowls and put together four salads.

“Oh, we only need three, sweetie. Jake isn’t coming home for dinner tonight.” Trix was a little too nonchalant about it. Amanda nodded and distributed his salad in the remaining three bowls.

“Does he have a late class?” Michael asked.

Amanda saw Trix step on Michael’s foot hard. She cleared her throat, stalling for time, and finally said, “he’s studying with a friend … some friends.” Trix continued to jabber about the dinner, but Amanda missed the conversation after that. She moved the lettuce leaf by leaf into the other bowls while she absorbed what Trix had said. Jake was with a girl. Amanda didn’t think it would be a big deal if he was truly just studying with a girl, but Trix was acting so weird about it that it had to be more than that. She couldn’t figure out what to think or how to feel.

Trix was in maximum overdrive at this point. She was flitting around like a maniac trying to act like nothing was wrong. Michael went out to the deck to check on the steaks, and left Amanda and Trix alone.

“Oh, that salad looks so good, Amanda.” Trix fished around in the cupboard until she found some croutons, and then busied herself placing them on the salads.

Amanda nodded.

Trix sighed and put down the croutons. “It’s not a date, sweetie.”

Amanda mumbled something incomprehensible and looked away, feeling her face turn hot.

“I’m sure he needs the help in this class. He’s not the best with schoolwork, especially in the summer. Working with someone probably helps him stay focused …”

“It’s okay,” Amanda said quietly. “Don’t worry about it.”

Trix came over and put her hands on Amanda’s shoulders and looked up at her face. “I want you both to be happy, sweetheart.”

“It’s no big deal. Forget it. Really.” Amanda didn’t meet her eyes while she set salad dressing on the table. Michael brought in the steaks and set them on the table, eyeing them both.

Trix talked loudly through the entire meal while Michael gave Amanda kind looks and smiles. Amanda ate half a steak and excused herself to run to DQ to “check the work schedule.” Trix tried to give her a meaningful look, but Amanda got out before Trix could connect with her.

Amanda barely made it out the door before she felt her loneliness rush back on her like a tidal wave. This family was not hers, and she was pretending to have something that she would never, ever have—a place to belong. At that moment, Amanda thought she could jump off the end of the earth and no one would ever know, ask a question, or care.

With nowhere to go and her keys left inside the house, Amanda started to walk and then broke into a jog. She ran, passing house after house filled with families. She ran past mothers walking their babies in strollers, middle-school girls walking in clumps, boys on bikes, elderly couples on lawn chairs inside their mosquito tents. Everyone connected to someone else. No one connected to her.

Amanda ran until she was past the houses and arrived at a park on the edge of town near the dump and the old drive-in theater. Amanda sat against a tree in a marshy, swampy area and stared. Immediately, mosquitoes and gnats swarmed around her. Amanda wondered if even the insects knew she existed. A mosquito landed on her thigh. She watched it penetrate her skin, felt the tiny sting, and watched as it sucked out her blood. It was dusk, and the bugs were heavy, but Amanda did not stop the insects from taking her blood and flying away with it. She discovered the sensation of a mosquito bite was not always the same depending on the part of the body that the bugs bit. On her legs, the sting was not very noticeable, but on her neck it was almost unbearable. With her hands resting on her knees, sweat collected under her palms from the heat and discomfort.

A mosquito landed on the inside edge of her right upper eyelid. She felt as if she should let it sting her as the dozen others had because there was some sort of deep, sick comfort that came from knowing that the insect took away a part of herself. But she couldn’t stand the bug on her eyelid, so she came to life with a sudden jolt of force slapping the bug away. It awakened the pain and itch on all the other welts, and suddenly she was scratching herself uncontrollably on her arms, legs, cheeks, and neck. She jumped up and scratched until she had deeper welts and skin under her fingernails. She even dragged her legs across the trunk of the tree leaving trails of scratch marks across her shins.

She ran again, still with nowhere to go, but her mind was clear and afraid. Blood was running down her legs from the scratches she inflicted on herself. She had hurt herself on purpose, and she felt better because of it. She was sicker than she ever thought.

It was dusk, and bats started to swoop out of the giant trees that lined the streets. She slowed down and walked quietly back home, or to the Mann’s home, as Amanda really had no home. Thankfully she passed few people. Blood ran down the front of her leg into her shoe. She arrived back at the Mann’s home just as Jake was getting out of someone’s car. Amanda slowed so he wouldn’t see her, but he had gotten out and was leaning through the passenger side window talking to the driver. After a moment he got up and walked inside with his backpack slung over his shoulder. The girl had short, dark, heavily styled hair and sunglasses on her head. She was wearing a short sleeved, off the shoulder sweater, and Amanda could see she was wearing lipstick. At least she hadn’t worn off her lipstick.
Study-whore
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